That '70s Show S4E22 Script

Eric's Corvette Caper (2002)

Hey, guess who's dropping Jackie off here after cheerleading practice?

Leslie Cannon.

Leslie Cannon. Nickname, "The Cannon."

Why? Because she always shoots Eric down.

Man, you were so in love with her.

Remember in the seventh grade when she asked you your name, and you got all panicky and said, "Uh-bluh."

Yeah, and then she called you "Uh-bluh" for, like, the next two years.

Yeah, that was awesome.

I still don't see why we have to spend the night.

It only took me 30 minutes to get caught up with everyone at my high school reunion.

Oh, well, standing in the corner muttering "dumb ass" at everyone doesn't count as getting caught up.

I can't wait to see some dear old girlfriends.

Like the Miller twins. God, I hope they're fat.

Oh, crap.

There's no way that all these bags are gonna fit in here.

Oh, jeez, I was really looking forward to taking this baby out on the highway.

Well, we'll just have to take two cars.

No, we'll take the Toyota.

I can bring another dress. Shows a little more leg so Stuart McDaniel can see what he missed out on.

Hey, you guys. Here comes Leslie.

Hey, how's my hair?

It's a little messy.

Hey, it's Uh-bluh!

Yeah, I'm going by Eric now.

She doesn't care what your name is, Eric. She's a cheerleader.

Wow, this car is so hot!

Yeah, that's kind of like what I was thinking.

Really? 'Cause I was thinking she was hot.


Hey, mama.

So, whose car is this?

Oh, it's my dad's...

...tough luck that it's mine.

So, what kind of engine is in this thing?

Oh, it's a multi-piston...


That's twice as powerful as the 100.

You know what? I think you should take me for a drive tonight.

Are you talking to me? Yeah. No.

Sure. Yeah. No. Shut up. Yes, it's my car. Sure.

Pick me up at 7:00.


Oh, my God. What have I done?

Well, you're using your dad's dream car to get with a totally hot chick who would otherwise never date you.

Well, when you put it like that, it just sounds right.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Here's the keys to the Corvette. But...

The only reason I'm giving them to you is so you can move it in case there's a fire.

And because you trust me.


Now, you know that I'll know if the Corvette's been moved.

I've noted its exact position in the garage, the angle of the wheels, and I just might have set a few booby traps.

I am so lucky to have a daddy who cares enough to set booby traps.

Fine. Okay, I get it. The only way I get to drive the Corvette is if there's a fire.

But to the end of the driveway. No further.

A fire is no excuse for a joyride.

Michael, what are you doing in Casey's room?

Spitting in his socks. What are you doing?

We came by to say hi to Casey.

Watching you spit is just a super bonus.

Yeah? Well, your lover's out of town.

And I asked your lover where he was going, and your lover said, "Neptune," and that he'd be back tomorrow.

And then your lover punched me in the head and laughed.

But we'll see who's laughing when he puts on his socks and gets his feet all spitty.


Casey's out of town? He never tells me anything.

It's like the only thing I know about him is that he's Kelso's brother.

Well, you know he subscribes to Van Aficionado.

Stop snooping, Jackie.

But, Donna, you know, say this pile of stuff was to get accidentally knocked over.

Oh, no!

And while picking it up, you just happen to look through it.

Jackie, I'm not gonna snoop.

Oh, look! He took a quiz.

"Your ideal chick, van fan or biker liker?"

But you know what? You wouldn't care what kind of girl he likes.

I mean, you're only dating him.

Oh, no!

Forman, I can't believe you're actually gonna take out Red's Corvette.

Yeah, and I can't believe you're wearing brown shoes with a black belt.

That's just tacky.

Guys, the odometer's busted.

The odometer's busted!

That's a sign from God.

God loves me.

He wants me to steal the car.

Besides, I think I've learned most of Red's tricks now, like this one...

The old strand of hair across the ignition trap.

Yeah, you're a regular Green Beret, Forman.

Oh, please. With that outfit, a green beret is the last thing he needs.

Well, here we are...

In my Corvette...

Enjoying the open road...

And the delightful, pine-fresh scent of your hair.

That's your cheapo air freshener. Yuck.

No, no, no, no, no.


Can I drive?

I don't know.


Okay, now, if the Miller twins are fat, be nice.

But if they're still thin, I don't want to hear any "hubba-hubbas" or remarks about doubling your pleasure.

Remember, it's my reunion. I am the prettiest one here.

Well, you are the prettiest one here.

I don't understand. The invitation says the 29th.

Kitty, that says the 23rd.

I have been telling you for months that you need glasses.

You know, one of these days, you're gonna wander off and fall into a hole.

What hole? Where are these holes?

They're everywhere.

You just can't see them 'cause you need glasses.

Well, we spent three hours in Casey's room, and all we found out is that he collects mud flaps.

Yeah, but all that snooping gave me such a rush.

Hey, let's go to the mall and shoplift some lip gloss.

No thanks, little felon.

I feel guilty enough.

