That '70s Show S4E17 Script

Kelso's Career (2002)

Guys, look what I got for Big Rhonda.

Oh, it's so nice to have a girlfriend on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, it definitely increases the chance of getting your fun-stuff touched.

Well, sorry, fun-stuff.

Looks like it's just you and me this year.


Sorry, fun-stuff. Yeah.

Oh, Rhonda's going to love these.

I just have to not eat them until Valentine's Day.

But you love candy.

Some would say it's an unnatural love.

Yes, I do love candy. But I love Rhonda more.

Really? 'Cause there's three pieces missing.

Fine. I love her the same.

Hi, sweetie. How was work?

I am so exhausted.

Yeah, the commute from Austria must be a real bitch.

A bus full of old people stopped by the Cheese Palace.

And when they saw free samples, all hell broke loose.

But the good news is, I got paid!

Oh, that's great.

Because Valentine's Day's coming up, and I need you to give me money and tell me whatever foo-foo crap gift you want to get.

Michael, I'm not doing that again.

Last year I gave you money and you bought a bag of plastic dinosaurs.

For you!

Look, you need to make some cash and buy me something nice, because I worked way too hard for my money, and you're not getting any.

Oh, I smell like hickory!

Oh, this bites.

Hey, Fez, how's it going with not eating the candy?

Fine, thank you.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, my God. Casey Kelso's here.


Oh, my God. He is so fine.

You know, if you marry Casey and I marry Michael, we'll be like sisters.


Okay, go talk to him.

I don't know.

I want to go baby shopping with you. Now go!

All right. Shut up.

Oh, my God. Casey.

Hey, Pinciotti. How you been?

Love the jeans.

Really? They're blue.


So what have you, like, you know, been up to?

I been working part-time for the railroad.

They leave a lot of stuff unlocked.

You need any Cheerios or rebar?

No, I'm good. Thanks.

Right on. Well, listen, I'll give you a call sometime, but right now I gotta go see a guy.

He's got a leather steering wheel cover.

Oh, yeah. For the Trans Am.

Yeah. I was thinking about using my GI Bill for college, but, uh, Trans Ams just kick so much ass.

I love the Trans Am.

Everybody does.

See ya. Okay, bye.

He's gonna call me.

You gave him your number?

Of course I... didn't. Damn it!

Oh, that's okay. Kelsos never call. They're like dogs.

They're cute, but they can't work a phone.

Hey, Jackie.

I thought about what you said.

About making money, so I can get you a Valentine's Day gift, right?

And then I realized that it'd mean a lot more if I gave you something that I crafted with my own two loving hands.

Oh, my God. It's horrible!

No, it's an address rock. You put it on your lawn.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

Michael, a rock is not a romantic gift.

And that's not even my address.

That's my address.

No, it isn't.

That's my dad's address rock!

No, it isn't!

Hey, Dad. You want this?

Thanks, son. I love you.

I'm sorry. What?

I love you. I really do.




What are you doing at my house?

Nothing. I just thought I'd come by and see what you were up to.

Oh, you're here to see Casey, aren't you?

Casey, your lover's here!

You love my brother. You're gonna do it with...

Ow! Mom!

Thank you. No problem.

Spaz face!

Hey, there. Hey.

Um, you were gonna call me, and I remembered I never, like, gave you my number.

So, anyway, here's my number.

Well, you know, I was gonna get that from you tomorrow night when we go out.

We're going out? Yeah.

I'll pick you up at The Hub after school.

I'll be in the Trans Am.

I love the Trans Am.

Everybody does.

Later, Pinciotti.


Mom, was Dad abducted by aliens and replaced by an identical creature programmed to love?

Honey, this is breakfast. Don't ask me things.

He told me he loved me.

Your father?



I think I know what happened.

I gave your father an early Valentine's Day card that said what a wonderful husband and father he is, and it rhymed, and maybe it touched him.

It didn't look like it touched him.

He just... He got up and got a beer.

But maybe deep down...

Deep, deep, deep down, something woke up.

I am so glad he loves you.

Yeah, but, Mom, this is weird. He's never said that. Ever.

I mean, one time I saved him from getting hit by a lumber truck, and I think he was about to say it, but then he said, "Get in the car."

But how am I supposed to handle this?

You think I should say it back?


He's gonna hit me.

Maybe not.

I can't believe that Jackie wants me to get a job.

I mean, my plan has always been to coast through life on my good looks.

I mean, look at me! It's like I was chiseled out of marble.

Okay, you guys, here it goes.

Dad, I love you.

I love you, Pop.

Poppy? Pappy? Daddy? No.

Oh, I have to... I have to stop eating Rhonda's chocolates.

Oh, it's hopeless.

Kelso, if you need to make some quick cash, just sell your blood.

And you! You've had enough of this!

No, I can stop anytime I want.

I am not selling blood.

I mean, there's no way that anything inside of my body's coming out for cash.

Well, that's too bad, Kelso, 'cause I hear there's this clinic in Madison that'll pay you for your, um, manly donations.

Manly donations?

No way!

They'll pay you for that?

Well, I'll do that. I'm good at that.

"Do you have any serious medical conditions?"

Puked after Crunch Berry eating contest.

