That '70s Show S3E8 Script

Jackie Bags Hyde (2000)

Happy Veterans Day.

Now, where have you hidden the chocolate eggs?

Uh, they're everywhere, Fez, start lookaying.

So, Steven, isn't Veterans Day romantic?

Oh, yeah.

Government pawns and missing limbs...

That's amore.

I know. I know. It's a day for people in love to have fun together.

You know what? All this talk about having fun makes me want to have fun.

Hey, let's throw stuff at other stuff.

Man, that's perfect. I've got stuff.

I'm in. Let's do it.

So, Steven...

Would you like to go to Mr. Forman's barbecue with me?


As a matter of fact, I don't wanna go anywhere with you.

No, that's okay. You know what?

We can stay in.

No, Jackie. Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance.

And yet you keep thinking that I have interest in you and you have a chance.

Wait. Did you just say that you are interested in me and that I have a chance?

Okay, you know what, you forced me to do this.

I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry, haiku.

My heart aches with pain.

When I see you, I vomit.

Die away from me.



Donna, never have 17 syllables hurt me so much.

Why would he want to hurt me like that?

Because you're stalking him, Jackie.

No. Really, Donna?

Jackie, really.

You are to Hyde what Fez is to you.

That's ridiculous. Fez and I will never happen.

Oh, God.

Steven and I will never happen.

Jackie, it's all right.

You just gotta get over this. Be strong.

You're right, Donna. You're right.

I wish my daddy could buy him for me.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Does this smell like chocolate to you?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, look. I'm Paul Stanley from KISS.

Kelso, don't play with the cheese.

These damn kids, they don't respect anything American.

Oh, Red, this isn't about the kids misusing dairy products.

You're still upset that Bob marched in the Veterans Day parade.

Well, he was only in the National Guard.

It's called Veterans Day, not Pansy Ass National Guard Wussy Pansy-Ass day.

Oh, come on, Red, are any dirty commies less dead because of him?

No, I guess not.

You're right, Kitty.

You know, I'm gonna put away this uniform, and then we'll fire up that grill.

Hey, Red. Some parade, huh?

Yeah, sure was, till the National Guard got there.

Look, I just came over to invite you to my barbecue.

Your barbecue?

Bob, I have an annual barbecue every Veterans Day. It's my day because I'm a veteran.

Well, I'm a veteran, too.

And I'm having a barbecue, and you can't stop me.

Hey, Mr. Pinciotti, I didn't know you were in the Boy Scouts.

Hey, everybody. This is Chip.

He's been after me for a while now, so I just said, "What the hell?"

Chip, it's everybody.

Hey, everybody.

Jackie, I'll get you something to drink.


So you're with this Chip guy now?



Why? Do you care?

No, I mean, if you want to date this guy, that's cool.

It is?

And then Steven said, "That's cool."

But not like, "Cool." More like he's jealous.

Jackie, or he just thinks it's cool.

Donna, it is so romantic.

Just like West Side Story.

Yeah, but without the dancing and the Puerto Ricans.

Wait. Is Fez Puerto Rican?

You know what? I don't know.


This will show Red. We're gonna have the best barbecue ever.

If there's one thing you learn in the National Guard, it's how to cook.

Oh, I'm gonna defrost some chicken.

Mum, the Formans have a barbecue every Veterans Day.

I mean, why are we having one?

Honey, this isn't about a barbecue, this is about your father going bankrupt.

Now help me with these chairs.

What? What are you talking about?

We need the chairs for people to sit on.

No, Mom. About Dad being bankrupt.

Your dad's appliance store's going out of business, 'cause he can't compete with Price Mart, so he decided to throw a big barbecue.

Okay, I'm still not getting this.

Oh. Your dad wants to be big shot one last time before everybody discovers what a failure he is.

Oh, my God.

And please don't tell anybody.

He's very sensitive about being a failure.

Here you go. Enjoy your burger.

And thank you for choosing the Formans for your Veterans Day celebration needs.

Kitty, why is everybody over at Bob's?

They've got chicken.


Well, isn't that a surprise?

A National Guardsman serving up chicken.

Well, he's not gonna get away with this.

Eric, chop up some onions and mix it in with the meat.

Why can't we just put the onions on top of the burger?

Eric, do you want to win this thing, or don't you?

Okay, not-crazy Dad.

Eric, can I talk to you?

Uh, not really, Donna. I got to bust hump.

My dad wants to crush your dad's barbecue.

What? Why?

Well, apparently, my dad believes that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, America will fall to the Russkies.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe my dad's barbecue is really important to him?


No, because it's just a stupid barbecue.

It's not stupid.

I'm so sick of your dad. He's such a jerk.

Whoa. My dad's a jerk?

Well, Donna, your dad's a jerk, and he's just copying my dad.

And your dad didn't even fight in the war.

You're just a National Guard kid.

Yeah, I said it. What? What?

Oh, yeah? Well, you and Red are going down.

And you know what else? I was wrong, Eric.

Red's not a jerk. He's an ass, and you're an ass, 'cause the ass doesn't fall far from the ass tree.

"What'd I say? What, what?"

Man, I can't believe Jackie chose that guy over me.

Or me for that matter.

Yeah, that's true 'cause you're a good-looking guy.

Back at you, Kelso.

Your eyelashes, they go for, like, miles.

I've heard that.

Yeah. I'm what's known as, "Man-pretty."

Bad news, Dad. The Pinciottis have these.

