That '70s Show S3E24 Script

Backstage Pass (2001)

Okay, here comes Kelso. Oh, this is going to be so good.

But plug your nose, because it's also going to be foul.

All right, somebody put a stink bomb in my backpack!

Oh!

And when I find out who, I'm gonna kick some ass!

Why must people be cruel?

Yeah, because now I gotta go see Jackie smelling like a skunk.

And Jackie hates skunks, except for Pepe Le Pew.

And you gotta admit, for a skunk he's pretty romantic.

Okay, guys, I've got five stink bombs left.

Let's go ruin someone else's day.

Sorry, guys. I'm going to the movies with Donna.

You know, it's like, we hardly see each other now that she got that job at the radio station.

Yeah, you're the wife of a famous radio personality.

Go bake me a pie, Martha.

Oh, my God.

Donna's on the radio. She's doing the farm report right now.

And in pork belly news, prices have risen to nearly 54 cents per pound.

Mmm-mmm, bacon!

Pork belly prices. How cute is that?

And I'll be back at 3:00, 4:00, and 5:00 with more updates.

Until then, keep on farming.

Is that okay? I just added that. I did hit the button.

She's staying late again?

Oh, God. How much fast-breaking pork belly news can there possibly be?

That's it. I'm going down there.

Well, that conversation's going to go badly.

How do you know?

I put a stink bomb in his back pocket.

You're doing the rest of the farm reports?

Come on, I thought we were going to the movies.

Well, Janice called in sick, so...

Why do you smell like butt?

That is none of your business, okay?

Okay, Donna, look. I think we need to talk.

I think this job is really cutting into your Eric time.

My Eric time?

And I'm very concerned about your diminishing Eric time because it directly affects me, you know?

I'm Eric.

Hey, thanks for staying late again, Donna.

You know, you might just turn this into a full-time gig.

Hey, I'm her full-time gig.

No offense, you stink, dude.

Here's those tickets. Enjoy the show.

Tickets?

Yeah, I know I've been working a lot lately and I wanted to make it up to you.

So I got Max to hook us up with Ted Nugent tickets for everybody!

The Motorcity Madman? No way!

Oh, my disappointment is melting into a mixture of excitement and guilt.

Great. That's what I was going for.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin!

As soon as I saw that skunk, I knew that I had to capture it and return it to the zoo, where it could maybe, just maybe fall in love, like you and I.

Oh, Michael, that is so sweet.

Yeah.

That's me, sweet.

So, here we are.

What to do.

What to do.

Oh, I know what we could do. It.

No, Michael, I'm not doing "it" in a car.

Now that we're back together, I want it to be special.

I want our second first time to be magical.

I can do magic. Check it out.

Michael, I'm serious.

Jackie, I just removed a finger!

All right. How about this?

We'll have a special day, just dedicated to all the romantic magic you want.

That's a great idea.

But you know what would be even better? If we did it right now.

No!

That instead of one day, we have a whole week of romantic magic.

Well...

That would be seven times longer.

And seven times better!

And seven times longer. Yay.

You know, our anniversary's coming up.

Eighteen years. I can still remember the first time I saw Midgie.

She was the tallest girl in chemistry class.

And Bob was the shortest boy.

But what he lacked in height, he made up for in shortness.

Red, remember when we first met?

Like it was yesterday.

It was 1952 at a USO dance.

Me and my buddies were blowing off steam.

And suddenly, I saw her.

She was the most beautiful girl in the joint.

Hey, dame. Wanna shake a leg?

No, thanks.

It wasn't a question.

I think it was, mister.

Mind if I cut in?

This is none of your business, bell-bottom.

I think you could use a little punch, leatherneck.

Oh, you're in big trouble, Red Forman.

Huh?

I said you're in big trouble, Red Forman.

You're thinking of some other girl.

That's not how we met at all.

Oh.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Fez, what's in the box?

Counterfeit concert T-shirts.

Me and Hyde are going to sell them after the show.

Oh, how entrepreneurial of you.

Hey, you see, I figure with the original concert tees going for $15, we sell ours for $10.

That turns a $50 investment into $250.

