That '70s Show S3E3 Script

Hyde's Father (2000)

All right! They didn't even check our fake IDs.

And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.

Yeah. Sorry, Pez.

Let's drink.

So, fellas, school let out early? Yeah, we're just...

Kelso, shut up. I mean, no.

No, we're old.

We're workers. We're all construction workers.

Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today?


Relax, guys.

It's Serve a Minor Night at the old Don't-Have-a-Liquor-License Saloon.

You look familiar. Do I know you?

I should hope so, Dad.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey! Steven!

Wow! So you're Hyde's dad.

Well, that's what his mother says.


Hello, Mr. Hyde's Dad. I am Pez.

I've heard much about you. Good things, I hope.

Well, if running out on your family and becoming a drunk is good, then yes.

Okay, guys. Let's look over here.


Look at you!

You're bigger.

And you got your mom's hair and her sideburns.

So how long has it been? Eight years, 51 days.


Time really flies when you're... Drunk?

I was gonna say "having fun", but same thing.

Yeah, so, how long you been back for?

Well, let's see. That must be about a year.

A year? Yeah. Hey, I was gonna call you, but...

You were gonna call me? Oh, man, that makes you, like...

I don't know, what, Father of the Year?

I'll see you around, Dad.

Oh, man, Hyde's upset. Better go see how he is.

Yep. One more round, we'll go see how he is.


She is just my type, naked.

I, too, like the naked ladies.

I find them so naked.

Yeah, that's realistic.

I think I'm gonna change the oil in my car, but first, I'm gonna take off everything but my cowboy boots!

Well, sure. I mean, if you're in bare feet, you could slip in the oil.

Come on, Donna. Safety first.


"Surefire Ways To Pick Up Women."

What kind of lonely losers read this stuff, anyway?

Give me.

"Look deep into her eyes and use her name often, "showing that this conversation is just for her."

Ahem. Hey, Donna.

I think they're onto something, Donna. What do you think, Donna?

Oh, my God. I'm taking off my shirt. Stop it, hands! Stop it!

Well, Steven, honey, you haven't touched your sandwich.

You feel okay? Yeah. I'm just not hungry.

Oh, Steven, are you finally tired of freeloading?

Can it, Laurie.

All I'm saying is Daddy works really hard and nothing here is cheap.

Except you.

Believe me, I'm not cheap.

Fine. Free. Whatever.

Hey, honey, I'm home.

Oh, good. The hippie's here.

Hyde, man, your dad come by looking for you, man, which is really freaky, 'cause I thought this bald dude was your dad.

Thanks, Leo.

Steven's father is in town?

Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is.

Eric, you know something about this?

She's a bitch.

Right, okay, uh, yeah.

We bumped into Hyde's dad last night.

He'd been back in town, like, a year.

Hadn't even talked to his own son.

Cool egg salad, man.

Well, I'm gonna talk to Steven and see how he's feeling about this.

You know what, Mom? I wouldn't do that.

Hyde really likes to bottle those things up.

Good for him. That's where those feelings should be kept.

Well, what is he gonna do? Pretend he doesn't have a father?

Kitty, this is a family issue, and for once, it's not about our family.

Look, the bond between a father and a son is complex and subtle.

You wipe that damn smirk off your face!

Red, when we took that boy into our home, it became our job to see him through thick and thin, and now it's thick.

Or thin. I don't know, but he needs us.

Cool egg salad, man.

Fine. Stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. Go ahead.

Okay, will do.

Bud's coming over for drinks tonight.

Mom, do you really want to invite an alcoholic over for cocktails?

Oh, right. Okay, well, I'll just, um...

I'll make him a nice Shirley Temple and he can fill up on cheese.

You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed?

What? No! God, not a stack.

You know, what is a "stack", really?

Why do you have these down here? Now, wait, Donna.

Downstairs, you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.

Eric, that was in the basement with our idiotic friends.

Why do you need them? Aren't I enough?

