That '70s Show S3E1 Script

Reefer Madness (2000)

Man, who'd have thought.

Hyde getting busted for possession?

I mean, I always thought it'd be armed robbery or pimping.

You know, something cool.

Yeah, Hyde in jail.

Hey, guys, you think he's anyone's girlfriend yet?

Kelso, he's been in jail for three hours.

Of course he's someone's girlfriend.

He has very pretty eyes.

Well, if he was someone's girlfriend, I think it might look a little something like this.

Yeah. Heh heh.

Hey there, Curly Q, would you like to perform an unspeakable act on me, or would you prefer that I perform one on you?

Well, they both sound good.

Dealer's choice.

You have done a horrible thing with a children's toy.


Huh. Bet you didn't want me to see this, did ya?

Hey, welcome back, man.

We were worried about...

I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm so sorry.

Yeah, uh... you know...

Curly Q. Is... can be...

Is a term of endearment.

So, when do we meet your new fella?

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Red... No.

We really need to talk about Steven.

No, I don't wanna talk about Steven!

Subject closed.


For God's sakes, Kitty.

We took him into our home.

We treated him like our own son.

Treat him better than your own son.

I'll tell you one thing...

I'm not bailin' him out.

He can rot in that jail, for all I care.

Actually, they already let him out. Gave him probation.


Well, isn't that just ducky?

You know how they treat their criminals in Russia?

First offense...

Five years in Siberia.

Second offense, 10 years.

Believe you me, there is no third offense.

Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.

Hey, Steven brought that stuff into my house.

And I'm putting a stop to it before things get out of control.

Out of control how?

Well, I'll tell you how.

Say, chum, where ya headed?

Just to see my best girl Donna, that's where.

We're gonna split a soda pop.

It'll be keen.

Soda pop, eh?

I have something that's even keener than soda pop.

It's called marijuana.


Come, I'll show you.

Hyde, you were right.

Marijuana is the bee's knees.

Yep. All it takes is one puff to make you hopelessly addicted.

I am hopelessly addicted.

Here's a new shipment, fresh from whatever the hell country I am from.

Gee willickers, Eric.

Where have you been?

You missed choir practice.

Sorry, doll face, but now, thanks to marijuana, I'm incurably insane.

Well, I'm not gonna let a swell kid like you ruin your life.

Not so fast, sister.

I need that for the schoolchildren.



Marijuana has ended my young, promising life.

This is what's happening all over America.

And it could happen in your home. Or yours.

Or yours.

I just don't think that's going to happen, Red.

Has Hyde ever pressured you to use this stuff?

No, absolutely not.

In fact, yeah, I can honestly say I have never felt any pressure.

Guess who.

It's either Jackie or the cold, clammy hands of death.

It's... Jackie.

Damn it.

Oh, Steven, my hero.

When that cop found my bag and you said it was yours and then they sent you to the big house, it was, like, the most romantic thing ever.

Yeah. Maybe for you.

I was deloused.

Hey, man, you missed your shift at the Fotohut.

You better have a damn good excuse.

I got busted.

Damn, that's a good excuse.

So what'd they get you for?

For loving me.

Oh, 'cause she's, like, 14?

I got busted for possession.

Oh, man, join the club.

Yeah, thanks.

No, I mean join the club. We meet every Thursday.

We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.

Hey there, Red.

Taking out the trash, I see.


Yeah, well, better late than never.

Is that supposed to mean something, Bob?


Just happened to notice that that lowlife Hyde you've been harboring has been busted for possession.

My gosh, that stuff was right here in our own neighborhood?

And to think of all the times we have to drive across town...

Ix-nay, Midge.

Well, as you all know, we had a little incident yesterday.

And I think that as a family, we should discuss rational solutions to make sure that this never happens again.

Can I start?

Um, I'm not comfortable living with a criminal.

I think we should kick Hyde out.

All in favor?

Laurie, stop it. Red, what do you think?

Kick him out, kick him out, kick him out!

Laurie, there is no way we're kicking Steven out.


We're kicking you out.

Yay, Daddy.


Dad, that's not fair.

Not fair?

I took him in, I gave him a shot, he blew it. It's his fault.

Look, I don't want it in my house.

I don't want it around you two. I just... don't... want it.


Putting him out on the street is not the solution.

This young man needs our guidance now more than ever.

No, Mrs. Forman, it's cool.

If Red thinks that I'm not good enough to live in this house, then I guess I'm not.

You know what?

You're... you're bull...

I... I'm... you're very...

I'm... I'm very mad at you!

God, this sucks.

I can't believe Red's kicking you out.

I mean, I'm sorry. Where you supposed to go?

I'm gonna go to the Fotohut.

I'll sleep on the floor. We got a hose out back.

Mrs. Forman made me a sandwich.

Man, this is so wrong.

Look, I'm not gonna let you get kicked out for something that we all do.

Hey, hey, don't go dragging me into this.

You know what?

I'm gonna tell Red that I do it, too.


Have you suddenly become the stupidest man ever?

I mean, is Kelso no longer the reigning king?

Oh, I'm the king.

This can work. If I tell Red, then he's gonna be a hypocrite for kicking you out and not making me go with him.

Because, I mean, he can't kick me out because you know, deep down, he loves me.

Look, Forman, I appreciate what you're trying to do, you know, but you getting into trouble is not gonna help me get out of trouble, okay?


Okay. Okay.

Everybody just stop worrying, all right? I'll be fine.

Yes, it will be good for you in the Fotohut.

Maybe you will develop some character.

