That '70s Show S3E11 Script

Who Wants It More? (2001)

DONNA, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE MY STUDY PARTNER.

BECAUSE YOU MAKE LEARNING FUN. HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

OK, WELL, NO MORE STUDY BREAKS.

WE HAVE TO GET THIS REPORT DONE.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

OK.

A REPORT ON THE CURRENT STATE OF U.S.-SOVIET RELATIONS.

OK, WE NEED A TITLE.

HOW ABOUT...

"THE CURRENT STATE OF U.S.-SOVIET RELATIONS"?

DAMN, YOU'RE SMART.

"...U.S.-SOVIET RELATIONS."

YOU KNOW... DONNA, I LOST MY UNDERWEAR.

BUT...

WHATEVER.

OK.

SERIOUSLY, WE NEED TO GET SOME WORK DONE.

DONNA, I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

OK.

RIGHT NOW, WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON, THE 2 SUPERPOWERS COULD CONDEMN US TO PAINFUL, FIERY DEATHS.

"...FIERY DEATHS."

OK...

SERIOUSLY, WE GOTTA DO THIS THING.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

ERIC, NO MORE STUDY BREAKS.

UH, RIGHT.

FROM NOW ON, ALL BUSINESS.

AHEM.

THE ARMS RACE BEGAN...

WITH THE MASSIVE BUILD-UP OF BOMBERS BY THE SOVIET UNION.

ACTUALLY, THE UNITED STATES STARTED THE ARMS BUILD-UP.

NO, THEY DIDN'T. WHAT ABOUT THE BOMBER GAP?

BOMBER GAP?

THAT'S SO CUTE.

"...BOMBERS BY THE...

UNITED... STATES."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STUDY BREAK?

GET BENT.

OW!

OH, THERE'S MY UNDERWEAR.

HANGIN' OUT DOWN THE STREET THE SAME OLD THING WE DID LAST WEEK NOT A THING TO DO BUT TALK TO YOU WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT HELLO, WISCONSIN!

OK, DONNA, WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE MY IDEAS.

OH.

DONNA...

YOU'LL GET THE SAME "A" I GET.

RELAX, BABY.

ERIC, I CAN'T RELAX.

'CAUSE YOU'RE WRONG AND I'M RIGHT.

OK.

OK.

I THINK WE NEED TO CLEAR OUR HEADS WITH A NICE...

STUDY BREAK.

ERIC, KNOCK IT OFF.

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR A STUPID STUDY BREAK.

WHAT? WHY?

BECAUSE I DISAGREE WITH YOU?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

REALLY, DONNA? BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW, WE WERE GOING AT IT LIKE RABBITS WHO HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF PRISON.

WELL, THAT'S OVER.

WAIT. SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

YOU'RE GONNA HOLD OUT ON ME UNTIL I AGREE WITH YOU?

BECAUSE THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK, DONNA.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT HOLDING OUT ON YOU.

AND SECOND OF ALL, IF I DID, IT WOULD SO WORK.

OK, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

SO TRY THIS DRESS ON FOR SIZE...

I'M CUTTIN' YOU OFF.

YEAH!

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A THREAT?

SUPPOSED TO BE.

YEAH.

OK. IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS, WE'LL DO THIS.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA CAVE, AND I'M GONNA LAUGH.

YEAH!

I JUST SAW A UFO!

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE COINCIDENCE!

I WAS JUST TELLING FEZ ABOUT HOW DUMB YOU ARE.

OK, NO, SO I'M OUT IN THE FIELD, RIGHT?

AND THERE IT WAS. IT WAS IN THE AIR, AND IT HAD LIGHTS, AND IT WAS LIKE...

THAT'S A UFO, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH. HANG ON, FEZ.

KELSO, REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU THOUGHT YOU SAW THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN?

YEAH.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT IT TURNED OUT TO BE?

JUST A REGULAR SNOWMAN.

