That '70s Show S2E4 Script

Laurie and the Professor (1999)

So, look at us.

This is just like a Norman Rockwell painting.

Mom is serving breakfast, Daddy's reading the newspaper, and brother Eric is trying to hide a big, purple, nasty hickey.

What? Hickey, I don't have a hickey.

You know, Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.

For God's sakes, don't let Donna suck your neck.

She's a nice girl.

I don't have a hickey. I was using a curling iron.

Oh, well, will you just look at that.

No! Mom!

Red, remember that time...

No, and neither do you.


So, um, Laurie, what's on the agenda today? Agenda?

A list of goals or actions one might feel good about achieving so as to... Eric, you tell her.

Mom, come on, relax.

I'm still getting used to being back home.

Yeah, flunking out of college can be draining, phew!


Oh, come on, that was so mild.

Well, Laurie, all you do is sit around the house and watch television.

You should come down to the hospital and volunteer.

She's right, Laurie.


You know, I think Eric needs an agenda. Look at his neck.

It's a birthmark. It's been there since birth.

Good morning, class.

Oh, good morning, orphan.

Good morning.

That's all you got?


Mom, he called me a whore.

Yeah. Steven, honey...

You are too young for coffee. Have some juice.

Mrs. Forman, I need coffee.

Your son kept me up all night bragging about his hickey.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay. Whatever you do, Eric, do not wear a turtleneck to school, okay?

It's a dead giveaway.

Yeah, I'd go for a decorative scarf.

Thank you.

Did you have to tell everyone about the hickey?

Well, everyone can kind of see it, Vampira.

Laurie had a field day at breakfast.

Yeah, I hopped on that dog pile, too.

You sure did, you dillhole.

All right, Forman, yeah, that was sort of mean.

Probably what I should have said is...

"I'm sick of sharing a room with you

"and all of your disgusting fluids and gases."

Oh, and yours are just dreamy, Hyde.

Excuse me, may I please have a hickey, please?


Please? No!

Jackie? No!

Please? No!

So, the two of you do things to please your man.

Well, Fez is a man.

Why do you not please him?


Jackie, just give him a hickey.

Okay, I'm going home.

Me, too.

Gotta go shopping with my mom.

Suddenly it's like really important that we be best friends.

What happened? She's been reading.

Reading. Damn it, when will they learn?

Yeah, finally, I thought Jackie'd never leave.

Okay, Kelso, what are you doing?

Well, I need a sexy memento from Laurie.

I'm gonna commemorate our forbidden love...

With panties.

Fine. Just take your panties and go home.

Man, those are my mom's! Come on!

Okay, Forman, look, man, I'm not telling you how to live your life, but if someone touched my mom's panties...

Hyde, didn't everyone touch your mom's panties?


Man, that was a burn.

Okay, Forman, I have a solution to this whole "You being a pain in my ass, "we sharing a room" thing.

You move out.

Of my room? Yeah.

Well, uh, that's just not gonna happen.

Ok, fine, I'll move out, you big baby.

Still friends?

I need time to heal.

Okay, these are Laurie's, right?

Kelso, what exactly are you gonna do with those panties?

Just look at 'em.

Kelso, did you ever notice that Laurie and Eric have the same eyes?

So, if you're doing it with Laurie, and she's perhaps wearing a hat, it's kind of like you're doing it with Eric, too.

So, here we are... Together... Again.


I'm just loving the time we spend together, Donna.

In my new book, Our Mothers, Ourselves, it says we're supposed to be friends.

We should talk to each other and listen.

Your stupid father never listens.

Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?

Oh, I don't know, I only read the first chapter.

Okay, no more talking about your father.

So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?

Oh, they're awesome.

Oh, good, 'cause your father's an ass!

Kelso took your underwear.

Aw, that's like the third pair.


Gimme the remote control.

Gimme a reason why I shouldn't set you on fire.

All right, Laurie, take your best shot!

Oh, Red, we talked about this. Let him go.

Hello, Laurie.

I apologize for coming unannounced, but I...

Mom, Daddy, this is Professor Stark.

He was my art history teacher.

Well, actually, I was your psychology teacher.

Well, whatever you taught her, she flunked it.


So, you're from the, uh, University of Wisconsin?

Are you here to give me back my money?

Well, actually, I came here because of Laurie.

Oh, yes. He came to see if the university would take me back.

Really? Oh, please, here, have a seat.

I'll make coffee and cake...

I'll make coffee cake. And coffee!

Oh, gosh, really, can you get her back into the university and out of my house?

Well, I'm going to try my darndest.

Well, this is really good news.

This is the best news I've ever heard.

Yes it is. I want to get Laurie back in school.

Professor, question.

Uh, how lame, exactly, is your student body if you're trying to get this dumb cow back in...

Eric! Don't be a smart mouth.

We've got company.

Yeah, yeah, go make coffee.

Don't scare him off. He's our only hope.

So, um, maybe you could stay for dinner?

Why, yes, thank you. That... That would be lovely.

Oh, and I believe, uh, these paint chips are yours.

Well, these are the color of our front door, aren't they?

Yeah. You had a paint chip hanging from your front door so I... I started to peel it and I guess I got a little overzealous.

Um, psychology, huh?

Yes, yes.

Human foibles fascinate me.

Hey, Dad.

Where have you two been?

Uh, Mom bought me these clogs. Aren't they great?

Oh, she bought you clogs.

With my money.

So, officially, I bought you clogs.

No, Bob, I bought her the clogs.

Get in the car, Donna. I'm gonna buy you something.

Uh, actually, Dad, I've got homework and...

Do you love your daddy?

Yes. Let's go.

Looks like you're going shopping with the big ass!

I don't think so.

Eric, I need you to go to the store and get me three pounds of ground beef, lean.

