That '70s Show S2E24 Script

Red Fired Up (2000)

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

One.

Two.

Ah, screw it.

Ow, my tooth.

Why did I bite?

Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto.

You'd better go. You know how that ass-hat screws up your hair.

Poor Forman, huh? Working for Red like that?

I wouldn't wish that on my enemies.

I would.

Those suckers must pay.

Hey, Jackie.

Michael, why don't you save the sweet stuff for the next idiot who's dumb enough to date you?

You know, Jackie,

if you're in the market for a new lover,

they say once you go Fez, you never go back.

In my language, that rhymes.

Okay.

Where's Donna?

She's upstairs with Forman.

And don't follow me, Michael.

We've broken up, and I mean it!

Oh, I wasn't.

It's a good thing we're broken up, because...

Damn it. I miss her.

Jeez, man. Who wouldn't?

Spare me the sarcasm, Hyde.

I am really hurting here, and I'm totally lonely.

Man, I've seen people gut-shot who complain less than you.

Okay, so what do you miss about her?

All she ever did was call you names.

Hey, I can do that for you.

You idiot. See?

Oh. Thanks, Fez.

No problem, fart-face.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Do you know the great thing about whistling?

You can stop whistling.

Sorry.

Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else, I'm gonna...

Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jeez. And I didn't think you were listening.

Oh, and I need you to re-sticker those clock radios.

They're on sale.

Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.

Really? Well...

Way to show initiative.

Way to show initiative?

What are you up to?

Nothing. I think you did a good job.

Okay, but I'm watching you.

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late, Red.

My dog got hit by a car.

I had to rush him to the vet.

Earl.

Your dog got hit on Tuesday, too.

How dumb is that dog?

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry, Red.

I know you gave me a break

'cause we worked at the plant together, and I appreciate it. I swear it's the last time.

Earl, why can't you be more like Eric?

I mean, he's 18, and he's...

Dad, I'm, uh, I'm 17.

Eric. I'm talking here.

And he's already got a better work ethic than you.

Oh, no doubt there, Red.

You can tell he's your son.

He's a super...

Earl. Mmm?

Let's just go to work, okay?

Sure. Right after a cup of joe.

I'm useless without my coffee.

Wow.

He must not have had coffee in years, huh?

That's pretty funny.

Okay, what's up with you?

Hey, Kelso. How's it going?

How's it going? Great.

Just 'cause a guy shoots hoops by himself doesn't mean he's lonely.

No, far from it.

Okay, that's good.

Hey, Donna? Um...

You know, all this talk about being lonely kind of reminds me of me, you know?

Kelso, are you gonna get all emotional?

'Cause just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't mean I won't totally make fun of you.

Fair enough. Okay.

I know I keep things bottled up, but, you know, underneath this cool exterior, there's a really sad human being.

My God. This is about Jackie.

Yes. All right. What gave it away?

The fact that it's all you ever talk about, you stupid dillhole.

Look, Kelso, you've got to get it through your head.

Jackie is not coming back to you.

Why?

Because you slept with someone else!

Yeah, like, a month ago. God!

I just realized Jackie's short.

And I don't like short people.

They're creepy, you know?

Always sneaking up on you.

I don't even know why I was with her.

Maybe it's because she's a tiny little whore.

Oh. I meant to hurt you, but I hurt myself because I love her.

Hey, guys. I really cracked Red up today, and not by tripping or getting wet or vomiting.

Did you bump your head?

That's good stuff.

No, I just made a joke, and he just got it.

I mean, it worked. We're like just two guys brought together by the common goal of slashing prices on all your household needs.

Plus, I mean, it is so great to see him chew out other people.

Yeah, Forman. Now you know how we feel when he yells at you.

Yeah. It really is hilarious, man.

You get all bug-eyed and stuttery.

Fellas, I've been thinking.

There's a lot of ladies out there, right?

Now, I haven't seen nearly enough of them naked.

