That '70s Show S2E9 Script

Eric Gets Suspended (1999)

Hey, check it out. I got an "F" on my report card.

An "F"? What'd you fail?

English.

Isn't that what we speak?

Hey, I got a "B" in Spanish.

When did I start taking Spanish?

Whoa.

Donna, that's a cigarette.

Even worse, it's a menthol.

You're gonna get suspended, little lady.

When did you start smoking?

What? You just saw me light it.

That's ha, ha, ha. Come on, Donna.

You know smoking causes cancer.

I know, but it makes me look cool, so it's an even trade.

Hold this?

Oh, jeez, Forman, hold it like a man, would ya?

Shut up!

Wow, Donna, first you fail English, now you're smoking?

Can I ask you what, what are you doing?

Smoking. Failing.

Hey, Forman.

Smoking on school property?

No, that's not his. That's mine.

No, it's, uh...

It's mine.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Menthol.

Eric, quit it.

Yeah, ok. Let's go, Forman.

Dios mio.

No es bueno.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Eric Forman's first suspension.

I'm so proud.

No way. Back up. Why'd he get suspended?

Because he's stupid.

They can do that?

No.

He told them it was his cigarette, and that's stupid.

Please, Donna, stop.

Don't fall all over yourself thanking me.

I didn't need your help.

Yeah, Forman.

I think she wants to get in trouble.

It's Donna's little cry for help.

Help me! Help me!

We hear you, Donna, and we love you.

Get bent. You guys are jerks.

Wait. Why am I a jerk?

I don't even know what's going on.

This is great.

Why'd I even take the fall? I mean, Donna doesn't care.

And, you know, Red's gonna kill me.

Relax, Forman, he's not gonna...

Oh, wait. Did you say kill you?

Yeah, you're right.

Hyde, this isn't funny. On Red's list of screw-ups, getting suspended from school is right up there with backing over my mom.

Hey, man. Having a chick is about sacrifice.

Like Jackie. She wants to decorate my van with some of her girly stuff, right?

So I tell her she can have one stuffed animal.

In the glove box.

See? Sacrifice.

Kelso, remember how you used to put your whole fist in your mouth? Yeah.

Do it now.

Damn, why is everybody so crabby today?

What's in the suitcase?

Stuffed animals for the van, remember?

Look, Michael, I know we agreed on just one, but then I got to thinking, and well, I want them all.

But... But what Michael?

But...

Okay.

Oh, ease up on her, Kelso.

You know, sacrifice is hard.

So, my host parents set me up on a blind date, and she has a friend for you, Hyde.

Finally. Somebody to love.

And it gets better.

They're not even blind.

Get it? Blind.

Screw you. That's funny.

Oh, hi, honey.

Your mom and I are going out tonight.

It's happy hour at Swingles.

What's Swingles?

It's a singles' bar.

No, it's a swingers' bar.

Yeah, it's both.

And you're neither.

Don't get involved, Donna. This is grown-up stuff.

Well, before you go, there's my report card.

An "F"?

Donna, we're very disappointed, and we're gonna have a long talk about this.

Yes, we are.

Right after happy hour.

Provided we don't meet anyone.

All right.

I've learned my lesson, and I'll be sure to try harder.

There's our girl.

Ooh, wish us luck.

Welcome home, smoker.

Oh, no.

The school just called.

You're lucky I answered the phone and not Dad.

You didn't tell?

Eric, of course I didn't tell.

Well...

If it isn't Mr. Smoker.

Oh, wait. Yes, I did.

I'm nervous.

Don't be nervous. You'll get sweaty.

Oh, no. Too late.

I can't help it. This is my first official American date.

That's why I'm here, Fez.

To help you out, man.

Unless they're uggos, and then I'm gone.

There they are, and they're not even uggos.

No, they're hot.

And the blonde's blonde and hot.

Yes, and since I set us up on this date, she's mine, right?

Well, I can see why you'd think that, but actually, since I came along to help you out, American custom dictates that I get the blonde.

Once again, the local custom bones the foreign guy.

America, man.

Love it or leave it.

This, this is Chamomile the camel.

He can sit in the backseat, but llama Cass here, she has to sit up in the front with us.

