That '70s Show S3E16 Script

Romantic Weekend (2001)

What are you guys up to? We're spending the weekend at a hotel.

What, car sex isn't good enough anymore?

I would love car sex.

Or just sex.

Or just a car.

I have to get out of town. Ever since my dad lost the store he just shuffles around in a not-completely-closed bathrobe.

It's really depressing.

"The Wisconsin Dells' most romantic hideaway.

"Hunters and truckers always welcome."

That's nice.

Sounds awesome. I'm gonna go pack.

You guys. The weirdest thing just happened with Pam Macy.

Kelso, man, she'll do that with any guy standing in front of her.

Okay. So, I'm making out with Pam in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal until...


You know, the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.

Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?



Let me put it this way.

The buffer wouldn't buff.

Poor Mr. Cooper.

No, Fez. I think what he's trying to say is...

The rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.

The weasel wouldn't pop.

The alphabet soup never spelled "Go."

Okay! All right! Enough!

Actually, not quite.

There are a lot of Amish people but they never raised a barn.

Forman, man, that was awesome.

Hey. It just came to me.

I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.

Okay, you guys! This is not funny!

This is, like, a nightmare.

Yes. Eric, stop teasing.

Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you, and that I am sorry you are not a man!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street

j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

So, looks like I'm gonna have to spend the weekend with Kelso...

Tutor him in math.



So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math.

Yes, sir.

Are you good in math?

What's the square root of "X"?

I really can't answer that. Aha!

No. See, "X" is a variable, so until you define its parameters, the only possible answer is a variable, or "X" if you prefer.

Is that right?

Sounds good.

Will Michael's parents be home?


Are they as dumb as he is?

I can't lie. Yes.

Yes, they are.

Right answer. That was a trick question.

I know they're dumb.


I can go? You can go...

But I'll be watching the news.

And if anything is vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, "X" is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

So, anyway, Jackie's having trouble in school stuff and I thought I should stay with her this weekend, tutor her in, you know, stuff.


I'm sorry, honey, I can't concentrate when your father's robe is open.

Leave me alone. I'm ventilating.

Okay. See you Sunday.

Genie, I'm home.

Hello, Genie Jackie.

Hello, Master Major Michael. How was your day?

Pretty good, pretty good. But I'm starving.

I've been on the moon all day and I missed lunch.

I can fix that.

Damn, I love having a genie.

Well, let's eat.

Okay, unless you're hungry for something besides food, Master.

Actually, I've been having a little problem in this department lately.

Not anymore.

You're the best genie ever!

Hello? Pam?

I'm back!

You know, Red, with the house empty this weekend, it might be a nice opportunity for a little romance.


Is that, "Uh-huh, my passion burns for you" or, "Uh-huh, you're as exciting as an old hat"?

Well, what kind of old hat?

How about a hat that's about to be super PO'ed?

Then the passion one.

Okay. I'm gonna sneak some beer out of the fridge. You go be lookout.

You can count on me.

Hyde, the Formans are home.

A little late, Fez.

It's funnier this way.

Okay, you two, out.

Here, you can each have a Snack Pack.

Thank you, Mrs. Forman. Thank you, Mrs. Forman.

Ooh. Chocolate.

Okay, Kitty.

I'm gonna cook you a romantic dinner.

So, you go put on something pretty and I'll warm up the toaster oven.

Oh, wow! Dinner from the toaster oven.

Well, whoop-de-do. I'll put on my fancy dress.

Okay. I'm gonna work on Plan B. Oh, I would.

This place is awesome.

I know. There's gotta be, like, 17 pillows on this bed.

What's this?

Oh, my God. It's a tiny fridge...

With, like, a million bottles of tiny liquor.

And tiny cookies.

Oh, yeah? Well, in there, tiny shampoo and tiny soap.

Donna, I think elves work here.

I feel so classy.

I'm stealing all of it.

Look, Pam, I'm really sorry about what happened...


I must have the flu or something.

It's not like any flu I've ever heard of.

Well, there's lots of kinds of flu, Pam!

I'm sorry.

Oh, well. Don't take it so hard.

Oops. Sorry.

Look, just don't tell anybody, okay?

Oh, Flopsy...

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I'm gonna tell everybody.

Hey, Eric.

Do you know that if you mix Kahlua and Scotch, it tastes just like Dr Pepper?

You're cute.


I think you're cute, too...

And a little drunk.

Which is gonna make my job a whole lot easier.

What's that?

I guess the guy next door thinks we're being too loud.

Oh, yeah? What...

Oh, my God. He just pounded right back.

Okay. You know what? Let's just be quiet.

But then he wins, Eric.

We need to get the last pound.

See? We won.

We're not gonna take crap. We're gonna give it 'cause we're fearless.

Oh, my God. He's at the door.

Okay, you know what? I think I have a little fear.

So, let's just be really quiet and pretend we're not here, and maybe he'll just think we're not here.

Okay. Okay.

Will you cut it out?

Okay, look, just stay in here and shush. Okay.

Eric! Dad.

Hey, it's Big Red.

