That '70s Show S4E6 Script

The Relapse (2001)

Good morning. I have terrible news.

Are we out of bacon?

No. I was outside...

Remember that time we were out of bacon?

Do I?

Nearly tore this family apart.

Listen to me!

Midge left Bob.

Are you sure?

I mean, maybe she's just lost in the backyard.

This is serious. I was up early, and I saw Midge getting into her car with a suitcase and I said, "Where are you going, Midge?"

Because I'm concerned, not nosy, and she said to me, "I am leaving Bob, and I am never coming back."

And I said... "Okay".

And then...

I laughed like I do when I'm uncomfortable.

But what about Donna?

I mean... what're they gonna do?

Well, okay, they are going to depend on the kindness of their friends and neighbors, which is why we need to go over there as a family, to comfort them.

Yikes. I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, it just seems like it'd be, like, there'd be an awful lot of...



So... no.

Yeah, no.

Well, fine.

I will go myself.

Hey, where are you going with my food?

To Bob and Donna.

When your wife or mother leaves you, you need a good breakfast.

I need a good breakfast.

Well, I didn't leave you. Eat a pop-tart!

When I woke up, her bag was packed and she left.

Didn't even say where she was going.

On the other hand, we have pancakes with egg eyes and bacon smiley faces!

The hash brown hair is nice.

I can't believe she would just take off without even a hint or a warning.

No warning?

Dad, she was always saying, "I'm unhappy, and I'm gonna leave."

Honey, that's just what married people say.

Did she say where she was going?

Well, um, she said she was going to California... to...

To be a star on Broadway.


Oh, Midgie.

She may not have been smart, but she sure was sweet.

And built, too, boy.


Thanks, Mrs. Forman, but I'm really not hungry.

Oh, what a nightmare.

She was unhappy, Bob.

No. She took the El Dorado.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

So Midge just took off?

Ah. Poor Donna.

Yeah, this is really bad.

Yeah, not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet uptown rack.

Oh, good God, man, what a marvelous set of kittens.

Remember that sweater? Oh.

Remember that other sweater?


Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?

Remember the week she took up jump rope?

In a sweater?


What are you boys thinking about so hard?

Nothing. Homework.

Jesus. Kittens.

Okay, um, Eric, I need you to take a casserole to the Pinciottis.

So run upstairs and put on a nice clean shirt and a sport coat.

What? No, I'm not going over there.

Donna and I broke up, and things are weird with us.

Well, that's too bad.

Because I went over there, and Bob's a crier.

And a hugger.

And when you get caught in a crying-Bob hug, there is no escape, and I cannot go back over there!

I don't know. I like to be hugged by Bob.

Makes me feel safe.

Okay, okay, there he is. Go talk to him.

No, Kitty, it's a personal matter and I...


That's mature.

Hey, there, Red!

Hi, Bob.

What a day, huh? What a day to be alive. I feel great.

You do?

Well, then...

I can go back inside.


Yep, Midgie's been on me for weeks to weed the garden.

And I'm finally getting around to it, so when she comes back, she's gonna see that I did it.

You think she's coming back?

Well, why shouldn't she? I did all the right things.

We had an open marriage, experimented with drugs.

I even threw nudist parties.

Yeah, what more could a husband do?

All right. Let's not get bummed out, guys, okay?

There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge.

And they deserve our respect, 'cause they can teach us stuff.

Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year-old.

They must know everything.

And not just about sex, but history and trivia, too.


The young ones are too timid, but the older ones, they know it won't break.

How could it break? It is invincible.

Yeah, and plus, they're, like, grateful, you know, so they'll do it with, like, almost anybody.


Well, that's me.

Let's find Fez a dirty housewife to love.

Yeah, man, I'm in. Hyde?

I don't know, guys. I was gonna go watch Donahue.

What do you think the chances are of Fez getting burned?

Pretty good. Damn good.

Then I am in.

Hey. Hey.


Hey, look, I'm really sorry about your mom.

And, uh...

I mean...

Are you okay?

I don't know. It's weird.

Yeah, well, you know, it won't make you feel any better, but for some reason I brought you a casserole.

I mean, why is it that every time something bad happens, grownups always think you need food?

You know? You lost your job?

"Congratulations, you got a bucket of chicken!"

I mean, the last thing you want is to...

Are these crushed potato chips?


Donna, look...

I know we broke up, but I still, you know...

I still care about you.

Okay. Okay.


Eric, in the bedroom.

Oh, yeah, I knew that.

I'll just... I'm gonna...

Is that a tennis getup?


Yeah, I'm out.

What's his problem? This is the perfect outfit for picking up older ladies.

Uh-huh. How's that?

Well, everyone knows that horny older ladies hang out at tennis clubs.

Yeah, well, see, Fez, Point Place doesn't have a tennis club or even a tennis court.

