That '70s Show S4E20 Script

Class Picture (2002)

Now, Michael. Michael, for your yearbook picture, don't forget to do the over-the-shoulder shot. That's the best one.

Oh, yeah. I love that pose.

It makes me look coy.

Ha.

Hey, guys, Tommy Hedges just got his picture taken with a big, old booger.

So, why were you in Tommy Hedges' picture?

So, wait. He had a booger, and you didn't tell him?

He'll find out. It'll be in the yearbook.

It's true. That's how I found out I was adorable.

No, seriously.

The only thing more important than your yearbook picture is your yearbook quote.

I already got that covered.

My quote's gonna be, "What a long, strange trip it's been".

Yeah, that's freaking profound.

Kelso, every lame-o hippie in the history of time has used that quote.

Well, yeah. That's 'cause it's good.

No, Michael. Your quote has to be meaningful, so you can remember the good times when you're, like, 30, with no reason left to live.

Okay, hidden in Jackie's extremely disturbing thought is a grain of truth.

We need a really good quote this year.

Well, all the best quotes are about things that mean a lot to you.

Like, for example, me.

Or my hair, or my personality, or the sparkle I bring to your dull, grey lives.

Or the feeling of relief we get when you leave the room.

No. You know what? We need a quote about all of us.

Like, maybe, like, how we all met.

Remember how we first met?

Oh, is this a sexy story?

It's really more sad than sexy.

Yeah.

That's pretty much how it goes for you, isn't it?

Yeah.

Okay, now, got your brownies for the new neighbors, Eric?

Yes, Mommy.

How do I look?

Well, you got a little something...

Don't touch it!

I had to sleep sitting up to keep it like this.

Well, I just hope these new neighbors are better than the last one.

That Gus Griffin was a complete dumbass.

Hiya, neighbors!

Well, hello. We were just coming to welcome you.

Looks like we beat you to the punchity-punch.

Oh, damn.

I'm Bob Pinciotti. This is my daughter, Donna.

My wife Midge'll be over later.

Her thumb's caught in something right now.

Well, we've all done that.

I guess.

Well, I'm Kitty, and this is Red, and this is our son Eric.

Eric, say hello to Donna.

What are you looking at, string bean?

Wow.

You're strong.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

That's... Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

None of you were punched by Madam Man-fist here.

But you were creepy. What can I say?

Forman beat up by a girl.

Seems like only yesterday.

Oh, wait. I think it happened yesterday, too.

That's... You like that story, Hyde?

Maybe I should talk about the first time you and I met.

No. Yes.

No! You promised! Yes. I'm telling!

Thanks for walking me home, Steven.

That redheaded girl hits really hard.

Some advice? Never let a girl stand on your head like that.

Bad for the rep.

Okay, Steven.

And it's Hyde.

Thanks, Hyde.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek?

You know, Hyde and Seek!

That's stupid.

And you owe me a quarter.

Well, now. Who do we have here?

This is Hyde.

Oh, you have a new little friend.

Red, get the camera.

I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.

Kitty, don't embarrass the boy.

Oh, don't be silly. It's nice to have a new friend.

Especially one who's so dirty.

You know what's fun?

I'm sorry, Son.

If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you.

Now I have to kill you.

I don't know. I like to bathe with friends.

They can reach places you can't.

Yeah. That's probably best kept to yourself, buddy.

You guys, look at Eric's last-year's picture.

The famous makeup-covered zit.

Look, I just wanted one year of clear skin to remember.

And if that means breaking out the old powder puff, so be it.

Yeah, you've really never had a zit-free picture.

Remember the one on his nose?

And the one on his lip?

And the one on the one on his lip?

And the one we thought was a second little alien Eric growing out of his cheek?

I mean no harm to your planet.

I will attack if you attempt to pop me.

Ah, zits.

Hey, those days are over, okay?

I'm zit-free this year, and you wanna know why?

I have become a man.

No, I'm serious. I am man. I am zitless.

Hear me roar.

That should be our yearbook quote.

What about a quote from the happiest day of our lives?

When was that?

The day you met me.

Then Potsie says, "Sit on it," right to the Fonz's face!

Now, that's brave!

Hey, what's with Donna?

What? We're just friends.

God, why would you even ask that? I don't like her.

Me and Donna? It's gross!

Hey, man, I was just asking why she wasn't in class today.

Oh.

Well, then, never mind.

Busted!

Help.

Americans, please help me!

What was that?

It's coming from in here.

Oh. Hello.

Who the hell are you?

I am the new foreign exchange student.

The football team asked me if I wanted to hang out.

I shouldn't have said yes.

I can't feel my legs.

What are you gonna do? I'm gonna chuck it at him.

No, man. Leave him alone.

Look, man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me.

Thanks.

You're my best friend. Let's hold hands.

No.

Let's go.

I'm Hyde.

I'm Eric.

Oh, you're the one that loves Donna.

I do not!

Well, my name is...

Okay, I'm not gonna remember that.

I know. Let's call him Captain Poo-face!

My eye! God!

Yeah, this happens a lot.

I'm sure it does, Donna lover.

I forgot about Captain Poo-face!

And I did not like her then!

Damn!

You know what I love about Kelso?

Hyde just keeps beating the crap out of him.

That is false!

Name one time!

With pleasure.

I love mashed potatoes.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-oh.

Not my eye!

Foul.

You know what's foul? Your playing.

That's my eye. God.

Change it back. No.

Change it back.

No.

My eye!

Seriously, man. You keep hurting my eye.

That's a terrible story.

I'm not even in that one.

That's what makes it good.