Son of a bitch!

What the hell are you doing here?

Wait. What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. Who are you with?

Your mother, you dumb ass.

Okay. I'm gonna make a deal with you.

I never saw you. I don't know you're here.

Wait. So we're good?

No, no, you're getting your ass kicked on Monday.

But for now, you shut up and stay here.

If your mother sees you, my fun time is over.

Oh, this is just awful!

Oh. No, hey, cheer up.

I've been in trouble with Red before. It's okay.

No, it's not that.

It's just seeing your dad reminded me of my dad.

Your dad's going away on nice weekends and having fun, and my dad's out of work and sad.

Plus your robe's not completely closed, and that reminds me of him, too.

Okay, okay, you know what?

Let's turn that frown upside down.

That's right.

Let's have super-hot sex, baby.

And by super-hot sex, I mean...

Let's talk about your sad feelings.

Okay, Jackie, I have some really terrible news about Kelso that will make us both laugh a lot.

Yeah, I already know. Pam Macy made this big announcement in gym.

Jackie, this is where we both laugh a lot.

Actually, Fez, I don't find it that funny.

I kind of feel sad for him.

But you hate him. He totally screwed you over.

Yeah, but he's grown up a lot since then.

And he suffered, and I'm over it by now.

Poor Michael.

Poor Michael?

Well, I see I have wasted my time talking to you.

Good day, miss.

Wait, Fez. I said, good day.

What should we do with all of this time alone?

I'll get that. I ordered you a special surprise. Ta-da!


Donna is my surprise?

Donna? What the heck are you doing here...


What the heck?

Mrs. Forman, Eric is being a jerk, and I wanted to talk to my mum, but since she's not here, can I talk to you?

Eric's here, too?

What on earth is going on?

What the heck?

Red, what is going on here?

Oh, I'm just as surprised as you...

Oh, all right!

Eric and Donna are the noisy people next door.

And you didn't tell me?

Hello, Mummy?

I'm sad!

Donna, where have you...

Your mother kicked me out.

Oh, no.

I said no.

Guys, I got to tell you something.

I'm omnipotent.


This does taste like Dr Pepper.

Told you.

Hey, you know what? I think I might puke.

Oh, no, no.

No, honey, nobody gets sick in Mr. and Mrs. Forman's room.

You know, it is a lovely room.

Red just saw the brochure on the counter, and then he whisked me up and he brought me here.

It was very Humphrey Bogart.

Eric did the same thing for me.

Sometimes he's really sweet. Mmm-hmm.

Do you have a bucket?

Room service!

Honey, honey, pretty girls do not throw up.

Oh, no, no. No, no. I didn't order this.

Oh, it was ordered by a Mr. Red Forman.

Oh, my gosh. This must have been his surprise.

Flowers, champagne.


The most expensive nut, you know.

Oh, dear, sweet Red. I have to go see him. Are you feeling better?

No. Okay, good. Nighty-night.

Why is everything doing that?

Hey, Michael.

I heard what happened with Pam. And I want you to know that according to Cosmopolitan magazine, you're not a freak.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

They say that lots of times when it happens to a guy, it's not that he can't, it's just that he secretly doesn't want to.

Okay, not to criticize, but Cosmo's never seen Pam Macy naked.

Michael, just think about it. Do you like Pam?

I like parts of her.

Well, maybe that's not enough.

And maybe your body's mature enough to realize that, even if your brain isn't.

Okay, well, you know...

If this is about maturity, then I want nothing to do with it.

Look, Michael, don't worry, okay?

When you find the girl you're meant to be with you'll be able to do all the stuff you want. I promise.

I hope you're right.

Thanks, Jackie.

I'm back. What?

Nothing. Good hug!


But it's my room.

Love you, sweetie.


Donna, are you there?

Donna, please open the door, please.

Great. I'm locked out of both rooms.

Well, at least I don't have any pants!

I want you to open that door right now.

Our daughter's in there, and she's drunk.

I really shouldn't be doing this.

Okay. Then I'll just sue you. Until you're dead.

You get off my daughter! Bob! What the hell?


Ooh, Kitty, what a pretty nightgown.

Thank you, Midge.

Could you hand it to me, please?

Look, I'm sorry about getting all tipsy last night.

Oh, no, please, I'm sorry.

The fight was all my fault.

Fight? We had a fight?


What did you do? Nothing.

Obviously you did something.

I want to know what it is, in case I'm still mad about it.

Well, okay.

I said that you were the most beautiful girl in the world, and then you got all mad and said, "Get bent."

Not your finest hour, but I still love you.

Wow. You must be really upset about this.


Kind of, yeah.

Come on, Eric. Let's turn that frown upside down.

That's right. Let's have super-hot sex, baby.

Oh, crap.

Well, Genie Jackie, I am in the mood for some hot master-genie loving.

Oh, I'm sorry, Master Major Michael.

But what we are going to have is a warm master-genie friendship.

In fact, I am the master now, and you are the genie.

Except you will not have any genie powers.

You will just do as I say.

Now, do my math homework, Genie.