That '70s Show S4E5 Script

Bye Bye Basement (2001)

Steven, its seven- damn-thirty in the morning.

What the hell are you doing here?

Red, be nice.

Steven, we're waiting.

Well, I've been living in the basement.

You know, I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor, but I just wrote it off to my changing teenage body.

I moved back in when my dad got transferred.

Transferred? He's a bartender.

Where'd he get transferred to, the jukebox?

You know, Red, if it's cool, I'd kind of rather not talk about it.

Well, Steven, it's important to get these things out in the open.

Kitty, let him do what's natural and keep his feelings bottled up.

Atta-boy.

Well...

Welcome back, Steven.

You know, maybe we can spruce up your old room since I decided to redo the basement.

What? You're redoing the basement?

Well, honey, no one uses it.

I use it.

Every day.

It's my bat cave.

I'll find you a good, cheap contractor.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is something I want to handle myself.

This is gonna be expensive, isn't it?

Maybe.

Don't you like anything cheap?

I like you.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Yeah, I'm gonna miss it down here.

Lot of good times.

Broke my foot climbing out of this dryer.

And my head playing hand ball with the soap in that shower.

Me and Jackie totally did it like a bajillion times on this old sofa.

Michael, that's private.

I got news for you. It wasn't that private.

Oh, my God!

That is the biggest spider I have ever seen.

I think it had a rat in its mouth!

Ugh!

Okay, I think maybe the basement isn't the place for me after all.

Oh, you know what, Mom? I think you might be right.

I mean, not only is it bug-infested down here, but in all honesty, I think it might be haunted.

Get out!

That's spooky.

I don't know, Mrs. Forman.

I mean, sure it's a pit now, but if you paint, fumigate, and get rid of Eric, this could be a great room.

Hey, what...

Hey, okay. You're not my girlfriend anymore, okay?

So you don't get an opinion on my stuff now.

Mom, don't listen to her. She's crazy.

Oh, wait, I disagree with you, so I'm crazy?

I think the last time I disagreed with you was the sanest thing I ever did.

Ok, are you referring to our breakup?

Because I must remind everyone here that she wore my promise ring around her neck.

That's crazy!

Ring, finger. Finger, ring.

Well, you're lucky I didn't shove the ring up your ass!

Mom...

All right, well... who said, "get out"?

Anyway, Mrs. Forman, we have a bunch of decorating magazines at home.

I'll bring them over.

Well, thank you, Donna.

And I think that ring looked nice around your neck.

Donna, what the hell?

What, we're not going out anymore, so you don't like my basement?

Well, I guess now that I'm an ex-girlfriend, I'm free to tell the truth.

Free at last! Free at last! Whoo!

Michael, get Eric some ice.

Why?

For that wicked burn! Burn, Eric, burn!

Oh, happy day.

Your friend Fez has taken his love of dance to its logical conclusion.

I have joined a ballet class.

Man, no offense, but you're, like, one good cry away from being the total woman.

Oh, really? Well, would a total woman have her own pink satin slippers?

Oh, Red. Here, um...

Meet our contractors.

This is Theo.

And...

Hey, Mr. Eric's dad.

This is who you hired to redo our basement?

Well, no, no.

Actually, I... I hired Theo.

And, uh, I didn't really expect Leo.

That was, um... That was a bonus!

Ha, ha, ha!

Here, shoo, Leo.

Uh, don't worry, ma'am. Leo is solid.

And he's not allowed to touch anything electrical.

Kitty, I hate to interfere...

I understand your concern, sir.

But I'm not an irresponsible screw-up like my cousin Leo.

That's true, man.

I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life.

But then one day the smoke cleared.

See, red? He had an epiphany.

Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared.

But, uh...

Then I saw how trashed my apartment was, so I rebuilt it.

Been a contractor ever since.

Well, I'm sold.

Okay, Donna.

When did you stop liking my basement?

I never liked it.

There were a lot of things I kept to myself when we were dating.

Yeah, well...

There were plenty of things I kept to myself.

Plenty.

Like what, for instance?

I'm sure Donna would like to know.

Yeah. Like what, for instance?

Well, like...

Why don't you just start first?

Okay. You know how when you eat and you smack your lips in that really cute way?

Yeah.

It's disgusting.

That's all you got?

No. You have tiny wrists.

What?

No, I don't.

Mom, do I have tiny wrists?

No, not tiny. Dainty.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

The doctor always said you were in the normal range.

See? Normal.

Big bone magoo.

Ooh. That's nice.

You don't have to tell me.

It's really cool you're here.

Most men won't take ballet class.

Oh, my pet...

Most men are not Fez.


This whole basement thing is Donna's fault.

