That '70s Show S3E7 Script

Baby Fever (2000)

Hey. Check it out. I got my first story in the school paper.

Neat. They spelled your name wrong.

Apparently, you're "Donna Pincipotti."

That's funny, 'cause it's got the "potty" sound in it.

Hey, you know what else is a funny sound?

Where the hell is Jackie with your van, man?

I want to get out of here. She had to help her aunt move a couch.

Why did you lend Jackie your van? She hates you, man.

I'm trying to get on her good side, Fez.

I mean, this is a small town with a limited number of women.

I've already gone all the way through them once and now I'm back to Jackie.

Oh, yeah, and I love her.

Hey. Hey. So, how'd it go, baby?

Oh, great. Here.

Cool. Yeah.

Except for when I crashed your van.

But other than that, cool.

How did this happen? Jackie, how?

Michael, like I said... How?

Coming out of the drive... How?

Kelso. Come on, man. Relax.

Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.

Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works.

Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?

Other door?

Yeah, you know, the thing that always got in the way of this giant, gaping hole.

Jackie, what are these?

Uh...

Van sticks.

No. Jackie, these are not van sticks.

These are drumsticks.

Whose drumsticks are they?

Oh wow, Jackie, what's up?

Okay. Fine. You know what? I used your van to drive Chip and his band to a gig.

Jackie...

...is Chip a girl?

Uh...

No.

You had other guys in my van?

You're dating a band?

It wasn't a date. It was a gig.

Whatever it was, it was a gross misuse of van.

And you owe me money, big time!

I owe you money?

What about all the stuff I bought you while we were together?

That does not count. You gave me those things so I would love you.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right Hello, Wisconsin!

Look what I've got.

Ew! What's that?

That is Marissa.

Carol's baby.

And you promised me last night that you'd baby-sit her.

Last night? But I was drunk.

Why can't you do it? Because you promised.

And besides...

...your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.

Well...

...then I'll do it.

No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.

Golly, Laurie, a baby.

And just in time for your black mass.

Hey. What did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?

That it's offensive to the devil?

No, Laurie. You can't feed a baby bacon.

Okay, okay. What color is the baby?

Well, good. Now, if that changes, call me.

Is everything okay? Oh, yes.

We have just got the cutest little baby over at our house right now.

Isn't she cute, Red? Yeah, I just can't get over it.

Jeez, Bob.

You got your fingers in the cheese.

Remember how cute Laurie and Eric were when they were babies?

They used to just laugh and play.

Well, every time I was around, all they did was scream.

I just think it would be nice to have a baby around the house again.

Oh, damn it, Bob.

Get your fingers out of the cheese.

Ugh!

Do you think it would still do this if I stopped feeding it?

Laurie, let me do that.

Wow. How'd you do that last move?

It's all in the wrist.

See?

Hey, look at the wrist on my girl.

Shut up.

All right, let's go.

Wait. Wait, no. Donna, wait. I think it really likes you.

Ooh! I think it just said your name.

Donna.

Hey, you know, you were really good in there.

Well, it's not exactly brain surgery.

I know, but it was so cool. It's just...

I think it's really, really cool that you can do that.

Eric, you're, like, over the moon 'cause I changed a poopy diaper, but when I got my story in the school paper all you said was, "Yeah, they called you Donna Pincipotti."

It's a funny sound. "Potty."

Come on. Try not to laugh.

That's good.

Come on, Donna. About the diaper thing, I was just paying you a compliment.

What was the compliment?

That you are gonna be so great staying home with our kids.

What?

Eric, how exactly do you see our future?


Okay. Okay. That could work.

I would just like to adjust one little thing.


Okay, the businesswoman idea is good.

But what about this?


Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah. I would just change one thing.


That seems more hurtful than sexy.

Jackass.

So does that.

You owe me money.

Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.

Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van.

The shag carpeting...

...uh, eight-track...

...strobe light, black light, red light.

I hate you. Well, I hate you more.

I hate you most. Well, I hate you...

Damn it!

All right. All right.

Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is...

A divorce.

Jackie, you get custody of me.

All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.

Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.

I'm not afraid, either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.

For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.

Right.

All right, all right.

Jackie, in your opinion...

...what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?

Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him.

In fact, I bought you that belt, so hand it over.

And the shirt, too. Fine.

You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff, anyway.

Here. Let me do the math.

Okay. Now, Kelso...

Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence.

Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?

Well...

Uh...

One time, I told her that she looked pretty when really, she looked pretty skanky.

And...

And...

Hyde, help me out here. Okay. Let me think.

Oh! Don't forget he burnt your house.

Hyde! Dude, you burnt her house.

Oh, and that clean baby smell.

Yes, but when we had babies we couldn't go to the movies or out to dinner.

Oh Red, when was the last time we went to the movies or out to dinner?

Well, exactly. Who needs to leave the house when there are no babies in it?

I gotta thank my lucky stars I got the old snippety-snip.

Bob, you mean you just let some quack remove...

On, no. Nothing's removed.

Okay. That's enough of that.

Yeah, well, I guess it's okay if it means you don't have to have any more babies.

Oh Red, it was fun having babies. Remember fun?

Yes, Kitty, but it was also a large responsibility.

