That '70s Show S3E23 Script

Canadian Road Trip (2001)

Okay, guys, road trip checklist.

Car, check.

Okay. We're good.

Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?

The beer is stronger, and, as a result, their women look prettier.

Then let's haul ass to Canada!

Hey, shh!

Fez, if my dad finds out that we're going to Canada...

Uh, for beer, no less...

He's gonna start killing people. Okay?

All right!


Whoo-hoo! Beer!

Kelso, you're not going.

What? Why not?

Because this is a risky mission.

You tend to screw these things up.

Yo. That is a damnable lie.


Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door and you lit it in the car on the way over?

Yeah. I wanted to see it all flamey.

And then you panicked and stepped on it?

Eric, it was on fire!

Okay. You're not going.

No, no, no. Fine. I won't use the air horn, and I'll pay for the gas...

And the beer.

I can't stay mad at you. Come on, you big lug.

Hey, dudes.

Leo, man, what are you doing here?


What are you doing here?

We're going to Canada to buy beer.


I spent some time up there during 'Nam.

Oh. Conscientious objector, huh?

No. I didn't mind.

Hey, road trip sounds good, man, but I don't want nothin' to do with that beer.

That stuff will mess with your mind, man.

Okay. Let's get going.

Oh, don't tell me "Crap Shoes" is comin'.

The bag was on fire!

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Donna, Glamourella Modeling Agency got the pictures I sent in. They want me to audition.

My dream is finally coming true.

I thought your dream was to be the world's first flying lady scientist.

No. No, Donna, that was a dream I had, not my dream.

You're a weird little girl.


If I become a model, I wouldn't have to work or study or think ever again.

That's great. I mean, what's thought done for anyone anyway?


But modeling has made people rich and famous.

Come on, Donna.

We're going to the world modeling headquarters.

It's in Sheboygan.

Guess who got a bonus today.

Oh, my golly! They gave you a box full of money.


A video cassette recorder.

What's video cassette, and why do we need to record it?

It records TV.

You know how we don't get to see Johnny Carson?

Well, he's on so gosh darn late.

Who can stay up past 10:30?

No one.

But now we can record Johnny while we sleep and then watch it the next day.


And you know how you wanted to watch the, uh, rerun of Roots?

Mmm-hmm. Well, we can tape it, and then you can watch it over and over again.

Well, I think just watching it tonight should do the trick.

Well, we will watch it tonight. After we tape it.

But if we don't stay up to watch Carson, why would we stay up to watch this?

Because it's conve... Oh!

You just don't understand technology.


But I sure know how to tell time.

Wow. What a view.

Just like a postcard.

It is so beautiful I could cry.

Oh, sure, drinking looks like fun, and all the "cool kids" do it.

But it leads you down a sad, lonely, confused path, man.

You know why they call it beer?

No. Why?

I'm just curious, man.


Guess how many countries I've whizzed in.


All right. Let's get going.

We're almost at the border, so everyone's got their IDs, right?



Oh, no.

I think I lost my green card.

Damn. Fez, where's the last place you had it?

If I knew that, I would have it now, you son of a bitch.

All right, hey, Fez, take it easy.

No, you take it easy.

They're gonna throw me in Canadian jail.

Have you seen Midnight Express?

Well, it's like that, but with hockey sticks.

Great. Now we're screwed.

Ay, what if I can't breathe?

Just take a deep breath, man...

And visualize yourself breathing.

All right. Now, when we get to the checkpoint, everyone just act cool.

And by everyone, I mean "Mr. Crap Shoes".

It was on fire!


Hi. I'm Michelle Ray, president of Glamourella International.

And you must be...

I'm Jackie Burkhart.

Jackie Burkhart. Exactly.

And you're here for...

My audition.


And you must be...

Nah. She doesn't matter. Okay. Let's start.

Okay, let's do it.



Let's see the hair.


You are a remarkable talent.

Are those your real teeth?

Yeah. Great.

Welcome to the superior world of modeling.

Oh, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sure. Now...

You're going to need to cover a few costs. Of course.

Oh. You know, I left my checkbook at home.

Um, can I come by tomorrow?

Oh, tomorrow.

No. No. Tomorrow, I will be in Paris, you know, for the big show.

Okay. Then I'll bring it by tonight.

Good. Okay.

Okay. Administrative costs are $200. Uh-huh.

And publicity shots are $150.

And we're gonna need beauty supplies...

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.

Are you an agent or a sales lady?

Oh, I'm an agent.

I represent models like Cheryl Tiegs.

You represent Cheryl Tiegs?

No. Models like Cheryl Tiegs.

Red, it's starting. It's starting.

And press "record" and done.

We are now recording.

Two hours from now, we'll be watching Roots.

Well, I just...

I... I just don't see why we can't watch it now like normal people.

Kitty, we have a Betamax.

We're better than normal people.

So, what do you wanna do for the next two hours?

Watch Roots.



I'm gonna go make some instant pudding, and you can't eat it for two hours.

All right. Just act cool. We got nothing to hide.

You got something to hide, eh?

No, no. Uh, he said we've got nothing to hide.

Well, around here, we don't make a point of saying we got nothing to hide if we've really got nothing to hide.

Cultural differences. Wow.

We're all Americans, every one of us.

