That '70s Show S4E2 Script

Eric's Depression (2001)

Hey, Mrs. Forman. Hey, Red.

Hello, boys.

You're up bright and early this morning.

Yeah. We're going to Funland.

It's super fun.

Oh, Red, remember how we used to take Eric there when he was little?

Remember how I used to get on the roller coaster with him, and then just before we took off, I'd jump out and wave goodbye?

Boy, did he scream.

Well, it sounds like fun. Super fun.

And we figured Eric could use some fun, you know, since he and Donna broke up.

What? Broke up?

Yeah, I heard Donna dumped his ass.

That's funny. I heard Eric was the one who dumped Donna.

Sure, he did. I don't think so.

Yeah, right.

Well, Eric must be just a wreck.

Fine. I'll just listen to AM.

That's just cruel.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Come on, Forman. Get out of bed.

Yes, we have to go to Funland before all the fun is gone.

I'm not going.

Jesus. Forman, man, snap out of it.

So you had one of the hottest chicks in Point Place and you blew it.

Could be worse.

No, it couldn't.

I mean, Eric, come on, it's not all bad.

I mean, hey, think about Bob being your father-in-law.

That guy would be in all your wedding pictures.

Guys, I don't want to talk about Donna, and I don't want to go to Funland.

Fine. If you're not going with us, we'll stay here with you.

We're not going to Funland?

Don't touch the G.I. Joes.

Hey, Eric, did you... Hey, buddy, can we not talk?


Fine. We're going to Funland.

Good. Go.

You know what? I'm glad you are not going to Funland, because you will suck the fun right out of it.

And then it would just be called "Landland."

I'm sorry. I'll get you a candy apple, okay?

Okay, okay, I got Eric out of bed. He's on his way down.

Now remember, don't say anything about Donna.

He'll talk when he's ready.


Gee, Son, you look like you've just been dumped.

I wasn't dumped, okay?

We broke up.

Yeah, well, run it off.

Do you want to talk about it, honey?

No. Okay.

Are you sure? Yes.

Yes, I'm sure. Okay. Let's not talk.

Eric, you are a handsome young man with a lot to offer.


Can I go now? No, no, no. Not until you eat.

You look like you haven't eaten for a week.

Oh, come on, Kitty. He always looks like that.

Well, maybe so.

But he won't have the strength to get over Donna if he doesn't eat.


I'll eat.

Just no more talking about Donna.

For one minute, I'd like to not think about Donna.

No Donna.

Red, you should go talk to him.

What? Why me?

Well, because I don't really know how to mend a broken heart.

I've never been dumped.

Oh, I don't believe that.

Why not?

Well, there are certain things about you that are annoying

that other people might not have been as tolerant of.

You're bald!

See? Like that.

Okay, Michael, now we have to stay together.

Every time we come here you get lost.

Damn, Jackie, there's fun around every corner.

Michael, what are the rules?

Uh, no hitting you from behind with the bumper cars.


And no riding the goats at the petting zoo.


We have to stay together, Michael!


Balloons! Stay!

Hey there, kids! I'm Woofy, the Funland dog, and I'm here to make sure that you have fun, fun, fun!

Touch me like that again, you're gonna eat your Alpo through a straw, straw, straw.

Whoa, okeydokey.

Well, I'm going down to the saloon to look for the guy who shot my paw.

Oh, my God. That was Woofy and he talked to us.

Okay, guys, we gotta pick a place to meet in case we split up.

How about the corner of Fun Street and Fun Boulevard?

I mean, that should be easy enough for even Michael to remember.


Great. Now we'll never find him.

Ah, sure we will.

All we have to do is show people his picture, and they'll help us find him.

You have a picture of Kelso in your wallet?

Of course. I carry pictures of all my friends.

You're friends with Nipsey Russell?

I want to be.

Now, I know he's in there. Go talk to him.

I don't want to. Fine.

But when I broke up with Archie Wilkins, he lived with his parents until he was 40.

Good God, Kitty.

That's another 23 years.

All right. I'm going in.

Hey, Eric.

How you doing?

Dad, I'm really not in the mood for conversation.

Good. Then I'll talk, and you listen.

I ever tell you the story about Larry "No Foot" Mulligan?

Well, I can guess. He had no foot?

Larry was a buddy of mine who lost his foot during the war.

And then, on his way back to the States, old One Foot, at that point we were calling him "One Foot," had his ship go down, and a shark ate his other foot.

But he made it all the way back home.

And you know what happened to him when he got here?

He overcame his handicap and, ironically, became a shoe salesman?

No. His girlfriend dumped him.

Well, thank God it had a happy ending.

Look, the point of the story is, you've got both feet.

You'll be fine.

Now, put some shoes on, go on down and trim the hedges.

Yeah. Well, you know, I think I'm just gonna stay up here.

