That '70s Show S3E14 Script

Radio Daze (2001)

Bob...

That's my soda.

But I drank all mine.

Keep it.

Hey, that's my soda.

Life is unfair.

Oh, swell.

It's Max from the radio station.

His ad rates bled me dry.

Well, I got nothing to say to him.

Hiya, Max.

Oh, bargain Bob.

Well, hey, I'm sorry you lost the store, man.

Sorry? I lost it by choice.

Yep. I'm doing great.

Got the large fries, you know.

Large fries. That's great.

I'll see you.

Hey, uh, speaking of fries, you got any jobs down at the radio station?

Oh, not for a guy like you.

I'm currently Looking for an office girl, but usually my office girls are...

Girls.

Hi, I'm Donna the girl.

Okay, Donna.

Listen, drop by the station, and we'll see what we can do.

Sure. Thanks.

I could have been an office girl.

Oh, that does it!

This tastes like crap!

May I help you, sir?

Yeah. I want to compliment you on one tasty fried piece of shoe.

Let me take care of this right now.

Earl!

Oh, no.

Did you say Earl?

Just one second.

Oh, Ricky, I'm glad you called me.

I need to leave Early for a...

Oh. Hi, Red.

You two know each other?

I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.

Oh, then he and I have something in common.

You're fired.

What'd I do?

Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you.


Fez...

What instrument's that?

Instrument?

Eric, I got a job!

I'm sorting records at Jerry Thunder's radio show.

No way!

WFPP?

That's Jerry Thunder!

The sound.

Totally, and he knows rock stars, and he gets free concert tickets, and he gave me this guitar pick from Foghat.

No way!

Eric, there's a whole pile of bumper stickers, and they're free!

No way!

Okay, well, I gotta go.

I gotta go alphabetize the 8-tracks.

No way!

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Leo, man, this place is a mess.

Yeah? You should see my garage.

This is your garage, man.

Well, then you see what I mean.

It's a mess.

National Geographic is a beautiful magazine.

There is volcanoes, and a gazelle...

And naked...

Hey, Leo, man, there's a car in here.

It's an El Camino.

Oh!

Wow. Do you think it's mine?

The plate says "Leo's."

No, I mean the car, man.

This guy, you know?

And this is where we do the interviews.

A lot of rock legends have puked in this room.

Good times.

Wow.

So if I stay here long enough, I might see a rock star throw up?

See it?

You'll probably clean it up.

All right!

Oh, yeah. This is Jerry Thunder...

Coming to you on the sound, and it looks like we got a new office girl.

What's your name, baby?

Um, Donna.

Mmm, well, Donna, you are hot.

So I'm gonna call you "hot Donna."

Okay.

You got yourself a boyfriend, hot Donna?

Um, no.

Mmm, that is good news, fellas, 'cause hot Donna is hot!

Um...

Max, why'd you make me say that just 'cause I have a boyfriend.

Fine. You have a boyfriend.

So does Elton John.

No way!

Yeah, they're a fantastic couple.

I love 'em.

The point is we're selling an image here, and an available hot Donna is good for ratings.

Oh, well, what the hell?

Eric won't have a problem with this.

What the hell? I have a problem with this!

Maybe she dumped you and forgot to tell you.

Oh, my God. Thank you, Nairobi.

Look, Forman, I wouldn't read too much into this.

Donna probably just said she doesn't have a boyfriend because she's ashamed of you.

Okay, baby, I'll see you later.

Listen, Forman, you're just upset because you know Donna's entering the really cool world of FM radio.

But, you know, feel good, man.

'Cause you'll be like that first sweet relationship she'll Look back on fondly while she's on the tour bus straddling rock stars.

Yeah, life just hasn't been the same since I lost the van.

You know, it's hard to get chicks when you don't have wheels.

I mean, you know, sometimes a killer bod just isn't enough.

Amen to that, brother.

Okay, I'll sell the El Camino to you for...

$500.

$400.

$600. $700.

No, damn! Wait!

That's the wrong way.

Um...

Uh...$500!

No.

$500.

Sold.

Sucker. Sucker.

Eric, don't worry about this whole Donna thing.