All right, move along.

Thank you. Cool.

Stop right there.


You found me.

You win a beer.

See? Beer is evil.

I'm not gonna say I told you so, man, but I will say this.

I told you so, man.

Beer never hurt anyone, my friend.

You're well within the legal limit on that.

But you're over the limit on foreign kids you can smuggle out of this country.

Well, what is the legal limit on that?

The limit is zero, you hoser.

Damn it.

Hey, I'd keep a civil tongue in my head if I were you.

We could throw you in jail right now.

We're the Mounties. We answer to no one.

Look, Fez just lost his green card. We just...

We didn't want any trouble.

Lost green card?

Seems a little convenient, eh?

You got us.

We're here to take over your country.

I know, I know it seems funny when you say stuff like that, but, um, don't.

No one leaves until we get answers, eh?



What are you doing in Canada?

What are you doing in Canada?

We're part of an elite high school terrorist team.

Strike Force Wisconsin!

Uh, we just came here to get the beer, and I love Rush.

Fly by night!

Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?

Me no speaka ze English.

What's your business in Canada?

What's your business in Canada?

What? Getting beer.

Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change?

Me no understando.

What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?

What's your rea...

Shut up!

Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.

Been there. Yeah.

Done that.




Are those snowshoes hard to walk in?

They're tennis rackets, aren't they?

Wee fooby dibby dooby.

Wee fooby...

Dibby dooby.

Wee fooby dibby dooby.

Jackie, can't you see?

This woman is just trying to make money off you.

Donna, she deserves her cut.

She discovered "a remarkable talent."

Donna, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

Jackie, I pity you because you're dumb.

Administrative fees, publicity shots?

Beauty packages?

It's a scam.

God, Donna, this is the most important thing that's ever happened to me, and you're trying to ruin it.

Look, Jackie, I'm sorry...

And to think I was gonna make you my assistant.

Our nail-care package is optional... Mmm-hmm.

...but if you're really serious...

Oh. Oh, I am.

I am fully committed to both fame and fortune.

You are going places.

That'll be another $200, then.


Hi. I'm Michelle Ray... I know.

I was just here.

Of course you were.

I told you to stay in the car, you dream killer.

Jackie, I'm here for you, and, as a matter of fact, I've decided to be a model, too.

Oh, Donna, you're so funny.

Now, Donna, you're gonna need $200 for publicity costs, and then there's gonna be administrative fees. Wait, wait, wait.

You didn't even ask her to shake her hair.

Oh, yeah. Shake your hair.

You are a remarkable talent.

Wait, wait, wait. What? You think Donna here can be a model?

This is a scam.

How dare you soil the pure and noble art of modeling?

I like your passion.

Have you ever considered acting?

Oh, my God. That's my dream.

Oh, my God. Oh. We're going.




Let's watch Roots.

Oh, Red.

I'm sleepy.

Can we watch it in the morning?

But I just taped it.

Well, I know, but I thought the whole point was we can, we can watch it whenever we want.

But I just taped it.

Fine. Let's watch it now!


Now I just punch "play," and voila...


Where's Roots, Red?

Oh. That's right. I...

I forgot to rewind the tape.

The tape.

This tape?

How do they get the movie onto the tape when it's way the heck over here, Red?

It's... It's complicated.

Good night, Red!


I should've got the microwave.

Thanks for looking out for me.


And I've thought about it, and you could be a model.


That's... That's nice.

You guys are in real trouble if you did what we think you did.

What do you think we did?

What do you think we think you did?

What do you think we think you think we did?

Something involving a foreign kid in the back of a car.

That much is for sure.

And now we're gonna get some answers.

What are you gonna do, torture us?

Yeah. You gonna make us listen to Anne Murray records?

Hey! She's a wonderful performer.

And you're not funny.

No, no. I think what we're gonna do is call your parents.

Oh, Red is going to kill you.

I mean...

Ooby dibby dooby.

No! We had to smuggle Fez.

It was the only way for him to see this great country with its spacious skies and...

Fruited waves of plain.

And... j& O Canada j& Our home and native land j&

Nice try, kid. j& True patriot love j& In all thy sons' command j&

It's not gonna work. j& With glowing hearts we see thee rise j& The true north strong as... j& From far and wide j& O Canada j& We stand on guard for thee j& God keep our land j& Glorious and free j& O Canada j& We stand on guard for thee j& O Canada j& We stand on guard j& For thee j&

You sure are good kids.

Thanks, man.

You know, there must be some way to put this all behind us.

We'll give you our beer.

Oh, God bless you, son.

My green card.

I hid it in my right shoe for safekeeping.

I even made up a rhyme so I would remember. j& My green card in my right shoe j& Something, something right shoe j&

So, see? It was... It was just a big misunderstanding.

Thank God we got that cleared up.

We're just gonna grab our beer and head on outta here.

Yeah, but you're not getting your beer back.


Leave Canada, please.

You leave Canada, please.


Filthy hippie.

Guys, I have to admit something.

I love Anne Murray.

She puts me in a mood.

So, guys, next time, instead of going to Canada, let's just stay here and pretend we're in Canada.

So, how's it going, eh?

Hey, you know, if Fonzie ever played a Mountie on Happy Days, he could go, "Aaay, eh?"