That '70s Show S3E10 Script

Ice Shack (2001)


Okay. Now that we're all in the van, and you guys can't change your mind, I just want you to know that we're not exactly on the way to my uncle's fabulous cabin in the woods.

It's really more of an ice shack.

Did you say "ice shack"?


Yeah. Oh, and the hot tub, it's really more of a garbage can.

But it's also the bathroom, so...

Kelso, turn this van around. No, Donna, wait.

Is there beer? Tons.

Hey, and we don't even need a refrigerator 'cause it's so freaking cold.

Paradise. Yeah.

Oh, and before we pick up Jackie, I just want to make sure everybody knows what this trip is about.

The fabulous hot-tub toilet?

No. Eric, tell her about my master plan.

Oh, yeah. See, Kelso, when you start a sentence with the words "master plan,"

I just kind of know it's gonna be stupid, so I just naturally tune out.

Okay, well, my master plan is...

Eric! Pay attention!

This is about a romantic double date.

It's you and Donna and me and Jackie.

Kelso, you do know you're not actually dating Jackie, right?

That's why it's a secret double date.

See, I told Jackie that the whole gang was coming, but then I didn't invite Hyde, and especially not Fez, 'cause he's all over Jackie.

Look, I'm not doing this. Turn this van around.

No. I need you guys. See, if you're there...

You guys are, like, the perfect couple.

And if you're there, then I can just copy all the sissy, loser things that Eric does for you.

I really do enjoy your sissy, loser things.

Yeah, like when I had first dibs on that seat but I took the hump.

So, it's a small price to pay to keep my lady happy.

Exactly! I want to be that dork.

Kelso, why are you speeding up? I gotta beat this light.

Why? I just... I gotta!

Damn it!

What are you doing?

I've been chasing you for six blocks.

I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't see you.

Yeah, nice try. I know all about your master plan.

Now, drive, you sneaky son of a bitch.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

You brought me to an outhouse?

Actually, Jackie, that's the outhouse.

No. No, it's an ice shack for fishing.

This is gonna be a blast.

I mean, it is so beautiful out here.

Plus, I brought lotion.

It's kind of cold.

Oh, here, take my jacket.

I love you.

God, we are such the perfect couple.

I'm cold, too.

Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather.

Here, Jackie, take my coat.

Oh, thanks, Fez!

So, sweetie, what do you want to do?

Whatever you want to do, honey.

I want to go inside. That's what I want to do, too.

Oh, my God! Let's go.

Hey, what the hell was that jacket business, man?

You're making me look bad.

Look, Kelso, you are my good, good friend, but I will stop at nothing to win Jackie.

And if you're in my way, I will destroy you.

This is nice, you coming home for lunch. Yeah.

Good afternoon, sunshine.

So, what have you got planned for today?

Same as every day.

Lie on the couch, do my nails, avoid talking to you.

It's not going that well, so far.

Red, that girl does nothing but party all night and sleep all day.

She's gonna end up like Aunt Martha.

Remember the beer gut on her?

She's not gonna end up like Fat Martha.

Poor woman got so large she couldn't play Putt-Putt.

Jeez, don't remind me.

That par two was the longest three hours of my life.

Red, your daughter is drifting. So what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna start eating my lunch in the office.

Leo, man, glad you're here. I've been really busy.

Oh, yeah?

I guess my "buy one, get one free" flyer is really bringing in the business.

That's 'cause you forgot the "buy one" part.

Oh, no. Well, good thing we're closing early, man, 'cause I need you to give me a ride over to my cousin Larry's.

I don't have a car, man. You can drive mine, man.

I can't drive since my license got suspended.

Why? What'd you do?

Well, I dropped it in some soda, you know.

And it just hung there, suspended.

And then when I was looking at it I ran a red light.

Boy, ice fishing's fun.

I like this place, out here in the middle of a frozen lake.

It's cozy. Don't you think, Jackie?

If by "cozy," you mean "small and smelly," then, yes!

Good one, Jackie.

That's funny.

Well, she needs a sense of humor with an unfaithful ex-boyfriend, who brings her to a dump like this.


Nice. Thank you.

I mean, Eric would never take Donna to a place like this.

Fez, it wouldn't matter where we were. Just being together makes it fun.

But I would never bring you to a place like this, because I know that you don't like such small, smelly places.

You know me so well. Eskimo kiss.

Too bad Kelso doesn't know anything about Jackie.

Whoa. That is not true. I know everything about her.

In fact, I'll bet I know more about Jackie than Eric knows about Donna.

Whoa, Kelso, walk before you run, baby.

You think you know me, Michael? Then prove it.

Oh, I have an idea.

Let's play The Newlywed Game.

Eric and Donna versus Kelso and Jackie.

And I will be the impartial judge who gets Jackie in the end.

What? I mean, good luck to everyone.

Hey, Leo, what's in the bag, man?

How can I put this?

Let's just say, in this bag are illegal drugs.

What? Come on, man. You know I'm on probation!

No, it's cool, man.

All you have to do is just not get pulled over.

What did I just tell you, man?

Gentlemen, our ladies have already written down the answers to their questions.

First up, Eric.

Eric, what is Donna's favorite pizza topping?


Donna? Pepperoni!

We are such the perfect couple. I know.

Now, Kelso... Mushrooms.

No, no, no, no, no. That is not your question.

And minus two for interrupting the host.

Minus two. Okay, sorry.

It's okay. Minus two.

Now, Kelso, last summer you "accidentally" bounced Jackie off a trampoline.