We do have that concrete wall behind the gym, but people mostly use that just for smoking weed and beating up freshmen.

And foreign exchange students.

You were new, okay?

No. You know where we've gotta go to get the ladies, is the grocery store.

Oh, the Piggly Wiggly? I love the Piggly Wiggly.

They have candy.

Yeah. And older ladies.

And candy.

Yeah, but the important thing is the older ladies.

And candy.

All right, Fez. What do you want?

The older ladies or the candy?

Fine, you win. The older ladies.

Thank you. And candy.

It was the sport coat, right?

Again? Yes, please.

So, you don't want to cuddle?

That's cool.

Bob thinks Midge is coming back?

That is the saddest thing I ever heard.

Oh, come on, Kitty. Let him think it. Who does it hurt?

It hurts Bob.

Well, who else does it hurt?


Red, Bob has to grieve so the healing can begin.

But, Kitty, then he'll grieve all over me.

Hey, remember that time Bob ate a bad taco and grieved all inside your car?

Thank you. Case closed.

Why would you bring that up?

Sorry, Mrs. Forman.

It's just that it was gross, so I think about it a lot.

Hi, kids. Good to see you. Good to see you.

Someone is looking lovely today, Mom.

What's with you, man?

Oh, I guess a little thing like getting back together with your old gal puts a spring in a man's step.

You and Donna are back together? That is wonderful!

So did you talk things through?


Then how do you know you're back together?

Yeah, we talked things through.

Talked or grunted?


Okay, well, good.

I'm gonna need details.

Oh, there will be details aplenty in my steamy letter to Penthouse.

Okay, my mom's still behind me, isn't she?

So you guys did it?


Five times.


And you're back together?

Oh, yeah. God, no.

It was like... magic.

Oh, I feel sick.

Yep, we're back together.

And, Hyde, more than this, much... more than this...

I'm sure he's forgotten all about it.

Man, back when I was cheating on Jackie, I used to meet a ton of older ladies here.

Hello, Michael.

Hey, Joyce.

That's Coach Ferguson's wife!

Yeah. She's lonely, and she drinks.

You're a Piggly Wiggly god.



Oh, me like.

Go make your move, man.

Aye, no.

After I painted Midgie's bathroom pink, sprinkled a little lavender water in her toilet like she likes, I went out and got these chocolates. I hope she likes them.

I guess we'll find out when she comes back, huh?

Bob, she... I...

Oh, Bob, you poor, dumb son of a bitch.

That's mean.

Bob, she's not coming back.

Yes, she is. No, she's not.

Yes, she is. No, she's not.

Yes, she is. No, she's not!

Yes, she is!


These chocolates are for Midge, Bob?

They're for Midge? Fine!

Let's give them to Midge!

Here you go, Midge!

You're throwing away Midgie's chocolates.

And why would I do that, Bob?

'Cause you're mean.

And why else?

She's not coming back, is she?

I knew that.

Listen, you wanna go get a beer?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're a good friend.

I might cry.

And I might hit you.

Michael, how could you bring poor, sweet Fez to the Piggly Wiggly?

There are a lot of footloose women in that store.

Do you know Joyce Ferguson?

Who? No! That's a lie!

What? What? What? What?

And you.

Grabbing strange rear ends is no way to meet a nice girl.

It's rude, ungentlemanly behavior that will not be appreciated by a woman of class.

And thank you for the compliment. It made my day.

You know what I just noticed? Mrs. Forman is hot.

Yeah, she's a cutie.

And firm.

You know, maybe we should get her a sweater for Christmas.

She actually doesn't want to be with you at all.

Isn't that hilarious?

Yeah, he thinks you're back together.

It's really sad.

Hold on. What?

Look, she said she would've done it with anybody.

No, no. Donna wouldn't say that.

I mean, it was like I would've done it with anybody.


Damn, and I was just over there watching stupid Donahue.

Hey, let's do it right now.

Eric's gonna be so mad.

Are you mad? So mad.

Yeah, I'm just kidding about the "do it" stuff.

I'm sorry about your mom.


You know what?

That's it. She can't use me like this.

I'm going over there to yell at her right now!

With yelling!

Seriously, let's do it right now.

Okay, listen. You need to tell me what the hell you think you're doing!

What am I doing? Well, my mom left us, so I'm boxing up her clothes, because I can't look at them anymore.

And I'm sorry for needing you, but I did.

So if you have something to say to me, just say it.

Okay, thank you!

I did have something to say, and it was good!

But that was before you said your mom stuff and your sad-clothes stuff, and now my sex stuff... sounds... sucky.

Look, I'm sorry if you thought that we...

No. No, I'm sorry.

Let's just... What...

What, do you need some help or something?

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

This is mine.

Midge borrowed it, and she never gave it back.

I bet my bra's here, too.

I miss my li'l Midgers.

Bob, you know the rules. You cry, you buy.

Three pitchers, please.