I know a lot of girls who are much more realistic for you.

You know, they might be a little heavy or a little dumb or have a cockeye, but...

Jackie, she didn't break up with me, okay?

She still loves me.

Oh.

So you're in the denial stage.

No.

See?

Oh, my God, you guys.

This has been the best day ever!

Jerry Thunder is totally taking me under his wing, and his stories?

He's so funny.

Oh! Elton John has a boyfriend.

Plus I get to meet Alice Cooper.

Here it is!

I'm gonna see if Alice will sign this.

Oh, I can't make it to the movie tonight. See ya.

See?

She still loves me.

Yeah.

Have you met my friend, fat Sally?

Earl, what brings you here?

Well, I took the bus.

First off, Kitty, I'd like to say you have a lovely home.

Second of all, screw you, Red!

What?

Well, I'm outta work, and it's all your fault.

How am I supposed to pay my bills or feed my dog or go to Hawaii?

Look, Earl, you can't blame me for getting fired.

I didn't make you too dumb to flip burgers.

That's God's fault.

Yeah? Well, you know the Christmas card you get of me and my dog every year?

You're off the list. Yeah, that's right.

Don't bother checking the mailbox, Red, 'cause it ain't coming.

I loved his Christmas cards.

They were handmade.

This is Jerry Thunder...

Coming at you on the sound, and we got Alice Cooper droppin' by any minute, and it is going to be wild!

This is Jerry Thunder...

Coming your way on the sound where we are enjoying lots of sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Am I right, hot Donna?

You sure are, Jerry Thunder.

Radio people are the coolest!

That's right.

That's why you want to have sex with us all.

I really do!

Hey, everybody, it's Alice Cooper.

Hey, hot Donna.

Heard about you at the last big rock star meeting.

Hey, Ted Nugent and I were wondering, did you ever break up with that loser boyfriend of yours?

Not yet, Alice Cooper.

Here's my loser boyfriend right now.

Hey, Donna, are you ready to go to the Pricemart Ball?

You hear that, everybody? The Pricemart Ball.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we feed your skinny boyfriend to the snake?

Okay.

Damn you, Alice Cooper!

I haven't seen Donna in two days.

She's been spending all of her time at the radio station.

It's a real problem.

Oh, well, here we go again.

Forman's got a problem.

Well, you know what?

Maybe I got a problem, man. Did you ever think of that?

Oh, man, Hyde, I'm sorry.

Go ahead, man. Unload.

Actually, I'm cool.

And that's how you do it.

You have a problem and you hold it in, man.

Now leather up, fruitcake.

I have a problem...

But I guess I'll keep it all inside.

Hey, you guys, so Leo agreed to sell me the El Camino for, like, $500, so what I need from you is...

$500.

Hey, I'm Hyde.

I don't feel anything.

I'm just a frizzy-haired robot.

Hey, I'm Forman.

I use the same voice to imitate everybody.

It's just that I...

I...

Nothing.

Oh, Gilligan screwed it up.

He always screws it up.

Why don't they just kill him?

I don't think you're really mad at Gilligan, Red.

Admit it. You feel guilty about what happened to Earl.

This has nothing to do with Earl.

The professor worked on that coconut radio for three months.

Now how the hell are they gonna get off that island?

Well, then I guess I was wrong.

I don't know why I questioned you.

And I'll tell you...

Something's going on with that Skipper.

You don't get that fat eating coconuts.

Jackie, you know I wouldn't ask you if this wasn't important, okay?

But this is an El Camino.

That's Spanish for "The Camino."

By accepting this check, you are agreeing to two things.

First, you will pay me back in full, and you will be my slave for a week.

You mean like your love slave?

No.

More like an errand boy.

You mean like your errand love boy?

No.

Just errands.

Okay.

Good. Here. Now, go get your car, and then come by my place.

I need you to hold my toes apart while I paint them.

Well, errand boy, you just sold your soul for a car.

Who cares, Fez?

Your soul is like an appendix.

I don't even use it.

Kitty, about this burger...

What? Is it burnt?

Are you gonna fire me?

Make me live on the street with the other hoboes?

Kitty, let it go.

I do not feel guilty!

