That '70s Show S3E20 Script

Holy Craps (2001)

So, everyone enjoying dinner?

Mmm. Absolutely.


Now, I want to talk to everyone about helping me with the church fundraiser.


Okay, so...

God's Magic Circle is our church's women's auxiliary, and I volunteered to help organize their next fundraiser.

And bravo, I say. Bravo.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have to attend a meeting.

It's, uh... It's very important, so...


Now, as you all know, I'm stuck in a rut.

And, I'd really... I... I...

I just need to get out of the house and experience new things.

But, Mom, I think you should... And I want your support, which, by the way, I always give you.

Mr. "I want to be a jazz guitarist."

Eric, if your mother wants you, and Archie and Jughead here to help her, then you're going to help her.

You're Jughead. You're Jughead.

You're so Jughead, it's not even debatable.

You are so... Uh!

Steven, stop hitting Jughead.

See? Hey.

This is important to her, and we should support her for this.

So, you guys will help out.

Well, thank you, Red. And you're coming, too.

Oh, no, Kitty. I, uh... I have a meeting.

With you, at church.

Nice save, Dad. Shut up.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

No, see, Fez, Bazooka Joe wanted to see time fly so Mort threw the clock out the window.

So time flew. Get it?

Did the clock break?

I don't know. That's not really the point.

It's still a pretty big waste of a clock.

Okay. Well, I gotta go.

See you later, sweetie. See you.

You guys are such a cute couple.

Yeah, I know. I really like Caroline.

Me, too. She's nice.

For a psycho.

Hyde, take that back.


You are a gifted mime.

But that hurts.

Hyde, Caroline's not a psycho. You just don't get women.

We have emotions. We're ruled by the moon and the tides.

And pretty clothes.

Yeah, we should hang out with her.

You know, make her feel welcome.

Yeah, you can never have too many friends.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

Hey, you guys, you know who was crazy?

This camp counselor I once had, who used to make everyone do turbo sit-ups.

But he'd put a towel over your face and then when you went to do the sit-up...

He'd pull the towel away, and you'd have to put your face in his butt.

Donna, you stole the funny part.

Well, Eric, I've heard it, like, eight times.

Okay, I'm sorry. Tell the story again.

I'll laugh.

But it'll be fake, though, right? Oh, yeah.

Okay, guys, I once had this camp counselor...

Oh, my God, you guys. The Petersons just got a new dog.

Let's go!

Okay, now, I have work assignments for everyone.

Red, you're selling raffle tickets.

I'm your man.

And don't yell at the customers.

I'm kind of your man.

And smile.

You need another man.

Okay, Michael, Steven, you're in charge of bingo.

And, Eric, I thought you could run the cakewalk.

Sure. What's cakewalk?

It's cake and walking.

What are you on, dope?

So, Pastor Dave, what do you think?

Gosh, Kitty, I'm impressed.

I can't remember the last time a God's Magic Circle fundraiser looked so gosh darn wonderful.

Hi, gang.

Hi, Pastor Dave.

Say, God's Magic Circle.

That sounds like an Eric Clapton song, doesn't it, kids?

Yes, Pastor Dave.

Rock on, kids.

Rock on, Pastor Dave.

Oh, come on, string bean. Will you stop the record already?

Hey, I'm in charge. I'll stop it when I'm good and ready.

And that's not because of you. It's just 'cause I was ready.

Okay, congratulations, Ed.

You win a chocolate cake.

But I'm allergic to chocolate.

Then why are you in the cakewalk, Ed?

I thought this was the line for the bathroom.

Now, don't you screw this up, I want that marmalade cake.

Sure, all right, pumpkin. I was just talking to this guy over here...

Oh, just forget it. You're gonna screw it up. You always do.

Just go stand over there.

All right, my turtle dove. Right over here.

For the love of God, let my wife win the cake.

Well, it's in the hands of the Lord now, sir.

Okay, everyone, get ready for another exciting round of cakewalk.

Would you believe she was once the sweetest, most beautiful girl in high school?

Of course she was.

A word of advice, kid.

Never marry your high-school sweetheart.

Why not?

That's it, Glen. Just keep slouching. You're not mousy enough.

That's why.

Hot as a pistol! Well done!

Boy, did I take these jerks to the cleaners.

Hey! That's a craps table.

Yep. Except here, it's called "cripes."

Would you like to be the next holy roller?

Are you kidding?

Next to prayer, craps is my favorite thing about church.

Well, enjoy yourself.

I gotta go check out the Last Supper bake sale.

Free cupcakes for anyone who doesn't deny the Lord!

We gotta win the Rock'em Sock'em Robots.

I mean, these are the most technologically advanced of all the plastic, spring-loaded boxing robots.

Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky.

Or we could cheat.

Kelso, man, you're willing to cheat?

Here in the house of the Lord?

You're coming along nicely.

Yeah, I mean, it's not that bad.

Because, technically, we're only in the basement of the Lord.

And I'll bet he never comes down here.

Yeah, good point.

Plus, what old lady wants Rock'em Sock'em Robots, or a box of Pop Rocks or a SuperBall?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they could hurt themselves.

You give the elderly Pop Rocks, and they could get all foamy and stroke out.

So we're helping. We're helping.


Bingo! Gosh, that's lucky.

That's Donna.

Oh, look at that. A carrot-top, huh?

Hey, that's great, kid. Just great.

You know, I was a lot like you.

