That '70s Show S4E21 Script

Prank Day (2002)

Hey, Kelso.

Well, that's a mighty big smile.

What, did you get into the Play-Doh?

No. I'm happy 'cause today is Gift Day.

And in honor of this special day, I got you all gifts.

All right. Aerosmith Live!

Yeah, for my friend who rocks.

Oh, man. The new Rolling Stone.

For my friend who reads.

Oreos.

For my friend who snacks.

A triple-decker burn! Awesome!

What. There's peanut butter on my headphones!

These cookies are filled with toothpaste!

All right. That noise did not come out of my butt.

Welcome to Prank Day.

That's right. It's Prank Day.

Gift Day. You idiots.

A whoopee cushion? What are you, two?

These things are great.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

You got something in your ear, man.

What?

Oh, my goodness. It's peanut butter!

Peanut butter wet willy. Very clever.

But the thing about it is, you don't have to be clever.

Okay. Okay. This Prank Day is over.

Let's just watch TV.

Hey, Fez, I think there's a Nancy Drew on.

She can solve my mystery any day.

And by the way, the mystery is in my pants.

Okay. That's it. I got a peanut in my ear.

Yeah. I used chunky, so it might get up in your brain.

Yeah. Laugh it up now, man, 'cause fun time is over.

What the hell? I'm stuck.

I have been glued!

Not glued, Super-Glued.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So you covered the freezer handle and the TV knob in Super Glue?

Knowing Forman's love for Popsicles and Fez's love for knobs!

Yeah. I'm an evil mastermind.

Kelso, is there a cushion glued to my butt?

No. Not glued, Super-Glued.

You're a dead man. Yeah?

What are you gonna do? Sit on me with your cushion-butt?

It won't hurt, 'cause it's a cushion-butt.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

If you could be the princess in any country, what country would it be?

I pick Monaco.

See, I always wanted to wear my crown with a bikini.

Donna, you're not listening to me! This is my life here.

Oh. Sorry. It's just...

You know, today would've been my parents' anniversary.

But my mom's gone, my dad's with Joanne, and Casey's out of town.

So it just kind of sucks.

You know what you need? A little Jackie magic.

I am gonna dedicate my whole day to you.

Oh, like you did last month, when I had to hold your corn dog and guard the van while you and Kelso did it at the 4-H fair?

Yeah. Wasn't that fun?

Man, I can't wait to see this big bucket of oatmeal landing on Kelso's big bucket of a head.

Well, good gracious, who's all this oatmeal for?

It's for the oatmeal drive.

For the Needy Oatmeal Lovers of America.

Right, the NOLOA.

This tastes awful.

You know, just because they're hoboes doesn't mean they don't respond to herbs and spices.

You know what? It's a good point, Mom, but you better leave, 'cause we don't like to do our charity work in front of other people.

Well, now, don't be silly. I'll help you. Where'd I put my brown sugar?

Oh, I'm right here, honey buns.

Okay. I'm here for our slumber party.

Wow.

When you said you were gonna dedicate your whole day to me, I figured that meant only until we left The Hub.

No. I promised you 24 hours of Jackie time, which is equal to seven days of an ugly person's time.

Well, it's just, I'm in the middle of this really good book.

Donna, books are for prisoners.

Now, I brought tons of activities.

First, some makeup for your long-overdue facial overhaul.

The greatest board game ever, Mystery Date.

And, wait. Best of all, my stuffed animals so we can perform an all-unicorn rendition of Grease.

This is perfect.

We are so gonna nail Kelso.

I still say we should have shaved his privates.

That's a burn that keeps on burning.

Kelso's on his way.

Okay, gentlemen. Take your positions.

Okay. I'm here. Where's the dead bird?

Kelso, you're supposed to come in through the side door.

What?

Eric, I need you to take out the...

You guys are so dead.

What the hell is this?

Eric did it because he hates you.

Hyde!

Forman, every man for himself.

No, Dad, this was just a prank that's gone wrong.

Horribly, horribly wrong.

Well, I have a prank, too.

One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass!

Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, horribly wrong!

Oh, Red.

What happened to you?

That oatmeal was for the hoboes.

Well, the idiots used it for a prank.

Eric, how many times have I told you, don't poke the bear.

Don't poke the bear!

Well, technically, we didn't poke the bear.

We poured oatmeal on the bear.

Are you correcting my wife?

Kelso's laughing at you.

Are you laughing?

Oh, come on. You're covered in oatmeal!

It's funny!

That's it!

You know what you should do, Red? Forgive and forget.

Turn the other cheek, like Jesus. Be like Jesus, Red.

I can't even think of a punishment big enough for this!

But trust me, it's going to be awful!

The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war!

Guys, who's Harry Truman?

He invented electricity, dumb ass.

Okay, Donna. It's makeover time. Let's pack those jumbo pores.

You know what? I've thought about it, and I'm glad my mom left.

More food for me.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

I doubt it.

Unless...

You were right, Donna.

Now, not only are we beautifying, but we're groovifying.

Hey, I just made up a word.

Yeah. Whoever said you can't do two great things at once?

I bet it was a one-armed, pessimistic guy.

Yeah, you just gotta stay positive, man.

Like, I don't want to learn French, so everyday I think positive thoughts about not learning French.

And look at me. I don't know a word of French.

Is Dad still gonna kill me?

Eric, I put him in his Corvette, tuned the radio to a hockey game, and handed him a beer.

I've done all I can.

Dad... All right.

Just tell me.

What the hell did you think you were doing?

Look, Kelso invented this stupid Prank Day thing, and he Super-Glued us, so the oatmeal thing was just to, you know, get him back.

And that's when my life as I know it ended.