Where'd you get the $50? I thought you were broke.

I sneaked it from your Candyland stash.

So if you think about it, it's all profit.

Okay, fine. Can I borrow $50?

Hey, you wanna see what 50 stolen bucks can buy?

Fez, it's Ted Nugent.

Uh-huh, Tad Nugent.

No, man. I'm saying "Ted."

I'm saying "Tad" too.

No, you're not. It says "Tad."

I know it says "Tad." I'm the one who put it on there.

I don't know why we're fighting. What's the problem here?

Because the shirt says "Tad." Exactly.

But the "A" should be an "E."

That's not how you spell "Tad."

No. That's how you spell "Ted."

Oh.

These shirts are useless. Now Forman's out $50.

You know, it's hard enough trying to remember this without you two staring at me.

Hey, I could hypnotize you.

I know.

You could retrace your steps. What did you have for breakfast?

Oh, hi, Kitty. You know...

I was just thinking about how much I love you.

So, did you remember yet? Yes.

No.

It was November 17, 1953, at a USO dance.

I remember because it was the most important moment of my life.

Really, Kitty?

Because in November, 1953, I was in Korea.

So I'm pretty sure that you were talking to someone else.

Are you sure?

Maybe... Maybe you came home for the weekend.

Not from Korea.

Oh, great. Now, neither one of us knows how we met.

Well, you better get your thinking cap on, mister.

Thank you, Wisconsin! Good night!

That was the coolest, most bitching concert! Whoo! That was so cool!

All right, let's go try and sell these stupid T-shirts.

God, Michael, this was the most magical night.

You know, during the concert, I rewrote some of Ted Nugent's songs with your name in it. Okay, which one do you like better?

Cat Scratch Jackie or Jackie Scratch Fever?

I love them both!

What do you want to do now? Uh...

Ooh, we can go around back and watch the tour buses from behind the chain-link fence.

Great idea.

Hi, kids. Hi.

Enjoy the show? Are you kidding?

I'm deaf.

You can say that again, Max.

Well, you know, I'm starting to come down.

I mean, I'm getting tired.

Why don't you take this?

Oh, my God.

A backstage pass. Oh, yeah.

Oh, too bad there's only one, huh?

I'll be back in five minutes, I swear.

You're going?

Well, don't you want me to?

Of course, I do.

That's why I said, "Oh, you're going, yay!"

You're the best.

Yeah, that's...

Yeah, that's good. That's nice for her.

You'll never see her again.

That's how I lost my first wife.

Damn you, Donny Osmond!

T-shirts!

Get your crappy, misspelled T-shirts!

Can't enjoy the after-party without your crappy, misspelled T-shirts!

I rue the day I took you under my wing, my foreign friend.

I'm sorry you feel that way, Hyde.

But I think that the time we spended together has taught us each a little bit about tolerance, humanity, friendship.

Whatever.

Ew!

Michael, someone blew chunks.

May I escort you across the vomit, my lady?

Why, thank you, good sir.

I hate them.

You just bought yourself a barfy Todd Nugent T-shirt, mister.

Fez.

It's Ted!

Hey, who ordered the redhead?

Oh, my God, you're looking at me.

Ted Nugent is looking at me.

Oh, my God, stop looking at me.

I'm Donna. I am, like, your biggest fan.

Oh, hi, Donna. Meet the other groupies.

This is Blonde Girl, the Other Blonde Girl.

Tall Girl, and the Tall Blonde Girl.

Well, actually, I'm not a groupie. I mean, I love you, but...

I work at a rock radio station. WFPP, "The Sound."

I do the farm report. It's like a huge day for pork bellies.

You don't care. Sorry.

Well, you work for a radio station?

You wanna do an interview or something?

Oh, my God. An interview would be amazing.

Do you have a piece of paper, one of those...

Pens. Pens! Exactly!

You are the best.

Okay, first question. Um, uh...

Oh, my God. Why are you so great?

Hey, guys, have you seen Donna?

Look, Forman, no offense.

We got more important things to worry about here.

Right. Good luck in jail, guys.

You know, I had a dream like this once.

