That '70s Show S4E4 Script

Hyde Gets the Girl (2001)

Elke Sommer to block. Elke Sommer to block.

Oh, you stupid son of a bitch.

Donna loved Hollywood Squares.

Oh, Forman, come on, man. Give it a rest, huh?

So you're single now. That's a good thing.

Now you're like me, man.

You're free to be with lots of subpar, somewhat sleazy chicks.

It's Christmas, baby.

Oh, you disguise your heart, Hyde, but I know you need love.

Why is that? 'Cause I need it.

All right, I'm going to work before you two start braiding each other's hair.

You know what? I wish for once Hyde would fall in love, you know?

So we could make fun of him.

We'd be all, "Hey, everyone...

"Hyde's in love."


Oh, I know. Let's get Hyde a woman.

We can have a let's-get-Hyde-a-woman party.

And we can have food and music and, uh...

Women? That's it.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

This party is a great idea.

I'm gonna find the perfect match for Steven.

After all, my nickname is "the queen of romance."

No one calls you that.

Now, we will each bring no less than two and no more than five girls to the party for Hyde, okay?

I will console the rejects with a hot oil massage.

I will be nude.

Well, I'm out of here. The radio station's giving away a van and I got to work. I will be clothed.

Well, I think it's a great idea.

Steven is almost a man and he needs to meet a girl who will help him find his way.

Yeah, a girl helped me find my way to hell!

I'm in hell.

Oh, you're not in hell. If you're too hot, take off your sweater.

So, it's settled. We'll have the party here. No, Kitty.

I don't know what you're talking about, but no.

Yes. We're having a little party for Steven so he can meet his Miss Right.

Why is it here? Why is it always here?

Well, what do you want them to do, have the party in the street?


They puke in the street, the city cleans it up.

Oh, man!

Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.

Okay, listen up, everybody. The rules are simple.

You place one hand on the van.

If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out.

Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions?

You're out.

Any other questions? Don't start without me, Max.

Oh, God.


My name is Daniel and I've won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972.

I'm unbeatable. So the choice is yours, joy or despair, pleasure or pain,

life or death.

I am Daniel!

And I cannot be beaten.

Look at what I brought.

Big Rhonda? Uh-huh.

There goes the keg.

Everybody, look who's here.

A caring, intelligent, snazzy young man, Steven Hyde.

Um, thanks.

Hey, man, what's going on?

I thought we were watching Saturday Night Live.

Yeah, change of plans. We're having a party with girls, a keg and girls.

For no reason whatsoever.


And there's no agenda.

All right.

Stop grilling me, you bastard.

Hi, Melissa. How's the contest going? Lame.

But at least the boneheads are entertaining.

Check out that idiot's 'fro.

Hey, that's my dad.

Oh! Uh...

No. Okay, yeah, you're right.

So, hey, what are you doing tonight?

We're in Wisconsin, so nothing.

Well, I'm going to this party. It's in a stinky basement and they'll have a stolen keg.

I'm in. Cool.

Hey, Dad. I brought you some mints and your Afro pick.

Oh, thank God, Donna. My hair was starting to look silly.

Hey, check out the redhead.

That redhead is my baby girl, Donna. I'm her dad.

I want Donna to call me "Daddy."

That's it! Ah, Bob.

You took your hand off the van. You lose.

This isn't over. It is, for you.

Get out of here.

And so begins the battle of wits.

Oh, man, I've never been good at wits.


So, chips and dip, huh?


And the words kind of sound alike, so that's always fun.

Look, no offense, but I'm really not in the mood for talking.

I just broke up with my girlfriend, so...


You poor thing.

You know, you have these sad lips that are just so hot.


I may not be popular, but if given the chance, I'll put out something fierce.



How's it going?

Great, great, great, great. 'Cause, see, at first, I thought I should wear my hair up. But, let's be honest, my hair is one of my top five features, so, voila, it's down.

Psst! Psst!

Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.

So, we meet every week to pray and discuss scripture. You in?

I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?

It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented, but in my case, it's true.

I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.

You gonna eat that?

I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled, but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.

My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke.

Or don't smoke? Or smoke?

Wait, do you smoke?

Okay, so guess which leg's real.

I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.

So, what do you think?

You know, I think, if I time this right, I can nail every single one of these girls tonight.

No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one, to love, not nail. Love.

Yeah, right.

Okay, listen to me, Johnny Cool. I threw this party for you, so you can find one girlfriend to love you. And that is all. One.

You set this up?

Yeah, we all thought you needed help finding a quality woman.

What? Man, you sit around and talk about me?

Is that what's going on? Look, I don't want your help.

I give and I do, and I do and I give.

And for what? For nothing.

Well, I'm done. Go.

But, Fez... I said, go.

Hey, Hyde. Hey.

This is Melissa. She just moved here from Chicago.

We work at the radio station together.

Melissa, this is Hyde.

You're not leaving already, are you?

Uh, no, I came out to get some fresh air.

It's, uh... It's fresher out here, the air.