I... what's her problem?

She's been messing with me all day.

Could be payback.

For what?

Well, she had to see you naked for two years.

That must have been unpleasant.

You know, for a guy who's been orphaned twice, you really lack compassion.

Speaking of hurtful things...

Hey, where's your dad, man?

Okay.

He, um...

He went to work for the police.

Developing high-tech handcuffs to restrain people with tiny wrists.


Hey, uh...

Puffy shirt guy called.

He wants his puffy shirt back.

Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse.

Somehow I've become one of the girls.

A hairy brown girl.

Hey, uh, Fez...

Does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?

Well, you should talk. That shirt makes you look like a stick of fruit-stripe gum.

God, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Carnation instant bitch?

Okay, that one was out of the park.

Ugh! I am so bored with you two!

You know what? I actually want to talk about Fez.

Fez, why don't the women at ballet love you?

I don't know. They let me touch their thighs, but not their hearts.

You know what might help?

If you dress a little more masculine.

Hey, Hyde. Huh?

You know what my favorite ballet is?

The Nutcracker?

Ohh...

Hey, guys.

Don't you think it's time to knock off?

You know? Maybe forever.

Yeah, well, we're not done yet.

Don't let us get in your way.

Do whatever you'd normally do.

This is what you normally do?

I used to do this, too, back when I was being an artist.

I love art.

But I hate work.

But... I love art.

But I hate work.

Do you hear that, Forman?

Theo's an artist who hates work.

And who, at this moment, is very open to suggestion.

Oh. I gotcha, Hyde.

Theo...

Cluck like a chicken. Do it.

Ow!

Oh.

Theo, if you're unhappy, and I hope you are, you gotta be true to yourself.

Give up construction, man. Go back to art.

You broke up with art?

I mean, I don't know what Eric's problem is.

I wasn't being a bitch, was I?

Oh... Donna, I know from bitch, and, yes, yes, you were.

But I feel much closer to you now.

All right. Okay.

I know what's going on here.

You're being mean to Eric

'cause you want to do it with him.

I mean, when Jackie dumped me, I had a butt load of leftover wanting-to- do-it-with-her, feelings.

Oh, my God.

You morons might be right.

But why do I have these stupid feelings left over?

I mean, I just want to be friends with him now.

What a child.

So innocent.

Mmm.

You're never gonna be friends with him, all right?

The only reason he was friends with you is so he could do it with you.

Really?

So he made friends with me when I was five so he could do it with me when I was 17?

Well, that and your sweet big wheel.

Okay, off to ballet class now.

More masculine, yes?

Ok, we're all done.

But you've only been here a day.

Well, you know what they say.

Rome was built in a day.

No, uh, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Well, your basement was built in a day.

Ta-da!

You didn't do anything.

It's a commentary.

See, you wanted to change your basement into something that it wasn't, so, instead of giving you something that you thought you wanted, I gave you something that you needed.

Red...

I think my contractor's on dope.

No need to thank me.

Oh, we won't...

Because you didn't do anything, hop-head.

Look!

It's art.

I moved everything in this basement two inches to the left.

Oh, yeah.

I call it, Basement, Two Inches To The Left.

It's wild, huh?

I mean, it's like, where are you?

All right.

Mrs. Eric's mother would like you to leave now.

Okay, you don't get it...

But when your life shifts two inches to the left, you're gonna call me. Ohh, yes.

You are gonna call me.

And if you like our work, tell your friends, okay?

Oh, well.

Look who finally got his basement back.

Yep. Out with the two hippie burnouts.

Walk tall.

So, hey, Hyde...

Come on. Where's your dad, really?

Fine, you wanna know?

He and my mom got back together.

No way. No way. That's great.

So, where are they?

I can't tell you.

Why not?

'Cause they won't tell me.

They split on you?

Oh, man.

Oh, man. See, this is why I didn't wanna tell you.

I knew you'd get all "after school special" on me.

Me? Please.

It's ok.

You're home now.

Get off me, man.

No, you let me love you, orphan boy.

Don't hide from your feelings.

So, hey.

Hey.

Look, I'm sorry I've been so...

Bitchy?

Yeah, I hadn't noticed.

Who said "bitchy"?

Yeah, well, it turns out that there are some lingering feelings or something.

Not real feelings, just like lingering urges...

But they're just lingering feelings.

They're not actual feelings.

Just wanna make that very clear.

You have by using the word "lingering," like, 6 times.

Okay.

And the basement's actually really cool...

And your wrists are very wide.

Hmm, um, there must be some way to break the tension here.

Oh, I know.

Let's just have sex.

Okay. Really?

No. See ya.

Like I wanted to.

I did want to.