That '70s Show S4E23 Script

Hyde's Birthday (2002)

Any good mail?

Well, we got the new Yarn Barn catalog, and the model is showing cleavage?

You know, if I want that in my house, I will watch McMillan and Wife.

Oh, Steven got a letter from Department of Motor Vehicles.

What? Another damn ticket?

Hey, screw head, why is the DMV sending you letters?

"Screw head." Hey, screw head.

No, no, no. You're screw head. I'm just called "boy."

I got a letter from the DMV?

Oh, my God. It's about the cow.

Did I say "cow"?

Because what I meant was countdown.

Countdown to better driving.

I think what Eric's trying to say is, he hit a cow.

Well, I had the right of way.

Go ahead.

Open it, hot rod.

You know, you are the most irresponsible, careless, no-account...

Oh, it's a license renewal for my 18th birthday.


Happy birthday.

Guess who gets 18 hugs the day before his 18th birthday?

One, two, everyone.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight... Okay, okay.

All right, all right. Thanks, Mrs. Forman, but you can drop it.

I'm not really into birthdays, especially this one.

Oh, no, you don't. Nine, ten...

Get off me, spaz!

Oh, Steven likes birthdays. He just doesn't know it.

Which is why we're throwing him a surprise party.

Now, I need two helpers with keen feminine sensibilities to help decorate.

Jackie and Fez.


What the hell! I'm feminine.

I should kick her ass for that.

Hey, Jackie, while you're up there, try not to kiss any more guys.

Man, are you guys still fighting about that?

You got to come down hard on stuff like this.

If she'd have come down harder on me when I was cheating, I would've...

Well, I would've been way sneakier about it.

You know what, you guys, 18 is a big deal.

We ought to get Hyde, like, the perfect Hyde gift.

So, you know what, let's try to put ourselves in a total Hyde state of mind.


Okay, now, what would Hyde want?

Something stolen.

Stolen's good, but you know what's better?

Stolen and dirty.

So what's a good gift for Hyde that's stolen and dirty?

Someone else's pig.

No, no, wait. I got it, I got it. A street sign.

We'll steal it, so it'll be stolen, and it's dirty, so it'll be dirty.

Oh, my God! Kelso just solved his first word problem.

Yeah, I learned those in Miss Carter's class, 'cause I knew if I got one right that she'd give me a hug.

No bra and they were always pointy.

Now, that's good teaching.

No problem. You can have Hyde's party here.

There's only one thing I ask. Can I come?

The party's at your house, Bob. Of course you're invited.

Oh, boy, I'm in.

I'll get my Anne Murray albums.

Okay, now, you two, I want this party to look nice.

So, balloons, streamers, whatever makes Steven forget he has no parents.

So, Fez, you know, how do you want to decorate this place?

Well, what I'm thinking...

No, no, no, I want Arabian Nights.

Veils, Persian rugs.

One question, Jackie.

Is this a party for Hyde or a bunch of whores in a whorehouse?

Check it out. "High Street." Oh, man, Hyde's gonna love this.

Here, Donna, I'll give you a boost. Okay.

Okay, one, two, three.

Oh, yeah! Fingers!

Okay, come on, Eric, I'll give you a boost.

No way.

Why not?

Because you'll throw me.

What? No, I won't. Yeah, I will.

Look, how about we stand on top of the van and reach it?

I think not. We'll dent the roof.

I don't want nothing to happen to the "love bus."

Okay, I got it. I got a better idea.

Okay, just make sure it's tight.


Okay, you're good to go.

Well, at least the roof's okay.


I thought you were at work.

Not till later.

Why are you baking so many cupcakes?

I had four dozen eggs. They were gonna go bad.

Mrs. Forman, I don't want a party.

And I'm not saying that because I'm fishing for a party.

I mean, I don't want a party.


Because, I know how this family works.

You guys say you don't want stuff that you actually want.

Like on Mother's Day.

You said you didn't want a fuss but you did want a fuss.

So we made a fuss and you were happy.

That can drive a guy nuts.

It really can.

So now, I don't know what to do or say or not say, because I really don't want a party.

Well, I don't want to do anything you don't want.

See, I don't know what that means.

Well, it means there is no party.

Oh, please. Would I lie to you about making you a party?

I am hurt.

Fine. Okay.

I'm sorry.

You lied. No, no.

I said, "Would I lie?"

It was very tricky. I was like Houdini, but with words.

The base of the sign is all cracked.

So, all we have to do is shove this firecracker in there and blammo! The sign comes down.

Wow, it could actually work, if the base were made of pudding!

If the base were made of pudding, Eric, we could just pull the sign right out.

Okay, get ready to run.

Must be a dud. Go find out.

Why me?

'Cause you're super skinny.

If it blows up, you got the best chance of having stuff not hit you.

True, but on the other hand, no one would be surprised if you blew yourself up.

That's a good point.

Oh, just move.

Here, you big babies.

Okay, what you just did, just there, that was so hot.

I'd follow your fine behind into combat any day.

All right, look, if we got Red's tools, I bet I could cut down that pole.

