That '70s Show S4E1 Script

It's a Wonderful Life (2001)

Are you breaking up with me?

Well, are you giving back that ring?




That first kiss.

Okay, well, I'm gonna call it a day.

Good night. Night.

By the way, thanks for the ride.

God, I wish we'd never kissed.

Jeez, what a drama queen!

Who are you? Let's go.

Go where?

Well, you said you wished that you'd never kissed her.

I can show you what would have happened if you never did.

What are you, like, a genie? Genies aren't real.

I'm an angel.

You're not an angel.

You don't even float. Everyone knows angels float.


Eric Forman, God's favorite cherub, come with me and I will release you of your suffering.

Don't be afraid, little one.

No offence, but are you coming on to me?

Are you ready?

Yeah, why not?

Okay, well, I'm gonna call it a day.

Good night. Night.

And there you go. You and Donna never kissed.

Well, thanks. This was nice.

Good night. No, no.

We're gonna follow her home and see what happened next.

Are you an angel or a stalker?

Hey, let me do my job.

I'm gonna prove to you that it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all, you pansy.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hyde was waiting for her that night?

I didn't know that.

This is my favorite part.

Hi. Hey.


So you with Forman now?

I guess not.

I mean, he didn't make a move or anything, so...

Huh. Yeah.

Hyde, what are you doing? Get the hell off her!

Eric, they can't hear you. Don't you watch movies?

I mean, this is pretty basic stuff here.

Well, Eric, it's three months later.

Donna's with Hyde, Kelso's with Jackie, and you became...

Just watch.

Does anyone want to watch Flipper?


Eric, I thought I told you to tar the driveway.

Yeah, but I'm hanging out with my friends.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now get your ass up there and get to work!

You people, out of the basement!

Oh, jeez. I'm sorry, Dad. Don't be mad.

This is made-up angel crap.

I wouldn't cave to Red like that.

Ah, you've already forgotten what a wuss you were.

See, it was Donna who gave you the confidence to stand up to Red.

Oh, I'm gonna show you a lot of neat stuff like this.

Well, I guess I have no choice.

Like everyone doesn't try that.

This can't be that bad.

I'm wearing a letter sweater. Chess club, loser.


Hey, I made the marching band.

At last I will be accepted by the cool kids and not get beat up.

Oh, no. Not again, guys.

Hey, I got you a birthday present.

What is it? A tattoo.

"Question authority." Cool.

I love you, man. Prove it.

My Donna would never get a tattoo.

No, but Hyde's Donna would.

Hi, guys.

Oh, hey, Eric.

We didn't see you there. Yeah, most people don't.

So, do you still live next door?

Oh, yeah! You bet.

So, hey, Hyde, how are you? Great.

My mom split, so, dropping out of school.

Oh, man. Look, Hyde, you can stay at my house.

Then you won't have to drop out.

Okay, Mom. Now get one of me giving her the corsage.

Let's roll, twiggy. My bra is about to snap.

I went to prom with Big Rhonda? Sweet, huh?

Real quick, real quick. Now, Rhoda...

It's Rhonda! Rhon-da! God!

Rhon-da. I'm so sorry, dear.

I told you he'd fall for the first piece of tail that came along.

Okay, okay. Now smile.

Big night! Big everything.

I'll make you a copy.

Yeah, I want to remember this night. Whoo!

Here, Son. You'll need this.

Girls like her, they like to eat before the prom.

Good luck, Son.

Mmm. Another tattoo. "Property of Hyde."


What? What's Fez doing?

Step away from that stereo! But, Hyde, I got the new Leo Sayer album.

Hey, everybody! I just made Forman a man.

Well, as much of a man as he'll ever be.

Kelso and Pam Macy?

But Kelso and Jackie got back together on prom night.

Never happened.

I wrote you a love poem, Pam. It goes like this, "I love your rack, I'd love to shack"

"Up with you and do it too"

Oh, Michael. That is so deep.

Yeah, I kicked that poem's ass.

It's all a domino effect, Eric.

You see, Hyde wasn't there to take Jackie to prom, so she couldn't make up with Kelso. See?

Oh, my God. That's so sad.

It's like my relationship with Donna touched everyone's life.

And I was just gonna throw that...

Okay, you're unpleasant. Just give it up.

I don't care. None of this is really that bad anyway.

Well, it gets a lot worse.

Come on. We're going into the future.

That's right, the '80s.

Hey, what the hell was that?

Oh, you'll find out.

Welcome to 1983, Donna and Hyde's wedding.

Man, did you have to make her pregnant?

Good God, I wish I could just wake up.

Oh, you may never wake up. This could be a coma dream.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Steven Hyde, from Cedar Rapids' number one anchorman.

Kelso, man, glad you could make it.

Hey, man, can I kiss the bride? Sure.

Damn it, Kelso!

You don't French the bride!

Where's the food?

Please, honey, for the love of God... Don't "honey" me.

I'm hungry, stick man.

Hey, Forman, so when are you and Big Rhonda gonna tie the knot, huh?

I don't know.

You know, I'm so busy at Price Mart, and, she has her dog grooming, and her cheating on me, so...

