That '70s Show S3E25 Script

The Promise Ring (2001)

Hey, whatcha doin'?

Just counting my secret stash.

I'm getting something special for Donna.

Something special, huh? Oh, is it firecrackers?

No.

No, no, 'cause if it's something that blows up, I'll go halfsies.

It's a promise ring.

'Cause, you know, Donna and I've been fighting a lot lately.

Forman, you get mushy with Donna, she's gonna see the secret girl inside the man.

Now, trust me, you don't want to let Erica out.

Erica. That's a good burn.

You can't do that with Michael. I'm lucky.

Oh, really, Michelle?

Oh, I forgot about Michelle.

Look, Hyde obviously doesn't understand mature relationships, but I do.

And a promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthing off.

I'm getting one for Jackie, too.

Great. Let's go. All right. See you later, Hyde...

...alicia.

What's a good girlie name for Hyde?

Uh... Hydrangea?

It's Heidi, you morons. Heidi.

Okay, is it me, or is this not a ring store?

Will you trust me? I know a guy who knows a guy.

He'll be here any minute.

Hey, dudes.

Leo's the guy?

Kelso, I thought you knew a guy who knew a guy.

Yeah, I do.

But I know Leo.

Fine, so you're the guy!

So, Leo, you sell promise rings?

Promise rings, concert T's...

Other stuff.

Really?

That's nice. Yeah.

Okay, we'll take two rings and a misdemeanour's worth of the other stuff.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin!

Ah, the ring of love.

Just holding it makes me feel mellow and content.

Actually, that might not be the ring.

Why is everybody but Fez in love?

If I don't get some romance soon, I'm going to give myself a blister.

Well, another blister.

Tell you what, Fez.

I'm going to take you cruising for chicks in the El Camino.

And I'm gonna let you buy the gas and buy my dinner, and if we meet a chick, I'm gonna let you walk home.

Guys, what if Jackie doesn't want a ring from a guy like me?

I mean, sure, I'm good-looking, but I can't be trusted.

No, you guys are the perfect couple.

You do the bad stuff, and she tries to catch you.

She's Smokey to your Bandit.

God, it's like that movie applies to everything!

I just...

I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing that wasn't actually the ring.

You know, like a test gift just to see what she would say.

And then, if it went bad, I could just walk away.

Hey, am I talking in rhyme?

I wish I could do that all the time.

Oh, man!

That was fun, huh? It was a good movie.

It was one of those love movies like you like, huh?

And who took you?

This guy.

Yeah, it was great.

You know what else this guy did for you?

Got you a present.

"To Donna. Love, this guy."

Yeah. That's me.

Oh, my God.

It's a promise ring.

Eric, it's beautiful.

I'm so glad you like it.

'Cause, look, even though things have been a little weird...

Oh, look, how cute on the car.

Here, look what Eric got me.

Oh, my. Red, go get the camera.

Kitty. Mom, I...

Go. It's in the drawer near the cheese grater.

Mom, no.

Hush. Donna, now, make the face you made when Eric gave you the ring.

Oh, now, see, I don't think you rolled your eyes.

Kitty.

I cut myself on the cheese grater.

Oh, now, you get back here and smile, damn it!

Can you believe it?

Isn't it pretty? Yeah.

I really need to introduce you to my good friend, nail polish.

And a promise ring is sacred, Donna.

Why aren't you wearing it on your left ring finger?

I don't know. 'Cause I like it on this finger.

What's the difference? Donna.

If you don't wear your promise ring on your left ring finger, it totally cancels out the promise that you'll be together forever.

Wait. That's what I promised?

Hey, ladies.

Oh, nice ring, Donna.

Jackie, let me see yours.

I don't have one. Oh, no, of course not.

Because Kelso has not given you one yet.

I mean, ever. I mean...

Look away.

Donna, did you hear that?

Michael's giving me a promise ring.

Yeah, that's great. I wonder how he's gonna give it to me.

I hope he hides it in food.

I told him if he ever gives me something nice, he should put it in food.

It's classy.

All right, man, be cool.

These chicks are checking us out.

Cool. Got you.

Hello, ladies.

No, man, that's not how you do it.

You got to be aloof.

Did you just call me a "loof"?

Because if so, I'll have to kick you in your 'nads.

No, man. Aloof.

Distant.

Zen.

That's not what "loof" means in my language.

Look, I don't care what you think it means. That's what it means here.

You're the loof.

Fez, it's not... I said loof!

Hey, sweetie. I got you something.

It's a gift.

A token of my love.

Do you accept it? A sundae?

Oh.

Yeah.

Mmm! This is delicious!

Uh, you could...

Uh...

Uh, you could close your mouth if you wanted.

What the hell, Michael?

This is ice cream, stupid ice cream?

No, it's stupid ice cream of love.

Oh, there you are.

The movie's about to start. Come on. Where...

Where's your ring?

Oh, I put it on a chain so I could wear it around my neck.

