That '70s Show S2E6 Script

Vanstock (1999)

Hey, Dad, can I go to Vanstock with the guys this weekend?

What the hell's a Vanstock?

Well, it's like Woodstock, but with a greater emphasis on vans.

Sounds stupid.

Have a good time.

Oh, then, Daddy, since Eric is going out of town, can I have his car?

Why? where are you going?

Excuse me, I was talking to Daddy.

I know. Where are you going?

Frat party. Frat party? No.

But, Daddy... Look, honey, it's up to Eric.

Really?

Well, I mean, I guess...

No!

Well, that's settled, then.

Red, what are you gonna do today?

Read the want ads, look for a job.

Then, just to break up the day, I thought I'd go down to Rexall, look for some Gold Bond for my athlete's foot.

Any more questions?

Well, oh, boy, Red, we've got the big hospital banquet to look forward to.

Oh, right. Well then...

Screw the gold bond, I gotta get my hair done.

Well, honey, I don't think it's gonna be that bad.

And... if it is, I can always give you a shot of Demerol.

You have Demerol?

I mean, what's... what's Demerol?

j& Hangin' out j& j& Down the street j& j& The same old thing j& j& We did last week j& j& Not a thing to do j& j& But talk to you j& j& We're all all right j& j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

So, Donna and I are all set for Vanstock.

Whoa. Donna can't come with us.

Why not?

Well... it's kind of complicated.

Hey, Kelso.

So what time are we leaving for Vanstock?

No. No! Yeah. Yeah!

No!

I guess you should have given me your car, Eric.

Now I'll be with you and Kelso all weekend.

How could you ask Laurie?

Well, Jackie didn't want to go.

What choice did I have?

Oh, man.

See, now you see my problem.

Since Laurie's going, I'm gonna have to make out with her.

And if Donna goes, she's gonna see me making out with Laurie and then tell Jackie, therefore, Donna can't go.

Or... you could just not make out with my sister.

Be serious, Eric.

OK, look. Donna's coming, and if that blows your weekend, then... too bad.

Fine. But you know what?

You're making cheating a lot harder than it has to be.

Kitty and I used to watch the soaps all the time.

So now, it's like you're Kitty.

Don't you have a TV at home?

It's too big.

I have to turn my head to see who's talking.

It hurts my neck.

Ooh, shh, shh. It's starting.

OK, that's Heather.

She's carrying Jeff's baby, only Jeff is in intensive care.

He's got a bullet in his brain.

Isn't he the lucky bastard.

Donna, check it out.

I've been working on this all morning, and I'm really proud.

I zipped our two sleeping bags together to make one.

Look, throw your stuff in the back.

I'm gonna go get some snacks for the road.

OK.

Oh. Hi. Donna.

So, that's the carpet.

I was just showing Laurie the carpet.

I need help with my stuff. I'm gonna give her some help with her stuff.

I hope you like tuna fish sandwiches

'cause that's all we got.

I just saw Kelso and your sister making out in the van.

Oh, no, that's, uh...

Did you know about this?

Did I? Uh, no.

No, I didn't know about this.

Hey, hi.

Donna just saw Kelso and Laurie making out.

So?

Aren't you shocked? I'm shocked, for one, to have learned about this.

Hey, guys. I decided to go.

I thought it'd be fun to surprise Michael.

That would be fun.

Um, Jackie, look, before you surprise Kelso, there's something going on that you should know.

What?

You know, Vanstock is gonna be really boring, and it's gonna be muddy, and there's a good chance there'll be some Canadians there.

Eew!

No, no, Jackie, you should go.

You can't let the Canadians win.

Fez, put my stuff in the back.

Hey, Jackie...

...you know what'd be the perfect surprise for Kelso?

We'll pull the curtains, and you hide in the back with us.

And at some point, you jump up front and yell, "surprise!"

Oh, my God, that is perfect!

Now, hop in the van before Kelso sees you.

Hurry up.

Oh, this may be the best road trip ever.

So, you want to shift?

It's an automatic.

I know.

Surprise! Aah!

Brad, how could you sleep with my wife?

You're my brother.

I'm not your brother. And I'm not Brad.

