That '70s Show S4E3 Script

Pinciotti vs. Forman (2001)

Wow! Donna, you look great. What could it be?

Oh, I know! You lost 80 pounds of ugly fat.

Burn, Eric, burn!

Okay, first of all, I weigh 130, 140, 149...

Pounds.

Yeah. You look good too, Eric.

You lost your one true love, so...

Looking good.

Eric, I found these records of yours, and I thought you might want them back.

Ah, the unpleasant exchange of possessions after the horrific break up.

Awkward for them, entertaining for us.

Whoa. Shut up. Don Kirshner's starting.

Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight.

Okay, so...

Okay, we're all here now.

So, um...

So, Donna, you're staying? Okay.

What I meant to say was...

Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.

So, what, you're like, kicking me out?

Wow.

Okay, then. Bye.

Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.

No, Jackie, no.

Oh, wait. I mean, bye!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Well, it's just not fair.

He doesn't, like, get my friends

'cause he has some stupid, crappy basement.

Right!

You helped make that basement what it is today.

Right.

No one would even go over there before me.

It smelled like feet.

Donna, you have to fight back.

Okay, when a couple splits up, the woman deserves her fair share of the life she helped build.

How much is that? All of it.

Donna, it's the law.

You know, normally, that statement would really offend me.

But now that I'm single and pissed, you're making a lot of sense.

And then she just comes down to the basement like it's no big deal.

And after what happened?

And she's just gonna act like everything's cool and everything's fine?

You don't love me, you don't get my couch or my friends.

I'm a package deal, baby!

So, I just told her, "Fire up those walking sticks, Big Red, "because this ain't happening. I'm not having it."

Hey, Forman, we were all there, and that ain't how it happened.

You wanna talk about it some more?

Mmm, no.

Hello, Kitty.

Oh, Pastor Dave, what a nice surprise. How's God?

Fine, thank you.

So, I was wondering if, uh, Red was home. Oh, no. What did he do?

No. No, no, nothing.

Uh, I just thought he might like to, uh, I don't know, goof off?

You want to spend time with Red.

Unless it's a bad time. Oh, no, no, no.

This is a great time. Oh, my God. Red has a visitor.

Red, Pastor Dave's here. For you. Hurry.

Oh, yeah.

I ran into him in the hardware store.

You know, he was gonna try to paint his garage, without priming.

That crazy bastard.

Oh, my. Red has a friend.

Psst.

What are you guys doing today?

We're going to the basement.

Hmm. Sounds fun.

But you know what sounds like even more fun?

Oh! Playing with a bunch of monkeys?

Well, yeah.

But we got cable TV at my house, which we all know has the potential for flashes of brief nudity.

Nudity.

Cable?

Oh, you are so gonna win this breakup!

Now, wait just a minute.

Eric is our friend, our brother.

We cannot just abandon him for nude boobs.

Good point, Fez.

This nudity you speak of, are we talking full frontal?

Does it matter?

No. Let's go.

So, you have no idea where everyone is?

Everyone who?

Hey, you got any popsicles? Donna's all out.

Oh, so that's how it is? Everyone's over at Donna's?

Eric, man, I'm sorry.

And I know that we've been friends for, like, a really long time, but, uh, we were watching Barbarella on cable.

Man, and I not only saw boobs, but I saw boobs in space.

Yeah, space boobs, Eric!

There's no gravity!

She got cable?

That sneaky little wench.

No, no. And corn dogs.

Oh, dogs wrapped in corn.

Oh, sweetmeat on a stick.

Just go.

Thank you.

"At Dave's. Back around 5:00. Red."

Oh.

I hadn't realized before, but the primer is like your emotions.

It's what's underneath the surface.

And the rust is like your anger.

Boy, having a male companion to talk to is changing my life.

I wish I could tell Kitty exactly how I feel about her, but I just can't find the words.

I'll help you. We'll find the words together.

Oh, sure, sometimes I feel like crying, but I just can't.

You can with me.

Hey. Oh, hello.

So, how was your day?

What did you and your new friend do?

Well...

Mmm. Yeah.

So, that's all you did? Yep.

Well, you didn't talk about anything? Nope.

Do you hate him?

Kitty, don't start. No, no, no, no. No.

All I'm saying is, people with friends live longer.

And you are not good at keeping friends.

Bob's scared of you, and Earl isn't speaking to you.

What about Frank? Frank's dead.

Exactly.

It is time to replace your dead friend Frank. I win.

Oh, look, there's a boob!

There's two.

Oh, wait, four.

It's the mother lode.

Oh, man, guy butt. Look away.

I feel kind of bad.

Hon, it's just guy butt. It won't hurt you.

No! About Eric.

I mean, he was totally in the right to kick Donna out.

Oh, he was not right.

Now, you agree with me.

No.

Ow!

Agree with me. No!

Donna broke his heart, and now she should have to pay.

Chex Mix? Oh, thank you, Donna.

Oh, we are so not talking.

All right, Jackie... I said, not talking.

Well done.

All right, Fez... I said, well done.

Oh, there are all my friends.

Hey, Donna, I found these socks of yours, so I thought I'd just, you know, run them right over.

