That '70s Show S3E5 Script

Roller Disco (2000)

Oh, don't put Batman in the clam of death, Riddler.

That's just gonna make him mad.

God, you're stupid.

Fez, for the last time, the Riddler can't hear you.

Riddle me this, Riddler.

When Batman escapes from the clam of death, who will kick your riddle-telling ass in?

Hey, Fez. Riddle me this.


Then riddle me this.

Oh, but, Fez, only if you riddle me this.


Riddle me this, you son of a bitch.

Oh, my God! Guess what! Stop, Fez.

This could be important.

You guys, the Roller Disco Doo-dah is coming to Kenosha next Friday.

Oh, my God! Guess what!

See, now, that's the kind of thing the judges really frown upon during competition, Steven.

Excuse me? We're gonna be partners.

Skating partners.

Hey, how about instead you hit me in the face with a wrench and I black out?

Steven, this is not just a last chance at roller disco.

It's a last chance at love.

Our love.

Now, will you or will you not skate with me?

I would, Jackie.

But seeing you there in your cute little skating outfit, with all your tassels and sequins, I might be tempted to push you down a flight of stairs.

All right.

Jackie, what do you say, you and me, roller disco?

I mean, we used to have some good moves, you know, like, when we did it. So...

It would be like that, except for with lights and skates.

Okay. Um, first of all, you make me sick.

Okay. Second, you're lame and you make me sick.

Third, you make me sick and any one of these guys would be a better partner than you, even Fez.

Really? Then I am in.

No, I didn't really mean it, Fez.

Oh, then I am out.

Damn it. Let me in.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

So who will Jackie choose as her roller disco partner?

Who, who, who?

No freaking way.

How very sad. No one to disco with.

Now, where did I leave my potato chips?

There they are.

Look at that.

I left my soda back on the other side of the room.


God, my arm is sore.

Wow, Fez. Oh, come on, Jackie!

You're gonna pick him over me? All right, watch this.

Jackie, I'm just a roller disco machine.

I don't work for nobody but you.

Okay. Okay, fine, we'll be partners.

But hear me now. I want first prize.

If I lose and some stupid, spoiled rich girl wins, I'll scream.

I am really hurt!

Hi, sweetie, how was work? Oh, pretty good except for the fact that Dad's getting sued for firing a Price Mart employee.

Okay. Well, good. Have a cupcake.

Mom, did you hear what I said?


And it's just so very unpleasant, I'm ignoring it.

So, have a cupcake.

Earl is suing Dad for wrongful termination.

Earl? He didn't do his job. He was always late.

He was a complete dumb-ass.


Mom, you said "ass."

Well, now so did you. Give me back the cupcake, foul mouth.

I can't even imagine the mood your father's in.

Actually, he doesn't know yet. I got the news after he left.

God, Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how we're gonna tell him.

Tell me what? That, uh...

Mom said the "ass" word.

Well, now, actually, um...

Red, um...

You know, Mom, I got this one.

Okay, everyone here who's not being sued by Earl for wrongful termination raise their hand.

I don't get Jackie, man.

I mean, picking Fez over me? Me?

I have the three things that women want.

I'm hot and I'm smart.

That's two things, moron.

No, it's three. I count hot twice. I mean, come on.

Kelso, who cares? It's a stupid roller disco thing.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's silly for me to be jealous.

You're a good friend, Donna.

Yeah. 'Cause when you think about it, I mean, what does Fez have going for him except an incredibly sexy accent and an extremely hot body?

Okay. Now you're being a bad friend, Donna.

I mean, come to think of it, if Fez helps Jackie win a roller disco, she might rip his clothes off and have sex with him right there on the rink.

That's how hot he is.

Bad friend, Donna! Bad!

Oh, look at this guy's complaint.

"Red Forman was habitually ill-tempered."

Am I ill-tempered?

No, sir. You're like Mary Poppins.

Okay, honey. Well, it says here you have to go to the labor board.

You know what, Red Forman, you have to go in there and defend yourself.

I'll defend myself.

I'll go in there, and I'll tell those morons that they're wasting my time with this stupid crap!

Or you could control your temper.

No offense, Mom, but what's plan B?

Hey, shut it, pal.

Okay, now, see, that's the kind of thing that's gonna get you in trouble.

Now, when I get really angry, I just...

I laugh it off like this.


Oh, jeez, Kitty, that'll never work. That's dumb.

Oh, my God. I think Jackie and Fez are next.

Look, there they are.

Hey, the next contestants are cheaters. The brown guy is a robot.

Now, ladies and gentlemen... DONNA: Robot? Shut up.

...please welcome to the rink our last contestants of the evening, from Point Place, Wisconsin, Jackie Burkhart and, uh...

Jackie Burkhart's partner.


This is so cool.

Oh, my God. They're amazing.

Oh, did you see that? Fez just tripped. No, he didn't.

The foreign guy tripped. That's a deduction right there.

You're gonna lose! Kelso, shut up.

That's it. They're doing too well.

What the hell is that? It's my secret weapon.

A marble? Yep.

I'm gonna chuck it out there so they trip.

You moron, it's one marble.

Give me that. Give me that! No. No!

j& Workin' at the car wash, yeah j& Come on and sing it with me j& Car wash j& Sing it with the feeling, now j& Car wash, yeah

j& Come Sunday, the work gets kinda hard j& And this ain't no place to be j& If you planned on bein' a star j& Let me tell you it's always cool j& And the boss don't mind sometimes j& If you act the fool j& At the car wash j& Whoa-oa-oa-oa j& Talkin' about the car wash, yeah j& Come on, y'all, and sing it for me j& Car wash j& Whoo hoo hoo j& Car wash, yeah

j& Work and work j& Well, those cars never seem to stop coming j& Work and work j& Keep those rags and machines humming j&







Oh, no. They were good.