All right! I feel guilty!

He'll thank me when his tummy stops hurting.

So...

How are things with you and...

Hot Donna?

Well, if you heard about hot Donna, then you heard that I'm not her boyfriend.

The whole world heard that.

Well...

People in Canada heard it.

Oh, honey, Canadians don't matter.

What matters is that you and Donna are okay, right?

Mom, I don't even know if we're okay.

She's spending all of her time at the sound with Jerry Thunder.

That reminds me of when I first started at the hospital.

Your father was concerned that I was spending way too much time down there with all these handsome doctors.

But, mom, that's stupid.

Doctors aren't important like DJs.

Okay, well, the point is, your dad started showing up at the hospital to mark his territory, and one of the doctors who was getting a little fresh got punched in the mouth.

Dad's so cool.

No, that wasn't cool. It was embarrassing.

But you married him.

Yes, but it was embarrassing.

But, still, you married him.

The point is, you have to trust Donna.

But dad didn't trust you, and you married him.

Okay, you know what?

I can't talk to you.

Okay, I am here to withdraw my complaint about my overcooked burger.

Ah-ha. Well, I don't think you can do that.

Well, I think I can.

Of course you can. The customer's always right.

So you'll give Earl his job back?

Well, the fry cook burned off his finger this morning, so... sure.

By the way, don't have the fish sticks.

We haven't found it.

You hear that, Earl?

You got your job back. You can go to work.

Wait. You mean right now?

But I'll Miss WKRP.

Okay, man, here are the keys.

Oh, bitchin'!

You know, I was gonna give this car to my son on his 16th birthday,

but then my old lady took him and split.

Yeah, wow. Sad story. Keys, please?

I can't sell you the car, man.

Oh, man!

Oh, I guess I understand.

Thanks, man.

Hyde, I want you to have this car.

What? No!

You just said that you couldn't sell the car!

Well, I'm not selling it.

I'm giving it to him, man.

He's family.

He's the son I never had.

You just said you had a son!

Yeah, and Hyde's the son I never had.

Hey, Leo, man, thanks. You're the best...

The car... The love...

The wicked burn on Kelso.

Hey, man. Need a lift?

Eric, what are you doing here?

I'll tell you what I'm doing here, Donna.

I'm here to say who's who and what's what to Jerry Thunder.

Eric, you can't talk to Jerry. He's on the air.

Oh, fine. Then I guess I'll just have to wait.

But let me tell you something...

I'll be fuming.

This is Jerry Thunder...

Signing off, and I'll see you around the sound.

All right. Whoo!

Let's get Mr. Big FM stud out here right now.

Yeah! Big time!

Eric. Why are you being weird?

Donna, I'm gonna make a long story short.

I'm here to kick a little DJ ass, so have a seat.

Hey, Donna, and this must be the boyfriend Eric.

Hi. I'm Jerry Thunder.

You're Jerry Thunder?

Well, that's just great.

Check out Jerry Thunder.

Hey, you kids, the night is young.

You guys up for a game of Dungeons & Dragons?

I'll let you be Mandar, the half-elf.

Oh, well. Another time, perhaps. Good night.

So that's Jerry Thunder?

You know, it really turns me off when you're so insecure like this.

We've been together long enough where it's either you don't get it or you don't trust me.

No, Donna, I trust you.

Well, then you don't get it.

I finally have something that's really good in my life right now.

And if you can't handle that, then we have a problem.

So, Eric, do we have a problem?

No, we do not have a problem.

Okay, good, 'Cause I broke my nail on a Styx album.

I didn't even get to meet Alice Cooper, and I am super pissed.

Yeah, well, you know...

You have a really cool job.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

REO Speedwagon's coming in next week.

I'm gonna see if they'll sign my boobs.

Now we have a problem.

Okay, suddenly you're face-to-face with the dragon of fear.

No! I should have worn my gauntlet of ogre strength.

Dumb!

Any ideas, Mandar?

Well, there's my rod of cancellation, but it's chancy.

Yeah. You know, a girl once promised to play with us, but she didn't show up.

Cheer up, King Zintar the great.

Let's get out there and slay that dragon.