GUYS, COME ON, LET'S GO OUT TO THE FIELD.

IT COULD COME BACK.

SO YOU THINK I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN STAND IN A FIELD FREEZING MY 'NADS OFF?

HEY, WHO WANTS TO HELP ME CONNECT THE DOTS?

SORRY, 'NADS. LET'S GO.

WHAT IS ALL THAT NOISE?

OH, BOB'S CUTTING DOWN A TREE IN HIS FRONT YARD.

BY HIMSELF?!

DOESN'T HE KNOW THAT'S INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS?!

YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BOB.

HE'S STUPID.

OH, RED.

IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK ABOUT A FRIEND?!

A STUPID FRIEND!

Bob: TIMBERRRR!

OH, NOOOOO!


OH, DAMN IT.

DID BOB KILL ME?

OH, BUT HE JUST FEELS SUPER BAD ABOUT IT.

MM-HMM.

SO...

WHERE IS EVERYONE?

BOY, YOU CAN HARDLY TELL WHERE YOUR HEAD WAS CRUSHED.

HA HA HA!

WHERE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS?

YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY FRIENDS, RED.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AN UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT OF TELLING EVERYBODY TO... TO...

STICK IT UP THEIR BUTTS.

YEAH.

GEE, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, KITTY.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER.

YEAH.

OH, WELL, HINDSIGHT'S 20-20.

HA HA.

YOU JUST LIE BACK AND ENJOY YOUR COFFIN.

OOH. SATIN.

THAT'S NICE.

RED! RED...

I'M SO SORRY!

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

BOB, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS...

BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

RED?

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT...

YOU SMELL NICE.

JACKIE, THAT'S REALLY ANNOYING. WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF, HYDE?

DONNA, IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT?

OH, CRAP. DO YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING?

Donna and Eric: CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

NOT REALLY.

YEAH. UNLESS I CAN BURN YOU WITH IT LATER.

I'M HOLDING OUT ON ERIC.

I'M HOLDING OUT ON DONNA.

DONNA, THAT'S GREAT!

OH, FORMAN, THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

Hyde and Jackie: SO HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

Donna and Eric: 3 OF THE LONGEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

Donna and Eric: MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CAVE.

Hyde and Jackie: NO!

HEY, IF YOU CAVE, SHE OWNS YOU.

WHEN HE CAVES, YOU OWN HIM.

YEAH, BUT THERE'S NO WAY SHE WANTS IT AS BAD AS I DO.

CAN YOU BLAME HER?

I THINK I WANT IT MORE THAN ERIC.

EEW. WHY?

FORMAN...

SEX IS HOW WOMEN CONTROL MEN.

DONNA...

SEX IS HOW WE CONTROL MEN.

IF THEY EVER FIND OUT WE WANT IT, TOO...

WE'LL NEVER GET JEWELRY AGAIN.

SECRETLY, I BELIEVE THEY LIKE IT AS MUCH AS WE DO.

OH, YOU AND YOUR CRAZY CONSPIRACIES.

HYDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS MEANS SOMETHING.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

WELL, THIS IS A CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE POTATO KIND.

HA HA HA HA!

I'M SORRY.

HOW'S IT GOIN', GUYS?

GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL.

KITTY, I'VE BEEN THINKING, IT MIGHT BE FUN TO HAVE OUR FRIENDS OVER FOR A PARTY.

WHOO-HOO! PARTY AT RED'S!

ARE YOU FEELING OK, RED?

OH, HONEY, HONEY, DON'T TOUCH HIM.

YEAH, I'M FINE.

OK, WELL, I JUST...

I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU USE THE WORDS FUN, FRIENDS, AND PARTY ALL IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

I HAVE, MRS. FORMAN.

FOR INSTANCE...

"ERIC, I HAD FUN RUINING THE PARTY FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS."

YEAH, THAT WAS FUN.

WELL, I THINK A PARTY IS A GREAT IDEA, RED.