Well, Jackie, uh, it's just...

I thought all you wanted was to put in one little animal.

Well, I know, Michael, but this way there'll be even more things to remind you of me.

Don't you like thinking about me?

No, of course I do.

Uh, the thing is...

How can I say this without hurting your feelings?

Oh. Okay.

I don't want your stupid things in my cool van.

Oh! What?

No! I didn't say you were stupid.

Just everything you like!

Congratulations, Eric. You got suspended.

Are you getting dumber?

Gee, I don't think so.

Look, Dad, I don't smoke.

Daddy, if Eric's a smoker, and he lies about smoking, doesn't that make him a smoking liar?

Okay, you know what? That's enough.

Eric, have some more pot roast. Here.

Here's some mashed potatoes, and here's a photo of a cancerous lung.

Whoa!

Mom, gross!

Look, I don't smoke!

Okay, well, either way, that is what's gonna happen to your lungs if you keep on smoking.

Well, the way he's screwing up his life, death will be a sweet release.

So I got that to look forward to.

You got suspended, pal.

How do you think your college interviews are gonna go?

Well, looks like we have a model student here.

Excellent grades, secretary-treasurer of the AV Club.

Uh-oh, what's this?

You were suspended?

Yes, sir, for smoking.

Well, we can't have a loser like you at our school.

I'm sorry to say, you're not Princeton material, dumb-ass.

Oh, if only I'd listened to my mother.

Sorry.

What a lesson I have learned.

Can I go? Sure.

Right after you smoke this entire pack of cigarettes.

Yay, Daddy!

Ooh, tear off the filters.

Dad, you can't be serious.

Have I ever not been serious?

Dad, I'm telling you the truth.

Okay, you have to take my word for it.

I don't smoke.

Your word, huh?

It's all a man has.

Well, now that's nice.

What a load of crap. Light up!

Hey.

I heard Eric got suspended.

Yeah, and we're all real proud.

I'll tell you what, Red.

I think Donna's been having trouble because Eric's a bad influence.

Could be.

But did you ever think the way you and Midge act like idiots, that might be screwing her up?

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's Eric.

Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.

Well, I guess the truth hurts.

So does a swift kick in the ass.

All right. I'm going.

But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman.

I gotta disagree, Bob.

Gee, Dad. Thanks. Keep sweeping, smoker.

Will do.

Jackie, get in the van!

No!

Jackie, get in the van! No!

Get in the van. No!

Jackie... No!

Jackie, get in the van!

Hey. Hi.

So, what you wanna do? You wanna watch some TV, eat some ice cream or, I don't know, apologize to me?

I'm sorry. Well, you should be.

Okay. I'm sorry. I was expecting more of a fight.

Did you get in a lot of trouble for the cigarette?

Uh, surprisingly, yes.

Turns out, Red has a temper, so...

Really? Yeah.

And, uh, your dad doesn't like me anymore.

That's okay, 'cause I do.

What's he doing here?

Who?

Maybe you should get off me so I could, like, run away.

You better get out of here.

Okay, fine. I'll get out of here.

Actually, I think he was talking to me.

Come on.

Okay. Uh, boy, this is awkward with Donna and the yelling and the...

So then my pastor said it's okay to get a "B" every once in a while.

Nobody's perfect, except...

You know who.

You know, it's just so refreshing to meet someone whose beliefs are the complete opposite of mine.

I know. Well, I'm Episcopalian, and my best friend's Presbyterian, but, we're still best friends.

It's hard work, but it's worth it.

I bet you make really good punch, huh?

Oh, my gosh.

The best.

Yeah, I mean, these teachers think they deserve our respect, but they don't.

I mean, who are they to teach us about history and math?

I, too, am filled with rebellious sexual tension.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like Malcolm X said, "By any means necessary," right?

You like Malcolm X?

Hey, who doesn't like Malcolm X, huh?

You've heard of Malcolm X in Panama?

Oh, no. I'm not from Panama. I'm from...

Hey, Fez, come here.

American custom be damned.

I want you to have the blonde.

Oh, my God.

Blondes are notorious whores.

Thank you, Hyde.

Not a problem.

Hi.

Bye.

