That '70s Show S2E3 Script

The Velvet Rope (1999)

Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

That's because I don't know what it is.

Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some...


Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Is this rabbit?


Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Laurie, it is not dog food, and God, I hope so.

So, would you hire me?

I'd hire you, Daddy.

Especially if the position was world's best father.

Aw, you make me sick.

Is it horse?

No, it is not horse.

Honey, now I know, I know you've been just a little bit blue since the plant closed, so...

I got you a present.


You're Hired.

"The essential guide for job hunting."


I don't need that.

I've been working since I was 16.

I fought in two wars.

Hell, I killed people.

I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it.

No, no, no, no. I just, you know, I just thought I'd give you a little edge.

I don't need an edge.

I'm Red Forman. I'm experienced, loyal, hard-working.

That's the trifecta of employability.

Well, thanks, sweetie.

Good luck, honey.

Bye, Daddy. Okay.

I've got it. It's tongue.

It's tongue.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

All right, it's official.

My parents are freaks.

Which one of you is my boyfriend again?

Right. It's you.

You're taking me out of this stinkin' town tonight.

W-w-wait, Donna, don't you wanna know why Fez is in his undies?


It is a really crazy story.

Oh, oh, you know what?

I'll tell you a crazy story.

It all started, like, four minutes ago...

Oh, good God. What are you guys doing now?

Yoga. I'm trying to align your father's chakras.

I didn't even know the damn things were out of whack.

Why can't you guys be normal?

Donna, your negativity is bruising our auras.

Please leave.

Gladly. Oh, and honey, we're also exploring tantric sex.

So, if you hear any strange noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's bedroom... Ew!

Why must you guys freak me out on a daily basis?

I don't want to picture you naked, and I'm leaving now. Forever.

Ouch. Okay, Donna, I think we need to take you out for some dirty bad fun.

Thank you, Eric.

Oh, you want dirty bad fun?

Listen to this.

I came here fully clothed.

Oh! No, no, I know.

There's this new club that opened in Chicago.

It's supposed to be like, like, the hottest spot this side of Studio 54.

My God, you guys, that's perfect.

No, no, Michael, we can't go.

My parents are gonna be out late tonight, and...

We have to study.

Study? Aw, what a gyp. I'm going to the club.

No. No, no, Michael, you're coming over to my house tonight and we're gonna...



I never get to do anything fun.

God, you're dumb.

I guess that's why I've gotta go study.

Hi. Red Forman.

Experienced, loyal, hard-working.


Hey! That's Red!

It's all you guys from the, uh...

From the plant, huh?

So, we're all going after the same job.

Well. That's, uh... That's terrific.

Boy, I wish I had your confidence, Red.

I got nothing.

All I can think to do is tell this guy I'm experienced, loyal, and hard-working.

Son of a bitch!

So, I brought my books.

Michael, we're not gonna study.

We're not?


My parents are gonna be gone for hours.


So, what do you want to do?

Oh, check it out. Bowie.

Man, he's cool.

Yeah. Androgynous guys are so manly.


Do you know who would look totally, totally sexy, glammed up like Bowie?


You, Michael.

You're crazy.

No, I'm not glam.

No, come on, Michael, you have such pretty eyes.

Well, my lashes do go out, like, a mile.

And with this, I can flip 'em up.

No way! Yeah, yeah.

Eric, you here?

Yeah, I'm in the living room, baby.

What are you staring at?

You're really...

Brick house.

Thanks, you wanna... Shh.

Let me just stare at you for a second.

Can we just... Uh...

Okay, I'm good.

God, this is stupid.

Shut up, Michael, I'm almost done.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Okay. Here, take a look.


Ok, yeah. My eyes are gorgeous.

See? See, I told you.

Michael, do you know what you need now?

Some blush.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jackie.

All right, glam is one thing, but I think we're crossing over into weird.

No, no, trust me, Michael. We're not.

With cheekbones like that, blush is your best friend.

Yeah, I do have bitchin' cheekbones.

Okay, let's blush.

People are so friendly around here.

Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.

Yeah, for money, Fez.

I could not ask them for money.

Or could I?

Wow, guys, check out this crowd.

I know. This is gonna be so great.

Let's go see how long the wait is.

Excuse me, how long... You're in.

Oh, man. I'm so up for this.

Not you.

Well, that's fine. I'll just wait with you guys.

No, we're next. Go in.

Yeah? All right. I'll see you guys inside.

You know what?

This is probably just some kind of fire code thing.

Yeah, okay, wait. What's going on? We're next.

No, you're not.

What are you talking about?

Well, Archie...

I'm here to let the cool people in and keep the geeks out.

Those poor, stupid geeks.

Oh, my God, we are geeks!


Did slipping the bouncer a $10 work?

Yes, it did, Hyde.

That's why I'm inside the club.

There you are.

This place is awesome. Why aren't you inside?

Oh, we were in. We were on the inside.

I didn't see you.

Oh, yeah. We waved at you, but you were, uh...

Dancing. Excellent.

Uh, you were dancing, and then we went through this...

Door. Yes. We went through this door, and we were locked out.

Uh, and then we had to get in the back of the line, so...

All right, well, when you get back inside, find me.

Go, yeah. Yeah, go.

We'll meet on the inside.

Okay. Yeah, go.

That was really smooth.

Smooth enough to get us in?