No. Yeah, oh, you're enough. God, you're plenty.

It's just, uh...

You see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines is

really only interesting to me.

With the reading of the articles and the, you know, solving of the puzzles and whatnot.

You know what? I don't wanna know about the "whatnot".

I'm out of here.

Oh, no, girls.

She's onto us.

Hello, Jackie. How are you, Jackie?

Fine. I'm glad, Jackie.

I, too, am fine, Jackie.

Do I have a sty?

No, Jackie. You, Jackie, do not have a sty.


Okay, Fez.

I don't know what you're doing, Fez, but stop doing it, Fez.

Oh, no. Now I am turned on.

Oh, wow, man.

Look at all these different nuts intermingling in one bowl.

It's like Nutstock, man.

Kitty, I think we should rethink our "Don't Throw Leo Out On His Ass" policy.

No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven.

And, plus, I can't find my shoes, man.

Hey. What's going on? Oh, good news, Steven.

Your dad's coming over tonight. Screw that!

No, Steven, it's a good thing, I think.

I got nothing to say to him! Well, we have fancy nut mix.

Hey, Red! Remember me?

Of course. I wasn't the one passed out in the gutter.

Yeah, I had this weird condition where I'd drink a case of beer and fall down.

Hey, Red. Man, you're looking good.

Have you lost hair?

Steven will be right out.

Hey, man, nice shoes.

Are those mine?

Hello, Bud. Hi.

Can I go now? It's "May I go", and no.

So, Bud, can I get you a drink?

A drink! A drink of soda.

A nice drink of soda, Bud. Plus, we have cheese.

Soda sounds great, Kitty.

Yeah, I'm off the hooch. Oh, really?

So, no more boozing.

I heard him.

Yeah. I can finally see clearly.

Isn't it great, man?

It is.

I got a job and an apartment. Color TV.

Ooh, color TV. That's nice.

Wow, Bud, doing great now, huh?

Color TV? Man.

I remember when I was a kid, I didn't even have a father.

Well, well.

Who could have foreseen this terrible...

Can it!

Jackie didn't give me the time of the day.

I hate this stupid magazine.

Oh, no, I didn't mean it. I love you.

Hey, Fez. Check this out.

"Tight pants turn a man's derriere into a lady's dream.

"And an open shirt shows a sexy chest

"and an irresistible joie de vivre."


I always thought my joie de vivre was in my pants.

Okay, I can't believe I'm asking you guys this, but if any of you losers had a girlfriend, would you still look at those magazines?

Hey, I had two girlfriends and a little action on the side and I still looked at those magazines.

You had action on the side? Who?

You don't know her. She went to Sacred Heart.

Okay. Anybody here have an opinion who's not a skeevy pig?

I'm glad you asked, Donna.

If I had Jackie, I would never look at those magazines.

Unless she's on the phone or went shopping or took a short nap.

Look, Donna.

This is just the way guys are, okay?

I mean, if Forman was actually dating the "Naughty Campus Co-eds", he'd be locked in a bathroom, looking at naked pictures of you.

He's right, so...

Are there naked pictures of you?

My leg!

Hey, knee him in the groin!

Oh, my God! She did it!

So how's your cocoa?

Chocolatey good, thanks.

That's good, 'cause I think your father has really changed.

He is not the same man I used to know, and the marshmallows make it extra good.

Well, at least you knew him, Mrs. Forman, 'cause I never did.

Okay, well, here's your chance.

Maybe now you can make some new, happy memories.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Oh! Hey!


Yeah, you know what, Mrs. Forman?


Are you sure? 'Cause I kind of think you're bottling things up.

I'm not bottling anything!

Well, hi there, beautiful. And how are you?

Not good, you dirtbag.

That's what I thought you'd...

Excuse me?

I am not going to help you cheat on your girlfriend.

But I don't have a girlfriend, you silly librarian.

Don't you lie to me. I heard everything.

I was right under that mattress.

And that Donna sounded really upset.

No! No, no, she's okay. Really.