Or burden, if you will.

Red Forman, I don't wanna hear another word out of you, unless it's "I love babies."

Kitty, you're making a scene. That is not "I love babies."

Kitty, what's the matter with you? Oh, well, I don't...

I don't wanna ruin our nice night out because, boy, Midge, you can really melt a super pot of cheese but, um, I think I want another baby.

Really? You liked my cheese?

This is Aqua Net, the same stuff Farrah uses.

And she's got a big TV show, and she's married to Lee Majors, so, Aqua Net, very important.

Come on, Red.

Look how sweet this baby is. Just hold it.

Look, Kitty.

I didn't touch our kids when they were babies, and I'm not touching this one.

Red Forman, you touch this baby. Nope.

Touch it. Not happening.

Is this child wearing lip liner?

So, turns out my super-sensitive-guy boyfriend wants me to be a baby machine.

Pfft. What a dillhole.

Donna, I'm sitting right here.

That's why I said it, you dillhole.

Donna, the only reason I thought you'd stay home with the babies is because only every woman has done it for the entire history of time.

So don't be mad at me. Be mad at your foremothers.

Yeah.

That is so typical.

As if every woman wants to spend her life as a pampered housewife, raising kids and organizing the help.

Wait. Isn't that what every woman wants?

Donna, man...

Forman's just limited by his experiences.

As the voice of a new generation of smart, independent women, you need to make this dillhole realize that a mind and spirit like yours has more options than your mothers had.

Yeah.

Sorry, what?

All right, Donna. So...

...are we cool?

I'm not wrong. Women take care of babies.

They do. Listen to him, Marissa.

He whines like a girl, but he's not a girl.

Or maybe he is.

The thing is, Donna's really good at it.

I mean, I could understand you not wanting to stay home with your children.

You already have such a fulfilling career as a whore.

Listen, twerp.

Did you ever think maybe it's not that she doesn't wanna have babies?

Maybe she just doesn't want to have your skinny, whiny, girl-trapped-in-a-boy-body babies.

Okay, that's one for you.

I'm cold.

That must be why your nipples are so pointy.

Oh, Pointy Nipple Man is mad.

I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.

All right. That was really disturbing.

Okay. Here we go.

According to my calculations, for repairs to the van, Jackie, you owe Kelso $65.

A-ha!

Justice!

Yeah.

And, Kelso, you owe Jackie $8,265.

A-ha!

Pay up, moocher!

What? No! No! This is...

That's totally unfair!

Hyde, you suck.

You could have been a man and forgiven her, but, no, you wanted to do the math.

Man, math has never been my friend.

Wait, no. But she had other guys in my van.

Michael, you had other girls in your van while we were dating.

So give me my $8,000.

Okay. I change my mind.

I forgive you.

See, if we had a baby right now, we could be giving it a bath, we could be putting it in its warm little jammies.

Yeah. It's a shame that we have to crawl into bed for eight hours of uninterrupted sleep instead.

Come on.

You don't really want another baby.

Well, I don't know.

I only have a few years left where I even have the option.

Well, just because you can have a baby doesn't mean you should.

I have a snow blower, but I don't use it in July.

Red, it just...

It feels like maybe we've done everything important there is to do.

We saved up. We got our house. We had our kids.

Now what's left to look forward to?

Peace and quiet.

Well...

I just can't believe we're never gonna hear that sound in our house again.

Well, until we have grandchildren.

Grandchildren!

I forgot about grandchildren!

So did I.

Oh, boy.

I like the looks of that. My baby with a baby.

It's not that hard.

I heard her crying, and I figured she needed a bottle, and it turned out that she did.

So...

You think you might want a baby of your own?

Well, yeah. I mean, once my looks start to go, why not?

All right.

So how many kids are we talking here? One? Two? Six?

Whoa, Mum. Ease up, okay? I'm not even down to one boyfriend yet.

But you will be soon, right?

Well, Zeke gets out of jail in three months.

Okay.

I'm gonna go talk to Eric.

Mum,

are you happy?

Sure. What's this about?

I don't know. It's like...

Eric said this stupid thing about me not working when we're married, and I just want to do something more meaningful with my life than have kids, you know?

No offense. No. No, that's okay.

It's not like I never wondered what my life could have been like if I hadn't married your father. I mean, I...

Well, I could have been a doctor.

Exactly. Or a dancing girl.

Right.

Honey, don't worry so much about what Eric said.

You're probably not even gonna have to deal with this, anyway.

How do you figure that? Well, you and Eric are so young.

The chances are you're not gonna end up together, anyway.

All right, Donna, that's it. We gotta figure this out.

Because this is just hanging over our heads, like one of those huge, awful hanging things.

Let's not worry about this anymore.

Let's go for a drive, okay?

Okay.

I'm sorry. Do you want to say something else?

No. Just...

I love you.

Oh.

Enough to strip for me? All right.

No. I mean, I love you, too. I'd strip for you.

Laurie, her mother is waiting.

I don't care. I love her, and I'm not giving her back!

What are you doing with that?

Give me back the baby, missy, or, so help me, the dryer goes down.

You wouldn't. I would.

Fine. Fine, take her.

Shh, baby, you're okay now.