Red, white and blue napkins?

That clever SOB.

And I cheaped out and went for the plain white.

So, what, now we surrender?


You know, if this were an actual war, you'd be the first in a body bag.

Yes, sir. I'm gonna go refill the ketchups.


Hey, Jackie. Who's that hot guy you brought with you?

Back off! I need him for right now, but you can have him when I'm done, as usual.

Wait a second, Jackie.

Are you working an angle here? Nice.

No, there's no angle.

I just want to see if I can make Steven jealous.

So you're gonna sleep with him a couple of times and see what happens.

Yeah, I've been down that road.


Oh, you're such a child. Send him to my room when you're done.

So, you and Jackie, huh?

Yeah, isn't she something?


Sometimes, though, I kind of hate it when she talks.

I hear you.

And she's always talking.

But I figure it's worth it if I can nail her.


Yeah, you should probably think about that, man.

You know, I mean, Jackie's kind of young.

She only had, like, one boyfriend, so...

Hey, that's not a big surprise.

You know, she's a bitch.

Oh, no.

Steven, what happened?

What? Nothing.

Just somebody... And then the guy said, "Bitch," and there's nothing.

Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him.

And that's what happened, isn't it?


Liar. I am the bitch, and you love me.

Stop staring at me.

Quit it. I'm not this guy.

Oh, God.

Oh, Steven, I saw what happened. Is your girlfriend okay?

My girlfriend?

Yeah, the bossy, little, mean one you're always hanging around with.

Oh, uh, Jackie.

She's not my girlfriend.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

I don't like her. She's shallow and rich and mean and bossy.

She's everything that I hate.

But, Steven, you hate everything.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it means that maybe you like her, 'cause I kind of think you do.

No. How could I like her?

Because I don't like her. Because I can't like her.

Mrs. Forman, if I like her, shoot me.


Jackie, get your car. We're going on a freaking date.

Oh, my God. It's a Veterans Day miracle.

Red, white, and blue cheeseburgers. Eric, you're a genius.


Sparkler dogs. God bless America.

Freshly squeezed.

That's fresh.

Ah. Beer in the bottle. That's class.

The keg is tapped.

Bend over and kiss it good-bye, Bob.

Here comes the big one.

A keg? Oh, great.

Red's gone nuclear.

This barbecue is over.

Dad, that's it?

You're just gonna give up?

We had sparkler dogs. We could win this thing.

No. Donna, thanks, but it's over.

I just wanted one big blowout.

One last hurrah, you know?

Oh, why didn't I rent the one-man band?

This is the best date ever.

Jackie, we haven't talked in 30 minutes.

That's okay. Steven, you don't have to say anything.

I understand you.

Oh, you do, do you?


Okay, so you're probably sitting there thinking, "I'm on this date with this girl

"who really, really likes me.

"And she's so beautiful that..."

Jackie. Hush.

And you're wondering, "How can I open up to her

"when everyone I have ever loved have abandoned me?

"Am I even worthy of love?"

Well, you are, Steven.

You are.

It's okay, Steven. It's okay.

You know what? Let it out.

Let it all out.

Okay. It's okay.

Let's go home.

Oh, come on. I'm kidding.

No, this is, this is all right.

We can hang out here for a while, okay?


Here, have some of my pop.



Well, we've gone through three batches of ambrosia salad.

Three batches!

Not since D-day has there been such a complete and glorious victory.

Oh. Hi, Donna.

Well, I hope you're all happy, 'cause you ruined my dad's barbecue.

All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing, and he's going bankrupt.

Wait. What? Yeah.

Bargain Bob's is closing this week, so congratulations.

Oh, my God. I feel so bad.

Well, you should. You ruined his barbecue.

Why would you do that?

What? Me? You were...

Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.

Okay, fine. You know what? Fine. It's all my fault.

But, Dad, you... You got to make everyone here go next door.

Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there.

They are our neighbors. They are our best friends.

Yeah, I suppose.

All right, freeloaders. Let's move it on over to Bob's.

Eric, grab that keg.

Okay, I'm on it.

Hey, what's everybody doing here?

Congratulations, Bob, you really out-barbecued me.

I got to say. You're one hell of a guy.

Oh, Bob.

We just love you so much.

Midge, you told.

Look, Bob. I just want you to know that you've been a real good neighbor and a real good friend.

And if you ever need it, I'm here for you.

Thanks, Red.

Oh, but, I can't help you if you cry, Bob.

Don't cry.

These are tears of joy, Red.

Yeah, that's bad, too, Bob.


Come on.


Oh, hey. What's up? Hi.

Look, I'm sorry.

Everyone came by, and I know you did that, so...


No, Donna. I'm sorry.

Look, you know that I wouldn't have acted like such a jerk if I knew something so terrible was happening to your dad.

No, I know, I know. It's okay.

My folks didn't want me to say anything so...

Yeah. No, I mean...

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah, and no.

I don't know.

So, our first date's almost over.


What'd you think?

It was no worse than bowling.

I don't hate bowling.


Okay. I didn't feel anything.


No, I mean, the kiss was hot, but...

Well, did you feel something?





So I guess that's it, then.

Turns out you were right about us all along.


So what happens now?

I'm not opposed to doing it.

Take me home, you pig.

Yes, dear.

Fez? Hmm.

I don't feel so good.

Me neither.

You see a horse?

Yes, I do.

Is it pink?


This was the best barbecue ever.