That '70s Show S4E16 Script

Donna Dates a Kelso (2002)

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

"Skinny Dillhole Talks Like an Idiot"?

Yeah, yeah. I read it.


Guess who was voted Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?

Tommy Larkin?

Well, he is dreamy.


Me. Thank you very much.

Congratulations, Eric. I guess this opens up a whole new world for you.

One where you can actually date chicks.

And don't think I haven't already thought of that, my friend.

"Bachelorina Number One.

"I've been diagnosed with a disease that makes me irresistible to women.

"If you were my doctor, what would you do

"to treat me?"

I'd order you to stay in bed for three weeks.

With me.


I'm feeling better already.

Bachelorina Number Two.

Well, I'd have you strip down for a complete physical.

Well, then I guess we know what's up, Doc.

Number Three.

I'd write you a prescription for love and tell you to take me three times a day.

Careful, I might OD.

Well, Eric,

it's time to choose.

Which one of these luscious, fawning chicks will it be?

Gosh, they all sound so great.

I can't decide.

Well, that's okay.

You're Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking.

You can have them all!

How tremendously fair!

Kelso, tell Eric what he gets!

Bachelorina Number One is a hot cheerleader.

Bachelorina Number Two is a hot cheerleader.

Bachelorina Number Three is a hot gymnast who used to be a hot cheerleader.

Well, until next time, this is Eric's jealous friend Hyde saying, "I wish I was Eric Forman. So long!"

Forman, don't put me in your fantasies.

I don't even like being in your real life.

You can put me in your fantasies, I don't mind.

I don't have a lot going on.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, hey, Donna.

Hey, um, did you see the school paper?

Oh, yeah. Field hockey team's going to State. Whoo-hoo!

Uh-oh. Looks like someone doesn't wanna talk about the new Most Eligible Viking.

Look, Donna, this whole, uh, "most eligible" thing has really taught me something.

Um, I'm pretty.

So, what do you say, like, we officially start dating other people?

Oh, I've been waiting for your permission.

And can I stay out past 9:00, please, please?

Okay. As long as you can be cool when you see me with one, two or seven of Point Place's juiciest tomatoes.

It's just like old times.

Eric and Donna talking about meaningless crap that affects only them.

I've missed it so.

I have missed it.

I don't have a lot going on.

Hey, look here.

That '58 Corvette down at the used-car lot is still for sale.

Oh, and look here. That diamond bracelet down at the mall is still for sale.

Hey, Red, get this.

A while back, I'm in my car crying 'cause Midgie was gone, and I kept having to reach into the glove box for tissues.

Oh, that's dangerous.

One time I had to blow my nose, nearly hit that cockeyed girl down the street.

I could've sworn she was looking right at me.

So I attached a box of tissues to the sun visor, sold the idea for a bundle, and voila.

The Weeper Keeper was born.

Oh, God. Are you rich again?


I'm back to my I-can-buy-anything-I-want former self.

Just picked up two sombreros and a case of Lik-M-Aid.

Where are you gonna wear a sombrero, Bob?

Where won't I wear it?

Okay, you guys, which one of these lucky ladies gets to go out with Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?

Start with the gymnastics team, but go with the second string.

Just as limber, but with something to prove.

How about her?

Yeah, I made out with her once.

Okay, I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue has been.

Oh, you better stay away from your mom, then.

I was kidding!

What about her?

Hey, I know her, man.

She's not all there, if you know what I mean.

She's a space case, huh?

No, she's missing a toe.

Oh, you guys.

There's that girl Emily. Problem solved.

Excuse me, fellas.

Hey, Emily.

Oh, hi, Eric.

I saw your name in the paper.

God, that totally slipped my mind, although I think I have a copy right here.

Look at him.

Donna, you have to start dating or you're gonna look pathetic.

And I'm gonna look pathetic for being seen with you.

I know. I'll set you up.

Okay, if you don't wanna do this, just say so.

I don't wanna do it.

Oh, you don't know what you want.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Rhonda just said she has something special to share with me tomorrow night.

It can only mean that we're going to do it!

No, no, no, listen to me. I need a place to do it.

Roomy and cheap.

Just like my Rhonda.

You can use the Fotohut, man.

I'm always happy to lend it out for deflowering and bar mitzvahs.

Thank you, Leo.

Tomorrow night, Fez becomes a man.

Oh, so it is a bar mitzvah.

Well, Bob, thanks for insisting on coming along.

So, Red, what's so special about this thing?

It's barely got a trunk.

Where do you put the groceries?

This car isn't about groceries.

It's about freedom.

Speaking of freedom, they got free doughnuts.


So long, dumb-ass!

Hey, Red. Hey. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's plenty of legroom in here.

Glad you like it. I just bought it.

You what?

Yeah, I'm picking it up tomorrow.

Sure hope that trunk will hold my sombreros.

Oh, is it my turn?

Oh, funny, 'cause tonight is also my turn, uh, to do it.

Guess what, Eric. Donna has a date tonight, too.

Yep, yep, yep.

I set her up with Michael's older brother, Casey.