Excuse me.

My turnoffs include unfaithful men.

Didn't you read my biography?

Um. I...

You know, I was just getting to it.

Sorry, but Donna is a nice girl and you are a filthy, filthy boy!

You filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy boy!

Hey. You can't ditch me then walk back into my life eight years later and expect everything to be okay.

You screwed me! I did. You're right. I know.


You what? You know? What do you mean, you know?

I got no excuse. I was a jerk.

I've been a jerk my whole life.

And all I can do is tell you I'm sorry and hope that you'll believe me.

You jerk! How am I supposed to yell at you now?

I was gonna yell! I was gonna tell you off!

I think you should. I mean, you wanna yell? Go ahead.

I deserve it. You're just... You're caving?

That just makes it worse!

Come on, man! Give me something!

You want a beer? Yeah!

Give me a beer!

Well, hello, Jackie. Hey, Fez.

Hey, Fez.

Nice ass!

Why, thank you, Kelso.

Oh, my God. What the hell's that smell?

Well, Jackie, it's a combination of musk and a little thing I like to call "Fez."

Whoa, Fez! What are you doing?

Showing off my joie de vivre.

You like? No!

So, what? This was all a waste?

The pants, the chest, the manly smell, the "Jackie, hello, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie"?


Not worthless, hilarious.

Okay. Look, Fez, you're not bad-looking.

I mean, some girls like that exotic, grimy look.

But only the cheapest, most sluttiest girls will like that.

I see.

Damn, Fez!

Looking good.

Hey, so, thanks for the singles at the nudie bar.

Hey, hey, hey.

You gotta tip the girls or they ignore you. Yeah.

So, they taking care of you here?

Yeah, yeah. It's good. It's great.

It's a nice place. Oh, yeah.

That's nice.

I like my place, too. It's good.

It's got an extra room.

That's cool. Yeah.

So, if you ever wanna, you know, come by or whatever, you know, I'm not using the extra room.

Hence the term "extra room".

Yeah. Yeah, the rent's due, but they don't evict you for, like, three months, so I still got two days.

So, you looking for a loan, Bud?

Well, will you look at that?

A father and son brought together by...

Oh, my goodness! I think it was me!

Don't gloat, Kitty.

Mr. Wrongie!


Once in 26 years!

Live it up, Kitty!

Oh, crap.


Wow, Eric. It's a room.

Not just any room. See?

No more dirty magazines. I threw them all out.

And you know what, Donna? I don't miss them.

Eric, you didn't have to do that.

I mean, I understand why you need them.

You do? Yes! You're disgusting!

What? It's okay.

All guys are. You're a revolting gender.

You know, we really are.

But you're disgusting in a cute, harmless way, and I guess I love you for that.

I love you, too.

Well, let me make it up to you.

I could have a naked girl in here in 10 seconds.

Oh, great. Send her in. I'll see you later. Shut up!

Steven, good. I wanted to have a talk with you.

What are you doing?


I'm moving in with Bud.

You're moving in with Bud?

Yeah, Red. It's gonna be okay.

No, it's not gonna be okay.

Steven, your dad is not...


Yeah. I know, but, you know, he's my dad.

Yeah. He's your dad. Yeah.

Anyway. Red, thanks for everything. You know, really.

Hey, do me a favor. Would you tell Mrs. Forman?

'Cause I don't wanna have to deal with the whole crying thing, and...

What, you think I do?

No, I'll just tell her that, you know...

Anytime you need a place to stay, you're welcome here.

That'll make her feel better. Yeah. That sounds good. Thanks.

Ahem. So, what, uh, you don't want a hug, do you?

God, no. Good.

'Cause you're not getting one. All right.

Well, sis-boom-bah.

Sure this is okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Before you got here, I got the thumbs-up from the old ball and chain.

She's great. You'd like her.


Well, if she's so great, are you sure you need me?

Look, I've been over this again and again and again.

And yes, I do.


Well, yay, team.