That '70s Show S4E19 Script

Jackie's Cheese Squeeze (2002)

Jackie, you clocked out half an hour ago.

Did you come back to tell me something?

Because I feel the same way.

I was waiting outside for Michael to pick me up, but the idiot never showed.

That's the third time this week.

Three strikes and he's out, according to the rules of baseball, and love.

Actually, it's four strikes, if you count the time he showed up late

'cause he had to see how The Jetsons ended.

Man, first he goes behind your back and takes that modeling job, and now this whole Jetsons thing?

No futuristic cartoon could ever keep me from you.

I just don't know what's happening to us.

Okay. Jackie, you need to cheer up.

And the first step to cheering up is giving Todd a hug.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I am so glad I went shopping today.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

What do I do? Run like the wind!


Did you get a haircut? 'Cause I love it.

You look just like Parker Stevenson.

Oh, really? 'Cause I told the guy that he should...

No, no, no! That's not gonna work, tramp-face.

I saw tongue.

Okay, Eric, I know you and I don't have the best relationship.

You mean, I hate you, and you hate me? Right.

So, let's turn over a new leaf by you never telling Michael what you think you just saw.


Or I could just torture you with this information until I'm bored.


Okay, you know what? I'll make you a deal.

You can buy two guaranteed hours of silence by carving this wheel of cheddar into a handsome likeness of me.

And, go.

Red, dinner's ready. Five more minutes, Kitty.

A bunch of birds threw a "crap on my Corvette" party.

If I don't get it out, the paint will oxidize. Oxidize!

Well, why don't you just put the car in the garage?

Because if I put the car in the garage, I can't see it from the dinner table.

Kitty, don't give advice about things you don't understand.

Okay. I'm the crazy one.

Well, let's just go ahead and eat.

Oh, we're not doing that yet?

You know, ever since Red got his new car, he can barely tear himself away from it.

You better watch out, Kitty, or you're gonna end up a Corvette widow.

Oh, no, he loves that car. He deserves it.

The last treat he bought himself was a pellet gun to shoot the chipmunks that were stealing our tomatoes.

And I had to throw that away, because it was giving him war nightmares.

I'm glad you threw it out. That thing hurt.

Kitty, I know what I'm talking about.

As soon as my ex-husband got a boat, it was like he forgot I even existed.

So I divorced him, took the boat, and spent a vigorous three-day weekend on it with the harbor master.

I don't think that's kitchen talk.

Okay, okay.

I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop!

The little dude.

No way!

Yup. But you're the only one I told, so don't say a word to anyone.

Okay, my little secret squirrel?

My lips are sealed.

Good. 'Cause I knew I could count on you.

You always can.

Think about it.

We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends.

I live for days like this!

Oh, but just remember, you're the only one I told.

Your secret's safe with me.

Well, you missed a nice dinner.

Joanne said the funniest thing.

She said I was gonna end up a Corvette widow.

Isn't that a kick?

Oh, Kitty, I wouldn't leave you for the car.

Who'd make dinner?

Oh, no.

I think it's the time to prove Joanne wrong.

How are you gonna prove Joanne wrong?

What surprising and thoughtful deed are you gonna do to prove Joanne wrong?

I'm gonna prove Joanne wrong by taking you out on a special date soon. Tomorrow. Good answer!

Oh, hey, guys. It's Kelso's loyal girlfriend, Jackie.

Hi, Jackie.

Okay, I'm not here to stay. I just came to get Michael. Come on.

Oh, no, stay. We're just gonna hang out and fool around.

We all know how much you like to

fool around.

Okay, Michael, come on. Let's go to The Hub.

No, I want to stay here and fool around.

So, hey, Jackie, how's it going down at the cheese shop?

You must be so tired from giving it away at the mall.

What are you laughing at?

I don't know. What are you laughing at?

I don't know.

What are you laughing at? What are you laughing at?

I don't know.

What are you laughing at?

I really don't know.

Come on, Michael. Let's go. No, let's stay.

We could play Monopoly.

Oh, but that wouldn't be much fun, since we all know that Jackie cheats.

I do not!

Oh, you do cheat. We've all caught you.

Red, this is supposed to be our special date.

There is nothing special about an auto show!

Oh, no?

How about it's special 'cause you're the only woman here.

You're the queen of the auto show!

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept... Oh, come on, Kitty.

It'll be fun.

You're always saying how we should share each other's interests.

I only said that to get you to go to the figurine festival.

Okay, I do. I want us to share our interests, so I'll start.

Teach me about cars.

I'm excited!

That's my girl.

Holy crap.

Look at the paint job on that T-Bird.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Wait, wait. Wait here?

Well, someone's gotta guard the car.

Who better than the queen?

Not on the bumper!

Oh, Jackie, great. Just the person I was looking for.

Look, I've got this itch

right above my shoulder. Be a good girl.

Give a little scratch.

Eric, I came here to talk to you about what happened yesterday.

Okay, but I can't hear you if you're not scratching.


Things between me and Michael have been weird lately.

And when Todd kissed me, I guess I just gave in 'cause I felt vulnerable.

But I made a terrible mistake.

And I was hoping you'd show me some compassion.


Wait, is that the feeling you get when someone just shined your shoes?

Because if so, you are in luck.

And, go.

You know what?

I don't think so.

See, I may have kissed Todd, but you knew about it all along and didn't tell Michael.

And that is way worse than what I did.

Wait, what? Yeah.

See, girlfriends are supposed to lie. That's what we do.

But best friends are supposed to be loyal, and you weren't.

So guess what?

You're screwed, 'cause I'm telling Michael everything!

You wouldn't.

Oh, I so would.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Well... Well... Well, this certainly blew up in my face!