Jackie Burkhart? Is that you?

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

It's Michael. Kelso?

It rings a stupid, little bell.

You know, I bet if I wasn't so happy as a globe-trotting stewardess, I might actually remember the tiny effect you had on me in high school.

I'm on TV now. I've always loved you.

Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother.

He's not strong like you.

Brother? What the hell?

Well, your parents finally had the son they always wanted.

Now, Son, what do we call Eric?

Dumb ass! There's my boy.

Oh, what a wonderful wedding.

It's so nice when children get married and move far away from their parents.

Or they don't get married and stay at home with their mother, who they just couldn't stand to be away from.

Oh, God!

Hey, Kelso, man. I just opened your wedding gift.

It's primo. What do you say we go break it in?

All right!

You're leaving? I hate you! Call me.

Fez. Good night, Wisconsin!

This is really...

I've really missed...

We have breaking news.

I'm toasted.

Man, they pay me gobs of money to talk like that.

Fez, do something with your hair, man. It's making me paranoid.

Guys, I have discovered a band that will change music forever. j& And I ran j& I ran so far away j& I just ran j& I ran all night and day j&

I love to cook, you know?

I'm really good with sauces.

Guys, sometimes when I do the news, I don't wear any pants.

You know, there are some things about Earth I really miss.

Okay, welcome to your 10-year high school reunion.

All right! I finally grew a moustache.

Actually, it's chocolate cake.

What happened to Kelso?

Oh, he got fired.

Yeah, he thought the news would be funnier drunk.

Now he works for you, selling water beds.

What a loser.

Wait, I sell water beds? That's right.

Kelso, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to lock up the store tonight.

It's our reunion, man. I'll lock it up tomorrow, I promise.

Hello, Michael. Hello, Jackie.

Oh, I just want to let you know that I married Pam Macy.

She's one hell of a cook, a super lady, and I'm really, really happy.

Good, 'cause I wouldn't be with you anyway. You're fat.

Okay, Michael. When you're done being a pig, I'll be in the Le Car.

I'm sorry, Rhonda. That's...

Rhonda? Yeah.

Oh, my God, Rhonda! Hi, Eric.

I was hoping you'd be here. I just wanted to thank you.

Thank me? Yes.

After you broke up with me, I was so disgusted with my life.

I mean, if someone like you didn't want to see me then... Whoo!

So, thanks to you and Jane Fonda, I have this new, fabulous body and a successful aerobics studio.

Well, hey, you know what? I'm glad I could help.


j& Rip it up j& Move down j& Rip it up j& Move it down to the ground Rip it up j& Cool down j& Rip it up j& And get the body feeling right j& Everybody have fun tonight j& Everybody have fun j& Everybody Wang Chung tonight j& Everybody have fun j& Everybody have fun j&

Oh, hey! Hi! Hey, Donna.

It's Eric Forman from Point Place High School.

Yeah, Eric, I know. It's our reunion.

Right. Good one.

So, how are you doing?


I was pretty lousy until I saw how fat Kelso got.

It made the drive from Joliet worth it.

Oh, right. I heard you guys moved. How's Hyde?

Hyde's good. The kids are good.

He's gone a lot. Prison. Whatever.

So, Eric, how... How are you?

I'm great. I'm the number three water bed dealer in Wisconsin, so...

Donna, you look great. Oh, thanks.

You know, don't laugh, but...

Actually, never mind. No, no. What?

I had a crush on you in high school.

I had a crush on you, too.

You know, I almost kissed you once.

What might've been, huh?

So are you still writing?

Oh, God. Well, I mean, permission slips.

Three kids, you know. Right.

Well, you should start again

'cause, you know, you were really good at it.

Well, it's too late for that.

It's too late for a lot of...

Hey, so I'll see you, Eric. Yeah, I'll see you, Donna.

Okay. Okay.

Huh? Huh?

Start the waterworks. Sorry.

Come on, you gotta feel something. Yeah. Envy.

He never had to feel the pain of losing her.

Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?

Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.

I'm loose with the rules. So sue me.

No, seriously. You had Donna?

Look, we broke up. You're much better off.

Says you! Look at me! I'm 28 years old.

I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that!

Idiot! You're sad you were never with Donna?

Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her!

And believe me, you don't want to know how bad that hurts!

So, you're an angel, right?

Why, yes. Yes, I am.

Can you, like...

Can you do anything to help me?

Listen closely. No.

You know, angel, thanks but I've got to go to sleep, 'cause I have a big day of misery ahead of me.

Okay, you win.

It was better never to have loved at all.

Thank you!

And, hey, I'll tell you what. I'll make you a deal.

I'm gonna take it all away.

You won't feel a thing, good or bad.

Really? Yes.

Yes, do it. Okay.

Well, let me just remind you what you're giving up.

Hang on.

Wait. No. I want to keep it.

Please, just let me keep it.

j& You might want to sing it note for note j& Don't worry j& Be happy

j& In every life we have some trouble j& But when you worry, you make it double j& Don't worry

j& Be happy j& Don't worry, be happy now

j& Don't worry

j& Be happy j&