That '70s Show S2E26 Script

Moon Over Point Place (2000)

Okay. You guys, I just got an advance copy of the yearbook, and you'll all be happy to know that 1977 is my cutest year ever.

Jackie, that is so weird, because I was just telling the gang how there's no way you could be cuter than last year.

You were?

Yes.

I, for one, totally believe that you are cuter this year.

Yeah, since I dumped you.

Nice burn.

Donna, we've talked about that.

Hey, Steven, wanna pop some popcorn and look at all the yearbook pictures of me?

No. I figure I'll do plenty of that when I die and go to hell.

God, you're such a card.

This is so exciting, my first American yearbook.

Show us some pictures of Fez.

Sorry, Fez. There aren't any.

What the hell?

So, they don't let foreigners in your yearbook?

Uh-huh.

Here's me cheering at the pep rally last fall.

Oh, my God.

Someone in the crowd is mooning.

You're all cheering away, and the whole time you're getting mooned.

Yeah!

Oh, my God.

That's a girl butt. Hee hee!

There's girl butt in the yearbook.

Oh, man, I can't tell who it is.

I wish we had a magnifying glass.

Oh. Here you go.

I was just playing with some bugs.

God, I can't believe it.

Someone's nasty butt is in my picture.

Oh, my God.

That's not girl butt.

That's Donna's butt!

Yeah! It is.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Eric?

Are you okay? 'Cause you look weird.

Yeah. Could it be because of your girlfriend's naked butt?

Kelso, you're not helping.

I'm not trying to help.

Eric, it's no big deal.

It is, too, Donna.

Your nasty butt ruined my picture.

Hey. Maybe your nasty face ruined my butt picture.

I know why I'm not in the yearbook.

It because whitey's keeping me down.

Hey, Fez.

Just look at Donna's naked butt some more.

Yes, that's nice, thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Donna, take me through the chain of events.

Now, you're at the pep rally...

Oh, and at this point, your pants are on.

Right. And then they weren't.

Donna, mooning's not something you just do.

No. It's not something you just do, because it's impossible to moon when you have no ass.

Michael is such a boy.

He doesn't even know who he is.

You know who knows who he is?

Steven Hyde.

Oh, no. Now you like Hyde?

No. I don't like him.

I just think, he's, like, the sweetest, coolest guy I've ever met.

Jackie, I thought you hated him.

Feelings change, Donna.

Like, remember when we first met and I hated you?

What?

Yeah. I thought you were, like, this big goon.

Didn't we have this talk?

No.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay. I mean, I hated you, too.

Yeah. That's 'cause you're a big goon.

Bitch.

Goon.

Bitch. Goon!

See? See? We're closer than ever.

I gotta go find Steven.

Oh. Ha-ha.

Hello, strangers.

Look, Red, it's the Pinciottis.

Yeah. And they're dressed the same.

We were jogging.

So you had to dress the same?

Well, I hope we're still on for cards tomorrow night.

Oh, about that. Uh, we can't...

Hey, no excuses necessary.

Gosh darn the luck.

That just makes me so sad.

I gotta go inside.

Well, me, too.

Um, Midge, is something bothering Bob?

Oh, he's uncomfortable around you and Red now that Donna and Eric... Know each other.

If you know what I mean.

You see, I'm using the word "know" in a different way here.

Uh-huh?

It's a pun.

It's not a...

Okay, Midge, good pun.

Bye-bye now.

Oh, they are nuts.

Yeah. There's a lot of things about Steven that I used to not like, that now I really like.

Like, well, I thought his pork-chop sideburns were a sign that he was poor and dirty and lived in a shack.

But then I realized that Elvis had sideburns, and he lived in Graceland.

Well, that was an eye-opener.

There he is. Hi, Steven.

What's she doing here?

I think she's hittin' on me, man.

But I ain't interested.

Tell her I ain't interested and make her go away.

Hitting on you?

I am not hitting on you, you relic.

Hey, name-calling is no way to win someone's heart.

What are you talking about?

What are you talkin' about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talkin' about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talkin' about?

Oh, my God.

Great. Now he got away.

Steven!

What was she talking about?

Man, I don't know what's gotten into Jackie.

Steven, let's hang out.

Steven, let's go to the mall.

My life's a living hell, you know?

Steven, you're hilarious!

You know, Steven and I tease each other.

That's what best friends do.

You know what?

I love showing my butt.

I don't care what Eric says.

I like to show it, and I like to shake it.

Donna, I can totally respect that.

Just be careful, though, or they'll call you a home-wrecker.

I can count the number of homes I've wrecked on one hand.

Well, don't worry, ladies, 'cause no one's gonna label you here.

If you guys wanna take off some clothes and shake some stuff, feel free.

Not you.

I wouldn't call you a home-wrecker, Laurie.

No. I'd call you a slut.

And a home-wrecker. j& Shake, shake, shake j& Shake, shake, shake j& Shake your booty j&

Whoo! Rock it, girl. j& Shake your booty j&

Yeah. That's good stuff.

Hey. Let's see a smile.

After all, no card game with the Looney Tunes tonight.

Red, they are the only friends we've got.

I am having them over tonight so we can clear the air.

No. No, no.

I don't wanna clear the air.

Red, I'm clearing the air.

Kitty, this is our chance to grow apart.

How can you throw that away?

How?

Because six nights a week, I have to stare at your sour puss, and even God got to rest one day a week.

Hey.

Hey.

So, the yearbooks are out and no one's noticed your...

Fleshy indiscretion.

So I guess I'm cool with it.

What a relief.

I tossed and turned all night.

Well, relax, Donna. Relax.