You know what? I'll just finish that for you.

Thank you. Now, Mr. Chang,

you'll be in Room 2.

Some of our clients prefer a magazine.

Would you like one?

Nah. Farrah was on Carson last night.

I should be good to go.

Okay, so I was in the kitchen and Red came in, and I was gonna tell him I loved him.

But then he said if my hair got any longer, he was gonna buy me a pair of boobs. So...

Yeah, you're in a tough spot.

But just know I'm here for you, 'cause... I love you.

You know what would make Forman feel better? A piece of that candy.

No, no, no. There's only nine left.

I will guard them with my life.




Easiest money I ever made.

They paid me 50 bucks for my underpants navy.

You mean your corduroy commandos?

Yeah, your team from the inseam?

Your Battle-pants Galactica?

Battle-pants Galactica. Nice one. Wow.

It just came to me. Thank you.

Man, this job is the greatest.

It combines all my interests, hobbies and skills into one money-making endeavor.

I'm gonna get Jackie a sweet gift.

Popcorn? Dude!

Oh, forget it.

All right, Kelso. Where the hell is your moron brother?

He was supposed to meet me at The Hub, and he totally blew me off.

Whoa. A Kelso blew you off?

Oh, my God. What a shock.

Oh, hey, uh, Colonel Mustard called. He said, "Get a clue".

What is wrong with you Kelsos?

Did all of you get dropped on your heads?

You know, if you're mad at Casey, why don't you go yell at him?

I'm too tired from working all day to argue.

Oh, to be a working stiff.


Red, you big, old softy,

did anything special happen yesterday?

Special? Well, let's see.

The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in, and the sadistic son of a bitch found a cavity.

The next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs, and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw.

I spent the rest of the day in a fog.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. You don't remember what you said to Eric?

Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home.

All right, Dad.

Look, I tried to figure out the right words, and then I realized I just gotta say it. So...

Wait, Eric... Mom, please.

Dad, I...


He was drugged! you.

Go to your room.

Rhonda is going to be so disappointed.

All that remains is one lonely candy.


More candies!

It's a Valentine's Day miracle.

Oh, candy, you've got me under your spell!

Jackie, I couldn't wait till Valentine's Day.

So, here.

Oh, my God. Michael, these earrings are gorgeous.

Big day at the office?

Yeah, I worked a double shift.

Wait, wait. You got a job?

Michael, I am so proud of you.

Well, now, if it wasn't for you pushing me, I would've never realized how good it feels to roll up my sleeves, get a little sweaty and earn some cash.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I can't wait to come visit you at work.

That'll speed things up.

What's he talking about?


I've been selling my love nectar.


Michael, you can't do that. You're hot.

Women are gonna want to take your little Kelsos home.

Oh, my God, she's right.

Think about it. A world full of Kelsos.

Libraries will fall into disrepair.

There'll be feathered hair as far as the eye can see.

We'll have to put padding on every sharp corner!

Those sharp corners can be hazardous, man.

I mean, come on, it's 1978! Things should be round by now!

Hey! Hey, Casey!

Hey, Pinciotti.

What the hell happened to you? I was waiting at The Hub!

Oh, man.

See, the thing is, when I went to go pick up the steering wheel cover, the Trans Am was running kind of rough, so I thought I'd rebuild the carburetor.

But I was waiting at The Hub.

Well, you want a smooth ride, don't you?

I just think that if you say you're gonna be someplace, that you should be there.

Oh, man, I guess I flaked.

I've just got this thing where a lot of times I don't show up.

I don't know what to do about it.

How about showing up?

I guess I could give that a shot.

So this will never happen again?

No, I'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

But we'll light that firecracker when we come to it.

Fair enough.

I can't believe this. When I got here, I was so mad at you and I already totally forgave you.

Yeah. Everybody does.

I'm sorry, miss, but I can't give it to you.

The donor himself is the only one who has legal rights over the specimen.


Michael, you get them!

You're the only one who has rights over your "special men."

Jackie, what do you care what I do with my special men?

Specimen. I said, "Specimen."

I care because if there are gonna be any little Kelso babies, well, I want them to be ours.


You want to have my children? Well, yeah.

I mean, if you get rich and don't lose your hair, because I love you.

I love you, too.

You can't do that here.

Oh, she's right. Yeah, we'll be in Room 2.

Dad. Oh, crap.

I was hoping that you wouldn't find me back here.

Well, that's a good icebreaker. Look, um,

about the "love" incident...

All right. Stop right there.

There are only a few times in life when it's acceptable for a man to use that phrase.

When he's drunk, when he's dying or when he's in big trouble and that's the only way out.

Which usually means he's drunk.

So, other than that... Other than that, it's just a given.


Hey, you just kind of told me...

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. Well, I'm drunk.

Clearly, I'm drunk.

Daddy, be my Valentine.

Do I have to hit you? Go to your room.


Good news!

My boys are back in friendly hands.

Ironically, that's just where they started their journey.

That's a shame, Kelso.

It's the one job I knew you could've been a success at.

Thanks, Hyde.

Kelso, get that nasty bag of genetics out of my basement.

This bag?

Ahhh! Burn! It's just a big bag of candy.

Candy? What kind of candy?