That '70s Show S4E12 Script

An Eric Forman Christmas (2001)

So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?

Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned 10.

Steven made his.

T-shirts.

Well, I guess I could ask for a cassette player for the Vista Cruiser, like I have for the last 80 years, but I won't get one, so, I might as well just ask for a raincoat.

Oh, so you want a raincoat.

Man, remember when you used to come downstairs Christmas morning and you'd see your stocking over the fire, you know, all filled with toys?

Well, one year, I saw my mom's pantyhose on the radiator, and, uh, Uncle "Strange Man" sleeping on the floor.

He had a red nose though. That's Christmas-y.

Yeah, Christmas used to be so cool.

Now it's just another day. Okay. Okay.

It sounds like somebody needs a little holiday cheer.

I know!

You could direct the Christmas pageant at the church.

Hey, yeah, that's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Eric, you used to love that pageant when you were a little boy.

And you need some Christmas spirit. And I already signed you up.

Well, it was fun when we were kids.

Then again, so was eating crayons, but...

Yeah, okay. I'll do it.

Good. Okay, now, Steven... No!

No!

Oh.

So, you won't be in a show about how there was no room at the inn, even though this innkeeper gave you a room?

Your guilt has no power over me!

I'll do it. j& Fa la la la la, la la la, boned j&

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Guys, check this out. It looks just like when we were kids.

And look, the Wise Men gifts, gold, myrrh, and...

Hyde, I think this one's yours.

That'd be my baggie of frankincense.

Well, if it isn't Mr. First-time Director.

I thought I'd direct, but the church board, whose average age is "nearly dead," feels that I don't speak to the younger generation.

Oh, Pastor Dave, I loved last year's Silent Night, Jazzy Night.

It was really funny.

It was a drama.

You guys, you guys! Great news.

Rudolph, Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, The Little Drummer Boy, they're all on TV this week.

We can watch them!

Yeah. We can wear our PJs and eat gumdrops and drink Kool-Aid.

Hooray!

Yeah!

Okay, guys, let's talk about your parts.

Okay, Eric, I want to be the Virgin Mary.

See, she's pure and holy and rides a unicorn.

No, Jackie, uh, she doesn't ride a unicorn.

She does now.

A white unicorn with speckles. Write that down.

Hey, is there anyone in this show who just kinda lies there and does nothing?

Um, there's the baby in the manger.

I call baby in the manger.

Uh, all right, Eric, I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter.

Oh, how about if I play him as a spaceman?

Okay, uh, Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.

Oh, really? Where do you think God lives?

It's true, man.

What the hell?

It's the Russians.

Oh, jeez.

Bob!

Hey there, hi there, ho-ho-ho there!

Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap off!

What would I do that for?

Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus.

I know what I want for Christmas.

Bob, are you drunk?

I'm not sober!

Eric, I have a little problem with my part.

Um, it turns out you have me playing a Wise Man.

Why can't there be any Wise Women?

Yeah, okay.

I'll take that up with the guy who wrote the Bible.

Let me get back to you.

Okay, Kelso, you are now playing a Wise Man.

Or a space Wise Man. Better. Better.

How come the foreign guy has to play the shepherd?

I have never herded sheep in my life.

Well, once, as a favor.

Why can't I be a lifeguard?

Or a space lifeguard.

Then I could herd all the ladies into the pool.

"Into the pool, ladies!"

Now, that's a good role.

Okay, uh, everyone? Everybody?

Um, all of your ideas are all, um...

Stupid. Okay, moving on.

At the end of the play, when Santa comes in that door...

Oh! How about... Kelso, I swear to God, if you say space Santa, I'm gonna kick you in the head.

Never mind.

Red, are you stealing Bob's Christmas decorations?

It's only stealing if you, uh... If you keep it.

I'm throwing all this crap away.

Oh, my God. I'm married to the Grinch.

I'm Mrs. Grinch.

Well, as long as you're not Mrs. Tattletale, we'll be fine.

Leo, those guys are driving me crazy in there.

Do you know what they think is Christmas-y? Unicorns.

Right, no, I'm sorry. Space unicorns.

Well, that's redundant.

Do you have any idea what this is gonna look like, man?

Shark! Everybody out of the water! And off with your tops!

Make way, Virgin Mother coming through.

We come bearing gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and Led Zeppelin IV.

Let me get a look at that cute little baby girl Jesus.

j& Rockin' around the Christmas tree j& At the Christmas party hop... j&

I'm just gonna go home. Holiday Inn is on TV.

Now, that's Christmas.

You can't go home, man.

This pageant's your chance to spread some Christmas spirit.

And that's contagious, like VD.

I just...

I don't think I have it anymore, Leo.

Don't be fooled, man.

VD comes back.

No, not...

Okay. Yeah, I'll watch for that.

So, dipping into the frankincense, I see.

Well, no more of that, okay?

We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done.

And no spaceman.

And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.

And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials.

I mean, when Rudolph's nose shone so bright, and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night, that was a great moment in American history.

Kelso, Rudolph was small, had a girlie voice, and I'm pretty sure he was a little light in the hooves, if you know what I mean.

Of course he was light in the hooves. He could fly.

Oh!

I would have guessed Prancer.

Well, you've all ignored me, so I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence.

Guys, let's do this thing.

