That '70s Show S4E14 Script

Eric's Hot Cousin (2002)

Hey, guys, I'm thinking about getting a perm.

Hyde, can I get the number of your guy.

I don't have a "guy," dumb ass.

This righteous moss is a gift from God.

God gave me a perm, too, but he hit me below the belt.

What are you doing, Forman?

My stupid cousin Penny from Florida is coming this weekend, so my mom's making me clean the basement.

And I'm done.

Penny? God, she was always such a tattletale.

"Eric's stealing cookies." "Eric's playing with fire."

"Eric's touching himself."

Yeah, but Eric got her back.

He hit her with the old Bengay on the toothbrush.

And the over-the-shoulder wedgie.

And the butt-face gas attack.

Butt-face gas attack? I'll show you later.

Thank you.

Oh, Forman.

My favorite was when you trapped her in the revolving door at the library and kept spinning her.

Yeah, she ralphed, and then she had to keep walking through the puddle.

'Cause it's a revolving door.

It spins in circles.

That's its nature. It just...

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Penny! Aunt Kitty!

It's so good to see you!

Oh, my gosh, you have grown so...

Things have...

Good for you!

And good for us.

Oh, jeez.


You're so shiny.

I am just so excited you're here.

I have lots of free time these days, so I've gathered up some local foliage.

And I thought we could have a long talk while we make our own potpourri!

Well, thanks, Aunt Kitty, but right now I'd just like to catch up with Eric.

Find out how he got so foxy.

Okay, you boys be nice. But not too nice.

Look, Penny, I know your last trip here, I was kind of a jerk, and...

Oh, God, Eric! That was so long ago.

Plus, I can't stay mad at you. You're too cute.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Oh, hey, you remember my cousin Penny.

Hey, Penny. I didn't recognize you without Eric's butt in your face.

So, you guys ready for the movies? You can come, too.

I guess.

Thanks, but this Wisconsin air is so dry, I really should go inside and moisturize before I lose my tan.

I have lotion.

I think the best plan is for all of us to go to the movies, except for me and Penny, who will stay here and moisturize each other.

What? Screw that. I'm gonna moisturize, too.

Michael! I'll just do, like, a leg or something.


Come on. Let me show you to your room.

Michael! I'm getting Kool-Aid!


What losers! Did you see them checking her out?

Okay, she's not that hot. I never liked her.

You know, once when we were little she bit me, so I bit her back.

And then she called, "Truce," so I said, "Okay."

And then she bit me again.



No, her. Oh, yeah.


Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sun lamp tans.

How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.

I know.

I mean, we don't go to her town and try and out-whore her.

Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys.

If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.

Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?

Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Have you seen that little stray cat that's been hanging around our house?

Oh, yeah. I met him this morning.

Then he met the hose.

Kitty, we don't need more things hanging around our house.

We already have Steven and Kelso and Foreign Kid.

Yeah, but they're always busy.

Maybe I should get my own cat.

I'm not working. I'm home all day.

Here's my problem with cats.

Best-case scenario. You get the smartest cat in the world.

He still craps in your house.

Well, it's just it would be nice to have something to take care of.

I'll tell you what, Kitty.

Instead of getting a cat, why don't we all just stop flushing?

It's the same thing!

Guys, I'm getting some weirdness from Cousin Penny.

Earlier, she gave me a hug, but this wasn't a cousin hug.

Our middles touched.

And not just for a second.

She pressed.

I've heard of kissing cousins.

But have you ever heard of "doing-it cousins"?

'Cause that's what I think Forman should be shooting for here.

Kelso, I appreciate the advice, but your solution to every problem is, "Do it with her."

Well, it worked with my old science teacher.


Well, unfortunately, Penny is my cousin.

That'd be like looking at my mom and thinking, "Hey, baby, how..."

I'm just gonna stop right there.

I've thought that about your mom, but I didn't stop right there.


This ought to keep you company during the week.

Roy's Pet Store. Red, you got me a cat!

Well, it's like a cat.

A fish?

Red, it's a fish.

See, it's like a cat.

They're both pets. No, they're not.

Pets are called pets because you pet them.

How do I pet this thing?

Well, you just reach in and corner it and give it a rub.

That's the thing about fish. They just love the feel of the human hand.

Jackie! Jackie, wake up.

Oh, my God. Donna, you're totally burned.


What have you done to me?

Me? This was your stupid idea.

Did you call me stupid?


Lobster face!

Ow. Little red riding bitch!

Oh, my God!

Okay! Now, okay, let's just call a truce.


Don't look at me. Mrs. Paul killed these.



Must get pretty boring living in a fishbowl, huh?

Gets pretty boring around here, too.

You know, I used to work at a hospital, and taking care of people.

It felt so good to be needed.

You know, like... Like part of a team?

People really depended on me, which...

Which I kind of miss.

