That '70s Show S4E9 Script

The Forgotten Son (2001)

Well, here are my boys. How was work?

Oh, you know, just another day of restocking upper Point Place with durable household goods. Sleep soundly, Wisconsin.

I got some big news from the Price Mart home office.

Ooh! They finally gonna let you physically discipline the workers?

No, but I still have a free hand at home. Right.

Headquarters is having every manager make a departmental training film.

And they picked me for the stockroom.

Stockroom. Wow!

Yeah.

Steve from Oshkosh got ice-and-snow management.

Loser.

Well, Red, that is wonderful.

Yeah, I know.

Every single Price Mart stock boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.

Oh, you mean, undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?

You know, if you would just zip it for a second, you might be interested in hearing who I want to play the stock boy.

Oh, look, Dad, I appreciate the thought...

I'm gonna use this idiot!

All right!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Man, I guess my movie career is getting started sooner than I thought.

Kelso's playing the stock boy?

This is my favorite thing ever.

Well, Michael does have marvelous bone structure.

Oh, but you will too, honey, once you fill out.

Oh, man. Mom burn!

Yep.

That's twice the normal burn.

Dad, how can you choose Kelso to play the Price Mart stock boy?

You have a better suggestion?

Hello!

I am a Price Mart stock boy.

I just came from stocking at Price Mart.

And I am currently wearing a Price Mart stock boy smock.

Good point, Eric. Give your smock to Kelso.

Oh, I don't think my broad, photogenic shoulders are gonna fit in that little thing.

Now, don't take this personal, Son.

You're just too twitchy and skinny.

Well, you know, the camera adds 10 pounds.

Yeah, 10. Not 40.

How could he pick Kelso to play the stock boy?

I'm the one with the acting experience, remember?

I was mushroom number two in Alice in Wonderland.

But you were mushroom number one in my heart.

Hey.

Oh, hey. What's up?

We're going to lunch.

We're going to lunch?

Well, actually, honey, we're going to lunch.

You and I are going to lunch?

Well, no.

You and Donna and I are going to lunch?

Well, almost, honey.

You and Donna are going to lunch?

Nothing gets past you, Einstein.

I don't think I like the idea of you two going out to lunch together.

Well, what if we bring you back a sandwich?

Well, a sandwich isn't gonna make me feel better, Mom.

Okay, then. We're leaving.

Well, in that case, I would like a sandwich.

Yeah, I don't like this day.

Hey, dudes.

Hey, Leo man, Huggy Bear called. He wants his suit back.

Huggy Bear?

This is my suit, man.

So, to what do we owe the fancy pants?

Great news, man.

I inherited a million bucks from my dead uncle.

Shut up. No way.

It's true. So, come on, let's share the wealth!

Come on, I'll buy you anything you want.

Does that include burgers and nudie mags?

Include? That's half the budget, man.

Eric, have you seen Donna?

She was supposed to help me sort out my daytime cosmetics from my nighttime cosmetics, but she never showed up.

Oh, you haven't heard?

Donna's got a new friend.

And I, for one, think it's time you met her.

Donna, what are you doing?

We invented a new cookie.

It's a variation of the snickerdoodle.

We're calling it the "Donnakitty."

Or the "Ditty."

We haven't decided.

Donna, you're supposed to be sorting, as in my cosmetics.

Oh, yeah. I'm real sorry I missed that.

It started as an annoying, but innocent lunch.

And now they're inventing cookies. It's growing, man.

It's the freaking Blob.

Donna, why do you need a new friend?

Haven't I always been there for you?

Uh, no.

I hope your cookies burn!

Eric, old people and young people are not supposed to spend time together.

It's unnatural.

What am I supposed to do about it?

Well, you better do something.

You know what girls talk about when they get together.

Um...

Sugar and spice and everything nice?

That's what we're made of, you dumb ass.

They talk about men, and that would be you.

Well, barely.

You know, you could really use a refill on the "everything nice."

You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me, but now that I'm all paranoid, I'm all, like, paranoid.

I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?

Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate, pretty boy.

That's me.

So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after, and I choose Travolta.

Kelso, I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film.

Bravo, man.

That is good advice.

Man...

I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.

Yeah and Donna's a big mouth.

Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.

What?

I did not.

I had a zit. Stop looking at me.

Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment.

Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor.

He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.

"Yeah, I'll stock this shelf!

"But someday

"I'm gonna dance across this whole city."

That's dead-on.

Okay, we need to talk.

It's about, shall we say, your new crowd.

And don't even pretend you and Donna aren't talking about me.

'Cause I know what's going on here, and it goes a little something like this...

Oh, honey, you look wonderful.

Say, can we look at Eric's naked baby pictures again?

They're right here!

My, you could tell even then he'd always be small.

Yeah, he really is tiny.

It's not satisfying.

Well, how could it be, dear?

But at least he's nice.