Sometimes, I am looking at naked ladies, and then I get exhausted.

And then, I get a second wind, and then I'm ready for more naked ladies.

It's like, at work, there's this guy Earl, and he's a real screwup, right?

So, Red gets pretty PO'd, but that deflects all of Red's anger from me.

So, I mean, Earl's like a dumb-ass lightning rod.

I hear that, man. Yeah.

I'll only work with the barely competent.

It takes the stress out of slacking off.

Man, it feels great to be free of that midget.

Yeah, uh, it's like the world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it.

Nothing but hot new ladies from here on in.

I want to be boldly going where no man's gone before.

Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie.

No, no, no.

You mean Eric.

No, uh, Laurie. Your other kid.

But why?

You're dating Laurie?

That's not different, man.

You're boldly going where every man's gone before.

Steven, it is not nice to be so...

Truthful.

Hi, Kelso.

Did you buy me those?

Yeah, just like you told me.

No. I told you roses.

Come on, doofus.

No offense, Mrs. Forman, but, those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

That's not funny.

Speaking of work.

We weren't talking about work.

Work. Right.

Dad and I really put in some hard hours today.

Didn't we, Pop?

Eric's really busting his hump down there.

Well, I am just so happy my two fellas work so well together.

Hey, how's Earl doing?

Oh, he's okay. But his damn dog can't go a day without getting hit.

At least I've got one good man down there.

Right back at you, big guy.

Well, that Earl's always been a character.

Yeah, like today, he was late, and dad said, "Get to work," and he said, "Sorry, Red, "I'm useless without my coffee."

And then, I said, "He must not have had coffee in years," right?

Yeah.

Well, that's cute.

Yeah, and that's not even my best Earl joke.

Okay, ready? Knock, knock. Who's there?

Well, it's not Earl, 'cause he's late.

Yeah, I'm guessing Earl's not short for early.

That's a good one, Red.

I got one. Um...

There once was a girl from Nantucket...

Okay, okay. Let's just all eat.

Hey, uh, Laurie?

Yeah, could you, uh...

Get out!

Thanks.

Come on, Kelso. Come up to my room.

I need you to, um, help me move my bookcase.

That means we're gonna have sex.

Thanks for cracking that code.

What are you doing?

They're going up to have sex.

Get the wax out of your ears.

Man, you can't bring my sister down to the basement.

This is our fortress of solitude.

Well, I'm sorry, but she's my girlfriend, and I love her.

No, you don't.

Well, I like her.

No, you don't.

I think she is okay, and the line between love and okay is pretty fine.

But the line between doing it and not doing it, that's not fine at all.

Just like the line between moron and idiot?

Exactly. You know, it took me months to get Jackie in the sack.

Well, Laurie, she already lets me do it, and plus, I'm over here all the time, anyway, so there's like, the convenience factor.

Kelso, my bookcase isn't going to move itself.

Or maybe it will.

Damn, I gotta go.

Dumbest babies ever.

Jackie, it's great to see you so happy.

And strong. And over Kelso.

You're like a rock. You're like a tiny little rock.

Donna, are you trying to tell me bad news, or are you making fun of my butt?

No. Your butt's fine.

Fine?

Glorious. Whatever. Look.

Kelso's dating Laurie.

I don't care.

Oh, come on.

How can you still have feelings for him?

Donna, I don't have feelings for him.

I just hate that bitch for making him happy.

Oh, believe me. She will make him more miserable than you ever did.

Oh, Donna. Thank you.

I'm gonna pray to God that you're right.

Laurie, I have to talk to you.

Kelso, we gotta confab, man.

Okay.

Too many times I have sat idly by and watched you make bad choices.

I've seen you screw up an awful lot.

And sure, I've enjoyed it.

But now, you've gone too far.

Do you know what this is about?

Duh. I'm not an idiot.

Uh-uh.

Michael has some nice qualities, but...

Laurie's got great legs, and a fine rack, but...

He's just a boy.