Holy cow.

I didn't see that coming.

Wait till Rachel finds out.

But Rachel's about to dump Brad for Jeff.

No! Jeff's in a coma.

Oh, come one, Midge.

She can't love a guy in a coma?

What the hell kind of love is that?

Look at this. Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso.

And what does Kelso bring? Another woman.

Fez, you should really stop going through other people's stuff.

It's kind of creepy.

So, how long do you think this whole thing has been going on?

Whoo. I... you know, I don't know.

That's anyone's guess. Right, Fez?

What? Kelso and Laurie.

See? Fez doesn't even know. I don't know...

I gue... you know, it's just... it's like...

God, this is so wrong, you know?

So what are we gonna do?

Well, I guess just let this all blow over, and then Jackie and Kelso can get married, have kids, and be really unhappy.

So... let's not this ruin our Vanstock experience, OK?

Look at this. Bubble gum lip smacker.

What a waste.

So, you kids having fun?

Nothing like a road trip to get to know each other.

Yeah. Right.

Like Jackie and Laurie.

They don't really know each other, and yet, they have so much in common.

Like what?

Oh, well, you both have really neat hair.

He's right. I love your hair.

What do you use? Hot rollers.

So do I! I hate styling wands.

So do I!

See? You two keep talking.

There may be plenty of other things that you have in common.

No! No talking.

It makes the driver nervous.

So just everybody not talk.

OK.

Let's just sing songs.

Who knows the words to Three's Company?

I do. I do.

No singing. j& Come and knock on our door j& j& Come and knock on our door j& j& We've been Waiting for you j& j& We've been waiting for you j& j& Where the kisses are hers and hers and his j& j& Three's company, too j&

Wow, man. Vanstock.

It's exactly how I pictured it.

Has anyone seen my top?

I lost my top.

Actually, it's even better than I pictured it.

Do not take the blue acid!

If you have taken the blue acid, please, report to the Red Cross tent!

Look at this debauchery.

This is the smelly underside of a once great nation.

Ooh, yum, candy apples.

Hey, man.

What do you say we help that chick find her top?

Nah. I gotta stay here with the old balls and chains.

You know, Kelso, did you ever think about being honest with them?

Maybe they won't be mad.

Maybe they'll like the idea of sharing you.

Man, that'd be great, huh?

You think they'd go for that?

'Cause that's been...

Oh, no.

You're trying to set me up, Hyde.

You never know if you don't try, man.

Are you serious?

Be serious. 'cause this is serious.

This has been a dream of mine since I was a kid and saw The Parent Trap.

There you go.

OK, we're heading off to the restroom.

OK.

Whoa, man, they're going to the restroom?

You know what girls do in the restroom, right?

Oh. I like to pretend like they don't do that.

Not that, man. They talk.

So? To each other.

Oh, my God. Girls, wait up!

What a maroon.

So, Red, this is Dr. Browning and, uh, Dr. Cloke.

So you're Kitty's husband, eh?

She's a little spitfire.

We couldn't run the ward without her.

Oh... well, you could, but everyone would die.

Oh, so, Red, what do you do?

About what?

Um, Red used to be in management at the auto parts plant.

Oh, that's great. What do you do now?

About what?

Oh, oh, my gosh, Red, look, they have an open bar.

No, he's not his brother.

He's not even Brad.

But he looks just like him.

That's the point.

You know, I don't understand why you watch if you're not gonna pay attention.

I'm sorry about Red.

He's just... He's been a tiny bit cranky since he lost his job.

Kitty, it's fine. I know, everything's fine.

He just, um, he sits around and he mopes all day.

He once told me that if he ever started watching soaps, I should shoot him.

And I gotta tell you, I am gosh-darned tempted.

Well, you know, when my wife is upset, I do something extra special for her, like surprise her with some candy.

Does red have a sweet tooth?

Um, no. No, um, more of a beer tooth.

Oh, for God's sakes, you're a nurse and you can't love a guy in a coma?

What the hell kind of a hospital is this?

Wow, look at the stars.

Yeah. Your sister's kind of a slut.

I noticed that.

How is it that she turned out so awful and you turned out so nice?