Get it? Develop?

Oh, fine. I guess I'm not funny.

Kiss my brown ass.

Okay, here's your tea, Leo.

Oh, wow, tea, man.

That's, like, exotic.

Heh-heh. Hey, look at me, I'm the king of England.

Off with her head.

Tea. Heh-heh.

Well, um, I think it's great that Steven has a boss who cares enough to come over and talk to us on his behalf.

So, um, I'm just gonna let you fellas get to know each other.

Sit up straight.

Hey, man, I don't think you should kick Hyde out because he's a good kid.

He's a doper.

You say that like it's a bad thing, man.

Hey, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I've indulged once or twice myself.


I'm shocked.

Yeah, I know. Upstanding businessman.

Last guy you'd expect.

But it's true, man.

Well, Mr. Hippie...

If you say so, well, that's good enough for me.

Aw, that's great, man.

Now, please, get out of my house.

Okay, what are you writing? "Jackie and Steven Hyde.

"Mrs. Jackie Hyde.

"Dr. and Mrs. Steven Hyde?"

All right, what's going on?

Okay, Donna, Steven and I are in love.

Um, you do know that he once compared you to a tick, right?

Oh, really? Well, if he thinks I'm such a tick, then why'd he tell the cops the bag was his when it was actually mine?

Are you telling me that bag was yours?

Yeah. He went to jail for it.

Isn't that fabulous?

Oh, my God. You... tick.

You're the reason this whole mess happened.

Oh, Donna, stop. My head is... whoo!

Jackie, you have to tell the Formans what happened.

Do you know that Red is kicking Hyde out?

Oh, god, no, no, Donna, that's perfect.

When Hyde is on the streets, he'll have to turn to me, and as I care for him and buy him stuff, his love for me will grow.

Oh, my God. Fine, I'm telling them.

No, no, no. You cannot ruin this for me, you... moose.

Don't tell me what to do, Midget.


Well, well, turns out you were all wrong about Steven, and you wanted to kick him out.

Yes. Well, thanks for telling us the truth, Donna.

And we know it wasn't easy for you, especially with Jackie choking you the whole time.

Uh, Steven, wait.

You can stay.


Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's it? Isn't there anything else you would like to say to this brave and noble young man?

You're right, Kitty.

Dumb ass!

Do you realize that you put your entire future at risk?

What kind of a moron would go and take the fall...

Crying and crying and crying.

And when she's upset...

And the next thing you know, I'm upset.

I had to have tea with that greasy old hippie.

Now I have hippie stink on my couch.

Let me tell you something else.

If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.

And we love you.

So, uh, just so I'm clear, everything's back to normal, right?

Yeah, yeah, everything's back...

All right, Dad, I've got something to say.

Eric, for the love of God, don't.

Dad, I do it, too.

That's right. So you can't kick Hyde out.

Honey... we already decided not to kick Hyde out.




So, you do it, too, huh?

Since when?

Since... when?


I am so baked.

I think.

No, yeah, I am. I think.

You know, guys, I've been living my life all wrong.

All I ever thought about was school.

Studying, reading, homework.

Well, that's over.

Thanks, Hyde.

Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom.

If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.

You have the best mom ever.

Hey, guys, you know what?

Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob.

It was beautiful.


Squishy. Hey, guys, I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher, and when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed.

Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die.

Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?

Yeah. No, I meant my Spanish teacher.

She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?

Hey, guys, I'm having the best time ever.

I think. No, yeah, I am.



Are you on it right now?

I asked you a question.

Since when have you been using this?

Uh... about a week ago tomorrow.

Um... what?

Yeah, coming, Mom.

Okay. Okay, now.

You're both smart boys.

What were you thinking?

Well... I... I'm not...

Oh, oh. Um...

The problem was that we weren't thinking.

We weren't thinking.

And, you know, with the times...

Yeah, the times were, like...

And, uh...

Peer pressure?

And the peer pressure. Thank you, Mom.


And, you know, I found that today, uh...

You know, the need to experiment...

Oh, don't try this blaming society crap with me.

You know whose fault this is? Do you?

Do you?

Well, I have a pretty good idea.

It's mine.

Oh. All right. Okay.

The problem is...

I've been too lenient.

So, from now on, no more easy-going, devil-may-care, everybody's-best-friend dad.

I'm just... I'm so very nervous.

I'm cracking down.

And I'm cracking down hard.

Starting right now, fun time is over.

So where was I for fun time?

Take it back!

No, Kelso. I'm sorry.

Confessing to Red makes Eric the king.

Hey, I shot my toe with a BB gun once.

You're right, Kelso, you're the king.

Thank you!

I mean, when I say, "For the love of God, don't," then for the love of God, don't.

Donna, that could've meant anything.

Okay, I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake.

All right, excuse me, but I think we've all lost sight of what's really important here... We're in love.

All right, you know what?

Enough of your girlie fantasy crap.

None of this would've happened if it wasn't for you.

So get this through your little Easy-Bake-Oven head...

I don't love you.

I don't like you.

I can barely stand to look at you, okay?

Oh, Steven, you're such a bad liar.

All right. Well, don't mind me.

I'm just here to install this smoke detector.

Smoke detector?

Does that detect any kind of smoke?

Long live the king.

Hey, guys, look what I found in my sister Laurie's drawer.

Mints. A whole month's worth.

They're not minty.

They're not mints.

They're birth control pills, you headgear-wearing moron.

Hey, when I grow up, I'm gonna be handsome.

Really? Did your mommy tell you that?


Kelso, you're the king.