That '70s Show S3E13 Script

Dine & Dash (2001)

Hey, guys, guess what I got.



A 100 bucks.

So money to treat your VD?

No. My grandmother gave me this money.

See, my mom told her that she needed to bleach her whiskers.

And I was like... I go, "What whiskers?"

Which is a total lie, because she's got these honking whiskers.

But then it made her so happy she gave me a 100 bucks.

No offense, Michael, but your mum's not one to talk. I mean...


Hey! My mother is a beautiful woman.


Sorry. She's nice.

Sorry. Whisker face.

All right, thank you!

Now we gotta go celebrate this 100 bucks.

Let's all go out to dinner. Someplace expensive. Someplace nice.

Let's go to the Vineyard.

My new ladylove, Caroline, works there.

Caroline from the concert?

Have you guys gone out again? No.

So, have you guys hung out at school? No.

Talked on the phone? No.

Have you had any contact with her at all? No.

So Caroline's your new lady? Yes.

That's great. Thank you.

There she is. Isn't she lovely?

She reminds me of that song Isn't She Lovely.

Here she comes. Here she comes. Watch me impress her.

Hi, Fez. Hello, Caroline.

I just came over to say hi. Hi.

Hi! Bye. Bye.

Did you see how I played her?

Hey, Kelso, thanks for dinner. It was great.

Yeah, it was delicious. Thanks so much.

Hey, guys, no need to thank me. I'm happy to do it.

Okay. Everybody ready?

Don't you have to pay first?

I'm not paying. What?

What, did you think I was paying?

Yes. Kelso, we don't have any money. You don't need any.

People, we are on a "dine and dash" here.

Yeah, 'cause the only thing better than eating lobster is eating lobster and hauling ass.

Let's haul ass.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Kelso, what the hell are you thinking?

You said you'd take care of it.

And I took care of it by planning the "dine and dash."

Kelso, we're not doing it. Why not?

Guys, we're making memories here.

Kelso, it's wrong.

Wrong? Or hilarious?

Wrong, you dill-hole!

Or hilariously wrong. I like it.

But then again, I'm from the underbelly of society, so...

Yes, excuse me.

Would you please send your finest imported beer to Caroline?

And tell her that when I said "Hi", what I meant was, "I'll take you like a stallion."

You got that? Like a stallion?

Fez, stop ordering stuff.

Okay, you need to chill out, little girl.

Didn't you hear Kelso?

The Vineyard is having a "dine and dash" promotion.

Everything's free.

It's not free, Fez.

"Dine and dash" is when you run out without paying.

So it's stealing?

This isn't going to help me with Caroline, is it?

Excuse me.


That's from me, you son of a bitch.

Oh, good, honey, you're home. Listen. The Pinciottis called.

They wanted to have to have card night tonight. So...

No, Kitty, you just call them back 'cause there's no way in hell that I'm gonna have card night with the Pinciottis

'cause it's just too much fun.

Hello, Bob and Midge.

What the hell are they doing here? I don't know.

So, who else needs a drink real bad?

Tough day at the salt mines, Red?

Oh. When did you get a job at the salt mines?

Here, honey. Play with these.

Yeah. Working Joe.

I'll tell you. Since my business went bankrupt, I got a lot of free time.

I mainly use it to nap and cry.

Well, Bob, don't cry on the cards.

It makes them hard to shuffle.

Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.


Well, remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid?

Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?

Oh, my God. I'm a thief.

I think technically you're an accessory.

Which should make you happy, because you love accessories.

Earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows... Shut up!

So, did you enjoy your Pilsner?

Did you get the message about the stallion?

Okay, look, okay? You can't send beer to the hostess podium, okay?

I almost got fired. So just pretend you don't know me, okay?

I don't think I do know you, Caroline.

Caroline has upset me.

I can't wait to dine and dash on her ass, her beautiful ass.

I'll go first. Hyde, we're not doing this.

And especially not you, 'cause you're on probation.

So what? So what? You get caught, you go to jail, and I've heard nothing good about jail.

I haven't done one stinking illegal thing since I got probation.

So, what, you're mad because you haven't committed any crime since your last crime?

Yeah, so I'm going.

Can I help you?

What happened?

This place is like Alcatraz, man. There's no way out.

So it was either a UFO, or I rubbed my eyes too hard.

Okay. Good story, Midge.

So, Red, how's work?

Well, yesterday I hired some new guy down in Sporting Goods, but I don't know... Whoa. You hired a new guy?

That's funny.

I remember when I was doing the hiring at my store, and you were out of work.

I hired you, neighbor.

Listen, Bob... No.

Midgie, we're going home. But I have gin.

We're playing bridge!

I can't do it. I've gone soft, man. I'm like Forman.

It sickens me.

Hmm. So you can't do it. I wonder why.

Why, oh, why?

Oh. I know why. Yes, Donna?

Because it's wrong. That's right, Miss Pinciotti. It's wrong.

Gee, what a surprise. Mom and Dad don't want to do it.

We are not Mom and Dad.

And we're not leaving without paying, young man.

Fine. Fine. I'll pay for the stupid dinner.

Now, just give me your stupid keys so I can get my money out of your stupid car.


I don't care if you're in the freaking Olympics about to run the freaking 100-yard dash.

If someone sends you a beer, you say thank you and drink the freaking beer.

Um, Eric, did Kelso leave his money at home?

'Cause he just drove away in the Vista Cruiser.


No. No, he wouldn't ditch us.

Are you sure? 'Cause as he drove past, he was doing this.