Come on, Jackie. Just get in the van.

No.

Jackie, just get in the van. No.

Jackie. No.

Get in the... No.

Jackie. No!

Jackie, get in the van!

No.

All right.

I'm just gonna leave now.

Bye.

Aw, damn it, Jackie, get in the van!

Nope.

I heard G-11.

So, naturally I yelled out "Bingo!"

Boy, was the pastor cheesed at me.

Great story.

So you are a blonde?

Yeah. Natural.

I can't believe you like all the same bands that I like.

Yeah. I just like music that's passionate and rebellious and really pisses off my dad.

Oh, Patty, don't say piss.

Oh!

Hey, you know what'd really piss off your dad?

You and me grab a 12-pack and stay out all night.

Oh, I can't. I have a big test tomorrow.

That's funny.

Let's go.

No, really. I've gotta go study.

Study?

You don't study. You've got a tattoo.

Look, Hyde, rebellion is cool and all, but I want to get into a good college so I can fight the system from the inside.

It was nice meeting you, though. Mary?

Oh, no. Go ahead without me.

So, Fez, um, my parents aren't home.

Wanna come back to my house? I have a hot tub.

That would be super.

Donna, is it me, or...

Does your dad hating me make me even more sexy?

Sure.

Yeah, I think he senses my bad-boyness.

Yeah, Eric, you're a parent's worst nightmare.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Mom, what are you doing?

Nothing.

And you, you just...

You do as I say, not as I do.

Oh, hey, Mom, cool.

Give me a drag.

Okay, see? Now Laurie is doing as I do.

That is wrong.

What's going on out here?

Eric, are you smoking again?

I think he is, Daddy.

No, he is not.

I don't smoke!

I think this might be my fault.

I think he is, he's just imitating me so he can look cool.

Mr. and Mrs. Forman, Eric got caught holding my cigarette at school.

I'm the one who was smoking.

Oh?

Well, Donna, thank you for your honesty.

What?

You... How come you believe her?

I told you I don't smoke.

Okay. I'm gonna go home now, so, uh, good night.

Eric's not in trouble now?

Fine!

Well, now.

I think you have something to say to Eric.

Oh, yeah, uh...

Nice job on the driveway.

Red.

Okay. Just...

Okay. I'm gonna say I'm sorry, but, you know, you do lie a lot.

What have I lied about?

You've lied about the beer keg, the dent in the Vista Cruiser.

You lied when you said you weren't taking the car out of town.

Wait. You knew about that?

I do now. Oh!

Ha!

We're even.

Oh, Dad, you've gotta be kidding me.

Okay.

I'm sorry I made you smoke all those cigarettes.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's okay.

Actually, I kind of liked 'em.

Watch it.

No, no. I bet they'd go great with beer.

So does a swift kick in the ass.

Jackie, get in the van!

No.

All right, fine. I give up!

I give up!

You can keep your stuffed animals in the van.

Do you really mean it?

Yeah.

But just one.

Five. Two.

Four. Three.

Deal.

Oh!

Five.

All right, five.

Six. Fine!

So, you have me in your tub.

If you are trying to send a sexy message, then message received.

Well, Fez...

I know we made out in my parents' bedroom, and I know we frenched in the pool house, and I know that may seem romantic to some people...

Tell me something I don't know.

I have a boyfriend.

See? That I did not know.

Fez, I really like you, but he's in college, and we're still faithful.

I see.

You know, there are many ways to remain faithful yet still have fun.

Really?

Oh, yes.

Ah...

That's much better.

Hey. Hey.

So...

I told Bob and Midge that it was my cigarette.

And how'd that go?

Really good. They grounded me.

Cool. Ha, ha.

So what are you doing over here?

Snuck out.

Being grounded makes it so much naughtier.

You know, Donna, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents.

I mean, for instance, a lot of girls, when they're having a bad time at home, just go slutty.

You know what, Eric?

You're right.

Let's have sex right now.

Really? No.

Stop doing that!

Michael, get in the van. No!

Michael, get in the van. No!

Get in the van! No.

Michael! No.

Get in the van. No!

Fine.

Hey!

No, wait! Jackie!

Jackie, it's my van!

Jackie!