But at least I don't miss the bedpans.

Are you sure it's okay for me to do my yoga in here?

Do Aunt Kitty and Uncle Red allow girls in your room?

Well, you're my cousin, so you don't even really count as a girl.

You're like a rock.

A moving, talking, extremely limber rock.

Ooh. That's nice.

Peterson's Auto Shop. What?

"Peterson's Auto Shop." That's what my T-shirt says.

I noticed you were trying to read it.

That's... Yes. Yes, I was.

I kind of have, like, a passion for T-shirt logos.

Okay, well, bedtime for this logo fan, okay.

Off you go.


Naughty thoughts a-brewing.

Penny, you're cold.

Go get a sweatshirt.

Oh. Okay, Uncle Red.

Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?

Stop staring at your cousin.

Kitty, where's breakfast?

Honey, I'm running a little late.

I was redecorating Fluffy's bowl.

Kitty, it's a stupid fish.


Cinnamon toast, get on it.

Oh, so, decided against the sweatshirt?

It's a bold choice.

I saw Uncle Red leaving and I wanted to talk to you alone.

See, I kind of have a crush on you.

Okay, Penny... Okay.

Look, I don't know what the laws are down in...

...Florida, but up here, the cousin-loving is really frowned upon.

That's why I wanted to talk to you.

Last week I overheard my parents talking, and I found out that I'm adopted.

So technically, we're not even related.

Well, that's a twist.

And all those feelings that I had about you that would've been wrong...

Are pretty freaking right!

Bring it in.

Now you're warm.

And I don't feel bad about that.

So Penny's not even your cousin?

All right. Well, in light of recent developments, I vote, "Do it."

Do it, yellow belly!

Look, man, if you don't do it, I'm gonna do it.

Then I'm gonna make fun of you.

All right, fellas. So I guess it's all systems go.

Just hey, let's keep this between us, okay?

Hey, what's up?

Forman wants to nail his cousin. No.

No, no, no, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.

And what the hell happened to your face?

What the hell happened to yours? Burn!

Yeah, I gotta admit, Donna, that was a nice burn.

And I don't mean what you said just there. I mean your face. Nice burn.

Hey, you know, if you ever need a date for prom, you can just flip through the family album.


Oh, God. You're just jealous because Penny is incredibly hot, and you're a throbbing red pile.

Eric, my sunburn will fade, but your shame will last forever.

Yeah, well, at least my shame won't peel.

Hey, there's my girl.

New logo. Nice.

I was just having a glass of milk before bed.

Oh, well, you know, you don't have to rush off.

Sit. Come on. Let's gab a while.


Let's get to the bottom of this crush, huh?

You know what I'd really love to do?

Stay up late and watch movies like we did when we were kids.

Remember? All alone in the dark?

That's a good plan.

And let's wear our jammies! Excellent addition to the plan.

Oh, but I usually just sleep in a T-shirt and panties.

Is that okay?

Well, so do I!

Er, I mean, you know, man-panties...



You know what I meant.

Great. The movie starts at 11:00.

Don't be late. Okay, I won't.


Kitty. What happened? Fluffy died.

Well, if it's any consolation, fish are never even really alive.

They're just less dead.

I know.

You know, he wasn't good company, but at least he was company.

Red, I'm unhappy. Oh, I gotta go to the store.

I am a nurturer.

I am not gonna be satisfied nurturing something you'd win at a carnival.

Kitty, what do you want? I'll get you anything you want.

Not a cat.

I want to go back to the hospital to work.


As long as it's not a cat, I'm good.

Okay, I think what you mean is, "I'm glad you're doing what makes you happy."


Of course.

And I'm sorry that your fish died.

Don't be. I flushed it.

Good evening, milady.

11:00 on the nose.

Well, we're all alone.

I told Hyde to amscray for a while.

So go ahead, take off your robe.

Penny, there's no rat.

Don't, Eric! Don't! No, I was...

Eric, step away from your cousin.

No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.

I'm not adopted.

What? She's lying!

Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her!

Now, what is going on?

I'm sleepwalking.

And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.

Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?

A liar who specializes in adoption lies. You.

A mean, vindictive person.

Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?

Yes. Oh.

Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?


I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

No. Look, I just wanna apologize to Penny.


When you're done, you head right upstairs.

I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

I guess this will teach you to play pranks on innocent little girls.

This has taught me a lesson.

And that is that I'm not gonna rest until I get you back way worse than you got me!

Which by the way, wasn't really that bad!

Actually, it's pretty bad.

Cousin Penny went back home, huh?

Oh, wait, did I say cousin?

Yeah, I meant cousin.

Looks like that's two hot girls you can't have.

Well, thank you for such a conservative estimate.

By the way, Donna, here's your copy of the pictures.

Yeah. If you flip through them real fast, it looks like Eric's running.

Give me those.

Give me those.