That '70s Show S2E7 Script

I Love Cake (1999)

Oh, my God.

Did you hear that?

It sounds like a bloody hook scraping against the back door.

What's... What's wrong? You're like a million miles away.

I don't know. It's just that my parents are fighting like, all the time.

It just makes me so mad.

Like I want to kick their asses, but I can't.

But I want to do something.


Take me, Donna.


Go ahead. Take me.

Punish your parents by using me for sex.

Do your business and be done with it. Go ahead. Don't be shy.

I can take it.

But... God, do be gentle.

You didn't actually think that was gonna work, did you?

No, but I'm a virgin, and it's driving me crazy.

But that's not your fault... No, wait. Yes, it is.

How do you do that?

Do what?

You always make me feel better.

Uh... Well, thank you.

I love you, Eric.

I love cake.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Morning, Bob.

Morning, Red.

Probably wondering why I'm in your car, huh?


Just get out and have a nice day.

Midgie and I got into a fight, Red, and I walked out.

Guess that'll teach her, right?

Well, you're the one sleeping in the car, Bob.

Right. Well, that's 'cause when I stormed out, I sort of forgot some stuff.

You know, keys, wallet, blow dryer.

All I need now is a place to stay.

Maybe with some friends.

Well, uh...

We don't, uh, have a blow dryer, Bob.

Laurie's got a blow dryer.

I know 'cause she's got that Farrah Fawcett hairdo.

That's not natural.

You... You know, I wouldn't even need my own room.

Just a little corner to sleep in.

Oh, cripes.


Oh, thanks, Red.

You're my best friend.

No, I'm not.

Do you think when girls have sleepovers, sometimes, they, they play games and giggle, and then, every once in a while, they start to make out all together in a big naked heap?

I sure hope so. Me, too.

May I have your attention, please?

I would like to introduce to you all, the new Michael Kelso!


So, huh, what do you think?

Yeah. Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones.

Yeah. I'm so Brando.

Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.

What are you even saying?

Jackie, did you dress me up like The Fonz?

No, Michael, I did not dress you up like The Fonz.

Although, I mean, I like The Fonz.

I think, he's, you know, kind of... Fez!

Fonz? Yes or no?

Well, you know me, Kelso.

I just want you to be happy.

Thank you, Fez.

Now, if I could just have a moment of your time.


Good, yes.

Okay, a gang of toughs has taken over Arnold's.

Help us, Fonzie. You're our only hope!

I can't believe you guys.

Here I am as Brando as can be, and you guys can't even see that.

Well, you can both just...

Sit on it?


Why is Bob in my bathtub?

You told me you sent him home.

That's what you said, "He went home."

He did go home...

And then Midge kicked him out.

But he went home.

Well, now he's back.

Red, he's in my bathtub.

I can't have him in my bathtub.

His Afro gel is gonna leave a ring.

This isn't easy on me, either, Kitty.

He tried to talk to me about his feelings.

He almost started to cry.

I really wanted to punch him!

Bob can't stay here, Red.

I know that makes me a bad person.

I don't care. I'm bad, so let's just get him out of here!

Well, then go talk to Midge and fix it up.

You let the stray in.

You find him a home.

It's not that simple, Kitty.

Do you want me to go to my unhappy place, Red?

I'll talk to Midge first thing in the morning.

Thank you, Red. You're a wonderful husband.

Now, when you're done with the paper, you get upstairs and scrub my tub.

Okay. You're done!

I won't do it.

Well, I won't, either.

Well, I don't know what the hell we're gonna do.

Ah, Kelso, it was brave of you to come back.

We gave you quite a ribbing.


Except for this time, I brought a hot, fresh pizza.

But it's only for my friends who don't make fun of me.

Mmm! Pizza!

Kelso, man, I got 1,000 insults, and no pizza's gonna make...

Is that sausage?

You brilliant bastard!

Guys, let me ask you something.

Donna told me she loves me, and then I told her, "I love cake."

That's not bad, is it?

I'm still cool, right?

Okay. I don't know what happened.

I just panicked, and it popped out.

I mean, I don't remember wanting to ever talk about cake.

I wasn't really that hungry.

Cake is good, but you cannot have sex with cake.

Of course, you cannot have sex with Donna, either, so...

Yeah, man.

You should've just lied and told her that you loved her.

"I love you, baby."

See? And I don't love you. Isn't that great?

He does love her, you dope.


Okay. Well, if I admit it, are you guys gonna make fun of me?

Oh, Eric. Love is not a joke.

This is a joke, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Look, if you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man.

You gotta dump her and live free!

Don't listen to him, man. He's stupid.

Here's what you gotta do, she said it, so now you gotta say it.

Then she'll say it back, and everything will be okay.

Oh, and get her pizza.

'Cause right now I kinda love Kelso.

Yeah, I can do that.

I'll just say it, and I'll be back on top again. All right.

So now, uh...

Where was I when Fonzie here moved to town?


Give that backamundo!


Eric, are you okay?

What? Yeah.

You look like you have a stomachache or something.


There's nothing wrong with my stomach.

It's just that...

I love you...


And then he punched me in the arm and said, "Man!"

Oh, my God.

What a horrible disaster.

Well, go on!

I guess I, like, totally screwed things up.

'Cause ever since I said, "I love you," he's been acting so weird.

Okay, wait a second. I'm a little confused.

Why did you say, "I love you"?

Because I love him?

Oh! Donna, that's got nothing to do with it!

You are way too young to be saying, "I love you."

Shut up, Jackie. You say it to Kelso all the time, and you're, like, younger than me.