Okay, people, please remain calm. I'm still zit-free.

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it!

Okay, stop goofing around.

We need to think of a better memory.

What about the day I met you? All of you.

You're gonna like Donna. She's pretty cool, man.

Hyde! Wow! Sorry. Wow!

What? You're right. I like her!

No, wait! I didn't see! Wait!

Donna?

Now, that's a good memory.

Or should I say "mammary"?

I don't want to remember that story.

It just reminds me that I'm the only one here who's never seen Donna's jahoobs.

Well, it's not like you never tried.

Oops, sorry!

Oh, damn.

Oops, sorry!

Damn.

Oops, sorry!

Damn it!

Hey. Speaking of boobs, Forman's growing one out of his forehead.

What?

Oh, Eric, your curse has returned.

Yeah, and it needs a bra.

Oh, yeah. Dolly Parton called your forehead.

She wants her boob back.

God, I can actually see this thing growing.

It's like Jiffy Pop.

My friend once, he had this really big zit, and he tried to pop it, and all the pus went into his brain, and it killed him.

Really, Kelso? What friend?

You didn't know him. That's 'cause he doesn't exist.

'Cause he's dead now!

People, we are losing focus here.

Well, what is our quote gonna be?

And let's remember, our goal is to have it be about me.

I can't think about anything right now except Forman's zit.

It's hypnotic.

It sort of follows you around the room like the Mona Lisa.

All right.

Hey, you wanna know something that's even funnier than Eric's zit?

The day I met Jackie.

You're Donna? We haven't met before.

I guess because I'm richer than you.

Hey, Jackie.

That hurt, you lumberjack!

Welcome to public school.

I can't believe I missed that.

You know, when you laugh, you get a little wrinkle in your zit.

It's got personality.

Okay, well, what am I supposed to do?

It hurts way too much to pop.

Come here, man. Let me see it.

What?

Quit it! Yeah.

Kelso's friend died that way.

Donna, he did!

Whatever.

Look, all I know is there's gotta be some good quote of Jackie getting hit in the head.

Like, "Awesome! Jackie got hit in the head!"

No. No, no. That's a stupid story.

You know, I want to remember the happy times.

Maybe something romantic.

Like our first date.

Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell it.

Red, Michael's in the fort with another girl.

All right. Everybody out.

Michael Kelso, have you been playing doctor with the Burkhart girl?

No. I am a doctor.

Good one.

I mean, you're a very bad boy.

Don't yell at him.

I love him.

Michael, that was not our first date!

Yeah, but I got further on that day than I did on our actual first date, so that's what I like to remember.

Yeah, you made a great impression on my parents that year.

Hi, Mr. Forman. Is Eric home?

Yes, but, uh...

Kitty?

Oh, my.

Michael, honey, did you maybe forget something?

What?

My pants!

Why doesn't anyone just tell nice stories?

Everyone can think of a quote. I mean, why can't we?

Why don't we use Lisa Manning's?

"Hanging at the mall. Kahlua and ice cream.

"Bobby Sutton's a god. Yeah."

God, this is so sad.

It's like, what have we been doing with our lives?

Hey, Kelso, who's got stronger powers?

I Dream of Jeannie or Samantha from Bewitched?

That's easy. Samantha.

Witches totally beat genies, 'cause witches can fly.

Game over.

Hey, why does Jeannie wear those see-through clothes?

It's gross.

And it makes me feel funny.

No way is Samantha hotter than Jeannie.

Hey, I heard they made an episode they never aired, where Jeannie gets totally naked.

The government banned it.

All I know is, with one little nose twitch, Samantha's clothes could be off!

And that's hot.

What if you didn't have to choose?

What if you could be with both at the same time?

Is that legal?

Hey, man, if you don't get caught, everything's legal.

Stolen pretzel?

Guys, this conversation is over.

Yesterday, Samantha went back in time.

That trumps anything Jeannie ever did.

Oh, yeah? Well, Jeannie can freeze time.

So, Samantha would go back, and Jeannie could just freeze her there.

Who kicked whose ass then?

You know what would decide this whole thing?

A little Samantha-on-Jeannie mud wrestling.

I'd pay a dollar to see that.

All I know is, Samantha helps Darrin at work, but what does Jeannie do for Major Nelson?

Turns his boss into a monkey.

This is not helpful.

I gotta call Major Nelson's sexuality into question here.

I mean, any guy who's got a half-naked genie, he's got her doing more than his laundry.

Hey, you know what would be best?

Samantha's hair, Jeannie's pretty bottle room and Wonder Woman's accessories.

Hey, guys, we've been talking about this for a really, really long time.

I got it. I got the quote.

"What a long, strange trip it's been in Forman's basement."

Yeah.

We have made a lot of memories in that basement.

Too bad we can't remember any of them.

All right, you guys. I think it's ready.

I'm off to pop.

Wait a minute. I hate that quote.

My name isn't anywhere in that quote.

Okay, fine. You know, I'll just make my quote, "What a long, strange trip it's been

"with Jackie Burkhart."

Yeah, okay, but without the "long, strange trip" part.

All right. So I'll just write... "I love Jackie Burkhart."

Okay.

Okay, you guys, I did it. Looks better, right?

Nice. Yeah. Totally does. Great.

Great. All right. Picture time.

Yeah, I'll meet you guys in there. I gotta change my blouse.

Everybody out.

Oops, sorry! Kelso!

Kelso, we just talked about this today!

Well, damn, Donna, if you'd just let me see them, I'd stop.

Fine.

They're beautiful.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j&

Hello, Wisconsin!