Burn!

Oh, super burn. The wedding's off.

Kelso, shut up. Kelso, shut up.

Yeah, Michael, you don't know anything about anything.

I do, too.

Now I don't know which fight's the funniest.

Wait, fight? We're...

Okay, I'll be right back.

Donna, why aren't you wearing the ring on your hand?

I don't know. I didn't really think it was a big deal.

That is not true. I told you. I told her it was a big deal.

Look, Eric, why don't we talk about this later?

You know, there's not really anything to talk about, unless you don't wanna wear the ring.

Ouch!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

It's great. The ring is great.

See?

It's great. So we're good?

Yeah, fine.

Okay, good.

It's my God-given right as a mother!

Oh, Mrs. Forman, that is a wonderful picture.

You can really see how unhappy Donna is.

Okay, all I know is, when Donna said she was fine, she didn't seem that fine.

Eric has never been good at knowing when fine isn't fine.

It runs in the family.

No, it does not.

Fine. Okay. Good.

I don't know. She doesn't look that unhappy.

She kind of looks like you.

I'm unhappy, Bob.

I'm just so worried about Eric and Donna.

Oh, fine.

Welcome to Let's Make a Deal.

All right, Donna, which is it going to be?

Your future behind Door Number 1, Door Number 2, or Door Number 3?

Oh, my God. I don't know.

Okay. Yeah?

Door Number 3. Door Number 3. All right.

Let's take a look at what you didn't choose behind Door Number 1.

It's a leather jacket and a typewriter, which you could have used when you became a globetrotting rock 'n' roll journalist.

Wow, that would've been nice.

Yeah, too bad.

All right, let's take a look at what was behind Door Number 2.

The U.S. Constitution, which would come in handy when you became the first woman president.

Oh, Monty, these prizes are bitching.

Yeah, truly bitching.

Now, let's take a look at what you did choose behind Door Number 3.

It's your boyfriend and a promise ring.

I love you.

Hyde, when I cruise a girl, how long do I have to talk to her before she will French me?

That depends on what kind of girl you're cruising for.

Which is why I'm gonna aim low.

Real low.

Just this side of gross.

Where is Michael Kelso? I want my ring!

He's in the toilet.

Jackie, wait. Wait.

Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared.

Why is he scared? Because you're scary.

No, because Kelso is delicate, sensitive.

Girlish even.

You cannot push him into this. You got to be gentle.

He'll do it when he's ready.

Where's my ring, you idiot?

Or yell at him. It's more fun for us.

Look, you, I want my promise ring, and I want it now.

Give it.

Really? Okay, just wait, 'cause I just wanna do this right.

Jackie...

...from the first minute that I saw you, I knew that I wanted to fool around with you.

And then, after we did that and I still wanted to talk to you,

I knew that I never wanted to be without you.

So...

Will you accept my ring?

Yeah. Yeah, Michael, I will.

Oh, God.

I know.

Hey, what's up?

So, how was cruising? Unsettling.

When a girl's in a car, you can only see her from the neck up.

Talk about the tip of the iceberg.

So where's Donna? Ah, she said she had to study.

Oh.

So everything's cool?

Okay, look...

I don't know what everyone thinks is going on, but Donna and I are not only fine, we're great.

Everything's finally settled, so...

We're happier than ever.

Well, one of you is.

What is that supposed to mean?

Look, Forman, I get what you're trying to do.

You know, you're trying to lock her up, seal the deal.

And all I'm saying is...

Maybe Donna's not that kind of girl.

Okay, you don't know as much as you think, Hyde.

So you need to just shut up.

Now, that man is a loof.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

Um, I wanted to talk to you.

Oh, this is gonna be hard.

Um...

Eric, I love you.

A lot.

But I have to give you your ring back.

What? Why?

Okay.

How do you see the next 20 years?

I don't know. I guess I always figured we'd go to college together, then come home...

Yeah, but, Eric, you know that's not what I want.

I mean, I've told you that.

And who knows, I might want to go to school back East or maybe in Paris.

Okay, well, you know what, Donna? Whatever. Okay?

The important thing is when you see yourself in Paris or wherever, I'm there, right?

Right?

I don't know.

Not always.

I mean, it's not like there's anyone else, but sometimes I'm by myself.

I mean, all I mean is, I don't know. Neither of us does.

And this ring is just a stupid high-school promise.

If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.

No.

The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together...

And then being together.

Eric, come on.

We're together now.

Isn't that enough?

No! I mean...

I mean, damn, Donna!

If you can see a future for yourself without me and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we were doing here.

And you know what?

Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all.

Wait a minute.

Are you breaking up with me?

Are you giving back that ring?

Yes.

Then...

Yes.


Leo, I need to return this.

Hey, man, I only said it was gold, not real gold.

No, it's...

Donna and I broke up. What?

What happened to the love, man?

Well, I don't really feel like... No!

If you kids can't make it, who can?

Tell me, who?

Why, God, why?