When she woke up in the hospital, what were her first words?

Oh! "Michael, you idiot."

Michael, you remembered!

Swell, he remembered.

Okay, Eric, according to Donna, what is Donna's last name?


Oh, my God!



Now, Kelso...

Jackie has distant relatives in the Cook Islands.

In the early 1900s, what species of turtle did they save from extinction?

Take your time.


Michael, you're amazing!

No, no, no! No hugging.

I'm sorry, all right? I forgot.

That's right. And let's try to remember that, little lady.

Well, the score is horribly close.

I'm very impressed, Michael. Yeah, well...

I guess you just remember things about those you care about.

Oh, please. I'm gonna puke.

Let's get this nightmare over with.

Okay, Donna, if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?


Well, there's stuff I'd change. But I know Eric, and he'd say "Nothing."

No, but... Wait. But that's not the question.

Why? What'd you answer?

It doesn't matter what I answered, because you answered wrong.

And I don't want to play anymore.

"Huge Wile E. Coyote feet"?

What the hell does that mean?

It means you have enormous feet. Jackie?

Whoa, whoa, Fez.

Eric, you think I have enormous feet?

No. No, no, you think that.

Last week, you said you hated your "huge Wile E. Coyote feet."

Eric, I only said that so you'd say they're not big.

And they're not big.

I'm sorry. But, dude, that's a lie.

Oh, my God! I don't believe this.

No! Donna, no, you're looking at this all wrong.

Big feet make you, like, really stable. You know?

Really hard to knock over.

Get bent.

See? I have small feet.

That's where... Donna? Are you going somewhere, honey?

Okay, this is it.

For all the marbles.

Jackie, what was your answer?


Well, if I had to change one thing about me, it would have to be that I'm too cute and all other girls are jealous.


Oh, my God, Michael! That's amazing.

Oh, my God, I almost... Oh, my God. I gotta go talk to Donna.

Who would know that you would win a battle of wits?


Turns out that the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look, my own brain.

Donna, I think I'm actually feeling something for Michael, you know?

Donna, would you please stop looking at your feet and listen to me?

A boyfriend is supposed to tell you the things you don't like about yourself are fine.

Like last week, I told Eric his pecs were getting bigger.

But I mean, come on.

If you lie him on his back, you could fill up his chest with water.

Maybe I'm just lonely.

Or I need a sign from, like, God.

Or I don't know.

Maybe I just need someone to tell me if I'm crazy.

Jackie, you're crazy.

Not you, Bigfoot.

Hi, honey. How was...

Oh, not over yet.

No, it's not, Red.

Go make Laurie do something with her life.

I mean it. Now!

You know, when a guy comes home from work, he just wants to sit down and have a nice, quiet beer.

Well, she drank your beer because she doesn't have a future.

Fine, Kitty. I'm going.

Okay, honey. First of all, always save one beer for Daddy.

Okay. Second of all, we feel that you need to get some direction in your life.

And by "we," I mean your mother.

See, honey, I'm not really worried.

'Cause I know you're gonna find a nice guy and get married.

Exactly. Right.

Someone who can take care of you.

Who's rich. Who's not Kelso.

And I think this is a plan that might just work out for you.


But, Daddy, I mean, if I wanted to have a career of my own, I could, right?

Well, sure.

I just don't want you to set yourself up for...

Like what happened at the college.

If you set the bar too high, the fall might be...

You see, you're just so pretty.

Here's $5.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Is there a problem, ossifer?

Did you just say "ossifer"?

No, sir, I'm sorry. I distinctly heard him say "officer", sir.


I pulled you over because your left brake light is out.

I'm gonna have to write you up a warning.

Close one, man.

I thought for sure he was gonna ask what's in the bag.

I'm still right here.


Dog food? We were framed.

I mean, of course it's dog food.

What'd you think it was? Illegal drugs?

All right, weirdos.

Drive safe.

Dog food?

Yeah. I mean... Oh, wait, man.

If the dog's food in this bag, then where's...

Oh, wow. I gotta check on my dog, man.

Jackie, I... Don't speak, Michael.

I am very close to letting myself experience strong feelings of not hating you.

I just need a sign. I brought the lotion.

No. Okay, I want you to guess a number between one and ten.

Seven. Guess again.

Three. Close enough. Let's go.

Jackie, if you go out that door with him, whatever we might have had between us is over forever.

Look. The reason I haven't done anything with my life is because I didn't know what I wanted to do.

Well, the post office has a dental plan that's...

But, Daddy, you forced me to sit down and think about it.

And now I have found my passion. Hair!

The musical?

No, hair!

I'm going to beauty school.

This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?

No. It's a real school.

Oh, well, yay!

Congratulations, sweetheart.

So, Kitty, what do you think?


Well, looks like Jackie and Kelso are back together.

I won and Fez lost. I won and Fez lost.

You guys, what happened? I don't know.

All of a sudden the van just started shaking.

Uh... Guys?

Quick! Everyone give me your belts. Together, we can pull it out.

Come on!

Michael, this is it. This is the sign I was looking for.

God doesn't want us to be together.

Who cares? I'm losing my van.

See? That was always the problem with us, Michael.

It was always about you.

Jackie, are you losing your van? No.

Then shut up!

Wow, watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem unimportant.

See, Donna, size doesn't matter.

You don't have to tell me. That's... Yeah, right.

There's my sweet girl.

Fez, I'm cold.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.

Dr. Zhivago, I'm home!

I brought your food.