Are you telling me, I got covered with oatmeal because you were trying to get back at Kelso?

Which you didn't even do?

Well, that's a bit of an oversimplification.

I think if you look at the facts...

You...

The facts are, you were bested by a Kelso.

How could you do this to your family?

I didn't realize the honor of our family was at stake.

It always is.

Hell, we've been talking about this since T-ball, which you quit.

I mean, what was there to be scared of? The ball just sits there.

All right. Here's what I'm gonna do.

Instead of punishing you, I'm gonna show you how to do this prank business right.

Now, get the Three Stooges over to dinner tonight.

You are gonna help me get them good and scared.

Oh, well, no, Dad. I don't wanna get Hyde and Fez.

They're on my team.

Well, your team lost.

So everybody cries.

Well, hope you boys like lasagna.

Oh, boy, lasagna, the Italian burrito.

Thanks for having us over, Mrs. Forman.

Oh, don't thank me. It was Red's idea.

Wait a minute. Red's coming?

Yeah. I can't believe you guys showed up.

Wait. No. The only reason we showed up was 'cause you said Red was working late tonight.

Oh, God, you know what? He's in the kitchen. Should I just get him?

No, you should not get him, you son of a bitch.

I'm going out the window.

Guys, calm down.

Look, what could he possibly do to us at dinner?

Ah, good. All the half-wits are here.

I wanted to let you know... that I'm going to get you, and you won't know where, and you won't know when.

But...

It will hurt.

And you will cry, and I will laugh.

And did I mention it will hurt?

Very good.

Now, enjoy the lasagna.

I added the special seasoning myself.

Special seasoning?

Uh-oh.

All right. Maybe it's because I'm extra clever, but I think that there might be something wrong with the lasagna, and I think maybe Red had something to do with it.

Kelso, I wouldn't do anything to the lasagna, just like I wouldn't do anything to your new sneakers that are sitting by the kitchen door.

My Chucks!

Why isn't anybody eating?

Is there something wrong with my lasagna?

We have reason to believe it's been tampered with.

Is this another prank?

Because I will not have this in my house.

Now, eat that lasagna. It's perfectly fine.

I said eat it!

Dad, what is this special seasoning?

Oh, a little of this, a little of that.

Which reminds me.

Kitty, I cleaned out the dead moths from the porch light.

If I could only remember where I put them.

Bugs? Sick! I'm out of here.

Okay, Leo. Who's your mystery date?

All right. The ski instructor.

He's hunky.

You know, Jackie, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually having a good time.

Wait. Michael, what are you doing here?

Yeah, man. This is girls' night.

Jackie, I just had dinner with Red, and he totally freaked me out.

So, first I need you to stick your hand in my Chucks.

And then I need you to hang out with me, because I'm really afraid to be alone.

No. No, Michael. I am spending time with Donna.

Okay, but I was gonna take you to the mall and tell everyone you were a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

Wait, wait. You never wanna do that. Okay. Let's go.

I guess it's just you and me, Leo.

A whole pan of lasagna wasted, and it's a recession.

Kitty, you don't understand.

I understand that you need to start acting like a parent.

But we have different responsibilities as parents.

Your job is to tell him that he's cute and to clean his ears.

My job is to make him a man, which he's not.

Dad, I'm right here.

Shut up, boy.

You see how he shuts up? That's not right.

I give up.

Wow, she seems mad.

She'll burn it off on her Exercycle.

We really did freak out those guys tonight, huh?

Now, it's time to go after Kelso.

The head dummy.

And we're gonna have the junior dummies help us out.

You know what? We make a good team.

It's like I'm Batman, and you're... No. You're Batman.

Hey, Donna? Wait. Where's Leo?

Oh, he left.

He asked if he could try on my dad's clothes, and I said no, so he left.

What? He left?

That jerk.

What a bad friend.

Jackie, you left, too.

I know, I know. Look, that's why I'm here.

I was at the mall signing autographs for a bunch of sixth graders.

You know, "Go, Cowboys. Love, Jackie."

And then I saw this little girl crying

'cause she couldn't find her mom, and she reminded me of you, so I felt bad.

Jackie, that's so sweet.

So what happened with the little girl? She find her mom?

You know? I don't know.

I left her with the snow cone guy. Yeah. She smelled like poo.

Look, anyways, my point is, you know, since you don't have your mom around anymore, you need a girl in your life to look after you.

And that's gonna be me.

Unless I smell like poo.

Right.

So when Kelso gets here, he'll walk by the driveway, which we've iced down with the hose.

And he'll see a nudie magazine lying there, which is perfect for Kelso, because he can never resist a boob.

Well, who among us can?

Right.

So, he'll sprint towards it, slip on the ice, and slide into a giant pile of mud.

Get ready. I hear footsteps.

What are we looking at?

Kelso?

Wait, wait. If you're here, then who's in the driveway?

Oh, crap!

Well, the driveway was all icy, and I fell.

I think I heard a pop.

Mrs. Forman, we are so sorry.

Mom, are you okay?

Okay. Fez, grab her legs.

Get away from her!

Eric, you're grounded for a week.

But this prank was your idea!

Fine. Two weeks!

And the rest of you, get the hell outta here. Go on, now.

Well, this was another prank?

See what happens when you act like a jackass?

Kitty, I am so sorry.

And I promise, no more pranks, ever.

Okay.

So, we're done here. Wait!

You're not hurt. You were faking it.

Oh, don't sound so surprised. I fake things plenty.

Wait. So you're not hurt at all?

Nope.

Wow. You out-pranked Dad.

No, no, no. It wasn't a prank. It was a lesson.

And yes, I did.

So, you're the best Forman.

You're Batman.

Now you know.