Yeah. Well, you know, I think you're not!

Hi. Have you seen him? His name is Kelso.

Kelso's trapped in a box?

Hey. Fez, check it out.

"Fun university."

Now check out the back.


I don't get it.

FU, man.


Oh, right. Fu.

That's a good one. That's a good one.

I tried to look for Michael, but I can't see over the crowd.

Oh, I wish Donna was here. She's a giant.

Ah, don't remind me.

I asked her and asked her and asked her to come, and she just kept saying, "Get out of my bathroom, Fez."

Well, we still have to find Michael. So, what time is it?

Did someone ask what time it is?

Why, here in Funland, it's always fun o'clock.

-j& Fun -j& Fun

-j& Fun -j& Fun j& It's always fun o'clock in Funland j&

Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot, you morons.

Hey, you guys wouldn't happen to know what time it is, would you? j& It's always fun o'clock in Funland Oh, yeah! j& Which means it's fun o'clock in Funland Rock on! j& If you don't believe it We'll tell you once again j&

I thought we were in love, you know?

Oh, God.

And then it all just blows apart.

And all that's left is this big hole, you know?

No, I don't.

Oh. But there is a gopher hole out back.

And if you shove the hose down and flush him out, I'll stand at the other end and hit him in the head with a shovel.


Just go, Dad. Thanks. Thank you.

Well, I see sunshine outside, but I don't see sunshine inside.

Wanna talk about the breakup, Bambi?

No, Dad, I don't want to talk about it.

You know, we were happy.

But he had to push me.

He had to define everything and get his little ring on me.

And by the time it was over, we weren't even together anymore.

I'm fine. Son of a bitch.

Listen, when you're done...

I know, I know. Put the bags on the curb.


"Hey"? Is that all you have to say to me?

Well, what do you have to say to me?


How about this? Hey.

I'm not wrong! You are wrong, you dillhole!

Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dillhole!

"Double dillhole?"

Oh, jeez.

You were outside. You were happy.

Why are you back in bed?

Well, I guess all that fresh air got me thinking that I'd rather be in bed.

Yeah, well, get up. It's time to go to work.


Oh, and, uh, you don't have to worry about that gopher.

It's as dead as you and Donna.

Too soon, huh?

I can't believe you two.

Poor Michael is lost, and all you've done is gone on rides and had fun.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's the Funland Princess!

The Funland Princess?

I haven't been on that ride yet.

So, I figure this is the lost and found, and I lost my friends, so they're bound to show up here sooner or later.


I miss my friends.

I miss my friends.

What? What?

Stop it. Stop it.

No. Stop copying me!

Stop copying me!

I'm stupid. You're stupid.

Damn it!

Hey, how about that new cashier at work?

Not bad, huh?

Single, too.

Dad, I'm not... What? Is it the braces?

Well, you know what helps a fellow get over a gal?

Pimiento loaf.


What happened here, Red?

I thought you were gonna help him.

Kitty, I yelled at him all day.

I don't know what else to do.

Well, how did you get through your first breakup?

What's to get over?

It happened. I took it like a man.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, Eloise.

Oh, Eloise!

My life is over.

Yep. Took it like a man.

That was the House of Mirrors?

I have more mirrors than that in my purse.

Why is everyone leaving?

Oh, my God. What time is it?

Did someone ask what time it is?

Yeah, we know. It's fun o'clock. Get killed.

No, it's closing time, kids. Time for you to go.

But... But, Woofy, we still haven't found our friend.

Yeah? Well, golly gee, that's... That's just too...

Come on. Get out.

Oh. Except for you!

All right. Let's go. Okay, now what about Michael?

There's been lost dogs who've traveled hundreds of miles to be reunited with their families.

Now, Kelso is not as smart as that,

but I'm sure he can make it the 12 miles back to Forman's.

So, me and this girl Eloise were together for a while.

Everything was great.

But when things started getting serious, she dumped me.

Man, that... That hurt like hell.

Did you cry? No.

No, no.

But there were times when I thought I would never get over it.

But time passed.

I moved on.

And then the day came when I didn't think about her as much.

Then a couple of more days came along, and, why, I thought about her even less.

Then one day, I didn't think about her at all.

And then that made me sad.

We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?

Yes, we do.

It's just...

It hurts, you know.

Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together.

You can stay in bed and sleep, watch TV, whatever you need to do.

Thank you, Dad.

And, you know, not that it matters, but Donna didn't dump me.

I broke up with her.

Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

Thanks a lot for the ride, Mrs. Anderson.

Hey, Einstein, you gonna eat that ice cream?

My name's not Einstein.

It's Kelso. And, yeah, I'm gonna eat it.

That's it!

Get out! They started it.


See ya, Einstein.

It's not Einstein! It's Kelso!