Mom, look, before you go and blow 20 more cents a pound on ground beef, this guy is not gonna get Laurie back into college.

She's stupid and evil.

Mostly stupid.

Eric, she's not stupid.

She's just... She has... Special...

Just go.


Oh, honey, just share the room with Eric.

No, thank you. I'm fine.



No way!

Yep. Laurie and her professor, tonguing in the garage like hungry dogs.

It was very disgusting.

No, no, you see, because Laurie wouldn't just make out with some old guy.

She wouldn't do that.

No, it's true, man.

I was in the upstairs closet trying out my cot, and I saw 'em.

It was like live porno, but not good porno, 'cause he's, like, really, really old.

It was like old bad porno.

Michael, why do you care if Laurie kisses her professor?

Yeah, Kelso, why do you care?

Well... Because...

You see, it's wrong for an old person to make out with an innocent young student.

God, you're noble.


Okay, Eric, no offense, but your sister is as slutty as they come.

Eric, are you gonna let her say that about your sister?


Hey, Forman, did you realize that there's a room back here, man?

And it barely stinks!

Perfect. You can sit back there beneath your bare bulb writing angry letters to the government.

Oh, don't think I won't.

You see what's beautiful here, people?

I finally have something on Laurie.

I own her. Oh, yeah, she is so screwed.

All right. Just be nice.

Look. Did everyone see my hickey?

Somebody loves me.

Moron, you gave that to yourself.

It's still wet.

Oh, no, I did not.

Somebody loves me.

There is a lady love.

There is!

So, you like the shirt I bought you?

It's very nice.

I wasn't sure, because you didn't put it on in the store, like you did with the clogs.

I knew it. You hate the shirt.

Nice digs, huh?

It's perfect.

This is the room where we put all that crap we just can't throw away.

Like you.

Forman, is it just me or do your mom and dad like me a whole lot better than they like you?

See, I kid, but you hurt.

Boys, dinner!

All right, man, you ready to make Laurie squeal like the family pig?

Oh, yes.

You're gonna punk out, aren't you?

Well, it is my nature.

Look, Forman, you've always been the runt of the litter.

This is your chance to bite the big dog on the ass.

So, my advice to you is...

Bite the big dog on the ass.

Okay, what if I let her off with a warning, you know?

Just this one time.

Well, that would be the mature choice...

But not evil!

You gotta think evil, man!

Where would we be without the A-bomb?

Well, actually, the war was all but won when...

Shut up! Okay, now, let's... Let's review.

Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed.

Daddy, Eric snuck out last night.

Daddy, I saw Eric drinking all your beer.

Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate, so I flunked out of college.

Daddy, Eric used all my hand lotion.

Okay, that bitch is dead.

So, um, this news about Laurie leaving is just a little ray of sunshine.

Well, I just wish that more teachers cared about their students like you do.

I think it all started going downhill when you couldn't paddle the kids anymore.

Pansy-ass supreme court.

Shut up.

Hey, Forman, he who hesitates is boned.

Laurie is one of the most gifted young women in my class.

I've always enjoyed having her.

I own you.

Is there something wrong with the bread?

No. Why?

Oh, Laurie...

I know something that you don't know that I know, you know?

Yes, yes.

Tell us, Forman, so that we can all know.

You don't know anything.

And if you do know something, I will make you sorry you were ever born.

Well, for your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born.



So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

Well, she'll have to work with me, make a commitment to school.

She'll really have to buckle down.

Well, what do you think, Laurie?

Are you willing to give it a go?

Oh, Mother, she's very willing.

You know, Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today, in the garage.

Burst into flames, burst into flames!

Burst into flames!

It was just... It was so surprising.

Oh, Eric, do tell.

I saw Laurie...

I'm in love with your daughter.


Da... Hey! Come back here!

Did you two have fun?

A blast.

Oh, Donna, that shirt your father bought you makes you look so fat.

Yeah? Well, those clogs make you look like a duck.

Okay, you know what?

Both of you guys really need to shut up.

I'm so sick of hearing you fight.

Do you even know what you're fighting about?

Uh... I know she started it!

I only got mad because I knew you were gonna get mad.

All right, okay, what... You know what? Whatever.

Just no more fighting with each other through me. Got it?

Although I would like you to continue buying me things.

I mean, thank you. j& She likes the shirt better j&

You're an ass, Bob!

Ooh, good comeback, ooh!


Mr. Forman, I really want to get Laurie back in school.

Oh, for God's sake, Laurie, the man's in love with you and you still couldn't pass?


So I guess I disappointed you, Daddy.

I'm really sorry.

I just wish he wouldn't have taken advantage of me and my love for education.

That is just so weak.

Well, I guess you're not the first student to be taken advantage of by a teacher.

Oh, wait. Where are you going with that, Dad?

Just try not to be too hard on yourself.

No, no!


And the really sad thing is Eric saw him kiss me today, and he didn't even try to stop him.

'Cause she wanted it!

You knew about this and you didn't do anything?

She's your sister!

Yeah, Eric. Why?

I'll deal with you later, Eric.

Come on, Laurie. I'll make you a cup of coffee and explain to you the nature of men.

Something I thought you already knew, but apparently you don't.

Oh, Eric, I forgive you.

Well, this is unforgivable.

In fact, you suck!

I'll be in my room.

Oh, Mom. Oh, my god, Mom.

I had her in my sights.

I mean, she was right in the cross hairs.

Oh, honey...

You know I love you and your sister equally.

But if you ever get an opportunity again, for God's sake, pull the trigger.

I'm gonna tell you something, Laurie.

If you slept with that professor, it's over between you and me.

Kelso, I slept with him a thousand times.

Why must you hurt me?

Shut up.

Hey, hey! Get out!

Get out!

I hate you both.

Go home, Fez.