That '70s Show S3E18 Script

The Trials of M. Kelso (2001)

So if "x" equals seven, then "y" equals...


Wrong. Kelso?


Also wrong. It's a pretty simple equation, guys.

Just think about it for a second.

You're so pretty.

You don't even need to know math.

That's so weird. I was just thinking the same thing.

Steven, you're so pretty, you don't need to know nothing.

That's good, 'cause I'm stupid.

Real mature, guys.

Fez, what happened?

I was walking back from the pep rally, flush with school spirit when some boys from Fort Anderson, they jumped me, and they slapped me, and they beat me.

And look at what they did to my pom-poms.

Hey, that's not funny, man.

It's really not.

They spray-painted me on my ass.

I want revenge against those Fort Anderson Snapping Turtles.

Look, Fez, I'll tell you what.

Let's go to the garage and I'll get you some paint thinner.


I'm sorry, Fez. It has to be done.

Yeah, and the three of us have to watch.

Fine. But this time, no smoking.

Great. Now maybe we can get some work done.

Michael's so sweet.


He's just so... No!

Do you think that Michael and I...

Don't even say it, Jackie.

I think maybe...

I'll kill myself, I swear to God.

He and I should get back together.

Jackie, do you remember how Kelso cheated...

And hurt you, and lied to you?

Listen to yourself, Donna.

"Cheat-ed. Hurt-ed. Lie-duh."

It's all ancient history.

But when we look into each other's eyes...

I know we're both thinking about the same thing.

Your hair?

No. That we're meant to be together.

Look, I need to know that he's really changed.

I need to test him somehow.

I agree. You do?


If you get back with Kelso, you better have him tested.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay. I want to see if Michael is ready to be in a healthy, adult relationship.

So I've come up with five psychological tests.

Damn, Jackie. He can't even spell "psychological."

Look, besides, he only has to get three out of five.

And the first test is on maturity.

Oh, man.

So we're trying to get the paint off of Fez's butt, right?

And so I started to spray lighter fluid on it.

And Fez gets all mad, right?

And then he started chasing me, but he had his pants around his ankles.

So then he tripped and fell, and I think he hurt himself but I don't know, 'cause I was, like, out of there.

So what's going on with you guys?

Donna and I were discussing our careers.

I'm going into high-end cosmetics and Donna thinks she'll make a great lumberjack.

Stop telling everybody that.

So what kind of career do you see yourself in?

Well, I was considering becoming a doctor.

Ooh, a doctor? That's so mature.

Or a rodeo clown.

Rodeo clown? You want to be a rodeo clown. Why?

The rodeo clowns are the unsung heroes of the new West.

And you know I've always enjoyed being inside of barrels.

Cheese puffs!

Well, see, they're not for you.

They're for Bob and Midge's party.

Bob and Midge are having a party?

Well, I can't go.

I'm very busy.

Wait. Bob didn't invite you?

No, but thanks for the heads-up. I'll be sure to avoid them.


Midge didn't invite me either.

But I'm sure they're having a party.

I saw them bring a keg and a lot of chairs into the house.

Well, you don't know that they're having a party.

Bob's out of work.

The two of them might be starting some weirdo church.

You know, the kind of church where you sit around on chairs and drink beer.

I'm sure Midge will be over any minute.

The last minute, like always, to invite us.

I tell you.

I like the sound of a beer church.

Hi, neighbor. I have something I want to ask you.

Oh, really?

Can I borrow your big punch bowl?

A big punch bowl?

Oh, my, what would that be for?

I should have thought this through.

You know, forget about it. I'm gonna get someone else to bring it.

And by "someone else," I mean Bob.

Midge, I...

I already made your cheese puffs.

Ooh. Thanks.


Boy, all these cheese puffs are really gonna come in handy.

'Cause Bob's so hungry.

We're not having a party.

This next test is about consideration.

I want to see if he'll choose my interests over his.

This is gonna be so funny.


So, Michael...

There are two events occurring this weekend.

One that you might like and one that I would really, really, really want to go to.

Now, should we go see the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders...

Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Yes, or...

No. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

But, Michael, I want...

No. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders!

See? Funny.

Kelso, what are you doing?

We're just tossing around this egg Jackie gave me to take care of.

Don't you think it might break?

Yeah, well, you know, we just thought we'd have some fun with it before I threw it at somebody.

You're such a moron.

You're so gonna fail Jackie's test.

Test? What test?

Okay, I'm not supposed to say anything, but Jackie's testing you to see if you're ready to get back together.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

Do you think I have a chance?

Not a good one.

You've already failed two tests and you're about to fail the third.

That egg is a test of your parenting ability.

So what you're saying is, if I break that egg then I fail the test, and lose Jackie...

The girl I love more than anything in the world?

Hyde, give me the egg.

Okay, catch.


I mean...

Okay, you guys...

Let's do this for Fez.

Finally my butt cheeks will be avenged.


Guys, I feel like we accomplished something today.

I feel like we made a difference.

I'm not done yet. Taste my wrath, Snapping Turtles!

That was a close one.

Crap! The janitor locked us in.

Yep. No good deed goes unpunished.

My God. How could this get any worse?

Okay, guys, we have 20 seconds until the cherry bomb in the toilet goes off.

Hey, guys. Hi.

What's that?

It's just this little crib-like thing I made for Eggy.


Yeah, I named him.

I don't know, this egg is, like, bringing out all the parental stuff in me.

