That '70s Show S4E26 Script

Everybody Loves Casey (2002)

Oh, Hyde, get this.

Casey just came by to pick up Donna, and he was out in the street just revving his Trans Am real loud, and then he peels out in the street, and he started doing donuts.

And then, out comes Donna, all smiling and, like, looking at him.

What a slut!

Look. If she wants to date him, that's fine.

But he doesn't have to be all loud and jerky about it.

Jerky, loud, donut jerk.

Oh, guess what, boys.

I entered the big wiener contest at the Piggly Wiggly, and I won a year's supply of all-beef hot dogs.

I'm a wiener winner.

Well, anyway, we're having a barbecue.

No, Kitty! I thought we were going to talk about that.

Oh, and I saw Donna at the grocery store, and she said she's bringing her friend Casey.

What? No. I hate Casey.

He's Donna's new boyfriend. You have to uninvite him. Dad, tell her.

Kitty, you've done a horrible thing.

It could scar the boy for life.

Now, let's do the right thing and cancel that barbecue.

No. We're having it, and it'll be fun.

And we just... We won't give Casey any relish.

All right.

Once Casey finds out he's not getting any relish, he'll dump Donna for sure.

You are so screwed.

So your mom invited Casey over for hot dogs?

Well, that's a plump, juicy all-beef burn.

It's just typical women stuff.

Like Jackie kissing that... Aah!

Hyde! Yeah. Okay?

I've decided if anyone brings up any more of their stupid girl stuff, I'm gonna throw something at them.

This time, I threw a fist.

I'm sorry. It's just everything reminds me.

Like, last night Rocky was on, and I was thinking I'm like Rocky and Jackie is Apollo Creed.

And she bashed in my face by kissing that guy.

At least Rocky wins in the end.

Kelso, Rocky loses.

Oh, yeah? Well, why is he jumping around all happy?

Because he goes the distance, fool.

He loses the fight, but he wins in life.

Who wants to watch a movie with a message like that?

Ice-cream man!

You guys, I've been thinking about Donna. And I...

This time I threw a magazine.

No, guys, seriously. This barbecue might work out in my favor.

You see, Donna's only seen Casey around his smelly, tattooed, Molly Hatchet-loving friends.

But when he comes to the barbecue, he'll be around us.

Good, clean, Lynyrd Skynyrd-loving Americans.

And the comparison will not be kind to him.

And then Donna will come running home to you.

No.

Well, maybe. You think?

So, instead of pounding Casey like you should, you came up with this zany scheme.

Forman, you've officially turned into Daffy Duck.

You're "dethpicable!"

You know, I have lady problems, too.

Rhonda won't let me get past second base.

I even said please.

Magic word, my ass!

You know what? Jack, I can't do this.

Why should I paint these round, berry toes if some other guy is gonna end up licking them?

Michael, what are you talking about?

I still can't get over you cheating on me.

And I need to hear you apologize again.

And this time, maybe you should cry or give me money.

No, Michael. I am not gonna beg for forgiveness.

I didn't make you do that when you cheated.

Well, that is totally different.

When guys cheat, it's because they need some hot action.

But when girls cheat, it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.

We do, too.

Well, why aren't we doing it now?

Because I don't want to do it right now.

I do. Point made. Thank you!

No. You know what? We need help.

We should consult the world's highest authority on relationships.

Cosmo!

"Why you should touch your breasts every day."

Wow, this could help. They seem smart.

Okay, Fez, when Casey gets here, ask him for advice about your second-base problem.

My advice is gonna be way better than his, and Donna will see that he's a greasy dolt.

Hey, Forman, I have an idea.

Set up a wacky system of ropes and pulleys and when Casey gets here, drop an anvil on his head.

Because that's what Daffy does. Yeah, I got that.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey, Foreplay. Getting a little shaggy up there, buddy.

Okay. Well, that's enough of that! Okay. So...

Hey, you guys are just in time.

Fez was telling me about some kind of problem you're having with Rhonda.

Yeah. Rhonda won't let me get past second base, and I really want to explore further.

Gosh. Well, I don't know, I think if you're patient and you're respectful, when Rhonda's ready, she'll...

She'll wave you over.

Well, thank you, Eric. That is very gentlemanly advice.

Gentlemanly? Well, guilty as charged, I guess.

Hey, Casey, what do you think?

Well, sometimes a seasoned lady like Rhonda, she's gotten used to the usual order of things.

So, I think the next time you're fooling around, just skip second and go right to third.

What? It's genius.

No wonder you never get any.

Yeah, with Rhonda, you know, that just might work.

Wait, you like that?

Well, the words are wrong, but they sound so good coming out of his mouth.

I got a way about me.

That worked out "thuper."

Okay, Michael. I found something out about our situation.

This article says that cheating is a symptom of a deeper problem.

Deeper problem?

No! I don't want a deeper problem! I want a quick fix!

Well, too bad.

Because I realize that I'm still hurt and angry from all the times you cheated on me.

Okay? And that is why I kissed that guy.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying, I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry!

Come on!

Look, now I know why I cheated.

You need to read this Cosmo and find out why you did.

And I ripped out the boob pictures, so don't bother looking.

Hey, Donna, would you like a hot dog?

Maybe half.

Whoa, man, you carry a knife?

Yeah. You never know when a lady's gonna need a half a hot dog.

It's funny, man.

You're the boy scout, but I'm the one who's prepared.

He's like a gladiator.

Okay, that's it. I'm bringing out the big guns. Oh, yeah.

I'm introducing him to my folks.