A milky-white loser with a cheap haircut and less muscle tone than a canned ham.

Okay, first of all, Glen...

I'm wiry, okay?

Yeah, I was dating the hottest looking girl in school.

Thought I had it made.

So, what happened?

I don't know, really.

One day we just realized that she had heard all of my stories and I had heard all of her stories and, well, that's when she stopped being nice and started eating.

Oh, God, Donna eats.

Better watch it there, kid. It starts small.

A few wise-ass comments, and then they're putting you down in front of your friends.

Donna, you stole the funny part.

Well, Eric, I've heard it, like, eight times.

Then before you know it, you're praying for death.

Either hers or yours.

Either way, at least it's quiet.

You really brought me down, man.

Yeah. Yeah, I do that.

You guys are so much fun to hang out with.

We really are.

So what does Cosmo say about me? I'm a Gemini.


Okay, "The twins, two people trapped in one body."

So you're like a split personality.

If you ever say that again, I'll kill you.

I'm kidding.

You guys, I'm psycho, remember? Whoo-hoo!

Wow, that was...

That was really good.

I almost wet myself.

All right, all right. Enough small talk.

So, is Fez, like, an amazing kisser?

Jackie, don't make me blush.

No, she's only asking because when she kissed him, he did this thing with his tongue.

You kissed Fez?

Oh, my God. It was so nothing. He had this stupid crush on me.

Shut up!

If either of you ever touch my boyfriend, I will hunt you down like animals.


You're kidding, right?

"You're kidding, right?"

I'll scratch your big, dumb eyes out! Got it?

Oh, my God.

I know. Her nails are beautiful.

I just wanted to thank you once again for doing such a wonderful job, Kitty.

Well, I'll tell you, Pastor Dave, it feels so good to get out of the house and do something important.

You know who else got out of the house and did something important?


And lucky for us he did.

Are you all right?

Well, I ran out of underwear and I'm wearing my swimsuit, and, uh...

I've said too much.



I'm the richest man in church!

Fellows, these dice like me.

Oh, yeah!


And that spells "losers." Losers.

Damn it!

Never marry your high-school sweetheart.

Sweetheart. Sweetheart.

Oh, hey, did I ever tell you... Heard it!


Who ate the last donut?

I did.

Son of a bitch.

You ate the first 11!

Oh, shut up!

No, I won't. I weigh 80 pounds.

Look at you!

Do you know why I'm bald?

My body is eating its own hair!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Diamond Jim, come here.

How's the abandoned raffle going?

Kitty, I'm on fire.

I just rolled four hard eights in a row!

God is bending the laws of probability just for me.

Hey. We won everything.

Yeah, we're just supernaturally lucky.

Hey, Mom, I got some bad, bad news for you.

For every one donut I get, Donna gets 11.

Storm's a-brewing.

Eric, how could you leave the cakewalk? Just look at those people.

Kitty, how's everything going?

Just great. Everything's great.

You kids buy a raffle ticket?

Third prize is a rock and roll record.

John Denver's Greatest Hits. He fills up your senses.

I ask for one day of help, and this is what I get?



Oh, wonderful.

I started out in... In God's Magic Circle and ended up in Satan's evil square.

I can't believe any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.

Kitty, we're...

Okay, you know what? Just forget it. Just go.

And please, leave your ill-gotten gains.

I won them. They're mine.

Hi, Mom. We're sorry. Very sorry.

Welcome home. I love you so much.

Okay, you know what? Just stop.

I'm not mad at you.

You're not? No.

On my way home, while dreaming about being married to someone else and having his children, I, um...

I realized that this is all my fault.

All right.

Hold on. This may be a trap.

No. I shouldn't have forced you to come with me when what I really wanted was just...

Just to do something for myself.

Look, Kitty, I'm sorry.

And if there's anything that you wanna do from now on, you should go and do it if it makes you happy.

And we'll support you by not going with you.

Would that be good?

Yes. Thank you, Red.

Good. You're welcome.

Wow. You and Mom.

You were fighting, and then you just made up.

And you guys have been married for, like, a million years.

It fills my heart with hope.

That's it. You're going in the army.

She was scary.

Really scary.

Okay, Exorcist scary.

Fez, you have to break up with her.

Okay, you two are overreacting.

She is a little loony, but she wouldn't hurt you.

Hey. Hello, my sweet girlfriend.

We've been over this!


Touch Fez and die!

Stop it! These are my friends!

Oh, really?

Did they shoplift $30 worth of indelible ink markers and write your name on every inch of their room?

Every inch! Did they?


Did you guys do that?

No. No.

Well, there you have it.

Um, Caroline, I have to break up with you.

But why?

And don't say it's because I'm crazy. Because I'm not crazy.

Oh, no...

Oh, no.

Of course not. It's just, um... It's just, um...

Donna and I are in love. What?

Oh, my God! Ew!

Yes, we are freaky for each other.

Please, tell her. Please!

What if she tries to kill me?

You're a giant. You can take her.

Oh, my God.

You're really breaking up with me?

Is that okay?

Fez, I just want to say that you will never be as happy as you were with me!


And until you realize that, I'll be seeing you.

And by "I'll be seeing you," I mean that I'll be watching you.

But you won't know it. Except I just told you, so you do know it.

Anyway, this isn't over!


Sure am glad that's over.

One, two, three, go!

Oh, damn it.

Damn it.

All right, mine's broken. Did...

Robots are stupid.