That '70s Show S4E25 Script

Eric's False Alarm (2002)

Okay, boys, I brought cheese samples from work.

What's wrong with them?

Nothing. Well, they were in the trash.

Bring it over. Cool.


You know how my brother locks me in a closet with a pillowcase full of dead fish until the stink makes me cry?

Well, while I was in there, I heard him make a phone call.

And it seems that's he got a little surprise for Donna tonight.

The honeymoon suite at that French motel in Kenosha.

The Le Motel?

Oh, no, it sounds like Donna and Casey are going to le do it.

Yeah. Eric's gonna freak out when we tell him.

And why would we tell him? To watch him freak out.

Kelso, he's gonna take it really hard, man.

So we just need to keep our mouths shut.

Wow. It's very considerate of Eric's feelings.

What the hell, man!

I just think that we all need to zip it. Especially you.

Hey, I can keep a secret.

I didn't tell Kelso you took five bucks from his wallet.


None of you guys can keep a secret.

Well, you sure can, especially when it's about you kissing other guys.

Michael, it was one guy from work.

And I told you I'm sorry.

God, how long are you gonna keep throwing that in my face?

Well, how long are you gonna keep throwing your face in other guys' faces?

Wow, that was clever.

I think I won that. Yeah!

Oh, Eric.

Let me just say I'm sorry.

For what? I can't tell you.

Hey, but if you were to guess that Casey is taking Donna to a honeymoon suite, I'd say good guess.


Casey and Donna got a motel room?

Yeah, but, hey , look at the bright side.

Donna and Casey may be doing it, but at least they're doing it in a vibrating, heart-shaped bed.

If you see what I mean.

Well, I do now, thanks to your spot-on detailed description.

And there will probably be a mirror, too.

Okay, thanks, Fez.

You know, so they can watch it... Yeah, I know.

I'd like to propose a toast.

My divorce papers finally came through.

To divorce. Oh, no, no. No, no.

If you're gonna drink to divorce, drink alone in the dark like regular sad people.

I'm not sad, I'm happy.

'Cause now I can do all kinds of things I couldn't do before.

Like, Joanne , we could get married.

Is something funny?

Bob, we've never mentioned marriage before.

You spring it on me now in front of strangers?

Excuse me, my mistake, I guess.

I guess I hurt someone's feelings.

Well, you certainly did. We are not strangers.

So what are you and Casey doing tonight?

He won't tell me. It's a surprise.

Honey, it's blush not spray paint.

A surprise, huh?

What if the surprise is something big? Are you ready for it?

I mean, how do you really feel about Casey?

I don't know.

Well, how do you feel about his hair?

Love it, lots of body.

And his body? Love it, lots of hair.

How about his car?

I love it. Trans Ams kick ass.

So hair, body and car. The big three. The holy trinity of love.

Okay, I think you're ready for your big surprise.

Jackie, what is this big surprise?

All I can tell you is definitely, definitely shave those legs.

Well, I called the Le Motel.

Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.

And, Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.

Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie's cheese.

Some guy Phil's phone number.

I can't take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde.

She's cheating on me again.

Kelso, don't jump to conclusions.

Maybe I don't care.

Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she's gonna know you're jealous.

You can't be all Simon and Garfunkel.

You gotta get Bruce Springsteeny.

Springsteeniant. Springsteenicious.

Wait, what are we talking about?

Whoa. Hey, you guys, I'm not jealous.

I'm just looking out for her.

I mean, Donna's practically a sister to me.

A tall, shapely sister.

Who I've done it with.

About a million times.

Look, maybe Donna and Casey won't even do it tonight.

I'd call it 50-50.

You would?

Oh, I'd be wrong.

But I'd call it that to keep you from doing something stupid.

Forman, you gotta do something stupid.

Sitting around feeling helpless all day.

That isn't healthy. That's why I'm gonna stalk Jackie.

You know, I really love things with holes.

Swiss cheese, donuts, inner tubes.

I don't know what it is about a hole, it just feels good.


Is Phil there?


Phil. Some guy you kissed!

I found his number in your cheese.

Michael, Phil is the guy who delivers the sausage.

You tramp!

No, idiot, he brings food to our store.

He's our sausage guy.


Who's that singing? Who's singing love songs to you?

Peter Frampton!

Are you kissing him?


Are you sure?


Hello, this is Norman. Shall we kiss?

Okay, Red. What Bob needs right now is a good friend.

And since I don't know where we're gonna find one, you need to talk to him.

Kitty! Or you can talk to Joanne.

I'll take Bob.

I'll take Joanne.

Donna, I have to talk to you.

Leo, what... Have you got Donna in there?

You know, I didn't think to ask.

Look, I have to find Donna.

Casey's gonna surprise her with the honeymoon suite.

And I know Donna. She's not gonna like that kind of surprise.

So she'll probably be looking for an out, so...

I'm here to rescue her.

Kind of like Luke did with Leia in Star Wars.

You know, "I'm here to rescue you!"

The other honeymoon suite's across the hall, man.

Now if you excuse me, I got a game of Twister I gotta stretch for.

Casey, check it out. They have tiny soaps.

What am I doing?

I couldn't do it, Leo.

Donna's having a good time. She doesn't wanna be rescued.