Oh, hey, Mom, meet Casey. This is Donna's new boyfriend.

Well, you're certainly not a girl.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Forman.

You know, you couldn't have picked a prettier day to win a year's supply of hot dogs.

Yeah, sure is a hot dog.

Mom?

Sorry, honey, it's just, he's just...

I am sure you are much smarter.

Kitty, the idiot neighbors drank all my beer.

Uh-oh. You're in a bad mood. Hey, meet Casey.

Pleasure, sir. Hey, maybe I can help.

I always keep a spare case of beer in the Trans Am.

Little tip I picked up in the Army.

I don't know. Seems like a pretty good kid.

Uh-huh.

So, you and Casey, huh?

Look, Hyde, whatever you heard about Casey, he's changed now.

He's... He's mature.

Oh, yeah. He's real mature.

Well, I like him!

We're together, and if you can't deal with that, then you can just go to hell!

Hey, that's not barbecue language, young lady!

Here's that beer, sir. I got a soda for the minor.

Now, you make sure to drink that real slow, 'cause I don't want you to get a tummy ache, little guy.

Well, that's thoughtful.

Yeah, he cramps up easy.

Casey and Donna, man.

Hey, remember when we were 12? We didn't even like girls yet.

I liked girls when I was 12.

Yeah, I was happy just staying home Friday night in my underwear, just tossing a football to myself.

Yeah, never did that either.

Well, at least I gave it my best shot, right?

If Donna loves Casey and not me, then, I mean, I guess it's over.

Forman, you can't give up.

Okay, look. Who knows what's gonna happen with me and Jackie.

But what you and Donna had, that was, like, real.

And I'm telling you, as his brother...

Look, Casey is bad news.

He's either gonna get bored and split, or something worse is gonna happen.

So, you gotta do something.

Hey, since when did you get all serious?

Been reading Cosmo.

It was very educational.

Yeah. I never realized how much plumbing girls had down there.

Like, there's this diagram, and it's like a map of Six Flags.

Okay, everyone.

Here's lunch.

Hot dog soup!

No more hot dogs.

I'll just eat the grilled cheese.

You mean, grilled cheese with hot dogs!

Kitty, for God sakes, I ate 14 hot dogs yesterday!

Well, what do you want me to do, Red? They're everywhere.

They're a curse on this house.

Oh, fine. Let's make some calls.

Maybe we can unload the damn things on a nursery school.

You guys, I've let this thing with Casey go way too far.

Yeah, no kidding. Donna's pretty far gone.

She's starting to lash out at people at barbecues.

You gotta kick his ass, man.

Hyde, Eric cannot beat Casey with his fists.

He's a special boy who must beat him with his special strengths.

Now, let's think. What is Eric's special strengths?

Welcome back to TV's favorite game show...

Now let's meet our returning champion, Eric Forman!

Thanks. Good to be back, Fez.

Let's meet our challenger, Casey Kelso!

Casey Kelso, it's time to...

Get into that box!

How does he do it?

He's so tiny.

I would watch that show.

Okay. That was great.

Guys, I'm going over to Casey's.

And I don't know what I'm gonna do. But if things get physical, I'm just gonna have to drop the hammer.

And if all else fails, kick him in the stones and run like hell.

Yeah, that's what I meant by "drop the hammer."

Rhonda, your lively tongue has made me thirsty.

Would you like to wet your whistle?

Wow. Thirsty lady.

Well, we're off to a nice start.

Shall we move on to second base?

No.

Guess what. I read your little "Everything's my fault" article, and I realize why I cheated.

Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macey?

Behind the gym? And in the gym, and in her car.

But, anyway...

Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you Tater Tots.

And you said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough.

And you're always putting me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself.

And that is why I cheated.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Just like that.

And then I thought about it, and I realize that I'm not sorry either.

Michael, what are you saying?

I'm saying that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad!

And...

And...

I don't think I can be with you anymore.

I want to break up.

Wait, break up?

No, no. Michael, I was wrong. Please, let's talk about this.

No. Wait, but Michael!

Casey, we need to talk.

Well, I'm a little swamped right now, Foreplay.

I think Donna thinks you love her,

and if you don't, you shouldn't act like you do.

What are you? The love police?

Hands up. Love police is here.

Hey, all I'm saying is that if you don't love her, just don't be with her, okay? Because she's a really special person, and someone out there could really love her.

Someone out there or someone right here?

Oh. Hey, Eric. What are you doing here? He was just leaving.

Well, I gotta go, too.

Hey, Pinciotti.

Love ya.

Oh, well, I...

Thank you.

Okay, well, I'll... I'll see you later.

You see, Forman, it's just words.

You don't have to mean it.

If you make her cry, I'm coming right back here to kick your ass.

Well, me and Jackie are officially over.

We're as done as this hot dog.

This hot dog isn't done.

Well, if kicking Casey's butt is the same as babbling at him from a safe distance, then, boy, did I do it!

But seriously, you guys, the days of Daffy are over.

It's time for action.

I'm going Road Runner on his ass.

Good.

Because thanks to his stupid advice, Rhonda dumped me.

I tried to steal third, but she blocked me and choked me.

Now there's no more baseball for Fez.

It's back to handball.

Girls, man. They'll make you miserable.

Well, I got a date.

"Tho long, thuckerth!"

It's like Playboy, but girls look at it.

I know. How hot is that?

Oh, look. Six Flags!

Well, that better not be a dirty magazine.

Oh, Cosmo. Good for you.

Cosmo?

You boys are spending too much time together.