Oh, well...

You see...

OK, Donna, there's something you should know.

Oh, my God, you're pregnant.

It's nice to laugh, isn't it?

'Cause I kind of knew about Kelso and Laurie all along and didn't tell you.

Excuse me? Which was wrong.

But now I'm being honest, which is right... right?

Get out of this bag. No, wait, Donna, just...

Fine, I'll get out.

Oh, this is the worst Vanstock ever.

And now, another episode of Point Place.

My God, Kitty...

...what have I become?

I don't know.

You're not the man I married.

And I'm not Kitty.

What are you saying?

I am Kitty.

But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloke.

Or should I say...

...Eric's real father.

But why? He has a job.

What do you have, Red Forman?

What... do... you... have?

I've got nothing.

Dear God, will I ever work again?

OK, I'm back.

So... penny for your thoughts.

Well... one thing I'm thinking, I gotta stop watching the soaps.

Well, I think that is a good idea.

So, listen, um, I brought you home a special little treat.

Oh...

Ahh...

Hey... that's a nice beer.

Yes, it is.

What's the occasion?

It's, um...

...to celebrate your new job.

But, Kitty, I didn't get a job.

Not yet, but I know you will.

Thanks, sweetie.

Ahh...

Tell you one thing... I bet I get a job before Jeff gets out of that coma.

Hey. How's it going?

Well, uh... found the top, just lost the girl.

Bummer.

Yeah. What are you doing up?

Punishing Eric.

He knew all about Kelso and Laurie, didn't even tell me.

What a bastard.

Oh, like you didn't know.

Of course I knew. Everybody knew.

You're the only one who didn't know.

Shut up, Hyde, I'm mad at him.

Look, you don't rat on your friends, and that's just the way it is.

Now, I'm laying traps left and right to try and get Kelso caught, but I'm not gonna tell on him, 'cause then I'd be a rat.

And that's what Forman would have been if he had told you.

He still should've told me.

Give him a break, Donna.

I mean, the guy kisses your ass.

He does everything for you, and you're not even sleeping with him.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

You're lucky he even talks to you.

In fact, I would've dumped you months ago.

But, you know, I'm old-fashioned, so...

OK, Hyde, thanks for the heart-to-heart.

Ah, get bent.

All right, well, I'm off to find the jugs that fit this top.

Like Cinderella.

Excuse me, miss?

Yeah, who is it?

It's me.

Hey, Jackie... Laurie...

Fez.

Good evening, Michael.

Well, aren't we all cozy?

Hm. So, where am I gonna sleep?

Uh, gee, Kelso, I don't think there's any room.

But it's my van.

I can sleep with you anytime.

Tonight, I'm really enjoying girl talk with Laurie.

Then why does he get to stay?

Well, I'm not a girl, but I do enjoy the girl talk.

Get out of the van, Fez!

No, be nice to Fez. Go away, Michael.

Shut the door.

Aah!

Hey, move over.

You're not mad at me anymore?

Nope.

So... what are you thinking?

That Kelso's an idiot, and if I say anything to Jackie, it'll hurt her.

Yes, exactly.

And you know what else?

You're, like, a really great boyfriend.

All right!

Whoa. All right.

Thank God I found you guys. I'm freezing. Scoot over.

What? Kelso, no!

Wow, this is a roomy bag, huh?

Sorry if I'm a little wet.

What the hell is that smell?

Oh, I found these two dogs, and we started wrestling.

They were so cool.

All right, good night.

No, Kelso, get out!

Get out! You smell like a dog.

You smell. Get out.

Well, where am I supposed to sleep?

No one cares.

Fine!

OK, this is nice.

Will Red get a job?

Will Jackie ever find out about Kelso and Laurie?

Will we ever find out where Fez is from?

Will Hyde ever find his topless Cinderella?

And what ever happened to Midge's daughter Tina?

Will Eric and Donna ever consummate their illicit teenage love?

And what about Chuck and Bob?

Oh, wait, they aren't on this show.

See, I told you we weren't on this show.

Oh, shut up, Bob.

Confused?

You won't be after the next episode of...

That '70s Show.