Okay, that's it. You must let me in.


Because I feel the hot rhythm of disco burning in my loins.


Okay. You're in.

So long, losers.

So, you're saying that this stuff won't come off?

Like, even if I cry?

Man, that's great.

Oh, Michael, you are the best doll I have ever had.

You know what? I have the perfect gown for you.

All right, Jackie, slow down.

Okay, wearing lipstick is one thing, but a gown? That's kind of fruity.

No, no, it's not, Michael.

Bowie wears dresses.

Joe Namath wears pantyhose.

Jackie. No.

I'll be right back.

Jackie, I said no.

All right. Nothing too girly, and I mean it!

Well, so much for your "He can't stop both of us" theory.

This bites, man.

He can't keep us out of there. I mean, what, did we wake up in Russia this morning?

No. We did not, in fact, wake up in Russia this morning.

I didn't think so.

Hey, let me tell you something, pal.

You're propping up a dying system, man.

You see, someday soon, people are gonna wake up, and they're gonna realize that most of us don't fit into your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy-coated ideal of what's cool.

And when we do, we're gonna rise up, we're gonna put you on trial, then parade through the streets with your head on a stick!

Righteous political outrage. You're in.

All right. I'll see you later, Forman.

Yeah, well, when the revolution comes, man,

your backs could be up against the wall...

Damn it, let me in! My girlfriend's in there!

The foxy redhead?

I thought that was your sister.

What does she see in you?

You know what she sees, buddy?

You know what she sees?

Well, let me tell you something, if she was the bouncer, I'd be in that stupid club right now, you big ass.

Yeah. I said it.

Hi, honey.


I didn't get the job.

Okay, well, you will get them next time.

Aw, Kitty...

The world's changing.

Things aren't turning out the way I expected.

Well, Red, what did you expect?


I don't know, I...

Take that, Hirohito.

And that.

Yes, with America's victory overseas now complete, our fighting boys return home, where the American working man takes his rightful place on the throne.

"Hi, honey. How was your day?"

"They gave me another raise."

"Oh, honey, with all the money you make, "it's no wonder I don't have to work."

Daughter Laurie has a question.

"Daddy, why is the American economy

"the envy of the world?"

"Well," says Dad, "It's because the American worker

"is experienced, loyal, and hard-working."

Looks like junior has some good news.

"Say, Dad, you can stop giving me money now.

"I just got a football scholarship to Notre Dame."

"I guess experience, loyalty, and hard work really do pay off."

Daughter Laurie has another question.

"Daddy, can you tell me

"why Germany and Japan's economies never recovered?"

"It's simple. They are not experienced.

"They are not hard-working.

"They are not loyal.

"And they do not speak English."

Speaking of work, Mom has to go grocery shopping.

"Can I have the keys to the Cadillac?"

"Forget the Cadillac.

"Take the hovercraft."

Red... The hovercraft?


What? They promised us hovercrafts.

It's just another damn broken promise.

Okay, cream, two sugars.

Well, you just drink up, and I'll just, I don't know, head inside.

Yeah. No.

Oh, come on. You suck.

Mr. Big shot bouncer.

Mr. "I open and close the rope."

Mr. Boat man on the River Styx.

Just, God, I bet you've never been excluded from anything in your whole life.

Hey, that's not fair.

I've been excluded from lots of things.

Yeah? Like what?

Oh, no, okay.

Uh, when I was in kindergarten, we used to play "Duck, duck, goose"...

And nobody ever picked me to be the goose.

Oh, wow. That must have really hurt.

I didn't care.

You didn't care? Uh-huh.

So, you're just sitting there, watching this kid go around the circle, duck, duck, duck...

He'd get closer and closer.

Duck... You'd be shaking with anticipation.

Duck... "Maybe he'll pick me."

Duck... "Maybe I'll get to run and laugh

"with the joy of being a goose."

And then he'd come to you, place his hand on your head and say "Duck." And you're telling me you didn't care?

Okay, yeah, it hurts. Yes, thank you. That's what I'm saying.

And now you...

Have made me...

The duck!


Oh, man. I didn't realize.

Dance, goose.


Oh, God, Michael, in that dress, you are way prettier than Bowie.

Hell, I'm prettier than you.

That's not funny, Michael.

Did you just hear a car pull up?

Relax, Jackie, your parents aren't supposed to be home for, like, like, another hour.

Spin me.

Hi, Daddy.

We're studying.

Daddy, no! Daddy, I love him!

Wow. What a night, right?

Oh, phew, exactly.

Donna, why are you with me?

Um, the bouncer wanted to know.

What did you tell him?

You know, I couldn't think of a reason.


You know, come to think of it, I can't either.

What I need to do is find a guy who's, like, totally different from you.

Maybe big and dumb and, you know, not nice to me.

Oh, and no sense of humor, so when I tell a joke, he doesn't get it.

I mean, that's a real turn on.

Okay, enough. No. No, no, no.

Seriously. Thank you.

I mean, if you hadn't have pointed this out to me, I might have wasted years with you.

I mean, I almost had sex with you.

Whoo! Thank you.

Okay, I think the question has become why am I with you?

Oh, right, okay.

I had a great time.

Good night.


Last night, I was with Jackie...

Tonight, I'll be with Laurie.

It's just the kind of life that a stud like me leads.


Kelso, your mascara's running.


She told me it was waterproof.