That '70s Show S3E6 Script

Eric's Panties (2000)

Kelso, what's with the gym shorts?

Oh.

Something happened. I had to take my pants off.

Do you shave your legs?

No. They're just naturally smooth.

Shut up!

Not to worry, Kelso. The Puberty Bunny will visit you soon.

So, lab partner, I guess you and I are gonna be spending a lot of time together now, huh?

Yeah, Shelly. And good thing, too, 'cause, you know, I just shouldn't be alone around a Bunsen burner.

That is so funny!

Let me go tell my friends you're driving me home.

Looks like Shelly has a thing for Forman.

Yes, and Forman has a thing for Shelly.

And it's in his pants.

Oh, good one, Fez.

Watch. Shelly's gonna invite you over to her house when her folks aren't home.

That's what slutty girls do.

So, Eric, my parents aren't home.

Let's go to my house.

Don't you have a girlfriend?

Yeah. That's what's great about it.

See, maybe Donna will get jealous, and her and Shelly will wrestle over you.

Kelso, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, yeah? Think about it.

He's mine!

No, he's mine!

I had him first!

You're going down!


Kelso, that's the smartest thing I've ever heard.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Are you sure you don't want to study at my house?

I mean, it's just sitting there all empty.

No, come on, this place was made...

This place was made for studying!

Well, okay.

Hey, Eric.

Hey, Shelly, look. It's my girlfriend, Donna. Hi, girlfriend Donna.

Hi, Donna.

You know, Eric, we'll do this later, when we can be alone.

To study. We were just studying.

Eric, you gotta hear this.

We were just studying! Donna, that's all.

Eric, I'm telling a story here.

Kelso was running through the cafeteria and there were these mashed potatoes on the floor, and...

She's just my lab partner, so mellow out! God!

Uh-huh. So Kelso slips on the potatoes, slides into a pole with his legs spread, totally racks himself and everybody starts throwing their carrots and their cheese at him chanting, "Tater nuts! Tater nuts!"

It was awesome!

So, wait.

Even though I'm spending time with Shelly, you're not jealous?

I'm sorry, but you and Shelly?

What does that mean?

It means that she can have anyone.

And what does that mean?

You're sweet. Get off of me!

Well, there's the little patient.

So how'd it go at the doctor's?

Well, let me put it this way.

If a horse is in good shape, they say it's healthy as me.

Uh-huh.

And did they say something about your pants being on fire, liar, liar?

No.

I just got off the phone with Dr. Leggett.

He said your blood pressure is through the roof.

Well, Kitty, who are you gonna believe?

Some quack doctor or the man who stood by you while you delivered our children?

Oh, you did not. You went out for a sub.

Red, from now on, I am gonna make sure you eat right.

No meat, no cheese and no beer.

No beer? You...

Ohh! Oh.

That's it, Kitty! You've killed me.

I see the light.

What's that, Lord? It's okay to eat meat and beer and cheese?

Okay, I'll tell her.

What that's, Lord?

Dry toast and oatmeal. Will do.

Man, Donna saw Shelly practically living in my lap.

How could she not be jealous?

I'm hot.

It's because you are decent, good-hearted and pure.

You know, a sissy.

Forman, I think what we need here is some input from Tater Nuts.

Tater Nuts, what do you think, Tater Nuts?

Eric, this...

Hey! Stop calling me Tater Nuts!

If Donna's not jealous, I mean, it means, basically, you're in the free and clear.

She's giving you the okay to cheat. You gotta cheat.

Tater Nuts makes sense.

Quit it!

I mean, I could be with Shelly right now if I wanted to.

So why shouldn't I?

Because then you would have two women when some people have none!

Forget it, Forman. You're not a cheater.

You know, a wise man once said, "Know thyself."

That man's name was Tater Nuts.

I gotta be honest with you guys. Okay, I...

I do shave my legs.

I just like the way it feels.

No! Come on, now!

Hey, Donna. Look, we're not gonna be able to hang out tonight.

I gotta go to the library with Shelly.

Okay, that's cool. We can just hang out tomorrow night.

No. Yeah, no.

See, yeah, I'm gonna have my hands full with this project that's due in a few days, so I'll be off alone with Shelly.

She doesn't wear a bra, you know.

Yeah, whatever. Bye.

Uh-oh.

Farmhand got a hold of the rich lady.

Oh. Hi, kids.

Your dad's not really a farmhand.

Yeah. It's just a little intimacy game we're playing.

And it's fun! Yeah.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

I'm sorry I had to see that.

Yeah, well, you know, Shelly's waiting for me, so...

Yeah, Eric, you said that.

Okay, bye.

He usually gives me a kiss goodbye.

Yeah. To be honest, it kind of grosses me out.

Wait, Jackie, should I be worried that he's spending so much time with Shelly?

Okay, well, normally I'd say yeah, but Eric would never cheat on you.

I mean, all guys cheat, but I never really thought of Eric as a guy.

Yeah, he's more like a really masculine girl.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, kind of like you.

Mmm, lookee, lookee, lookee!

Ribs, corn bread and baked beans.

Come to Papa!

Ow!

Papa been slapped.

No, now, that food's for the kids.

But here, I boiled you some skinless chicken.

Ew! It's gray!

Laurie!

I mean, it's gray!

Yay!

Look, he's already home.

I can't believe I was so suspicious.

He's such a good guy.

I'm gonna write him a note. A little "I love you."

You know, Michael once wrote me a sexy note.

Except he can't really spell, so I didn't know what I was supposed to do to him.

Oh, my God!

Donna, you should not leave your panties in your boyfriend's car.