Oh, man, Donna's going out with Casey Kelso?

Casey "What's the big deal? It's just a misdemeanor" Kelso?

Man, that's gonna be the best bad date ever.

Hey, we should hide in the trunk.

Oh, like Spritle and Chim Chim!

Oh, my God. I would pay to see that date.

"So, Casey, "what are your thoughts on feminism?"

"Well, Donna, I think it can munch my butt."

All right. Hey. My brother's not that bad, okay?

He taught us a lot of good, useful stuff about chicks, like, the bigger the boobs, the smaller the brain.

And that's a timeless truth.

I'll tell you another timeless truth.

I'm going to do it!

I don't know why I let you set me up with Casey Kelso.

From what I remember, he's, like, a Kelso.

Ooh! He's here. Okay, come on. Try to look pretty.

That's it? That's all I get is a honk?

What kind of a jerk won't even come to the door?

Oh, my God.

Casey? Hey, Pinciotti.

Man, you really grew into those legs.

Yeah, and you, your arms seem bigger.


So you ready to roll? Roll? I'm ready.

We're gonna roll.

Fez, honey, what are you...

Did you come for cake?

No, I... Do you have cake?

No, no, no. I came here because I have this... friend.

Oh, really?

What's his name?




And what's Johnny Table's problem?

Well, he and his girlfriend are about to do something very special for the first time.

You mean, they're going to engage in...


They are going... They're going to Putt-Putt.

And she has putted around quite a bit.

But he is a virgin putter.

A virgin putter.

He has never putted.

I see.

And my friend, uh...


Johnny Table? Yes.

Um, he cannot talk to Eric or Kelso or Hyde because they make fun of me.

Him, Johnny...


So he's coming to you.

Well, honey, you tell Johnny Table to be respectful and wear a condom.

Thank you, Mrs. Forman. That's good advice.

So, uh, may I have my piece of cake now?

And one for Johnny Table.

So, when my dad saw that I had broken the TV with the bowling ball, I said, "You fix it, dumb-ass!"

Ah, it shut him up.

You know, Eric, I've had a crush on you for so long.

Well, since the paper came out.

Oh, right, the Most Eligible Viking.

Well, that's just good reporting.

I can't believe you're Kelso's brother.

I mean, you're nothing like him.

'Cause he's, like...

And you're all...

Hey, you want a cold one? Okay.


This is fun.

I've been spending, like, way too much time worrying about my mom and stuff.

Hey, I learnt something in the Army.

When things are tough, turn up the music and crack open another beer.

Yeah, you mean, like, things will eventually get better?

I don't know about that. But if they don't, at least you'll have a beer.

Red, guess what.

I went down to pay for my Corvette, and some jerk-wad bought it out from under me.

Oh. Well, that's a tough break, Bob.

But you know what would make you feel better?

A look at my new Corvette.

Oh, my goodness, it's beautiful.

You bought my car?

That doesn't make me feel better, Red.

I'm sorry. Did I say make you feel better?

I meant make me feel better.

Leo, thanks for letting me use The Fotohut for my date with Rhonda.

And when I say date, I mean do it!

Hi, Fez.

Rhonda, you look beautiful.

Well, I'll leave you two with the same advice my father gave me, "Get a job, dopehead."

So, here we are.

You know, Fez, I've been with a lot of guys.

You're more special than any of them.

Now, I've cleared a space right over here.

And because I care about you and about us, I wanna wait.


Rhonda, hear me now, things are turning blue.

But... But, Fez, I love you.

But... But...

Oh, I love you, too.

Really? Yes, damn it.

So if you want to wait, we'll wait.

Ah, come here, cocoa puff.

Yeah, this is nice.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit in the snow.

So, anyway, I just turn to my dad and I say, "Yes, I am some sort of wise-ass."

Well, shut him up.

Anyway, this was fun.

Call me?


Hey, Emily!

On the phone, silly. All right.

I am silly.

Hey, Foreplay, is that you?

"Foreplay." I forgot about that.

Come here, little guy. Okay, all right.

Okay, all right. Good to see you.

Okay. Okay, all right. Okay. Okay.

Man, you haven't changed a bit.

Still got that haircut, huh?


So, uh, they let you out of the Army, huh?


It was kind of like they were always trying to tell me what to do.

Hey, uh, Pinciotti tells me you and her used to go out, but you dumped her.

Well, yeah. But it was kind of complicated with the ring and we talked, but she... Yeah, it's a great story.

Anyhow, I'll see you around, Pinciotti. Okay.

You, too, Foreplay.

Yeah, okay.

Ooh, Casey Kelso, huh?

Better luck next time.

No, actually, I think I might go out with him again.




But, um, I have just two words for you, Donna Kelso.

See you.

What, no! But think of the children!

Little redheaded morons!

They'd have to go to special schools! It'd be expensive!

Donna and Casey.

He's a Kelso!

Behold, my friends.

Your lovable foreign exchange student, Fez, has done it.

With a woman.

Fine, I'm still a virgin!

You forced it out of me!

Stop looking at me!