GREAT. THEN IT'S SETTLED.

HOW YA DOIN' THERE, SABU?

HE SMELLS NICE.

HELLO, DONNA. HELLO, ERIC.

I HAVE COME TO WORK ON OUR REPORT.

EXCELLENT. MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT FOR YOU?

OF COURSE.

HOLY CRAP!

SHE IS SO SEXY!

BE STRONG!

FIGHT BACK.

USE THE LOOK.

OH, NO, NOT THE LOOK.

IT'S SO...

WAIT. I FIND THIS HOT?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

COME ON, PINCIOTTI, COUNTERATTACK.

OOPS.

LOOK AWAY!

OHH, I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.

MUST TOUCH...

NO! BE STRONG!

WELL, DONNA, IF YOU WOULD...

REFER TO PAGE 83.

OH, THE EAR!

DAMN HIM!

WAIT. MUST WIN THIS FOR WOMANKIND.

MUST CRUSH ERIC.

RED ALERT.

SHE IS TOUCHING YOUR THIGH.

OH, NO.

PLAN BACKFIRING.

THIGH SO WARM.

INVITING.

BONY, BUT NICE.

Kitty: DONNA.

YOUR MOTHER'S ON THE PHONE.

OH, THANK GOD!

SO, ERIC, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

FINE! SHUT THE DOOR, PLEASE!


HEY, DUDES.

LEO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, MAN?

WOW. THAT'S A REALLY GOOD QUESTION, MAN.

LEO?

I'M WORKIN' ON IT, MAN.

CHOCODILE?

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S A TWINKIE WRAPPED IN CHOCOLATE, MAN.

NO!

IN THE SKY. THOSE LIGHTS.

I THINK THAT'S A UFO.

IT'S JUST A PLANE.

THEY'RE ALL JUST PLANES.

YEAH... WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

AH! HEH HEH.

NOW I GOT PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE.

OF WHAT, THAT PLANES CAN FLY?

I SAW A UFO ONCE.

MAN, IT WAS AWESOME.

IT JUST HUNG IN THE AIR.

AND THEN IT SENT ME A MESSAGE.

BIG BRIGHT YELLOW LETTERS.

IT TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD YEAR.

DID THIS BY ANY CHANCE HAPPEN AT A FOOTBALL GAME?

YEAH, MAN.

AND THE WEIRD THING WAS, I WAS THE ONLY ONE FREAKIN' OUT ABOUT IT.

WAIT A SECOND.

GOOD YEAR?

AH, IT WAS A TERRIBLE YEAR, MAN.

STUPID ALIENS.

HEY, RED!

I WAS JUST TELLING TONY HERE HOW I ALMOST KILLED YOU WITH A TREE.

OOH.

CLOSE CALL LIKE THAT CAN REALLY MAKE YOU THINK, HUH, RED?

YOU BET.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE I WAS UPSET THAT YOU HADN'T RETURNED MY HEDGE CLIPPERS.

OH, SHOOT. I THINK I GAVE THOSE TO MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.

HA HA HA HA HA.

YOU DID, DID YOU?

OH, WELL. THAT'S OK.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU STOLE THEM OR ANYTHING.

YOU JUST TOOK 'EM AND NEVER RETURNED 'EM.

WHICH IS DIFFERENT.

SOMEHOW.

HA HA HA HA HA.

HA!

HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA.

MOM, COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DAD, HAVE YOU EVER... LET AN ARGUMENT CROSS INTO OTHER PARTS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU KNOW, I MEAN...

DO YOU EVER...

NOT HAVE SEX WITH DAD?

SURE! I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM RIGHT NOW.

NO, MOM, I MEAN, LIKE, IN AN ARGUMENT, TO GET YOUR WAY?

YOU CAN DO THAT?

YEAH.

I JUST WONDER IF IT'S WRONG.

DONNA, YOU'RE SAYING, BY MY NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR FATHER, I CAN GET HIM TO PAINT THE BATHROOM?