Only I was handcuffed to Cheryl Tiegs.

And you weren't wearing your sunglasses.

It's not just tonight, you know?

Yeah, she's been blowing me off more and more.

And she thinks I'll take it, but I won't. Uh-uh.

Can you lift your feet, please?

Sorry.

And I'm not listening to your little story, so you really need to stop talking to yourself.


What is wrong with you people? Come on, that was great!

What are you, on dope?

Well, I better go. My boyfriend's waiting.

Thank you so much for the interview, Ted.

You're very welcome. You wanna stick around? I'll let you touch the guitar.

Really?

All right.

Wait, you mean your guitar-guitar, right?

Yeah. All right.

Michael, I have to say, this has really been a magically romantic day.

Actually, it's after midnight.

So, it is now officially day two of magical romance week.

Ta-da.

Oh, Michael.

And I've got some great stuff planned for the rest of the week.

We're gonna have a picnic, and I'm gonna cook for you.

Oh, and we're gonna go for a ride on a rickshaw.

You know what? You are the most romantic man in Point Place.

Yep.

You know, at first, I thought this was gonna suck.

But, you know I've really gotten into it.

And I'm glad that we're waiting seven days to do it.

God, Michael, you really have changed.

You're so different.

And we're different.

Okay. Let's do it.

Now. Whoa. I thought you didn't wanna do it in a car.

No, Michael, you're so irresistible, I can't wait.

What about the rest of the week?

I mean, I rented a tux and patent leather shoes.

Okay, you guys, come on. Open up. I've had a really bad night.

We need the car, Eric.

We're gonna do it, and it's gonna be magical.

Oh, Red, it's killing me that I can't remember.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Me, too.

But I'll tell you one thing I remember.

I remember that you loved Manhattans.

Oh, that's right. That's what I used to drink.

Oh, I haven't had a Manhattan in 20 years.

Oh, boy, that takes me back.

Oh.

Oh.

Keep them coming.

Oh, my. I'm as loose as a goose.

Okay, let's do it.

Upsy-daisy. I need to use the ladies'.

You all right?

I bumped into your butt and fell down!

Sorry. My pants were...

Hi. I'm Red Forman.

How do you do, Red Forman? I'm Kitty Sigurdson.

You bumped into my butt and fell down and that's how we met?

I'm afraid so.

Well, what do you say if Eric ever asks, we go with the "I punched out a marine" story?

And I wasn't drinking, I was reading to the blind.

Sounds good.

Oh, my God, Eric. I have so much to tell you.

I actually met Ted Nugent and I got an interview, and I know I said I'd be right back, but...

It was so exciting.

Oh. Yeah, my night, too.

I met the janitor.

And then I got to see Kelso take his pants off.

Rock and roll!

Eric, you're mad at me for going backstage to meet Ted Nugent?

No, no. I'm mad at you because you ditched me.

I didn't ditch you!

This was Ted Nugent. This was a huge opportunity for me.

So, come Monday, I don't have to just talk about the farm report.

I can talk about the interview, like an interviewer.

Well, you know what, Donna?

All I can say is that my mum never would have bailed on my dad like that.

Yeah, I know. But they're married.

Okay.

Okay, forget it.

Let's just forget it.

You're sorry. Everything's fine.

I never said I was sorry. But...

...you are, right?

I shouldn't have to be.

We are free! At last, we are free!

Yeah.

They tried to charge us with selling counterfeit merchandise.

But since Ted Nugent was misspelled, it wasn't really counterfeit, it was just stupid.

Ah. My ignorance of American youth culture finally paid off.

Hey, Donna, did you get to meet the Nuge?

Yeah, it was awesome. I was right there with Ted Nugent.

The Nuge.

So can we go now?

Excuse me! You're ruining the magic!

You going to a clown funeral?

Shut up. I'm romantic.

Nice rental, Kelso. Joke's on you. I bought it.

Yeah, that's right. It's mine.

Well, I think you look handsome, Michael. Thank you, Jackie.

Hey, Fez, did you ever pull a rickshaw?

What's a rickshaw? Come on. It's fun.