Yeah, he's nice.

Yeah, he's nice...

For a nancy boy!

So, what do you say to that?

All right, now, Kelso.

You'll just go through a few typical stock boy tasks while I firmly, but kindly, oversee you.

Got it. All right. Let's get started.

Kelso.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, see, I'm going for a Travolta thing.

Okay, my character's actually a dancer who's just stocking shelves until he makes it big.

All right, all right, let me paint a picture for you.

Just close your eyes.

Okay, imagine with your eyes open.

Just come with me.


Just stack the cans, moron.

But why am I stacking cans?

See, I'm thinking that the manager is a bad guy.

So, why would I stack cans for him?

Because if you don't stack the cans, the manager is going to kill you.

Oh! So I'm afraid for my life.

That works. All right, let's act.

Oh, no. You're alone.

Where's your little buddy, Skipper?

Okay, sweetie.

My friendship with Donna is making you uncomfortable, so I'm gonna call it off.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Well, thank you.

Maybe some of your loyalty will rub off on Dad.

Oh. Don't let that bother you.

Michael may have movie-star good looks, but you are much, much smarter than he is.

Okay, why couldn't you have said that in front of everyone instead of how great Kelso's bone structure is?

I don't want to make anybody feel bad.

Well, good job.

All right, guys, let's shop!


Thanks again, Leo.

Yes, thank you.

You know what would make this outfit perfect?

A cockatoo.

Then we'll get a cockatoo, or three.

Hey, Red, listen, I got this great new idea I want to lay on you about our movie.

Dad, I've heard this idea, and speaking as an unbiased observer with no score to settle...

...it is great. Go!

Kelso, you don't get to have ideas.

Dad, if I could just interject.

This idea will literally change industrial filmdom forever.

Go get them, Kelso. Go!

Okay.

The stock boy has a love interest. No.

Now, before you say no, I already found the perfect person.

Oh, stock boy, I love you!

No. Get out.

Okay, um...

Eric's uncomfortable because he thinks we talk about him, which we don't.

Although that story about him wearing makeup to his class pictures was a hoot.

But I guess what I'm saying is, um... we probably shouldn't see each other anymore.

But it's been so nice having someone to talk to since my mom left.

I know.

Someone who understands what I'm going through.

Oh, honey.

Someone to make banana bread with.

I ate that for dinner three nights in a row.

Oh, you poor, sweet girl.

What the hell?

Boy, being a millionaire is great.

Well, at least you put the money to good use.

Fun Tart?

Don't mind if I do. Candy Button?

I've got a million of them.

So, Leo, man, tell us about your Uncle Ed.

Why'd he leave you all his money?

Check it out, man. It's all in this letter he sent me.

Your Uncle Ed is Ed McMahon?

Yeah.

Who knew I was Scottish?

Damn, Leo, you didn't inherit $1 million.

That's a sweepstakes contest.

Well, then who has my money?

There is no money, you son of a bitch!

Oh.

Wow. I guess all this stuff has to go back.

Oh, that means you, too, Feathery Frank.

Good day. But, Fez...

I said, good day.

I'm leaving Brooklyn, Mr. Formanelli.

And when I get to Manhattan, I'm gonna be a star.

So, what do you think?

You're fired.

You.

Price Mart is only as strong as its weakest stock boy.

Just look at what one well-trained worker can accomplish.

Neat, efficient, organized. The Price Mart way.

And each job completed with that award-winning Price Mart attitude.

Remember, you can't spell stock boy without...

"Oh, boy!"

Perfect.

Well, who would have thought a stock boy would do a good job playing a stock boy?

Yeah, I mean, it's a topsy-turvy world.

Yeah. You did a good job.

Wait a minute.

Are you proud of me?

No, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that.

So, do we hug now?

Men don't hug.

My daddy loves me.

Shut it.

I love you, too, Daddy.

Oh, well, look who's here.

Do a little shopping, ladies?

Well, it's not like I can take my dad shopping.

I mean, every time a saleslady brings over some underwear, he gets embarrassed and goes, "Whoo-hoo!"

So, I suppose you have something snarky to say about that.

You know what?

I don't.

Really? No.

Look, your mom can't take you shopping, so, you know what?

It's cool with me if you guys want to hang out.

Honey, I am so glad you understand.

Yeah, Eric, thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, just, look, please, no talking about me, okay?

And no looking at my naked baby pictures, either.

They're misleading.

Honey, I've already seen you naked.

Mom.

Oh. And she's already seen you naked!

You know what? From now on, that's all we should talk about.

Okay. Leaving now.

Okay, here he is on the potty.

Look how hard he's concentrating.

Oh, ooh, I have some earlier ones.

Look at that baby.

Didn't he have the cutest little behind? Yeah.

So when did he lose it?

Right around when he turned 10.

It was the strangest thing. Poof!

Like someone ironed him.