When I tell Michael what you did, he's gonna forget all about what I did.

Unless I get to him first.

You wouldn't.

Well, to quote a certain manager-kissing cheese maiden I know, "I so would!"

And, go!

Not here. Damn it.

Okay, Todd. Look, I know we kissed, and it was probably, like, the best kiss you'll ever have.

But it didn't mean anything, and nothing's gonna come of it.

So you're gonna have to get over me.

Oh, and you know what? Please don't fire me, because I really need this job.

Okay? Great. See you tomorrow.

Look, Kelso, I am so sorry.

Get out of my way. Wait, Michael.

Great. He hates me, right? No. He hates me.

We didn't even talk about you.

I mean, I told him about the kiss, and he just stormed off.

I couldn't even tell him I'm sorry.

Okay, well...

I'm not going to feel sorry for you, so...

Yeah. I mean, you can't make me.

I just love him so much.

Oh, God.

Okay, look. Jackie.

It's just one kiss, right? That's not so bad.

Just tell Kelso what you told me about, you know, how you felt vulnerable and stuff.

He doesn't even want to see me.

So, you know what?

We'll go hang out in my basement and wait for him to come by.

He left his bouncy ball there, so, you know, he's bound to be by sometime.

You'd do that for me?

As long as you promise not to rat me out.


So, friends?

As long as you promise not to tell people we're friends.

You guys are never gonna believe this.

Jackie cheated on me.

With the cheese guy!


Yeah. I was just as shocked as you are.

Well, thank God all she did was kiss him.


Wait. How do you know all she did was kiss him?


I didn't say kiss.

Don't make fun of my accent.

That cheese guy's lucky he's a little fellow, or I'd kick his ass.

Just boom! Right in the ass!

Hey, man, you gotta kick his ass.

Like, on Fantasy Island, if Tattoo took one of Mr. Roarke's women up to his little tower and put it to her, Roarke would slap that little dude like a drunk Southern widow!

Then he'd hit him off with some vicious voodoo.

Yeah. Voodoo on Tattoo.

Voodoo. Tattoo.


Honeydew. Kung fu.


I'm done.

Well, look who's finally back.

While you were gone, some guy came by to compliment me on my headlights.

Pretty sure he wasn't talking about the car.

I got us funnel cakes!

It's like a second honeymoon.

Kitty, not in the car.

Hey, nice 'vette.

You should come see the custom job I did on mine.

Cost me $3,000 and a marriage.

$3,000? And a marriage!

I'll only be a minute, Kitty.

What are you looking at, gear-head?

Your ass is mine, cheese puff!

How did you know my nickname?

Wait, your nickname's Cheese Puff?

Stay focused. Kick his ass!

Yeah, right. Good. Yeah.

What do you think you're doing kissing my girlfriend, huh? Huh?

Well, maybe if you paid more attention to that gorgeous creature than your little modeling gig, it wouldn't have happened.


That picture sold hundreds of young men's briefs all over the greater Kenosha area!

It's true. I bought three pairs. Very supportive.

Yeah, so look.

I know you're a little fellow, but I can't let you go around kissing my girlfriend.

So you're gonna have to take a punch.

I understand.

That didn't look like it hurt him at all.

Well, I guess it's my turn.

Okay. I didn't mean to scare you, little guy.

I'm a black belt.

All right! Didn't see that coming.

Thanks to your funnel cake accident, I'll have to spend half the night cleaning out the car.

Well, I hope you two will be very happy together.

Mrs. Forman!

Mrs. Forman, I have a black eye, and I need ice!

I'm not doing anything else for men today.

Just go away.

No. I'm not gonna go away.

I'm having a really bad day.

I got decked by a guy who kissed Jackie. He was huge.

And she thinks that it was okay to kiss him, because I've been ignoring her for work, which I barely did.

And I got a black eye, and I need someone to care about me!

Well, well, well.

Michael ignored Jackie, and she kissed another boy.

That is completely different!

He ignored her for a stupid job.

I ignored you for a car.


Oh, burn.

How many times you want to get hit today?

Kitty, I'm sorry.

Next time, I'll be happy to forget about the car and go to whatever figurine, quilting, macrame, man-killing thing you want to do.

Actually, there's a knitting bee at the community center right now.

You're kidding.

And you know what they say about those knitters, "They spin quite a yarn!"

You know what would really teach me a lesson?

Leaving me at home to, you know, think about what I've done.

If you're not in that car in two seconds, I'll make you carry my knitting basket.

Coming, dear.

Wait, wait, wait. So Kelso got beat up?

Yeah, by the little dude at the cheese shop.

It was awesome, man.

Like a hurricane of tiny fists.

All right, look. Jackie, here's the deal.

You cheated on me.

You used to cheat on me all the time.


Well, yeah.

But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

I didn't cheat out of hate, Michael.

I cheated because lately you've been acting like I don't exist.

Well, I sure know you exist now that you frenched the whole mall!

Look, I know that I need to pay more attention to you, and I want to forgive you, but I have all this anger built up inside of me and nowhere to put it.

Eric knew about the kiss all along and didn't tell you.

You knew?

Jackie. What'd you expect?

You're a dead man, Forman.

Get him, Michael.

Well, guys, uh, just so you're up to speed, I knew about the kiss all along.

Eric told me.

He made me his secret squirrel.


That dillhole said I was the only one he told.

Me, too! Me, too!

It was hilarious. You guys should've seen it.

Kelso's foot got stuck in a gopher hole, and... And...

Why are you guys all looking at me like that?

I was your secret squirrel, you son of a bitch!

Get him!

The '58's the only one with the chrome detail.


Men and cars. Never got it, never will.