That '70s Show S4E13 Script

Jackie Says Cheese (2002)

Hey, L'Eggo my Eggo.

Hey, L'Eggo my foot in your ass.

Oh, good morning.

Oh, here, honey. I brought you something back from the hospital.

A lollipop.

Mom, I'm 17 years old.

Which is why I also brought you condoms.

Now, see, we had a teenage mom come in, and it's just, well, you know, I worry about you.

That I'll get pregnant? You're not a good nurse.

Now, don't be a porky mouth. Oh. Here.

Sexual health pamphlets.

I just want you to know that intercourse is a responsibility, not just a right.

Okay, well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.

Oh. Oh.

Don't forget your condoms. I was wrong.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, man, Red's been spot-checking my room again.

I can't believe he still doesn't trust me.

You know, that really hurts, man.

I'm gonna need you to hide my stash.

Sure. I'll put it in my dresser under my Hong Kong Phooey socks.

He can protect anything because he's faster than the human eye.

You guys, the funniest thing just happened to Jackie.

Michael, the most horrible thing just happened to me.

My father found out we're back together, and if we don't break up, he'll never give me any money ever again.

Wait. If you break up with Kelso, you'll be rich?

Talk about your win-win.

Hold on. He didn't know we were dating?

Here comes the best part.

I mean the worst part.

My dad thinks you're a bad influence on me, so I kept our love a secret.

And now, I have to decide between you and money.

Gosh, it's like Sophie's Choice for morons.

Hey, let's take a poll.

Who thinks Sophie should keep Kelso?

The money? Ooh.

You guys, this isn't a joke.

But it's funny like a joke.

How do I choose between something that makes my whole life complete and you?

Well, I don't know, baby, but I love you.

Oh, Michael, I love you, too.

Okay, I choose love. I choose love.

Aw! Yeah, aw! Okay.

Now, get a job because I need a ton of money.

Guys, I would like you to meet Point Place's new foreign exchange student, Thomas.

Hi. Hi, what's up?

Hello, pretty lady with eyes like the sea.

No. Which sea?

Okay, easy there, Casa-New-Guy.

I'm showing Thomas the ropes.

Hello. What, are you crazy?

That's Nicole Mayzell. She's way out of our league.

Oh, then we must be in different leagues because I just had sex with her last night.

New foreign guy, uno. Old foreign guy, nada.

This is outrageous. The closest I have come to sex was when the football team pinned me down in the shower and made me kiss my own ass.

Hey, um, if you think that's close to sex, then you're gonna be delighted with actual sex.

Yeah, Thomas, you should stay away from the football team for a while.

We wouldn't want a cutie like you to get hurt.

Oh, the football team loves me.

I'm the new placekicker.


Oh, the room is spinning. How did you do all this?

I have delightful accent.

So do I.

Yes, but a nerd with an accent is still a nerd.

Now, good day, sir.

I say, "good day."

Now, good day. Good day.

Good day.

I said, good day. I said, good day.

He stole that from me.

But, Fez... I said, from me.

Oh, I'm out.

Out? I am home one night this week, and you're out?

Hey, don't look at me.

You had a whole bag of them, and you wasted them on Eric.

He's probably down there making balloon animals.

Well, I guess we'll just sleep.

Well, couldn't we just, um, you know, I mean, really, what are the chances?

We could have a change-of-life baby.

Oh, crap.

I'll be right back.

It's late. We'll talk about this tomorrow.

Oh, my God, my sock drawer.

I'm dead. He found your stash. Do you know what this means?

Yeah. I get your room, and you get sent to military school.

Eric caught me stealing his things.

That's not funny.

I'm a grown man.

I don't go rummaging around in teenage boys' drawers, looking for things.

Condoms. That word is forbidden.

Okay. Good night.

Condoms. Quit it.

I don't know. I've just always been good-looking.

Look at that foreign bastard.

Cracking up the whores.

Checking the score.

Old foreign guy, nada. New foreign guy, dos.

Hey, if I pretend to say something funny, will you laugh?


That Thomas is shady.

And have you noticed he never says what country he's from?

What country are you from?

What country are you from?


Fine. Mystery solved.


Mom, is Dad around?

No, I think he's upstairs.

Hot, hot, hot, hot!

Love you, Mom. Thanks for breakfast. See you tonight. Bye.


Kitty, Eric around?

No, he just left. Perfect.

Red, this is just silly.

You can't avoid Eric forever.

I know that. Well, good.

I just have to avoid him till he goes to college.

What's that, like a year? I can do that.


Michael, I'm broke.

I had to buy generic hair conditioner.

And now, I have split ends.

Well, no one is gonna notice that, baby.

They'll all be looking at that monster zit.

I have to ration my cover-up. So find a job already.

I'm trying, okay? It's tough out there.

I just had an interview at that new store in the mall, the Cheese Palace.

Where curd is king? The very same.

They're hiring a new cheese maiden, you know, to hand out the samples, but I didn't get the job 'cause they want a girl.

You're pretty like a girl. Thank you!

Man, but the manager wants an actual girl, you know, with boobs and stuff.