Besides, I have to finish my chemistry homework.

Oh, no!

I left my chemistry book on Casey's desk, and he comes back tomorrow!

So we'll just go back and get it.

Jackie, I already went over there all, "Where's Casey?"

Now if I go back all, "Where's my book?"

But you are all, "Where's my book?"

But Kelso won't believe that, and then he'll think I'm a goob, and then he'll tell Casey that I'm a goob!


Okay, look. We'll wait till later tonight, then sneak back in and get it.

Besides, Casey's got this really great clock radio I really want.

Kitty, don't tell Eric that we're coming home.

If he's doing something wrong, and we both know he is, it's important that I catch him.


Because it gives me pleasure.

There's the three.

Shut it!

I'm Red, dumb ass.

Where are my muffins, dumb ass?

Forman residence. Dr. Hook speaking.

Who is it, dumb ass?

Steven, honey, it's Mrs. Forman.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Forman.

Mrs. Forman?

There's been some sort of little mistake.

I finished my homework. Now let's move on to Bible study!

It seems like my reunion was last week.

Oh, that's too bad. You were really looking forward to seeing them fat twins, right?

So, we're coming home tonight.

Tell Eric, okay?

It's important.

Yeah, of course.

Okay. Bye, sweetie.

They're coming home early. You know what this means?

Yeah, we have to hurry up and find Eric.

No. We have to hurry up and finish the rest of Red's beer.

Hopefully, Forman will get blamed for that, too.

Boy, this is fun, but I think race time is over now!

Good, we're slowing down.

That's good.

A little motion sickness going on.

But the car's all in one piece, so...

I'm on top of the world.


What was that?

That was me...

Falling off the top of the world.

Well, the good news is, I found the hubcap in a huge field of mud.

And the other good news is, in about a hundred years, some archeologist is gonna be thrilled to find my shoes.


Yeah, well, you know...

Look, there aren't any scratches or dents.

So, just dirt. I think I'm in the clear.

Eric, I'm starting to think I might like you.


I'm not sure though.

I think I have to drive the car some more.

Well, I'm starting to think I might let you drive the car.


I'm not sure though.

I think we might have to make out some more.

Okay, I got it. Okay, let's go.



Am I dreaming?


Yes, you are.

Are we gonna do it?

Yes. Yes, Michael, we are.


Donna first.

So you smooched The Cannon.

How was her tongue?

Was it nimble?

Like a belly dancer.

And at one point, I was touching a spot not four inches from boob.

Not bad, Forman.

Not only did you get within shouting distance of second base, you successfully snaked Red's Corvette.

Yeah, well, I gotta wash it, wax it and put on a hubcap, but that should only take about an hour.

I'm gonna do it in the morning.

Perfect. Sleep tight.

All right.

Oh, by the way, your parents called a couple hours ago, they'll be home in 40 minutes.

What? Relax, man. We're just messing with you.

They'll be home in 20 minutes.

Okay, tire location, check.

Seat placement, check.

Picture of Fez's butt, check.

That one's going on my desk.

Okay, you guys, there's just one more thing, the strand of hair over the ignition.

Well, you're gonna get away with it. What a bunch of crap.

Okay, you guys, they're here.

Damn it! The air freshener.

Damn it, you remembered.

Well, there's the Corvette, safe and sound.

I'm just saying that for your benefit, in case you can't see it.

Well, I am so glad you raced all the way home without stopping for this.

Cripes, I gotta pee like a banshee.

Well, I'm off to the candy shop.

My everlasting gobstopper just crapped out on me.

Fez, I'm sleeping in Casey's room, and I think somehow I had one of his dreams, 'cause I did it with...

Hey, guys.

No, no, Michael. Finish your sentence.

You did it with...

A hat on?

And you.

You, me and a hat.

It was hot.

Of course it was. Everything's better with a hat.

Come on, fellows. Put a hat on. The lady deserves it.

What were you doing in Casey's bed anyway?

Oh, when he's out of town, I like to skank it up by skipping a couple showers and sleeping in it naked.

Michael, tell me more about this dream.

Was anyone else there?

Jackie, why would I have a sexy dream with anyone besides you?

Hey, Donna.

Hey, your old man wants to talk to you outside.

Why? Am I busted?

Don't worry, man. It's not about the car.

Oh, Forman, I almost forgot. It's about the car.

You gotta stop doing that, man!

You wanted to see me?

Did you take my car out last night?


I know you didn't. Guess how I know!

I stuck a hair across the ignition.

A hair...

You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.

Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.

I finally get to drive it?



Where does the key go?

Start her up. Okay.

And I'm grounded.

For a month!

Why did you do it?

To impress this cheerleader.

No kidding?

Well, then make it two weeks.

So, you gonna see her again?

Well, can I have the car again?

Oh, she's that girl.

I know that girl.

Stay away from that girl.

Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you.

She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.

You know what?

Let's just call it a month.



Am I dreaming?

Yes, you are.

Are we gonna do it?

Yes, we are.

Oh, cool.

Where's Donna?