That '70s Show S3E17 Script

Kitty's Birthday (That's Today?!) (2001)

Wow, Hyde, I can't believe it.

Your own set of wheels.

Yup. She is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, except for that one time Kelso swallowed that fishhook.

That was pretty cool, too.

Yeah, that was one magic trick I could never get right.

All right, Hyde. This car is fine, but, I mean, it's no Vista Cruiser.

How many miles are you getting to the gallon?

Uh, about 11.

Damn. Okay, fine, but, you know, the Vista Cruiser can seat eight...

Nine if someone sits on the stain.

Yeah, okay, Forman, but do you have any idea how many chicks I can fit in the flatbed?

Thirty-two, and that's with big Rhonda.

Damn!

Eww!

Oh, hello.

What are you doing back there, Fez?

I... I was...

I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.

Fez, this isn't your car.

Foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.

Shut up.

Isn't he cute?

Fezzy, I told you, you don't have to try and impress me anymore.

I'm your girlfriend now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Caroline.

From now on, I will be totally honest.

Good. Now, come on. Walk me home.

Ah, yes, and on the way, I could tell you about the time I killed a shark with a coconut.

All right, Kelso, let's go out cruising for hot chicks with self-esteem problems.

Yeah. No, thanks, man.

I don't do that stuff anymore.

Shut up and come on.

No, man, I mean it.

I've matured.

Hey, Donna, wanna go to the mall?

Rerun from What's Happening!!

Is opening up the new Dairy Queen.

Actually, Jackie, as fun as that sounds, um... no.

What?

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm in!

Okay, well, let me get my beret and some Certs with Retsyn.

Cool.

Wait a second, man. You're too mature to go cruising with me, but you'll go to the mall with Jackie?

It's this new thing we're trying, man. We're friends.

See, I did some reflecting, and I realized that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.

Today?

No. Every day.

See, we were meant to be together.

She just doesn't know it yet.

Yeah, but I have a plan.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

See, she wants to be just friends, right?

Okay, so I'll be her friend, but what she doesn't realize is that I'm also a boy.

Yeah, and sooner or later, "friend" is gonna lead down the path to "boy," and then I'll be her "friend-boy."

That is a great plan.

Okay, I'm ready. Hey.

Let's go, friend.

Okay.

That is such a bad plan.

Yeah, but, you know, on the bright side, maybe we'll be there when it all blows up in his face.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, Mrs. Forman.

Happy birthday.

Oh!

I can't believe you remembered.

You are the first person to say anything all day.

And how did you know I needed more flashbulbs?

Thank you.

So, do you want to stay for dinner?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm just gonna grab a sandwich.

A sandwich?

Steven, a sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.

Oh, well, thanks, Mrs. Forman.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Mom. What's for dinner? I'm starving.

Manwiches.

Again?

Aah! We just had those.

Kitty, I left my shirt on the bed.

It needs to be ironed for tomorrow.

Okay. Oh, and, uh...

I know you think I forgot, but I didn't.

Oh, Red, I knew you'd remember.

Yup.

The check for the plumber is on the dresser.

Oh. Good.

Um...

Is there anything else to eat?

Well, you know what, honey?

I don't give a good gosh darn what you eat!

Wow. She's really upset.

Yeah. Nice going.

See, the boatneck adds dimension to your shoulders, and the plum color, that really accents your jewel-toned eyes.

Oh, my God.

Michael, you just described my perfect outfit.

You are so good at this.

Yeah, I have a knack for ensembles.

Hey, Hyde.

How goes the cruisin' for chicks?

It was going fine until I hit a patch of ice and almost took out a few of 'em.

Big Rhonda cracked my brake light.

Hi.

Hey.

Have you seen Fez?

Uh...

No. He went bowling with his host parents.

Damn him!

I'm sorry.

I was just hoping he'd be here so we could study together.

Now I have to walk home alone in the dark.

It's scary out there.

Somebody ran over big Rhonda.

Um, do you want a... Okay!

You know, Michael, I'm really enjoying our time together.

Really? Me, too.

Yeah, you know, the makeup, shopping, braiding each other's hair...

You are like the girlfriend I never had.

Well, thanks, Jackie.

Wait... girlfriend?

Yeah, I mean, Donna's nice and everything, but she kind of dresses like a trucker.

The Waltons...

Now, there's a grateful family.

Hmm.

And, boy, did they love their mother.

Oh, great.

I think I've got athlete's foot.

I am... I am... I am going to bed.

Where'd your mother go?

To bed.

Hey, what's wrong with her, anyway?

Oh, who knows?

She's been moody all day.

Let me see the TV Guide.

Let's see. What day is it?

Ahh!

It's the 13th. You know, it seems to me I was supposed to do something on the 13th.

Oh, good Lord!

You forgot your mother's birthday!

Oh, no, Dad. This is bad.

This is very, very bad.

All right.

Don't start getting all twitchy.

Now, we gotta think.

Let's watch CHiPs and think.

So, Fez is really nice, huh?

Yeah. Fez is a good guy.

Yeah.

You know, sometimes, when I'm trying to sleep at night, I think about how much it would hurt if he ever left me.

And then I say Fez would never leave me.

But then I say we've only been going out a short time.

Maybe he would leave me.

So then I hold my breath until my lungs are about to explode, because that's how much I think it would hurt if he ever did leave me.

And then, when I regain consciousness...

I start breathing again, and everything's fine.

Oops! There's my house. Thanks. Bye.

See ya.

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Oh, you remembered.

Well, of course we remembered, honey.

We just figured that we'd wait until there was only 15 minutes left in the day and you were good and mad and then we'd sneak up here and surprise the hell out of you.

Wow. What a good plan, 'cause I was awfully mad.

Yeah. We really had you going.