Hey, you know who's an actual girl with boobs and stuff?

Oh, Donna, you don't have to get a job just for me.

I was talking about you, pimple-chin.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I am not getting a job. A job is for poor people.

I am a rich person who doesn't have money.

Big diff.

Hey, is that a blackhead?


Cheddar? Cheddar?


Try the Swiss. You can't miss.

Try the Cheddar. It's even better.

The floor's real shiny, and I see your heinie.


Hey. The cheese maiden hit me!

Cheese guards, seize her!

My God, this job is awful!

Are you sweating?

I mean, is work making you sweat?


I'm glistening! It's glisten!

Whatever it is, yuck!

Look, Michael, the only reason I have this job is so that you and I can be together.

All you've done for our love is sit in the basement eating Fritos.

Well, for your information, if I send in 80 empty Frito bags, I get a free remote-control car.

Which I was gonna give to you after I played with it only a little.

Now, that is love!




What I have to do is show everyone that I am cooler than Thomas.

You know, I once saw the Fonzie do something on TV that just might do the trick.

I am now going to jump over a shark on water skis to prove that I'm the coolest foreign exchange student in Point Place.

He'll never make it. Shut up. He can do it.

He's the Fez!

Okay, here I go. Hit it.


He's crazy, man. He's crazy. He's at the ramp.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yeah, man! You suck, Thomas.

Fez, you jumped that shark, and you're not even wet.

That's 'cause I'm cool-a-mundo.


So what do you think?

Not only is that the worst idea I've ever heard, it was the worst moment in television history.

Yeah, you're right. I stopped watching after that episode.


This is freaky, man. Red hasn't said anything about the stash, which can only mean he's gone to the much-feared stage beyond yelling.

He's gone Darth Vader, man.

Or instead of Red snagging you, maybe you snagged Red dipping into Hyde's stash. I'm just saying, everyone's trying it.

I guess Kelso was right. Everyone is trying it.

I'm telling you, this stuff isn't just for cakes.

It's great all by itself.

Wait, wait. Watch this.

Look at me. I'm Whipped-cream Head.

Fear me. All fear Whipped-cream Head.


Kelso, that was delightful, but the only part you left out is where Red kills me!

Forman, it was my stash. I don't wanna leave you hanging, but I'm gonna.

So good luck in military school.

How exciting. My first American road trip.

I can't wait to see Lake Dillhole.

Well, the wait is over. We're here.

Now, hop out, you crazy son of a gun.

This is the Michigan border.

Well, what do you know?

So where is Lake Dillhole?

Oh, it's right there, behind the Get Bent Memorial.

So, get bent, dill-hole!

Oh, what's the score now?

Oh, here we go. Fez, one. Thomas, stranded in Michigan!

Oh, I kill me. Nice job.

Thanks. I learnt from the best.


I would've taken his clothes. That's why you're the king.

The Gouda's so good-a.

The Havarti's a party.

Hello, milady. Fondue you love me?

Stop doing that. All day with this.

"Hey, fondue me." "Ooh, I stepped in fon-dog doo."

Oh, my God, this is awful!

Michael, a few minutes ago, I smelled stinky cheese, and it was me!

Look, I'm sorry. I love you, but I can't do this.

You mean, you can't fondue it.

God, will you shut up? Look, I am not cut out for work.

I'm cut out for having rich people give me things.

But you got a job for me. I mean, doesn't that make it satisfying?

Oh, my gosh. It's a check!

And that's my name!


So we can stay together.

Yeah, and I can still be rich.


Well, if this isn't gonna go badly, I'm heading home.

No, wait. Jackie deserves a celebration.

Hey, let's go buy me that remote-control car.

No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees.

Money doesn't grow on trees.

You know, I think having a job is changing me.

Okay, think about it, a whole new me.

That'd be great. That'd be great.

I gotta... I'm gonna...

Okay, enough.

You, sit.

You can't make me join the army, okay? I'll cut off a toe!

What? Okay, okay.

We are just gonna clear the air, right now.

Now, Eric, the other night, your father and I were getting intimate...

And we realized we didn't have any protection.

For hugging. We just... We hug.

So your dad went to your room looking for one of those condoms I gave you, and you caught him, and he has just been so embarrassed ever since.


Oh, condoms!

Yeah, condoms.

What did you think it was?

What did you think it was?

What did you do? What did you do?

What did you do?

What? I didn't do anything, okay?

You stole condoms. Get him, Mom.

You're grounded. For a week.

Hyde, too.

Whatever was in that drawer that you didn't want me to see, I'm sure it was his.

Fine. No complaints here. Thank you.

You suppose there was actually something in that drawer he didn't want us to see?

Who cares?

I know in orientation we talked about theft in the workplace, so I would like to report a theft from my check.

Now, I don't know who FICA is, but that bitch stole, like, 10% of my money.

Also, now, I don't know if you have this key in your typewriter, but when I write "Jackie," I like to dot my "I" with a smiley face.

Also, now, I'd put this in the suggestion box, but you have something hanging from your nose.

Oh, and I want Saturday off.

Thank you. Bye.