That '70s Show S4E18 Script

Leo Loves Kitty (2002)

Hey, you guys! Great news!

I was walking around Halverson's department store, and the owner comes right up to me, and he offered me a modeling job.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Wait, wait. He just offered you a modeling job?

Yeah, sounds a little suspicious.

I mean, how do you know it was the owner?

Because it was Mr. Halverson.

How do you know it was Mr. Halverson?

Because I said, "Aren't you Mr. Halverson?"

And he said, "Yeah."

Hey, Hyde, aren't you Mr. Halverson?

Yeah.

See? Look, Michael. I've been in that store over a hundred times, and Mr. Halverson never asked me to be a model.

And if Mr. Halverson never asked me to be a model, then there's no Mr. Halverson.

It's a scam.

I don't know. It doesn't sound like a scam to me.

Thank you, Donna.

Sounds like Mr. Halverson wants you for his lover.

Either way, I'm flattered.

Hyde, will you teach me how to drive the El Camino?

Rhonda's car is a stick, and until I learn to drive it, I have to sit in the lady seat.

No way, man. The Camino's cherry. Please?

No. Please, please, please?

No.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please...

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please... All right! All right!

You can use the El Camino.

But you have to be careful, all right?

I don't want anything to happen to my baby.

Aw, thanks for your concern, Hyde, but I'll be fine.

And let the clutch out gently, okay?

This car's very powerful. Hyde.

We've been sitting here for half an hour.

Will you just shut your hole and let me drive?

Okay, you're clear.

In front of you.

Man, I picked a bad place to take a nap.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, Todd, I'm gonna take my break now. Michael's stopping by.

Still dating that guy?

I guess that's fine, if you like the handsome type.

But does he have a picture of himself with the guy who played Chewbacca?

'Cause I do.

Hey, Jackie! More great modeling news.

They're starting me in underwear.

Look, I got a W-4 and a body-waxing kit and everything.

Oh.

So you're really an underwear model?

No, not just underwear, briefs.

I mean, usually, you have to spend a year cutting your teeth in boxers before you even get into the tight stuff.

You know what? I don't have time for this right now.

It just isn't important.

But, Jackie...

Hey, maybe you didn't hear the lady.

She's busy. So hit the road, guy.

I'm her boyfriend, guy.

Nuh-uh.

When she works here, her boyfriend is every man, woman, and child that walks in here for cheese.

Well, I don't have any money for cheese.

But I'm going to go get some, and then we'll see whose boyfriend is whose.

Let me tell you something, Jackie.

As a roving associate junior manager for Cheese Palace Incorporated, I've seen a lot of things.

Some I can't talk about.

But I will tell you two things.

One, with the German population that this town has, we should be moving a lot more sausage.

Two, you're a stone-cold fox.

I've said too much. I'll be in the cooler.

Now, if your gown falls open again, there's no need to ring the little buzzer.

You can just cover up by yourself.

Okay, um, I'll be right back with your blankie.

Thankie.

Leo, I'm so sorry I hurt you.

That's all right, man. I'll be fine.

Least I still got it all up here.

But that's just good genes, man.

My father had a good hairline, too.

Well, nice job, Fez.

The fender's dented, the taillight's shot, so you owe me 80 bucks.

Okay, good luck with that.

I'm broke.

Well, like my mom used to tell me, "Shut up and give me some money!"

Hey, you guys, I was just next door, and you know that weird kid from school who's always saying he can fly?

Yeah, he can't.

So, Leo, how's the hospital?

Oh, it's great, man.

Cable TV, free parking, don't have to get out of bed to take a pee.

It's just like a hotel.

And Nurse Kitty and I have had some good times. j& Chances are j& 'Cause I wear a silly grin j& The moment you come into view j& Chances are you'll think j& That I'm in love with you j&

Okay, Leo, I'm going to get you a surprise dessert.

It jiggles and it rhymes with "Jerry cello."

I love you, too, Kitty.

I love you, too.

j& Chances are

j& Silly grin j&

Hey, Eric, where's Donna?

Oh, she's out with Kelso's brother.

Which means it's only a matter of time before she calls us from the holding cell.

Well, I need a woman's opinion.

Eh, you're close enough. Look.

I'm just really upset about Michael modeling.

I mean, that was our dream. Together.

But for me! j& There's a fragrance that's here today j& And they call it Jackie j& A flashy scent for your nasal caves j& And they call it Jackie j& Kind of new, kind of now, Jackie j& Kind of free, kind of wow, Jackie j& You won't be pretty like Jackie is j& But you'll smell like Jackie

j& Yeah j&

Wait, so, um, in your dream, you're a model, and Kelso's, um, not there.

Whereas in real life, Kelso's a model, and you, um, sell cheese.

That is delightful.

Hey, Red.

Could you give these to your wife, please?

And tell her I love her.

I'll give her the message. Thank you.

Oh, boy!

You got a date for the stoners' ball.

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Milk, eggs, coffee."

Who's the most handsome man on earth?

U-R.

Michael, I've thought about your modeling job, and I came to a decision.

I can't let you take your pants off in public.

But I take my pants off in public all the time.

You never said anything before.

Because before, you weren't doing it for your glamorous new career.

You were doing it for the love of being pantsless.

So, now promise me you won't do it.

Michael? Fine.

I plomise.

I heard that.

You said, "I plomise."

There is no "L" in promise.

Michael, promise me with an "R."

Fine! I promise.

Okay, you promise to what?

