That '70s Show S2E25 Script

Cat Fight Club (2000)

Ooh! Now I've got Park Place and Boardwalk.

This game's just like life.

I am the richest of all.

Jackie, I've got $970 here.

It's all yours if you'll just... Go away!

Relax, Forman. It's better than having Laurie down here.

She's like a big, cancerous tumor.

And Jackie, you know, she's like, uh...

A tiny, benign cyst.

Thank you, Hyde.

Here. Buy yourself a hotel.

Why are you giving him money?

I'm the one in jail. Plus, Hyde punched me in the arm.

Why can't we start over?

Because!

And don't try tippin' over the board again, either.

Next time we go hiking, make sure you bring a blanket.

I think I have a twig in my shorts.

What a coincidence. So does Kelso.

Burn!

Okay, okay. Nice burn.

Hi, Jackie.

Oh, look. It's Michael and his community chest.

Nice.

So, Michael, when you come over for dinner tonight, don't wear that stupid unicorn tie.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jackie. Was that a gift?

Oh, yeah?

Well, were those shoes a gift?

'Cause they're ugly!

What are you even doing here, anyways?

Shouldn't you be off playing with ribbons and ponies?

Well, shouldn't you be off...

Being a bitch?

Ooh, I made the little girl say a bad word.

See you tonight.

Whoops.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Laurie makes me so mad.

I just want to rip out her hair, show it to her, and hope it doesn't grow back.

I hate her.

Jackie, that's what she wants.

She feeds on your anger, man. It only makes her stronger.

Well, then, what am I supposed to do?

If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen.

Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words, Hyde.

No, man, Zen.

At peace. Aloof.

Zen.

Oh.

Okay, then...

Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen?

You can't just teach someone to be Zen, Jackie.

You can only learn to be Zen.

Okay, I don't understand.

Exactly.

And that's your first lesson.

Huh?

Jackie, if you want to be my student, you need to follow my instructions without question.

Okay. Okay. See?

I can do that.

Okay.

First thing...

Finish polishing my boots.

Hyde, how's that gonna help... What?

Okay.

You're gonna make a fine student.

Shine, grasshopper. Shine.

Kelso...

Man, you're not seriously comin' to dinner tonight, are you?

Why shouldn't I? You know, Jackie broke up with me, and I needed a girlfriend, and Laurie's it.

Plus, I need to eat, so I'm comin' to dinner.

God, Kelso, you're lame.

And you're sad.

But if you go to dinner with Red, you're gonna get your just desserts.

I don't really care what they serve.

I just want to be there for Laurie. You know?

Hope it's pie.

Oh, Kelso...

It's gonna be so bad.

Can I come to dinner tonight?

No!

Look. Red loves Laurie. Right?

And Laurie likes me.

Therefore, Red has to like me.

I mean, what father wouldn't like the guy who's nailin' his daughter?

Oh, Laurie, you can't bring Michael to dinner.

Are you out of your mind?

Mom, I'm an adult, and this is my choice.

No. If you were really an adult, you'd try to meet someone with a future instead of Michael, who, bless his heart, is probably gonna end up ripping tickets at the tilt-a-whirl.

Well, he could invent something.

Yeah. I guess I'm lazy.

Uh-huh. And, Laurie, have you given any thought as to what you're gonna say to your father when he finds out?

He's my boyfriend, Daddy, and we love each other, And you can't stop us from being together!

What do you think?

Laurie, I absolutely forbid you to bring that boy to dinner.

Oh! Sometimes I hate you!

Well... That is just too bad, because I love you!

Because I have to.

Whatever!

No. More aloofness.

Whatever.

I'm not believing you.

Hyde, when are we going to move on?

I have been saying, "Whatever," for half an hour.

You can say very much by saying very little, small grasshopper.

Pretend you're Laurie and insult me.

Okay.

Hey, Hyde, you're stupid.

Whatever.

Wow! That was great!

Yeah.

Now. Another part of this is ambiguity.

Say it with me.

Ambiguity. Ambiguity.

Very good. See, you don't want people to know exactly what you mean.

Here. Ask me if I want to go to a movie tonight.

Okay. Hyde, would you like to go to a movie tonight?

That's cool.

See, you don't know if I mean "That's cool, I'll go,"

Or "That's cool, no, thanks."

And that's cool. Whatever.

Oh, my God!

I am so sorry I got impatient.

That's cool.

Hey, guys.

So, Jackie, Eric won't invite me to dinner tonight.

So, do you want to, like, go to the mall or something?

That's cool.

Wait. What do you mean?

Oh, my God, it worked.

I mean...

Whatever.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

What? What?

You guys started eatin' without me?

That is so rude!

I'm just kiddin'!

Well, Eric, you must've forgotten to mention that you invited Michael to dinner tonight.

Oh, right. Uh...

Yeah, I guess I did.

Oh, and there are my chocolates...

The chocolates that I asked you to bring over to me.

Ooh, Fanny Farmer. My favorite.

No, no. Those are for Laurie.

Kelso, what the hell are you doing here?

Dad!

Uh...

Nougat?

Don't worry, Red.

I got somethin' for you, too.

Ah...

Five beers?

Uh, yeah. They were all out of six-packs.

Weird, huh?

Let me help you out with that there, Red.

Are you takin' a beer?

Hey, focus, man! He's datin' your daughter!

Laurie...

What's goin' on?

He's my boyfriend, Daddy!

And he loves me, and...

He's good to me, and we're...

Happy together.

Kelso, you have five seconds to get as far away from me as possible!

But, Red, what about our unspoken bond?

One!

Two!

I'll call you.