I didn't.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh.

Is this your card? No.

Is this your card? No.

Is this your card? No.

Ah, screw you.

Hey, Kelso.

I had a dream about you last night.

Really? Yeah.

We were doing stuff and it was all hot and sweaty and I just kept calling your name over and over, "Tater Nuts! Tater Nuts!"

Then what?

Hey, Laurie, I found something in Eric's car that I think must probably be yours.

Is that...

Oh, good heavens, it is.

I'm in the presence of panties.

Donna, please. I don't wear pink panties.

Yeah. She'd have to wear panties to wear pink panties.

Hyde, did you have a girl in Eric's car?

No. Oh, but I did have some nachos in there.

And to mess with Forman, I smeared cheese underneath the seat so it'd really stink.

Did it stink in there? Kind of.

All right!

Well, then, whose are they?

Hello? You have not asked me.

Could they not be Fez's panties?

I mean, is that so hard to imagine, Fez in a car with a woman?

Whose could they be?

All right, Donna, here. I'll figure this out.

I like to think of myself as the Columbo of panties.

Yeah. I'd say we're looking at a woman.

Ages 16 to 38 with a five-figure income.

She lives within a four-mile radius of here and is very popular with the gentlemen.

Sure she is. She'll have sex in a car that stinks like cheese.

So what you're saying is they could be Shelly's.

Come on. Forman wouldn't cheat on Donna.

Sure, he would. Shelly's a tramp.

No man can turn down a tramp.

Well, let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?

Nope.

Sorry, Donna.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Feel sorry for Eric, 'cause I'm gonna kill him!

Will somebody please open the door so I can kill Eric?

Hey there, Red.

Does Mrs. Forman know you're out here clogging your arteries with a double cheese?

Yes.

So there would be no reason to tell her.

Sorry, Red. I don't think I could lie to Mrs. Forman.

'Cause I really, really love her.

All right, you blackmailing S.O.B., what do you want?

Sure could use some fries.

Here. Now beat it.

You don't have to be rude.

What if this wasn't even the first time?

What if there have been other girls? Other panties?

Eric, where did these panties come from?

Gee, I don't know, but there's nothing in the dresser.

Nothing at all.

Okay, but at least my closet is pantie-free.

Donna, you have my word.

Okay, Donna, please, ignore the rope in the middle of the room.

And whatever you do, don't pull it.

Eric, how do you explain all this?

Panties! Glorious panties!

Bastard!

Hey, there, Donna. Where are you going?

To The Hub, to kick Eric's ass!

Yeah, well, kick it good.

Jackie, why is Donna gonna beat up Eric?

Donna found another woman's panties in the Vista Cruiser.

Oh, no.

I know, right? Eric's cheating on her.

Jackie, those panties were mine.

You and Eric?

No! Me and...

Jeez, you're dumb.

Now, remember, we can't have the protons and electrons right next to each other because that would just be madness.

Madness, I say!

Eric Forman, you are just the funniest person I've ever met.

No, I wouldn't go as...

Yes. Yes, I am.

Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?

Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.

Well, she's crazy.

'Cause if I was your girlfriend, I would want to kiss you all the time.

Really?

Whoa! Hey, come on, lady. I'm spoken for.

Wow!

Hey, did we miss anything?

What? God, no. You didn't miss anything.

All right, people! Let's back up! Give them some room here!

Hey, Donna, hi, hello.

Don't "Hey, Donna, hi, hello" me.

I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!

Uh, Donna, I don't... Excuse me?

Yeah, I said it. You want some of this? Come on!

Donna, hey, whatever you think happened...

I know what happened. I found these in your car!

Panties?

Ah-ha. So he admits they are panties.

Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?

Those aren't mine. Mine are white, and cotton.

With a little pink rose in the front.

So these are some other girl's panties?

Whoa, whoa. No offense, Donna, but, dude, you're on fire!

You know what, Eric? I don't need this.

And by the way, your car smells like cheese.

Donna, look, you have to believe me.

I have no idea whose panties those are.

Donna, those panties are mine.

Eric!

Ohh!

Ohh!

You are a god!

A god, I say!

Um, Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?

And please be as specific.

Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places.

Ooh! Ohh!

That's...

Psst.

Daddy, here.

Red, you eating again? I thought you'd be full after that burger.

Burger?

Yeah, the broccoli burger.

Oh, you are lying!

Come on, Kitty.

This isn't food. This is what food eats.

Well, but it's good for you.

Well, if it's so good, how come I'm the only one that has to eat it?

Good point.

Hey, he's the food sneaker!

Eat up.

You wanna mess with me again?

You just come on back.

Say it again. I already said it.

Come on, one more time.

You're hot.

Hot enough to get Shelly?

Hot enough to get Shelly.

Hot enough to get any girl I want?

Hot enough to get Shelly.

Yeah. That's just good stuff.

You know, Eric, you don't have to rub it in.

I know I made an ass out of myself.

Well, you know what?

That's what you get for taking me for granted.

'Cause, Donna, I may be skinny, but...

Yeah, I'm Mick Jagger skinny. That's very in right now.

Yeah, it's very hot.

Eric, I know you're hot, 'cause you're with me.

Okay. So what have we learnt from all this?

Always lock the doors in the Vista Cruiser.

Right you are.

Man, Bob and Midge must really hate me.

'Cause right after having sex in my car, I think they smeared cheese under the seat.

That's just mean.

There. Okay, I think it's safe for human occupancy again.

Uh-oh.

Looks like Bob left something in the car, too.

Eric, you must sell this car.

Or call a priest.