No. Donna, he's kidding. He wouldn't ditch us.

He ditched us!

I'm sure he's right outside. I'll go get him.

Fez, I don't know. Don't worry.

I'll go and get the money and come back. You can trust me.

He's not coming back! And we trusted him.

Foreigners lie!

You know what?

I'm just gonna call my dad, and he'll come pay for our dinner.

Okay, but, Jackie, if you don't come back...

Eric, please. I'm not immature like those idiots.

She is immature like those idiots!

I can't believe I got stuck here with the squares.

We're not squares!

Donna, settle down. You don't want to upset your stomach.

This is bad, man.

If I'm not fighting against the system, I am the system.

Screw it. I'm going.


Okay, I can take the check now.

Or whenever or now.


Two more bananas Foster, please.

Eric, what are you doing?

I'm stalling. They'll come back.

Joke's over, you know?

Best thing about this joke, it just keeps going and going.

And not only did we break the law, we screwed our friends while breaking the law.

How dumb was he to give me the car keys?

I mean, who here trusts me?

No way. Not me.

Thank you.

You know what?

Stolen food does taste better.

Dinner roll?

Guys, I feel bad about Eric and Donna.

Maybe we should figure out a way to help them.

Sure, we could do that. Or...

...we could ask ourselves, "How can we make this worse?" j& Happy anniversary, happy anniversary j& Happy anniversary, Donna and Eric j&

With best wishes from Hyde, Kelso, Fez and Jackie.

Oh, this is just terrible.

No, Kitty.

Quincy's no Columbo, but he's still pretty good.

Red, Bob was very upset when he left here.

Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big-boy pants.

Well, why didn't you offer him a job?

I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job.

Oh, Red, you insult him every day.

But that's different. He thinks I'm kidding.

Kitty, this is about a man's dignity.

Oh, sure, it was awful, what happened.

But let's just put it behind us and watch Quincy.


Oh, come on, Red. How bad would it be working with Bob?

It's a big store. You'd hardly ever see him.

Maybe you could... You could hide from him.

He'd find me.

He always finds me.

Well, you better think of something because they are gonna live next door to us for a long, long time.

You don't know that.

He's out of work. He'll probably lose the house.

Fine. I'll talk to Bob.

But you gotta work on your sense of humor, lady.

Man, I can't believe those guys screwed us like this.

Well, at least we still have each other.

You know what? You're right, Donna.

I can't count on much in this crazy world, but I can always count on you.

That is so true.

I have to go to the bathroom. Okay.


Why don't you just sit your lying ass down?

Eric, don't you trust me?

Not as far as I can throw you, and that ain't far.

How can you say that?

Okay, so I noticed the fire exit was next to the bathroom.

It doesn't mean I'd use it.

I just happened to notice it, that's all. It's very convenient.

Donna, don't you see what's happening?

They've turned us against each other. You're right.

I was gonna use the fire exit. I was!

You know why they do this?

Because they know we won't get them back.

We're responsible, mature "Mom and Dad."

We just... We won't stoop to their level.

Well, damn it, let's stoop to their level or an even lower level.

Yeah. Oh, I'm with you, baby, yeah.

There's just one problem.

We can't do it from in here.

If I don't make it...

...tell Mama I'm sorry.

Don't talk like that.

You'll tell her yourself.

Hey, Bob.

So, taking out your trash, huh?

No, Red, I'm bringing it back in.

Yeah, Bob. That's a good one.

Listen, I want to offer you a job at Price Mart.

Jeez, Red, Price Mart? What?

Yeah, I mean, that may be fine for you, but you're talking to a guy who owned his own business.

And ran it into the ground.

Okay... Okay, I'm... I'm sorry.

Just take the job, Bob. No.

Okay, that's fine, Bob. There is no job. Forget it.

Oh, so now you're not offering me a job.

I just offered you the job, and you said you didn't want the job!

Well, ask me again.

Oh, cripes.

You want a job at Price Mart, Bob?

I'll think about it.

Go to hell, Bob!

Okay, you guys, okay. Good one last night.

You know, ditching us at the restaurant and everything.

Yeah, we got you so bad.

You really did. We laughed and laughed.

To show you guys we're such good sports, we made you a batch of special brownies.

Special brownies. Like the special kind of special?

The best kind of special.

Something's wrong, I don't feel special.

Me neither.

Yeah, I don't think those were special brownies, man.

Oh, no, no. They're special.

Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?

Well, I certainly do, Eric.

Chocolate super-lax.

You didn't. We did.

We so did. Now, maybe you'll think twice before screwing us.

Well, nice try, because I don't feel any... Oh!

Oh, no. I am last.

Hi, no! I know.

You're surprised to see me, right? And upset?

Yes, many things are upset. Okay, listen.

Okay, listen, Fez. About last night...

I know you were angry... Yeah.

...and you have every right to be. No.

But you know what this was? Our first fight.

And it made us a real couple, if you can forgive me.

Fine. Move away from the door. So we're okay?

Good. No.

Now let's make up like a real couple.

You bastards!

Wait, Fez! Wait up!

Okay, you guys.

That was a wicked burn.

I mean, it had all the elements.

You didn't see it coming, parts of it really hurt.

Well, Kelso, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Oh, I did.

I got my eye on you two.

You're not gonna burn me like that again.

I love our friends. Me, too.

Hey, Red.

I've been thinking about your offer, and I want you to know I made a decision.

Oh, goody.

But I need you to ask me again.

Bob, would you, uh, like a job at Price Mart?

Say it like you mean it.

Go to hell, Bob!