That '70s Show S4E15 Script

Tornado Prom (2002)

Hey, guys.

It is literally a million degrees out.

I'm wearing shorts in January!

Have you ever seen prettier legs on a fellow?

Michael, we'll admire your legs later.

Snow Prom is tomorrow.

We need to keep up our campaign for Snow Queen and Snow King.

Jackie, I did campaign. I wrote our names all over the place.

Kelso, you peed in the snow.

In cursive!

It was awesome.

Okay, look, you may not take this seriously, but I do.

I used to be a rich, popular girl.

But now that my dad has cut me off, I'm not rich, so I have to be twice as popular.

Okay, maybe you should spend less time worrying about being popular and more time being thoughtful, friendly, considerate.

Okay, can I get a translation? Because that was gibberish.

Come on, Michael.

Hey, you know what?

We should all go to Snow Prom together, in one car.

All of us hanging out, laughing, driving.

Good times.

You need a ride, don't you?

I so do. Pick me up at the radio station.

All right. We'll all go together.

Whoa, whoa. Hyde, you're going to a school dance?

You're gonna stink-bomb the teachers' lounge, aren't you? I want in!

No, man, kid stuff.

See, during the dance, I'm going to throw a party in Coach Ferguson's office.

I'm bringing my best stuff.

A party with your best stuff?

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

You know it. Oh, boy, you have a pinata?

It's weird. I feel like I'm forgetting something.

I've got my watch, my wallet, my who-am-I-kidding condom.

Yeah, sounds like you got everything, except for a tall redhead.

Yeah. What man doesn't love a tall red...

Oh, my God, Donna!

I forgot Donna.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Mr. Hyde? In school after hours?

What, are you trying to establish an alibi?

Coach Ferguson, shouldn't you be on the football field, teaching boys to play with balls?

Don't push my buttons, wiseacre.

And there he goes.

I think now is a good time to go fumigate his office.

Oh. I have exciting news for you two.

Michael, you have been elected Snow King.

Yeah!

And, Jackie, you are the new Snow Queen runner-up!

Oh, my God! This is the happiest day of my life!

Wait, runner-up?

How could that be?

There's been a mistake.

It was fixed.

You poke me one more time, I'm gonna paddle you.

That'd be hot.

I have a serious announcement.

A tornado warning has been issued. I'm told it's code red.

I don't know the codes, but red sounds serious.

Michael, this is my worst nightmare.

A tornado is your worst nightmare?

Mine's monsters.

How could I be runner-up?

If I'm not a rich, popular girl, I'm nothing.

I'm like Donna.

No, Jackie, you are the girlfriend to the Snow King.

All right, now, as Snow King, I must lead my people to safety.

All right, everyone! Everyone, follow me.

Remain calm, people! These are just sports balls!

Everyone grab a ball!

All right.


I'm just so worried about Eric.

A tornado in January?

Yeah, life's full of surprises.

Like these two showing up 'cause they don't have a basement.

Surprise.

Gee, Red, you seem grouchy.

Surprise!

Red, if Eric gets caught in a tornado, he'll get blown to Canada.

He's very light.

Kitty, the gym is the town's bomb shelter.

He'll be fine.

I just hope he's not crying.

Everybody knows he's my kid.

Okay, you're right. Eric's fine.

Let's just talk about something else.

Ooh, you know, Joanne taught me a lot about lady orgasms.

They've been around longer than I thought.

Okay, so talking's bad. I know, charades.

No, thanks. What, are you chicken?

Did you just call me "chicken"?

That's it. Move the couch, Kitty. She's going down.

Oh, yeah.

Busted, hophead.

People of the make-out stairwell, this is your Snow King speaking.

Hit the lights, fool!

No, there's a tornado. Everyone go to the gym.

The Snow King has spoken!

All right. That's gross. Who threw the retainer?

Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado?

This changes everything. This could be our last night here on earth.

Oh, no. I'm going to die a virgin.

Not if I have anything to say about it.

You can talk all you want, but there's a tornado coming.

Fez, I mean, let's do it.

It?

"It" it?

All right.

I'm going to need you.

Eric, you're here! Donna, look, I'm sorry I'm late.

And I really did want to pick you up before the dance. So it's no big deal, really.

No big deal? It's a huge deal.

I was in the back filing records, and suddenly everyone was gone, and I was stuck here alone.

And you risked the tornado for me.

Tornado?

What tornado...

Could stop me from helping you?

So, uh, tell me, um, is the tornado still, like, um...

Like, out there?

Yeah. They say it's a biggie. Oh.

Eric, are you okay?

Sure, it's just that now that I know you're okay, I can finally start worrying about me.

And, see, the thing about me is, I don't wanna die.

So, what to do?

Let's see, there's you, there's me, candlelight.

You know, back in the old days we would have...

We're not doing that. Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah.

So quick to dismiss the thing you once ached for.

You mean, cheese sticks?

If you want to call it that, sure.

Gyrating.

Twisting.

Hips! You make me feel like hips!

Hah!

Time! We win.

I was dancing!

"You make me feel like hips"?

It could have been a song.

Is it hard to lose, Red? 'Cause you make it look so easy.

You're in big trouble, bud.

You should suspend me.

I need a vacation.

A tornado's coming. It's code red.

You know what that means.

I think it's serious.

A tornado?

Deadly spirals of wind really freak me out.