Casey showed me how to saw through rebar. Our second date.

Wow, I love those stories.

Hey, I'll just sneak into your garage, grab the tools. Red will never know.

Okay, but you gotta be really quiet.

Come on, it's me we're talking about. I'm like a cat.

Red! Hey.

You're wondering why I'm going through your stuff?

Okay. That's... See, I needed to borrow your saw, because I need to chop down a tree.

Because there's something stuck in it.

An animal, a rabbit.

There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay its eggs.

Kelso, rabbits don't...

How the hell did a rabbit get up a tree?


Eric threw it up there.

Eric threw a rabbit up a tree?

Yeah. Hey, he's a sadistic bastard.

You know he hit a cow?

You know, you've been in a bad mood all night, man.

I'm gonna cheer you up.



You don't know what's funny.

Oh, hey, I can work tomorrow night if you want me to.

You're not working tomorrow, man. It's your birthday.

Yeah, man, my 18th birthday.

Otherwise known as the beginning of the end.

The black hole, man. It's the death march.

Look, if there's a war, I could get drafted.

If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada.

That's not the point, Leo. I mean, there's other stuff, too, you know.

Hey, don't get snippy with me, man.

Hyde, we need you to settle an argument.

I'm sure you know by now that we're throwing you a party.

What party?

Okay, I'm sure you know by now that we're throwing you a party.

So, what kind of theme would you like?

Throw whatever party you want, man. I'm not gonna be there.

Well, if that's his attitude, I don't wanna do anything. I quit.

You can't quit on me. I quit on you, you bossy little midget.

Don't even.

What the hell?

No! No!

Excuse me, little boy with glasses, that's our sign.

Excuse me, big dork with Farrah hair, no, it isn't.

"Farrah hair"?

If I look like any of the Charlie's Angels, it's Jaclyn Smith.

Wow, that's true.

Hey there, little fella, what if I told you that I had $20 for a special someone if they gave us the sign? Nope.

A month's supply of candy? Nope.

What if I show you my bra strap?


Okay. Okay.


I bet if I showed him my whole bra, he would have given me his bike.

These things are awesome.

That was hot.

Man, why is she so hot today?

'Cause you can't have her, 'cause you lost her, 'cause you're stupid.

Wait, Jackie cheated on you, right, with a little, tiny cheese guy?

Hey! Truce, okay?

Yeah, I think that's best. Yeah.

Hey, if you hadn't blown it with Donna, you'd probably be doing it with her right now.

Yeah. You know who's probably doing it? Jackie with the cheese guy.

We had a truce!


Yeah, this place looks great.

Fez, Jackie, the decorations are beautiful.

No, no, no, no. They haven't been here all day.

I did this because I'm feminine, too.

I'm a lady. Why can't anyone freaking see that?

Oh, honey, no, it's perfect.

Okay, the next time I need a feminine touch, I'm using you and Fez.

What happened to those cupcakes?

Bob, there were a dozen cupcakes there.

I'm sorry, Red, they're like vitamins to me.

Hey, you guys, bad news. Hyde said he's not coming.

He's just sitting in the basement.

Oh, but it's his birthday. He can't be alone on his birthday.


I agree.

Eric, you go home and sit with Steven.

Okay, fine, I'll go get him.


We got him, dudes.

All right, get your butt up those stairs and over to your party.

I'm not going.

Steven, you're 18 now. It's time to start being a man.

And the first rule to being a man is you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do.

Like right now, I don't wanna be here talking to you, but I am.

You don't wanna go to a party, but you will.

Actually, I won't.

What's the matter?

You don't like parties?

Me neither, but as long as you're living under my roof, you'll do what I tell you to do.

Well, lucky for me, I won't be under your roof much longer anyway.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, I'm 18. I should be getting out of here, right?

I mean, you know, that's what my dad did and my uncle did and my cousins did.

They were all on their own when they were my age.

What are they doing now?

Pumping gas, prison, prison, dead, prison.

And the reason you're living here is so you don't end up like them.

But if you want to leave, I can't stop you.

So, what's it gonna be, Steven?

Prison, death or a birthday party?

I guess I'll go to the party.

Thanks, Red.

You're welcome.

And don't tell Eric that we had this little conversation.

'Cause when he's 18, he's out.

So, punch.


Oh, fine.

Okay, everybody, they're here. They're...


Wow, you got me, dudes.

Wow, thanks.

Oh, happy birthday.

Damn, Jackie, stop kissing other guys!

Wow, this is great. Did you get this at the flea market?

The flea market?

Yeah, they sell them there for two bucks.

No, we stole it. It took forever.

I had to show my bra.

You owe me a bumper.

Now, I made this for you. See?

It says "Steven" on the front because I heard that having your name on your clothes is cool.

Plus, if anybody finds it, they can return it to you.

So, I won't be able to lose it. Great!

Put it on.

Do I have to?

You bet your ass.

Welcome to manhood.

Mrs. Forman, I'm not really a pinata kind of guy.

Oh, come on, Steven. Everyone plays pinata.

Yeah, Steven, hit the jackass.

Hey! Just listen...