Not in love years.

All right, look, Eric doesn't know how to handle that kind of thing.

You probably just scared him off.

All you can do right now is play it cool for a while, turn down the emotional heat, and, Donna, God willing, he'll forget you threw yourself at him.

I know it sounds impossible, but what you just said actually makes sense.

Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be.

Oh. Hi, Red.

Sorry I can't open the door, but I don't want Bob sneaking back in the house again.


That's okay. I just came by to see how you're doing.

Oh, I'm working through some things.

Gotten past denial and I'm well on my way to acceptance...

Yeah, yeah. Couldn't agree with you more. Anyway...

Take Bob back.

Red, I can't do that right now.

Midge, I've talked to Bob, and he's really sorry.

Now, be a sport and take him back. I can't.

Take him back, Midge! No!

Take him! No!

This isn't over, Pinciotti!

Hey, Donna, check it out.

Hey, Kelso!


Where'd it go?

Um... Perhaps it went under the couch.

Jackie, let's get out of here. This is kinda lame.

Yeah, sure.

Wait! Donna...

So will I see you later?


No. You're never gonna see me again.


She's a little pistol, huh?

What did you do?

Nothing! I did what you said.

I told her I loved her.

You're lying.

No, it's true, except...


And I might've, you know...

Popped her one on the shoulder and called her, "Man."

You idiot.

Hey, this isn't my fault.

It's your fault! You said if I told her I loved her, she'd say it back, but she didn't, man. She just stared at me.

Well, did you give her a chance to answer?

How long did you wait before you completely muffed out?

Forever, man.

Like, five minutes.

You're lying!

No. It's true. It was like...

Well, maybe just a couple seconds, but I...

Time ceased to exist, okay?

I was just hangin' out there, really far out there. Just...


Eric contributes in class, but does not follow directions.

Damn! Where the heck is that fudgsicle!


Is that my fudgsicle?

No. This one's mine.

Damn it. Where's my fudgsicle?

Just tell me. How am I supposed to fix this?

Well, first of all...

You need to learn how to handle a little woman troubles without getting all freaked out.

It's pretty unmanly, man.


That's it! I hate this stupid thing!

Laurie laughing at me.

But, Kelso, I thought we were supposed to handle our woman troubles "like a man"?

You shut up. Okay.

You just shut up!

And if anybody else here laughs at me, I swear I'm gonna kick so much ass!

And that's my fudgsicle.

I'm telling you, man, that jacket's the best thing ever happened to us.

I can't do it now, Kitty. He's sleeping.


Oh, Bob, you're awake.


Let's see. It was, uh...

It was a no-go with Midge.

She doesn't wanna see you.

Boy, that's a shame, Red.

Guess it's you and me, buddy.

Well, that's a problem.

I like you, Bob.

You don't borrow my things, you keep your lawn mowed.

But the fact of the matter is, you're a little bit...

You're kind of a...

You're an ass.


Well, it's not your fault.

Well we gotta stop pussyfooting' around here and somehow get you back in that house.


Oh. It's you.

I'm not taking him back, Red. No, no, no, no.

I'm just gonna trim a few of these branches for you.



Midge, I'm trapped under this very heavy branch!

Help! Oh, my God! Red!

Are you hurt?

Go, Bob, go!

I'm in! Oh!

Red, that was not nice.

I'm not sorry, Midge.

Great shot.

And I love you.

Well, the basket doesn't really count because I traveled.

You could never travel...

Because I love you.

Eric, you're acting like a huge dork.

A huge dork who loves you. God!

God! Stop it! Our...

Look, the only reason I said it is because I felt it and not just so you'd say it back.

And if I knew you were gonna get in such a twist about it, I wouldn't have said it at all.

I'm not in a twist. It's just...

"Cake." Okay, that was pretty stupid. Yes!

Thank you.

So, I mean, why'd you say it?

I don't know. I just...


Once it is out there, if we broke up, I mean...

You know, what would I tell myself, then?

I guess you could tell yourself you still have cake.

We both know how much it means to you.

That's nice. There's a sweet girl.

Okay, look, I have an idea.

Why don't we just pretend it never happened?

I like that. Now.


Never happened. Okay.


And you did travel, so my ball.


Hi, you two.

Thought you might wanna know.

Midge and I worked things out.

Well, that's just great, Bob.

Yeah. We're separating.

You can't stay with us.

No. I'll be staying at home.

We're gonna live together.

We're just gonna see other people.

Okay, Bob, I want you to think about this.

You're living in the same house, but you're dating other people.

I'm not saying for sure there'll be problems,

but I want you to think about it.

Think hard, Bob.

I think it's gonna be sexy.

Oh, Hyde.

What a fabulous look for you.

Seriously. You look like Marlon Brando or something.

Oh, my God.

Hyde, when did you get so hot?


I've always been hot. Jacket just brings it out.


No! Give it to me! Give me back my jacket!

What are you doing?

Get off me, you load!

So, they're really gonna separate?

Yeah, but they're still gonna live together.

Oh. Wow.

Are... Are you okay?

Yeah, but, I mean, that's just like the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I mean, how's that supposed to work?

Well, I imagine it'll be like when Gilligan and the Skipper had a fight, and they drew a chalk line down the center of their hut. That worked out great.

Yeah. That solved all their problems. Yeah.

I love you.

I love you, too.

All right, then.

You going to clean the bathtub?

Yes, I am.

No. It's just too horrible.

I can't let you do that, Kitty.

Thank you, honey.

You're welcome, Kitty.

Eric, got a little job for you!