YEAH.

BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT HURTS THE RELATIONSHIP?

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I'M GETTING MY BATHROOM PAINTED.

AND 2 OF THEM TO TURN THE LADDER.

HOO HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA.

YEAH.

YEAH, THOSE POLISH PEOPLE, THEY SURE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT LIGHT BULBS.

EXACTLY.

2 OF THEM TURN THE LADDER, YOU KNOW...

SO SAMMY DAVIS JR., THE POPE, AND THIS POLISH GUY ARE ON A PLANE, SEE, AND THERE'S ONLY THE ONE PARACHUTE...

HEY, RED.

SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE DEAD AND ALL, CAN I HAVE THOSE SHOES?

GET AWAY FROM HIM.

RED, HONEY. HA HA.

YOUR FUNERAL'S A BIG HIT.

YOU ARE CORPSE OF THE YEAR.

JUST PUT THE LID ON, KITTY.

I NEED SOME FREAKIN' QUIET.

ARE YOU HAVING FUN?

NO.

TURNS OUT I WAS MISTAKEN.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SPEND IT WITH PEOPLE WHO ANNOY YOU.

I... I JUST WANT TO SPEND IT WITH PEOPLE I REALLY, REALLY LOVE.

LIKE YOU.

AND, UH...

WELL, MOSTLY JUST YOU.

EVERYBODY...

THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

AND I JUST WANT TO SAY...

WHEN MY TIME COMES, I WANT TO BE BURIED FACEDOWN, SO THAT ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME...

CAN KISS MY ASS.

HA HA HA HA HA.

HEY, KELSO, MAN, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR FILM.

UFO PICTURES CAME OUT OK.

HAH!

PROOF!

THESE NAKED ONES OF YOU ARE FAR MORE INTERESTING, MAN.

WHAT? THOSE WERE ON THAT ROLL?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T SEE A UFO, BUT I CAN DEFINITELY SEE URANUS.

IT'S A PLANET, BUT IT'S ALSO YOUR BUTT.

YOU GUYS ARE SO IMMATURE.

KELSO, WHY ARE YOU SQUIRTING WATER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

I WAS A FOUNTAIN!

I TOTALLY GOT IT, MAN. IT'S ART.

DAMN.

HEY, YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE THE OTHER SET HE BROUGHT?

NAKED.

AWW!

DONNA... WE'VE GOT TO GET THIS THING DONE.

THIS REPORT IS DUE IN 6 HOURS.

YEAH, ERIC, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

THIS WHOLE COLD WAR STANDOFF...

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

NEITHER SIDE IS GETTING WHAT IT WANTS.

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS...

BY HURTING EACH OTHER, THEY'RE ACTUALLY...

HURTING THEMSELVES.

YEAH.

IT MUST BE INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING FOR BOTH SIDES.

BOTH OF THEM ARE JUST BUILDING UP AND BUILDING UP.

THE URGE TO LAUNCH A FIRST STRIKE MUST BE OVERWHELMING.

AND PAINFUL.

DONNA, IN A LOT OF WAYS WHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH HERE IS JUST LIKE THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS.

EXCEPT IN OUR CASE IT'S A...

MISSILE CRISIS.

ERIC, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S TIME FOR DETENTE.

WAIT. WHAT ABOUT OUR DISAGREEMENT?

I DON'T CARE. YOU WIN, OK?

WHAT?

IT JUST...

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAVED.

WAIT UNTIL I TELL HYDE.

NO. NO. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

SUDDENLY I'M...

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

YOU'RE LYING!

DONNA, WE'RE PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN HERE.

ERIC, GIRLS DON'T HAVE A POINT OF NO RETURN.

SO, SEE YOU TOMORROW.

DONNA?

YES, ERIC?

I CAVE.

OH, THANK GOD, 'CAUSE I WAS JUST BLUFFING.