I promise I won't model my undelwear.

Michael!

Oh, fine!

That jerk. He really is a jerk.

And you smell nice.

So?

Does it make you wanna buy underwear?

No, it makes me wonder who this guy is you're massaging.

That's Daryl.

And we're not massaging. It's posing.

Shut up.

God, he's got a girlfriend. I've got a girlfriend.

Yeah, and her name is Daryl.

Hey, Fez.

Got that 80 bucks yet for the El Camino?

As a matter of fact, I do happen to not have it yet.

Well, why don't I hold on to this until you do?

My candy.

You'll get your 80 bucks.

In hell!

Hey, Jackie, how's it going?

You know, Michael, not so good.

You lied to me and you stole my dream.

How's it going besides that?

You knew I always wanted to be a model, and you took the job anyways.

I mean, if Mr. Halverson had offered me a job as a spaceman, I would have said no, 'cause that's your dream.

I thought that out of everyone, that you would be the one to be happy for me, 'cause you're supposed to love me.

Well, if that's what you expected from me, then obviously you don't know me very well.

Okay.

Well, when you're ready to apologize, I'll be downstairs modeling stuff.

But, Michael...

Oh, damn!

Man, if I was your boyfriend, I'd be giving up modeling for you, and then taking it back up again, just so I could give it up again.

Well, I'm off to the Fotohut.

Hope my new boyfriend doesn't try to make a pass at me.

I don't think we have to worry about that.

I see.

Kitty, I just mean the whole thing is so silly.

It's just so silly. It's silly.

Well, it didn't used to be silly.

I remember a time when you'd beat up a guy just for looking at me.

Oh, come on, Kitty. I'm not worried about you and other guys.

I mean, you're a little old for crushes.

What?

Oh, I didn't mean "old."

I meant advanced in beauty.

Hey. Michael and I had a fight.

Maybe if we pretend she's not here, she'll just go away.

I've tried. It doesn't work. Hmm.

Look, he actually stood up to me.

Things are changing between us.

I just don't know how to keep them the same.

I mean, he's not just modeling.

He's, like, leaving me behind.

Look, Jackie, you just...

You can't keep trying to control him.

Yeah, that's how Eric ran me off.

Yep, that's...

Thank you. Thank you for that.

Look, Jackie.

Take it from a guy who pretty much hasn't been to second base in over two months.

You gotta let him have his own life.

You know, maybe you guys are right.

Maybe the only way to keep someone you love is by letting them go.

You know, a teacher told me that once.

But she had grown-up braces, so I didn't listen.

Oh, no.

Yep, it's me.

Hey, is my lady around?

Leo, buddy, we gotta talk.

You're getting me in a lot of trouble around here.

Now, I'm begging you... Who is it, Red?

Listen, hophead!

I love that woman with a fiery passion that consumes my soul! That's right!

So you can either walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my boot in your ass!

Okay, I choose the one with nothing in my ass.

Good choice!

Well, Red,

that was a pretty good show you put on there.

You poured it on with a fiery passion that consumed your soul.

Hey, if you think I'm putting on a show to get out of the doghouse, you're way off-base.

If I wanted to get out of trouble, I'd just tell you how pretty you look, which I've been meaning to tell you.

You do.

Oh, stow it. Oh, fine.

But, Kitty, you gotta understand.

If I got mad at every guy that looked at you, I'd drive myself crazy.

I don't even wanna think about all those patients down at the hospital making googly eyes at you!

Not to mention the doctors.

Don't get me started on those perverts!

They think the nursing staff is their own personal dating service!

Glorified plumbers!

Okay.

All right, Red. You're getting very upset.

In fact, you look downright miserable.

That makes me so happy.

Hey, Donna. I just went to the store. Check out my new

empty bag.

Empty bag, huh?

If it's empty, why are you so excited?

Oh, well, because of its amazing potential for storage.

Storage, huh?

It better be storing an El Camino taillight.

Candy again?

You sick bastard!

You keep your distance, scallywag.

Hey! If you guys don't shut up, the phrase "empty bag" is gonna take on a whole new meaning for you.

Huh? What?

It's a thinker.

But trust me, you don't want it to happen.

Now, Hyde, you want money. Fez doesn't have it.

So we just need to think of something Fez can give you that's worth 80 bucks.

$18 is your change. Have a nice day.

Now, I know totally nude Fez isn't original, but everyone seems to be happy.

I'm happy.

I'm happy, too.

Hey, man, remember the 3-foot rule.

All right. I'll stay right over here.

Great. Okay, the ball's your best friend. Give it a big smile. Great.

Now you're mad at the ball. "Oh, I hate you, bad ball."

Great.

Oh.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Well, I didn't expect to come.

But I did a lot of thinking and...

No, no. What is it now?

You want me to drop out of high school?

Join the Salvation Army and go off and fight wars?

I came here to talk to you about your modeling and... Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important.

Sound familiar? Oh, yeah.

You should go now. Wait, but...

Okay. Hey, let's build a sandcastle.

Oh, and it's your favorite thing in the world. Great!

Hey, some jerk just kicked it over. Boo-hoo-hoo.

Great.

Todd, what are you doing here?

I saw you fighting with Michael.

I thought there might be a problem.

Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, you know what would make you feel better?

Coming to see a movie with me.

You know what?

Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

Mr. Forman, Mrs. Forman. How may I help you?

You can help me by getting some pants on.

And for the lady?

I'll have what he's having.

Say, don't come to my house anymore.

Go, honey, go!