All right, Coach Girlie. Calm down. I can't die yet!

There's so much I haven't experienced.

I bet I know one thing you haven't experienced.

Tornadoes get a bad rap, man.

It's not like The Wizard of Oz.

I mean, where are the midgets?

I bet I could bench, like, 10 midgets.

Hey, look at all this stuff you confiscated.

Mine.

Mine.

Ooh, la, la!

Mine now.

Why am I not Snow Queen?

For the last two weeks, I was nice to everybody.

Well, maybe not the AV club, but I mean, come on.

Jackie, you can't just be nice for two weeks.

You have to be nice all the time.

Or very handsome.

Oh! My banana nose!

I thought this was gone forever.

It's still funny!

Maybe Donna was right.

Maybe being popular isn't as important as being nice to people.

I mean, I know that sounds wrong, but anything's possible.

Hey, Jackie, whatever makes you feel better about being a loser.

Hey, watch the banana nose!

Hey, Hyde, when this is all over, you think we'll still be friends?

Well, my head says no, but my heart says no.

So, no.

Wonder what Donna and Forman are doing right now.

This is the best tornado ever!

I know! And who better to be stuck here with than America's most beloved rock band, ladies and gentlemen, Aerosmith!

As rock legends, we've had some pretty good times, but it doesn't get any better than this. Hello, Wisconsin!

Yeah, I dig this joint, too. Hello, Wisconsin.

That was your Aerosmith?

You're bad at that.

Steven Tyler is way cooler, and Joe Perry is so dreamy.

God, you're bad at that.

What? That was dead-on! Right, guys?

I bought it.

You, uh, really think I'm dreamy?

Whoa.

The station manager's stuff is way better than ours.

Well, I lived my dream. Let's go.

Oh, wait. We can't just leave Jackie here like that.

You're right.

Okay, we're good.

Oh, Toto.

Losing Snow Queen has left me searching for guidance.

Surely the Wizard of Oz can help.

Jackie, why'd you make me the Scarecrow? He needs a brain.

No. No, I made you the Scarecrow because you love chasing birds.

I do love chasing birds. Okay.

Is this some kind of joke? 'Cause I'm not laughing.

Kelso's the Scarecrow? Yeah.

Look, guys!

I'm a bear.

Fez, you're the Cowardly Lion.

But I wanna be a bear.

At least you got a brain.

This sucks.

Will everyone just shut up?

When it's your dream, you could be whatever you want.

I wanna be a bear.

Jackie, what the hell?

She totally made you a witch. That's so awesome!

She made you a flying monkey.

What?

Oh, crap!

Let's kick her ass! Yeah.

Miss Wizard, I'm confused.

I lost Snow Queen.

And now I'm wondering if titles and popularity aren't as important as being a good person.

Well, how do you know when you're a good person?

When everyone likes you, right? When you're popular.

And how do you know when you're popular?

Oh, my God!

When you win titles like Snow Queen!

Winning titles and being a good person are the same thing.

So you go after that title, child.

Oh, I will, Miss Wizard. I will.

And remember, if someone calls you shallow, they're just jealous.

They're just jealous...

Our own private stairwell.

This is exactly how I pictured losing my virginity.

Except it was on a bed of flowers and there were two of you.

Tornado passed through, is heading to Illinois.

Kiss my ass, Chicago!

Oh, my God! We're safe.

Sex just doesn't seem important anymore.

I... I disagree.

And... And here's why.

Let's go celebrate with everyone.

Oh, you can make a tornado, but you can't let me do it?

Oh, you are not a just God!

Okay.

No six.

No six.

And six!

Park Place.

Pay up.

I told you we shouldn't spend all our money on Marvin Gardens.

Oh, and Baltic Avenue was such a help.

I bought that with my beauty-contest winnings.

Poor Red, losing again.

While we have this large housing development that I like to call Joanne Land.

Where's Red Land?

I'll tell you where it is.

It's right up your... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

This just in.

The National Weather Service has canceled the tornado warning.

And updating our top story, a local teen is in critical condition...

Oh, game over. Call it a tie.

A tie? We had all the money. So?

We had the get-out-of-jail-free card.

And you can't put a price on freedom.

Night, night.

Look, Jackie, I know you're upset, and I don't know why you're not Snow Queen.

But I do know this, I am Snow King.

So that's pretty cool.

Michael, I'm not upset.

I just had the best dream, and now I've got to campaign for next year.

Guys, how's my hair?

Yeah, it's fantastic. Wonderful. Wonderful.

This was fun.

We haven't just hung out in, like, forever.

Plus, you're, like, my hero.

Most guys would not risk a tornado for an ex-girlfriend.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, well, I just wanted to kiss you before you found out that I went to the dance, forgot you, and I didn't know about the tornado.

Okay, this was swell.

Wait, wait, wait.

So, you forgot me?

Okay, you're mad.

Actually, no.

I mean, if we were still dating, I'd be super pissed.

But we're not, so it's kind of funny.

You know what? Let me buy you a burger.

I can't believe you totally snaked a kiss under false pretenses.

Yeah, I'm a little proud of that, yeah.

Well, I'm a lock for next year.

I introduced myself to everyone, and I know they liked me, 'cause they laughed at everything I said.

I mean, I even shook hands with that nose-picking, chess-club guy.

Ooh, I'd better wash up.

You ready? Yeah.