Beer, Red?

And the rest of dinner, was eaten in complete silence.

The only sound was the dull throbbing of that vein in Red's giant, shiny head.

Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso.

Sure, he's had sex a lot and I am still a virgin, but...

Oh, I wish I was Kelso.

No, you don't, Fez.

Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban clones that anything's wrong, man.

No, wait. That's me.

Man.

I just totally forgot why I was laughing.

Isn't that funny?

Ok, uh, no more for the cheerleader. Okay?

Jackie, you seem different.

I don't know if it's your hair, your outfit...

Or your red, puffy eyes.

She's Zen, man.

I've taken her under my wing.

I'm running a dojo of coolness.

Jackie, demonstrate.

Oogly moogly.

Googly.

Yeah, it's her first day.

Kitty, I don't want our daughter dating that kettlehead.

Well, maybe it's just a phase.

No. He's been a kettlehead since...

No. No. I meant Laurie.

This is how it starts, you know.

First they're dating and having fun.

And then the next thing you know, they're pryin' the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.

Oh, honey, they're not gonna get married.

He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.

Oh. Okay.

I see Mr. Smiley isn't in town today.

I expected more from her.

What the hell is she doing with some high-school kid?

She went to college!

Well, she did flunk out.

Oh, Kitty...

I can see how their future is gonna turn out...

And it's not good.

More mashed potatoes, Red?

Why, thank you, Servotron 2000.

Oh, that's cold.

Damn foreign robots.

Oh, it's so nice to have dinner with the family like this.

Yeah. It's a good thing we found a baby-sitting droid for the quintuplets.

So, Michael, how's the job hunt going?

Great! They had a real short line at the unemployment office, so I got home in time to catch the end of The Space Price is Right.

You know, times are tough for me and Kelso right now.

You'll help us, won't you, Daddy?

I'll always be there for you, honey.

I think she means financially, Red.

I know what she means...

Kettlehead.

You're givin' us more money... Right, dude?

Yes, damn it!

All right. All right.

Hey, Laurie, I think it's time for our "nap".

All right! That's it!

I've gotta go to Saturn on business for a week.

Now, when I get back, you better have a job, or it's off to the asteroid mines for you!

Don't forget your briefcase, Red.

Thank you, Servotron 2000.

Now...

Roll back the roof, 'cause I gotta go.

Jetpack... Blast off!

Red.

Red.

Ahem. That's it.

I'm just gonna tell her that she can't see him anymore.

Nope, nope. You can't do that, Red.

In fact, the more we fight it, the more she's gonna want to be with... Kettlehead.

At this rate, I'm gonna have a heart attack before I even get my jetpack.

You know... I missed you guys.

Yeah. This place just isn't the same when I'm not around.

Oh, hey. You guys want to hear a really funny story?

I was just upstairs, and Red was yelling at me about you.

And, uh, then I said, "What are you doin' yellin' at me? Kelso's right downstairs.

"In fact, I'll go get him for you," I said.

Say, that is a funny story.

I don't care. I'll talk to Red.

He was really mean to me, and here I brought him a five-pack.

So I hope he's ready to apologize.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, that's it.

If there's one thing Red's about, it's forgiveness.

No, he's not.

He's the opposite of that.

Oh, wait.

I get you.

Funny.

Wait. Uh...

Red, can't we, uh, leave that open?

Have a seat, Kelso.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about your relationship with my only daughter.

She's a gem.

Shut up.

Kitty says that if the two of you want to see each other, there's nothing I can do about it.

But she's wrong... 'Cause I could kill you.

That's a joke, Kelso. You should laugh when I make a joke.

Hey, good one, Red.

See, you're making me think that I should take a personal interest in you, and you don't want that. Take Eric, for example.

I have a personal interest in him.

Oh, God.

There you go.

What you want to do here is fly in under my radar so that if I never see you and Laurie together or hear your name mentioned in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist. Got it?

Yeah...

Okay, so you mean if me and Laurie...

Oh, now, see, you just mentioned my daughter's name.

I'm sorry.

Okay. Um...

If Kelso and your daughter...

No, no, no. See, now, that's, uh... That's not gonna work, either.

Well, this is hard, Red!

Yeah. Well, you're gonna be here 'til you get it right, Kelso.

Okay, Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come lookin' for me.

Yeah, but they're not gonna find you.

Oh, that's another joke. Come on, laugh, Kelso!

Oh, you again.

What happened? Did they let out kindergarten early today?

Whatever.

Jackie, don't you have a lame comeback saved for just this very occasion?

That's cool.

Oh, so now you're Little Miss Cool, huh?

Whatever.

Well, if you're really as cool as you think you are, you would've been able to hold on to your one true love.

But you couldn't, could you?

Loser!

Oh, well.

Catfight!

You guys, stop it!

Ow! You bit me! Jackie, hit her in the eye!

Ow, my eye!

Oh, I know! We can pour water on them, and then we can see through their shirts!

Oh!

Bitch!

You kicked her ass, man!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Oh, my gosh. I am so turned on.

I can't believe Laurie bit me.

I hope she didn't give me, like, slut rabies.

Jackie...

You're my hero.

You hit her in the eye.

Yeah, but I guess it wasn't very Zen of me, was it, Hyde?

Well, where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.

That's your final lesson, grasshopper.

Hey, man...

Let's do that thing where we all sit in the circle again.

Oh, one step ahead of ya.

The fact that you actually went into the garage with Red, that's so brave.

Yeah.

I guess we both had to fight for our love, baby.

I'm coming in the living room now!

Oh!

Well. Hi, there, kitten.

Hi, Daddy.