She's a major skankoid.

And you don't know where a boy like that will end up.

And you don't know where a girl like that has been.

Now, I know. I know you want a boyfriend who's weak and easily manipulated.

Now, I know you're weak and easily manipulated.

But you have got to learn to think about the future.

But you've got to learn to think.

And...

And make smart choices.

'Cause what's convenient isn't always what's best.

If it were, I'd just throw on a muumuu and eat out of a can.

If it were, this frozen pizza wouldn't taste like monkey butt.

Okay.

Are you done with this little lecture?

Okay. You done with that pizza?

Yes.

And I think I've made my point.

Oh, god.

I've got to get my own place.

This doesn't taste like monkey butt.

Oh, jeez, Red. I'm sorry I'm late for our little meeting.

My, uh, dog got, car got hit by a...

Car. Accident. That's the word.

Eric, take your break anywhere but here.

Earl, you're fired.

What? What did I do?

What did you do?

I'll tell you what you did.


And another thing.

Hi. How was your day?

I had to let Earl go.

Let Earl go?

You yelled at him until he cried.

Hey. What kind of a man cries after only 15 minutes of yelling?

Well, I'm sorry.

I don't like the way you handled Earl.

Dad, he was your friend.

Eric, hush, hush, hush, hush.

Eric, work is work.

You don't show up late, you don't make excuses, and you don't not work.

If it wasn't work, they wouldn't call it work.

They'd call it superwonderful crazy-fun time.

Or skippity-doo.

Oh, jeez. Why the hell am I even talking to you?

Oh, Eric.

Why'd you have to go and upset your father?

I can't have my own opinion without him tearing my head off?

No.

And I think at your age, you should know that by now.

No, mom, no. Uh-uh.

Man, we had such a good thing going at work, and he just wrecked that.

And by the way, without Earl, I'm back to dumb-ass.

He's just mean.

Oh, you shut your porky mouth, mister.

Well, then, it just stinks because, you know what?

This is the first time we were ever like, you know, cool with each other.

Man, why does he have to be such a hard-ass all the time?

Oh, come on, Eric.

That's how he expresses himself.

That's how he's always expressed himself.

Your father yells at you because he cares.

Yeah, right. Well, if that's true, then...

Then...

Stand up straight.

You're a dumb-ass.

You call this a report card?

Hands above the covers.

Huh.

I guess he really, really cares.

And...

If not, you're moving out soon.

So. You know who I hate?

Laurie.

Oh, Jackie. I know you're upset and in pain, but you're not going to talk during Hollywood Squares, are you?

No, I mean, I really do hate her.

No offense, Eric, but your sister...

She's a slut.

Oh, my God.

Jackie, not since the Smokey vs. Bandit debate have you and I so been on the same page.

Yeah, I think we're all on board.

God, this is so great.

You guys all hate Laurie and love me.

Yeah, we all hate Laurie.

Shh!

Oh great.

Lamb Chop had a joke, and I missed it.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hi, Michael.

Kelso, as your new girlfriend, I'm really not comfortable with your old girlfriend hanging out down here.

Okay.

Uh, hey, Jackie, do you mind?

No. No, I don't mind if you leave.

She's not leaving.

Well, I'm not, either.

She's not, either.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Hey! This is my house.

So what? Eric wants me here.

Don't you, Eric?

Why, yes, I do.

You better watch your back.

Really?

'Cause you should stop spending so much time on yours.

Oh. Burn!

Hey, I'm sorry. I just got swept away by the supergood burn.

Shut up!

Ah, ah, ah.

Jackie?

That was an excellent burn.

Thank you, Fez.

Now, please. Sit next to Fez.

Move it.

What the hell were you doing in the shower so long?

You know it wastes water, and it might make me late.

In fact, I am definitely not gonna be the first person there.

You know how that makes me look?

Damn it. You've got to grow up and learn some responsibility.

I love you, too, Dad.

What?

Stop being weird.

Thanks.