Because, I mean, it's a tiny picture, it's all out of focus.

I think it's safe to say this little episode is behind us now.

Hey, everybody!

Donna showed her ass!

Donna showed her ass!

Donna showed her ass!

Donna showed her ass!

Donna showed her ass!

Yeah!

Okay, um...

We're been friends and neighbors for a long time, and, um, I think there's something we need to talk about.

Don't you, Bob?

Nope.

Kitty, don't push him.

He might just get up and leave.

I'd respect you if you got up and left.

Eric and Donna are having sex.

What the hell? Kitty!

I didn't know that clearing the air meant we were gonna have a sex talk with the neighbors.

I did.

And I thought it was gonna be fun, and it is fun.

I think what Midge means is it's good to clear the air.

Secrets cause cancer.

Fine. Bring it on.

Just so long as I don't have to talk about this.

I gotta say, I'm with Bob on this.

Right. So let's all just not talk.

Okay. Deal.

Okay. Deal, buddy.

No, Bob.

Deal.

You lose again, cracker.

Why don't you go home and cry to your big white mama?

Well, first of all, dude, I think I'm Chinese.

And second of all, let me see you put your money where your mouth is.

I don't know, 20 bucks.

I'm gonna have to dip into my baby-sitting money.

I mean... My drag-racing money.

Time to lose, little white girls.

Score!

Hey, I just remembered, man, I'm really good at this game.

Ooh, Steven!

I'm so glad you're here.

Jackie, please, I'm right in the middle of "Smokey and the Band-Aid," okay?

Okay. Fine.

But I signed us up for roller-disco lessons at skateworld tonight.

Class starts in half an hour, so we'd better hustle.

You get it? Hustle?

Okay. Let me explain something to you.

On Friday nights, I don't roller-disco.

I go out looking for roller-discoers to punch in the head.

Okay. Fine. We won't roller-disco.

We'll do anything you want.

No, we won't.

Look, man, you and I don't have anything in common.

You're, like, a square.

You know? A cheerleader.

So just...

Roller-disco on out of here, okay?

Fine. Fine. I guess I'm not cool enough to hang out with you anymore.

Now you're getting it.

You know what, Steven?

You think you know me, but you don't.

You don't know me at all.

I know you like unicorns, so bye-bye.

Oh, my God. Call Walter Cronkite.

My girlfriend has her pants on.

Okay. You're behaving like the biggest baby.

What's your problem?

What's my...

My problem is, it's your... butt.

It's our butt. It's my butt.

Eric, it's my butt.

And when I showed it, it was funny.

And you should be glad that you have a girlfriend who's cool enough to moon.

Well... yeah, okay.

I mean, you're right, but... you know what?

Once the jocks and the guys with the Firebirds see it, you know, they're just gonna totally want you.

Oh, no. And with my weak-willed girly mind, I'll go, too.

You're such a bonehead.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. It's great.

But, you know, in the future, would it kill you just to have a smidgen of modesty?

Oh, my God.

What...

What's so funny?

You're a prude.

I am not.

Yes. You're uptight, like a little pilgrim.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

In the end, I'm glad my Donna's with your Eric.

At least I know Eric's not a degenerate.

Who's the prude now, huh?

My ass is swinging, baby! Whoo!

Eric.

Hi, mom.

So, Bob, you wanna go ahead and cancel next week's game, buddy?

Okay.

Tie game.

This is it, Fez.

Channel all of your hatred for the white man into this one last point.

I am full of hate, my brother.

Hey, foreign guy, will you sign your yearbook picture?

My what-book picture?

Oh, my God.

It is half my face.

Oh, I feel the warm love and embrace of the whitey.

I forfeit. You win.

No. No, no!

Look, no one is embracing you, Fez.

You're brown, okay?

So let's kick some racist ass!


We lost?

Nice game, my white friends.

You owe me money!

Hey, Hyde.

Oh, no.

Is the roller-disco craze over already?

Of course not.

Look, Hyde, I just wanted you to know that I'm not a square cheerleader.

I'm on the wrong side of the law, because I have this.

Oh, no. A paper bag. Run.

Jackie?

Oh, yeah.

I bought it in the ghetto.

Jackie, there is no ghetto here.

There's, like, that one house that needs to be painted.

Okay, fine. I bought it from my housekeeper.

Whatever.

So, what are you saying?

You wanna be, like, a burnout now?

No. No, Hyde, I just wanna be with you.

Okay? I think you're one of the coolest, sweetest guys I've ever met.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Is there a problem here?

No, sir, Officer.

There's no problem at all, right, Jackie?

There's nothing in the bag.

Okay, Miss, let's go.

No, no. I can't go to jail.

I have to cheer tomorrow.

What are you doing, man?

The bag is mine.

Come on, cheerleader, dirtbag.

Okay, man.

Oh, my God.

Steven Hyde, you were right.

We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends.

Because now... I love you.

Oh, my God. Would you shut up?

As God is my witness, I will wait for you.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I don't think Bob will ever recover from the sight of your rear end.

What rear end?

What I can't figure out is how you expected to run away with your pants down around your ankles.

Damn, he's dumb.

Hello.

Steven, where have you been?

You missed the funniest damn thing.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Pants around the ankles.

Oh, that's great.

Look, Red, I gotta talk to you about something.

Arrested?

For what?

For possession of what?

Son of a bitch!

Hyde got arrested?

For what?

For holding? For holding what?

For holding my heart.

Because I love him.

What?

It's true, okay?

I love Steven Hyde, and, someday, he'll love me.

And he'll cut off those stupid sideburns and we'll live happily ever after.

What?