I swallowed my marble.


Oh, my God. You guys were so great. I know. I know.

And even when I almost tripped, my natural grace totally saved us.

Well, I saw plenty of mistakes out there, especially from Fez.

Shut your hole.

Here come the scores.

And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is Jackie Burkhart and...

Oh, my God! - ...friend.

Fixed! Fixed!

I can't believe it. I'm so sorry I doubted you.

You are my hero, my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero.

And you are my spoiled, whiny, skating princess.

Oh, Fez, thank you.

Yay! Champagne!

Yay! Yay!

Get off me!

Kelso, you booed us the entire time. What?

No, that was some rude guy.

So I popped him one, and then I was going...


Because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So...

You're welcome.

You wanna kiss it?

Let's go, Fez.

Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.

What's the bright side?

The bright side is there isn't one.

Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

Now, Mr. Forman, at any point did you ever berate Earl Arthur by calling him any of the following names, candy ass, dumb ass, lazy ass...

It just goes on like that.

Well, that sounds like just good-natured ribbing to me.

Doesn't sound that way to me.


Are you calling me a liar?

'Cause it's funny if you are.

Well, you know, Eric worked with him too.

Eric, tell him about Earl.

Actually, I'd be more interested in hearing what Eric thinks about working with you.

Eric? No. No, no, no.

I'm here just to answer questions about Earl.

Old, dumb Earl.

So, you know, you fire away with the Earl questions.

I think we know all we need to know about Earl.

Oh, then good. I'll just step out then. Good.

This was good. No, no, no, no, no.

Eric, just a few more questions.

Is your father ever unnecessarily angry?

Unnecessarily angry.

Well, you know, what does "unnecessarily" mean really? I mean, my sister likes to put salt on roast beef, but I think it's unnecessary.

I mean, why cover up the flavor of such a delicious meat?

Just answer the question, dumb ass.

I mean...

Good work, son.

Oh, my God. I love champagne.

Yes. Was it any good?

Great. Just great.

Hey, Fez, I just made up a poem.

Do you want to hear it?


"There once was a guy named Fez

"Who had a really cute butt!"


Well, I have to say I don't hate it.




Do you want to know a secret?

If you try to kiss me right now, I probably wouldn't stop you.

In fact, I'd probably let you do more than that.


Good God, man! Don't do it. She is drunk.

But, Batman, she is so hot.

But she's drunk. There is no honor in this.

Screw honor. Take her pants off.


Riddler, nefarious fiend. Don't do it, Fez. It's a trap.

Riddle me this, Fez.

Why would Jackie ask you to make out with her if she didn't want you to?

Seriously, he makes an excellent point.

It's the dastardly alcohol talking.

If you and Jackie get together, you want it to be real, not like this.

Honestly, I was rooting for you, but imaginary Batman makes a lot of sense.

Then riddle me this, what does Batman knows about girls?

Slides down a pole and lives with a teenage boy. Enough said.

Okay, now I have to say advantage Riddler.

What are you trying to say, Riddler?

I think you know what I'm trying to say.


Oh, you want to go, Question Dork?

Oh, bring it on, Bat-wuss.

So are you gonna kiss me, Fez?

No, I am sorry, Jackie. That's okay.

You still have a very cute butt.

Come on, Kelso.

So Jackie likes Fez. Big deal.

You're going out with Laurie.

I know. It's just, you know, seeing her with another guy just made me remember all the good times we had together and it just made me sad.

Yeah. Come here.

You know, Kelso, I guess underneath it all you're kind of a good guy.

Sometimes. Sort of.

Things will work themselves out.

Yeah, I know.

What the hell are you doing?

We can't fight these feelings anymore, Donna.

What? What?

We've been doing this dance all night.

And, oh, God, I'm tired of dancing.

You moron.

Nobody likes a tease, Donna.

I'm sorry. You're not a tease. Come back.


I'm sorry. Donna.

I guess "violent" is the wrong word.

But, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage.

Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming.

I love you, Daddy.

Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late. Yeah.

Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.


So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by, uh...

A guy in a...

Car? Thanks, Red.

So, what'd I miss? You missed everything.

Yeah, okay. I'm not gonna lie.

Mr. Forman, you scare the living hell out of me.

No offense. None taken.

That's kind of his thing.

But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing, we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.

Yes, sir. Way to go, Dad.

Damn dog.

And, Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today, in light of some of your son's responses, I would strongly encourage you to go to anger-management classes.

Sure, I'll...

I'll do that.

Neat, anger management.

That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right?

We won. Hey!

You and me, we're such a good team.

We did it. How about us, huh?

Sticking it to the man.

I'll see you at home.

Wait. But, Dad, we...

We drove here together.

And then she fell asleep and I stroke her hair.

You did the right thing, Fez, but a word of advice.

Next time you tell the story, you nailed her.

Yeah, but, you know, it's better you didn't

'cause scamming on another guy's woman, that's totally breaking the code.

Donna told me what you did, you dill-hole.

No, she's lying.

That's my nipple.

Hello, buttercup.

Fez, you're drunk. Madam, I may be drunk, but you should have sex with me. That's crazy.

But you have to, because last night I made a big mistake.

I don't even remember last night.