Michael, what happened to the pencil mark I made on the bottom?

Must have come off when I was giving him his gentle bath.


Michael, I knew you had this in you.

You are gonna make a great dad one day.



Somebody needs a change.

I just can't believe Midge would do this after all the years we've been friends.

She took the cheese puffs.

All the cheese puffs?

What the hell? I wanted some of those.

Red, this isn't about the cheese puffs.

Well, maybe not for you.

They're so light and fluffy.

This is all your fault. What?

You're always mean to them.

Now you've driven them away. I hope you're happy.

Actually, Kitty, I am happy.

Them not inviting us to the party is not the end of the world.

In fact, it's the start of a beautiful new world...

A world where we don't get invited to the Pinciottis'.

There's no talking to you.

You're just sour.

You're an old, sour crab apple.

Why are you yelling at me?

I'm not the one that didn't invite you to a party.

If you've got something to say, you say it to the Pinciottis.

Well, you talked me into it, Red Forman. Let's go.

Oh, no.

Look at us...

Locked in a locker room.

Oh, the irony is not lost on me.

Why do you mock us, fate?

Okay, you guys, we gotta think about a way to get out of here.

Okay, guys, I've just gone through every escape-from-prison movie I could think of, and I came up with something.


Steve McQueen is a total bad-ass.

Okay, thanks, Hyde. That's not helping.

If we don't get out of here, a bunch of jocks are gonna come in here and kick our asses.

Why did I put a cherry bomb in the toilet?

It doesn't smell like cherries at all.

Come on, guys, think.

Yeah, yeah. Right. Gotta be something we can do.

I got it.

Much better.


Now instead of feeling scared and anxious, I feel relaxed and...


I know we're probably gonna get beaten, but it was worth it because we've shown we have tremendous school spirit.

Go Vikings.

School spirit is for losers, man.

You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity.

Pep rallies, extracurricular activities, washing your hair.

It's all just a trap, man.

Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root for a football team but to confuse the Point Place Vikings with a sense of personal identity, that's just...


We're all gonna die tomorrow.

Michael, I have some bad news.

I just found out I have BHD.


Yeah. Brittle Hair Disease.

I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and get all my hair shaved off.

So you'll be...

Bald, Michael.

B-A-L-D. No hair, shiny head, bald.

And my hair won't ever grow back, either.

Will you still love me when I'm bald?

You could wear a wig.

So, Michael, are you saying that you would not love me if I didn't have a luscious, full-bodied head of hair?


No, Jackie. No, I would love you even more.

You know, I would shave off my hair and paste it to your head.

Michael, that's beautiful.

Nice job. Thanks.

That was a test, right? Because bald chicks are gross.

Look at that.

They closed the blinds so we couldn't see the party.

But I can hear them.

I can hear you, Bob and Midge! I can hear your party!

Kitty and Red.

We're very busy in here.

Yes, we're very busy. We'll talk tomorrow.

You're having a party and you didn't invite us.

And I thought we were friends, and we're not.

And I'll tell you something else.

You're naked.

You have no clothes on. Why don't you have any clothes on?

Well, we're having a nudist party with our fellow nudists.

We're nudists.

And we're not.

So you didn't invite us.

So thank you.

Come on, Red. Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, Kitty. What are you saying?

You really wanted to attend this party.

Stop it, Red.

No, no, no.

Now get in there and have yourself a good old naked time, huh?

Who knows? They might play Twister. Could be fun.

Okay, guys, they can't be mad at us now.

Yeah, Fez, I don't think that's gonna help.

All right, here they come.

Okay, you guys, here's the plan.

Fez, you beg for mercy in broken English.

Hyde, you insist that this whole thing was a big set-up.

And I'll just curl up in the foetal position and think about pancakes.

Got it. Got it.

Oh, my God. We're in the girls' locker room.

Yeah. They're girls.

And I thought we were going to get beaten up for sure.

Hey, baby.

Hi, Kelso.

Hi, Tiffany.

I'm so glad I ran into you. I've been meaning to ask you something.

Yeah? What's that?

Will you take me back to your house and make out with me?

Well, I don't know. Yeah, I'm here to meet Jackie, so...

I promise she'll never find out.

It'd be an afternoon of secret make-out fun.

You can drink grape juice from my bellybutton.

All right, this has got to be one of Jackie's tests.

I mean, Tiffany never comes on to me. But what if it's not?

I mean, let's face it, I look good today.

That new conditioner's really working out.

All right, but the real question is, should I risk it?

And my body says yes, and my head says yes...

And my heart says no.

My stupid heart's right.

I can't. I mean, I appreciate the offer and all

'cause you're, like, really hot but the only girl I want to make out with is Jackie, so...

Michael, you did it! You did it! You passed the last test!

Did you believe me, Michael?

Yeah, sure.

Good, because I'm in Drama Club, and I really want...

Yeah, thank you, Tiffany, bye-bye.

Michael, now I know I can honestly trust you with all my heart.


Donna told me about the test.

So I knew what was going on, and I didn't say anything.

So maybe I don't deserve to be with you because...

That wasn't very honest of me.

But telling me that was.


You're right. So you'll take me back?

Yeah, Michael.

I love you, Jackie Burkhart.

I love you, too, Michael Kelso.

What the hell happened to you guys?

We got beaten up.

By men.

By big, strong men.

Hey, guys, as I was getting beaten...

I think I got to second base.