Here, Mom. Open this one first.

It's from me.

Well, thank you, honey.

Oh.

A map of Wisconsin.

Oh, well, thank you.

And, Mom, I got you these balloons, too.

"Knock out the knock knocks at Schiffy's Gas-n-Go."

Huh.

Wait, Kitty, there's more.

A funnel.

'Cause I know how much you like to pour things.

Well, um...

Either these gifts are really thoughtful, or you bought a bunch of crap at the gas station.

What?

Oh, admit it, Red Forman.

You forgot my birthday.

Quick, Dad, give her the lighter.

Look, Kitty, I'm sorry, but... it's just...

Well, marking the calendar is your responsibility.

Dad, no!

Ah, good morning, sunshine!

So, what's for breakfast?

A funnel.

Ow.

I mean, what the heck makes Jackie think I'm her girlfriend?

All I did was pick out a few of her outfits, paint her nails, and give her a facial.

Gee, I don't know, Denise.

Um, guys, can we go inside?

I'm freezing my choo-choos off.

No way.

I'm not going in there.

I forgot my mom's birthday.

Really? 'Cause I remembered your mom's birthday.

If you remembered, why didn't you tell me?

How would that be funny?

I will never have to worry about forgetting Caroline's birthday.

She wrote it on my arm with permanent marker.

Isn't she sweet?

More like psycho.

What are you doing calling my girlfriend psycho?

Oh, I'm sorry, Fez. Did I say psycho?

I meant nutbag, headcase, whackadoo.

She chokes herself, man!

Well, Hyde, maybe... Maybe you should...

Maybe you should choke yourself!

Good day.

Fez...

I said good day!

Man, what fun is it being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?

So what, Kelso? So you're her girlfriend.

What could possibly be so bad about that?

I'll... I'll tell you what could be so bad.

Oh, Michael.

This is the happiest day of my life.

Thank you so much for being my maid of honor.

That's what girlfriends do.

I'm just honored you asked me.

Yeah, but...

You know, on the flip side, try to think about your life without Jackie at all.


Wow.

That's even worse.

Hey, girlfriends sometimes make out together, right?

Yeah. Usually right after long, sweaty pillow fights.

Yeah, man, it happens all the time.

All right!

Hey, Mrs. Forman.

Is Eric home?

Eric?

Oh, you mean my son the map giver.

I don't know, and I don't care.

Mrs. Forman, are you okay?

Oh, I am just freakin' fine!

What happened?

Well, you know I love my family.

It's just sometimes I want to get in the car and run 'em all over.

They forgot my birthday.

I'm gonna go kick Eric's ass right now!

No.

I mean, it's one thing when they don't notice when I get my hair done differently, which they don't...

But this is my birthday.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I expect too much.

No, Mrs. Forman, you have every right to be mad.

In fact, you should be madder.

You're, like, the best mom in the world.

Yeah.

Thank you, Donna.

I just wish my own family would say that once in a while.

Oh, sweetie, that's not your breakfast, is it?

Yeah.

Oh.

Why don't you just let me make you some nice waffles instead?

Oh, cool. I love frozen waffles.

Oh, honey, no, no, no, no.

I make my waffles from scratch.

Those bastards!

God, would you look at her boobs?

I am.

And it's... it's... Disgusting.

I mean, what is she thinking, packing in those sweet melons like that?

I can't even look away.

You know, Michael, I have to say I'm really enjoying our new friendship together.

I love spending time with you.

Me, too. Hey, do you want to go back to your house and have a nice, sweaty pillow fight?

Okay!

Hello, Caroline.

Oh, hi, Fez.

So, hey, listen. Just curious, um...

Do you sometimes choke yourself?

Yeah, but I only do it because I love you more than anything in the world.

Okay, I'm good with that.

I'll get you a soda, lover.

Don't forget to breathe while I'm gone.

Hey, so how's it going with mental Mary?

I owe you an apology, Hyde.

She is crazy.

But she's crazy for me.

Ooh! Here she comes.

Oh, my God. She didn't even look at us.

I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?

Not since she stopped drinking.

What?

Nothing.

Look, obviously your mother's very upset about something...

And desperate times call for desperate measures.

For the last 10 years, she's been asking us to do something, and every time, we say no, because what she wants is the most horrible thing in the world.

I won't do it.

Oh, you will do it.

And you will like it!

I can't believe we're finally square-dancing.

Oh, this is so much fun!

Looks like Hee Haw puked in here.

Come on, honey. Let's dance!

Oh, my God. This is awful.

She made me waffles.

Now promenade, you son of a bitch!

j& Bow to your partner, corners, all j& Circle to the left all around that hall j& Circle to the left all around you go j& When you're there, you'll meet j& Do an allemande left with your corner mate j& Do-si-do with your partner there j& Then star by the left in the middle j& Go all the way around and then

j& Star promenade, go around that town j& Then when you're there then you backtrack j& Go the other way around j& Meet a partner, turn a partner by the right hand round j& Do an allemande left walk right in through j&

Whee hee!

So, Mom...

We found this present we just had to get you.

So... Happy birthday.

Oh, I thought square-dance night was my present.

It is, but we really messed up this year, and, well, we're sorry.

Oh!

"World's darn-tootinest Mom."

Do you really think so?

You're darn tootin'.

Okay, well...

I think I've had enough do-si-dos for one night, so what do you say we all go home and have hot fudge sundaes?

Thank God! Yes.

Bastards.

Valentine's Day. Check.

Anniversary.

Check.

Mother's Day.

Check.

Well, I think we got 'em all.

Uh, Dad, we forgot her birthday again.

Damn it, Eric! Pay attention.

Valentine's Day.

Check.

Anniversary.

Check.

Mother's Day. Check.