What on God's green earth?

But, Pastor Dave, I was just...

Oh, I know what you were doing.

I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert.

I was handing out leaflets.

No, but I wasn't... Eric Forman, you're fired.

You know what? Fine.

Rudolph had a girlfriend. Her name was Clarice.

She thought he was cute.

Okay, if anyone was gay, it was that... That Hermey.

No straight elf has hair like that.

Well, as you may know by now, I had to let Eric go.

Wait, you fired Eric?

Who's gonna direct the play?

I guess that responsibility falls unto me.

And I am willing to be the reluctant hero on this year's pageant, and whip all you ne'er-do-wells into shape.

Okay, kids, that was a good one.

Now, let's work on the scene where you untie me.

And action.

Give me my stuff back, Red.

Don't know what you're talking about, Bob.

And no!

Oh, Red, just give it back.

You don't want anybody to have a happy Christmas.

Oh, you want happy? Drink another six-pack.

Oh, this is nice. This is great.

I guess we have a new tradition here, The Annual Yuletide Fight.

God, can't anybody just act decent for one freaking day of the year?

Well, out of the mouths of babes, huh?

Well, fine.

Bob, your decorations are in the dumpster behind the liquor store.

Thanks, Red.

If I had mistletoe, I'd kiss you.

Yeah, well, if I had mistlefoot, it'd be in your ass.

You know what I would like for Christmas?

No more talk about you putting your foot in other people's rear ends.

Maybe next year, Kitty.

Whoa, dudes. What did you do, man?

Leo, man. We're just about to light the Dave.

I can't believe you guys.

You managed to bring a man of God to tears.

I'm not crying.

I'm talking about me, man.

You know, you guys can hassle your skinny friend, Eric, but when it comes down to a fundamental moral core, he's the only one of you that's got one.

So, congratulations. You've ruined Christmas.

Oh, man.

Leo's right. I mean, this probably isn't our finest hour.

I don't know. It's pretty damn fine.

Well, Jackie, you know, since everything's ruined, we could, I don't know, go home and watch Rudolph.

Michael, those shows are for babies.

But I want to watch it.

I wanna!

Grow up, Michael.

You never let me have any fun!

You guys, I feel kind of bad about Eric.

Yeah, maybe we should go find him. Yeah.

Or we could stay here and wrap Dave.

I say, get Eric.

Come on.

Uh, guys?

Oh, right.

There you go.

Oh, honey, you looked so sad.

I am gonna let you open your big Christmas present early.

Wow.

It's kind of the size of... And it's kind of heavy like...

I knew you wanted one.

I can't believe that you finally got me a raincoat!

See, it's London Fog. Did I fool you?

I put rocks in the bottom, so it would seem heavy.

Well, that's clever.

Okay, now.

I'm gonna wrap it back up.

You can open it Christmas morning and pretend you're surprised.

Uh-huh. So, we got that to look forward to.

Yeah. Okay.

Huh!

What's the matter, Kelso?

Rudolph, I can't watch you anymore.

My friends say that I'm too old.

Ho-ho-hold the phone.

Too old for Christmas? That's nonsense.

Yeah, but everyone's making fun of me.

You know, Kelso, people used to laugh and call me names.

They wouldn't let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

So, what did you do? I kicked them in the face.

Blitzen bled like a faucet.

Little Drummer Boy, what are you doing here?

"Come," they told me.

No, but what am I supposed to do?

All my friends are gonna think that I'm a baby if I keep watching your shows.

Oh, screw those dumb asses.

If they're too old for Christmas specials, that's their loss.

Can I go now? I'm very cold.

Kelso, as long as you really, really believe in our magical world, nothing in life can ever hurt you.

So I can watch.

I can watch.

Whoo-hoo!

I can watch! I can watch! I can watch!

Whoo-hoo!

Look at that face. What a nice kid.

So happy.

I'm not too late. I haven't missed them. Hey, Dave.

Uh, Michael? A little help?

Oh.

That wasn't fun. One of the lights burned my neck.

You know, Pastor Dave, the only reason we mess with you is 'cause we like you. You do? You do.

I'm cool. I'm cool.

Oh. Well, if it isn't the dillholes of Christmas past, present and future.

We came to talk to you about the pageant. Dave said he'll un-fire you.

'Cause I'm cool.

And we'll do the pageant however you want.

Yeah, I set them straight, man.

Look, Forman, just come on back, all right?

Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah. We can all be together.

I mean, it's Christmas, you know?

Plus, we got you a present.

Oh, man.

A cassette deck.

You guys, thanks.

So, you'll come back?

Yeah, okay.

Oh. Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.

Whoa!

Hey.

Those decorations aren't half bad.

Look, it's snowing.

Yeah, I hooked up the snow machine.

Don't nobody smoke though. This stuff might be toxic.

Oh!

A tape player. Didn't know you wanted one of those.

Isn't it beautiful?

Hey, Steven. Fix that light up there, will you?

Oh, I dropped my candy. Oh, no!

Oh. Ah. My knee.

How's that?

Behold! The Virgin has given birth.

Isn't he cute?

He's got my eyes.

And my hair.

Hark, we come bearing gifts.

Gifts from space.

Kelso.

No! Earth air! Toxic! Choking!

God bless us, everyone.