I like air. How about you? Air's okay.

You know what's really good? Water.

That's really...

This summer I'm gonna visit my aunt in Mississippi.

Oh, you're going away? That is sad.

Hey, you should come with me, chocolate milk.

When I looked across the room, I saw a guy who was wounded.

A guy who sits in the dark, waiting for the light to find him again.

If only I could find this light you speak of, then maybe, just maybe, my pain might go away.

Would it help if I held you? I doubt it.

But let's try, Katie.

Yeah, lower. Yeah.

I am so disgusted. Oh, I know.

There are way too many girls at this party.

I can't even smell my own perfume.

Well, you're the only one.

You know, you may not even be the prettiest girl here.

You shut your hole.

I am pretty. Unsure.

Must find Michael.

Hi. You know, I'm a guy who's wounded.

So, I'm gonna go grab a beer. Thanks.

Get one for yourself, too.

No, I...


Can I get you a beer? There you go. Thanks.

A toast to all my good friends.

I will miss you when I blow out of this burg with the beautiful Big Rhonda.

Now it's off to Mississyphilis!

Oh, no, Red, they've been drinking.

Well, well, what do you know?

Here, Kelso.

Thought you might need some coffee to keep you going.

Hey, you know what would be fun?

Seeing which one of us could drink the most coffee, huh?

Oh, no. You'll just lose.

No, I would not. I could so beat you.

Well, I doubt that. Oh, you're going down.

That's my six to your one! Yeah, you really whipped me.

Kelso, have you ever been to Niagara Falls?

Uh-uh. Mmm.

Don't you like the soothing sound of water?

Yeah, I guess. You ever sat beside a babbling brook, listening to the beautiful, steady stream of water?

Well, I... Okay, I don't know if you realize this, but all this talk about water is really making me have to go pee.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I can see that "urine" a lot of pain.

Yeah, well, you better shut up, 'cause you're gonna have to go, too.

That's where you're wrong. I am going.

I know I just met her, Mr. Red, but I love her.

She is sturdy.

I want to climb her.

You're just desperate to give it away, aren't you, son?

Yes, yes, I am.

Look, there are two things that you need to learn about women.

Oh, finally, the sex talk.

First, if a woman outweighs you by 30 pounds, you're in for trouble.

Well, I'll put on weight, I'll bridge the gap.

Which brings me to my second point.

When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun.

But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.

Michael. Jackie.

I thought you were at the party. No, it was awful.

Do you know what it's like to be the prettiest girl at a party and not have anyone acknowledge it?

Yes, I do.

Michael, am I pretty? Oh, come on, cupcake, you are the prettiest girl in Point Place.

No, you know what? In Wisconsin. Nice one, Pinocchio.

Am I prettier than Pam Macey? Of course.

Am I prettier than Farrah Fawcett? Oh, all right, come on, she's like a perfect 10 and you are an 11.

Am I prettier than... Oh, my God.

Am I prettier than the girl with the feathered hair at the supermarket?

Okay, okay, the blonde-haired one or the brown-haired one?

Well, does it matter?

No, 'cause you smoke them both, baby!

Am I prettier than... Oh, my God!

I can't take it anymore.

"Am I pretty?" "Am I pretty?"

"Am I pretty?" Shut up!

And we finally have a winner.

I did it! Oh, my God, I won!

Who's the best? I'm the best. Loser!

I'm not a loser, okay? I win everything.

I don't lose. I win.

Because I'm a winner.

I'm a winner!

So, Michael Kelso, tell Wisconsin how it feels to be WFPP's new Hand 2 Van winner.

Well, I guess I have to say it like this, Max, if this van's a-rocking, we're in there doing it.

Michael! Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm doing it with Jackie Burkhart.

If you really think putting my head on your lap will make me feel better, I mean, I guess I should try.

All right, that's it.

Excuse me, girls. I have some information...

No, don't listen to what she's... I'm... She's the one who hurt me.

Uh-huh. Yeah. He dumped me.

You dumped her? Well, I had to.

She wouldn't... She wouldn't take my ring.

You wouldn't take his ring? This is none of your business, and you are a sad little man.

Oh, poor baby. Do you want my number? Yes. Yes, I do.

So, you having fun? That reminds me, I have to go.

Uh, Melissa.

Um, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something sometime.

Sorry, I did something last night and I already made plans for sometime.

No, wait, wait. Let me try that again.

Um, look, if you're not doing anything Friday night, I'd like to take you out to, um... To... To dinner and a movie.


The mall?

Bowling? I'd love to.

Call me. Call you?

That's a little unorthodox.

I'll call you.

Yes. "I'll call you." "I'll call you." Whipped.

What? I don't care about her. Melissa who? What the hell!

Whipped like the family pig.

Rhonda, I cannot go to Mississippi.

So, you're not coming? I'm sorry.

But maybe we can go to the movies sometime.

And make out in the theater? Yeah!

Call me.

Good God, sober up, man.

Oh, screw it, Donna.

Fez likes them big, Fez likes them small, Fez likes them all.