Eric, you can't hang out here.

It's really uncomfortable, so...

Uncomfortable?

Who's uncomfortable?

Oh, fine.

Look, man, I'd go with you, but, you know, it's cable.

Whatever.

Hey, hey, want me to come by later and tell you about the boobs?

No!

Yeah.

It's Dave for you.

Yeah. Fine. Right.

Okay.

Mmm.

You do not grunt to a friend.

Friends don't grunt.

Okay, so I was over at the Pinciotti's, crouched behind the hedge next to the house, and I distinctly heard laughter. Laughter! Well.

I will tell you what. I am not going down without a fight.

No, siree, Bob.

Bob.

The kids really like my jokes?

Oh.

Mr. Pinciotti, if you only knew the number of times Donna's shared one of your doozies with the gang.

Lordy, how we laugh and laugh

and laugh.

Right. I'm going. Okay.

But the tennis pro says...

"We don't serve those kind of balls."

j& What's new, Pussycat? j& Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa j& What's new, Pussycat? j& Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa j&

Welcome home, friends.

Who wants popsicles?

Hey, I don't feel good about this.

Well, would you rather be at Donna's singing backup to Cha Cha D'Amore?

Oh. Well, will you look who's here.

That was a dirty trick, Forman.

Well, I'd love to stay and talk about it, but we're on our way to the movies.

Yeah.

Fine.

Then, I'm taking them bowling Saturday.

Yeah!

Fine. Ooh, what a fun weekend.

Hey, look, you guys can't buy our loyalty with these little field trips.

You're gonna have to start buying us some stuff we can take home.

Well, look, I think it's stupid to have to go day by day.

Why doesn't Donna just get us on the weekends?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's not fair because then Eric gets all the weekday headaches and Donna gets all the fun time.

Fine. Then we'll make a schedule. Eric?

Fine. Have a seat.

Make sure to schedule time with Bob. He takes me to Chuckle Town.

So, what are you and Dave gonna do today?

Go out to the garage and talk friend to friend? That would be nice.

No.

We're gonna turn on the fight and watch two nice men beat the living hell out of each other.

That's nice.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, come on in, Pastor Dave.

Red and I are just so happy that you are here.

Especially Red. Kitty.

I want you to know that it is so nice for Red to finally have a boyfriend.

For God's sakes, Kitty!

Oh, lighten up, silly. Man friend. Whatever.

Someone to talk to, share their feelings with.

Anyway, you are an important part of Red's life.

Oh. Well... No. Wait, don't.

Don't listen to her.

I don't really want to share my feelings with you.

Hell, I don't even think I have feelings.

Now, let's just watch these two guys beat the crap out of each other.

Sold!

Well, I don't care what you say.

You're boyfriends, and that's nice.

You know, Red, I am so glad that I have someone to share with, because I woke up this morning feeling upset.

Ha-ha! Gotcha!

Good one, Dave.

Good one.

Don't ever do that again.

I'm just saying, Forman,

you really didn't deliver on the afternoon like I was hoping.

Dude, I took you everywhere. I bought everything.

It was a great day.

I don't know, man. I mean, I asked you for a six-pack.

You brought me out a tall boy.

I'm just saying.

Fine. Whatever.

They're all yours.

Twenty minutes late.

Sorry. We had to stop so Fez could pee.

Yes, it was my fault. Please do not fight.

Eric, listen, travel time should come out of your time, not mine.

What's on Fez's face?

Nothing. Nothing.

Is that ice cream? Now he won't want dinner!

I am sorry I ate ice cream, Donna. Do not be mad.

Fez, I'm mad at Eric, not at you.

This is not about you.

Listen, I'm not about to limit our good time to help with yours.

Why would you do anything to help me?

Oh, you listen, missy.

I'm not gonna... Stop it! Stop it!

You are tearing us apart!

I hope you're happy. Now you've upset Fez.

Yeah, all right. And your fighting is making me and Jackie fight, and that interferes with us doing it.

And that ain't good!

So, until you guys fix this, we're not hanging out with either one of you.

Let's go.

Hyde, I'm sticky.

Come on. Let's get you cleaned up.

And I'm sleepy.

I know. You had a big day.

This is your fault.

None of this would have happened if you hadn't been such a jerk and kicked me out of the basement.

Well, you came in and you were just so, "Oh, we broke up, and I don't care, and, hey, let's just watch TV. j& "Tra la la la la" j&

Eric, I was faking it.

I'm miserable and uncomfortable, and this whole thing sucks.

You're miserable?

Well, that's great.

I mean, I'm miserable too.

Okay, so, how about this?

We just hang out together and pretend everything's fine, you know, for the sake of our friends.

I can do that. Okay.

But, you know, you have to stop trying to look so hot when you come over.

I have not been doing that.

Red lipstick, no bra?

Okay, yeah, I did that.

And, Fez, you sit on the dryer. Okay.

This new seating arrangement should really work.

There you kids are.

I think I finally remembered the punch line to the Italian midget joke.

My mom made fish.

I gotta register for the draft.

Me, too. I gotta go count my G.I. Joes.

I'll be in the oven.

Wow! Tough room.