But you know what? The thing is, I still wanna go in there and stop everything, you know?

I didn't come here for her, I came here for me.

That's a huge dilemma, man.

But you know what you really gotta ask yourself?

Is there anybody who's not in a motel room with three women that you could tell this to?

Okay, here's the thing.

Bob really likes you.


Who knows?

That's America.

Any kook can have any damn fool idea he wants.

Look, I haven't had good luck with marriage.

When my first husband and I were dating, he was great.

But as soon as I married him, he turned into, well, something like you.

Well, I don't know what kind of crap your ex-husband used to pull.

But whatever it was, Bob doesn't have it in him.

He's just a nice, loyal guy with a big heart.

He's perfect for a pushy gal like you.

Well, he does have a big heart.

And we do go well together.

You know, Red, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a good guy.

Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd think I cared.

The red cheese is chewy.

The red cheese is wax.


Hey, guess what, fellas?

Turns out I still have feelings for Donna. Yeah.

Deep feelings.

Warm feelings.

Tingly-in-the-pants feelings.

And I can't do anything about it because she has those feelings for someone else.

I think that admitting that you still love Donna is an important step.

Because it reopens the door for this. j& Eric loves Donna! Eric loves Donna! j&

Look, you guys. I don't love her.

I just think that if she's not with me, the fairest thing for everyone is if she's alone and unhappy.

Dude, that is a bad plan, man.

'Cause if you leave a chick alone, the next thing you know, she's licking the roof of another guy's mouth.

Like the cheese guy.

I hate that guy.

But you love his cheese.

See, this is just like a Southern tragedy.

Tennessee Williams, but with cheese.

I'm taking Advanced English.

Oh, man, I got to go to the mall. I'm late to stalk Jackie.

I just...

I can't believe Donna's in a motel room with him right now.

Man, I don't like it either.

But there is one thing you can do.

I believe you have a stack of Playboys underneath your bed?

Go use them.

Okay, Bob, I think the problem is that Joanne thinks you're moving just a little too fast.

It's just who I am. I do everything fast.

I run fast,

drive fast, I eat fast.

Okay, what happens when you eat fast?

I get gassy.


Okay, well, a relationship works the same way.

When it grows too fast, it gets gassy, too.

And... And... And then the bad thing happens and people leave the room.


A lot of people have told me to slow down, but nobody ever said it in a way that spoke to me.

Hi, Bob. Hey, Joanne.

Oh, okay, well, we'll just... We'll leave you two alone.

Okay, well, there will be no more marriage talk from Bob.


There had better be. She's expecting it.

Oh, crap!

Lock the doors. I'm on it.


What are you doing?

What? Are you spying on me now?


Okay, fine, yeah, I'm spying on you.

'Cause you're around strange guys all day and apparently, every once in a while, you up and French one of them.

Michael, go home.

This is a place of business, and if you don't have any business, you're not welcome at the mall.


Stay away from my girlfriend!

Michael, what are you doing?

Well, I can be at the mall now, 'cause I got business, train business.

You have lost your mind!

Yep, and I don't miss it!

Michael, look at you, riding around on a kiddie train so you can spy on me.

I mean, do you not see how crazy this is?


But I don't know what to do.

I mean, I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't eat.

Well, I can eat. Only when I eat, I get kind of sleepy.

But I am really upset.

Look, if we're ever gonna get past this, you have to forget about that stupid little kiss and just try, try to remember that we love each other.

I know. So can we please, please just finally move on?

I wanna say yes, but it's like we're on this track, and we keep going around in circles, like some kind of,

some kind of...

I don't know, I lost my train of thought.

Okay, Forman.

What were you doing at the Le Motel last night?

And don't say you weren't there because Leo saw you.

Wait, wait, Leo thinks he saw me at the Le Motel?

Cut the crap, Eric.

You know Casey and I had a room last night, so you went there, and you pulled the fire alarm all night until we left.

Fire alarm? I didn't... I didn't pull...

Wait, you guys left?

So you guys didn't... No!

We spent all night in the parking lot with Leo and his hootie mamas.

Eric, what were you even doing at the motel?

I don't know, I just...

I was fine, right?

I mean, we were friends and that was cool.

And now, Donna, all of a sudden, it's like the day after we broke up all over again and...

Look, I'm sorry.

But when I knew you were gonna be with Casey, I just...

I felt...


No, I get it.

Remember when you wanted to date other people and I was so cool about it?

Well, I wasn't.

It, like, broke my heart.

So what did you do?

Well, I didn't know what to do, so I just...

You know?




Hey, look, from now on, I'm gonna stay out of your business.

I promise.

Thank you.

But before that promise goes into effect, I would like it duly noted for the record that I think Casey's all wrong for you.

And I think you guys are moving way too fast.

Duly noted.

And I'll stay out of your business, too.

Okay, good.

So I better drum me up some business, huh?

Still sleeping, huh?

Gosh, pulling fire alarms all night must really wear you out.

That's right. I'm onto you, buddy.

You did a nice thing and I'm telling everybody.

Come on, man, I didn't do it to be nice.

I did it 'cause I always wanted to commit a felony.

Misdemeanors just ain't the rush they used to be.

Well, all I hear is, "I love you, I love you, I love you."