That '70s Show S5E10 Script

The Crunge (2002)

Guess what.

Oh, nobody guess. It's always about boobs.

Oh, come on. Don't you want to know what I have to say?

Man, I never know what you have to say.

I mean, in your head you're speaking English but when it comes out, it's all buzzes and clicks.

Oh, really?

Well, I guess I was speaking English to the SATs because I got 1000 points.

Oh, and last night on cable I saw four boobs.

Wait. So the SATs are in? Donna, did you see your scores yet?

Yeah. This morning. I got 1230.

What? A 1230? That's great. Why didn't you say something?

Well, I didn't want to brag.

I mean, yeah, I kicked ass, but it's no big deal.

Eric. Eric, honey.

I got the mail and your SAT envelope happened to be open, and the letter just sort of slid into my hand, and I accidentally put on my reading glasses, and I saw your score.

You got an 800!

I got an 800? That's it?

"That's it"?

If 100 is an "A," eight of them is an A-plus-plus.

No. No, Mrs. Forman, an 800 is not good.

I mean, a pigeon can peck a better score than that.

Really? Donna did better. Fez did, too.

And his whole country's made of bamboo.

This is awkward.

I'll just...

I'll go home and take down the streamers.

Forman, the SATs prove nothing.

I mean, I got 950, and I don't even have any textbooks.

Or a locker.

Wait, wait. A 950?

Steven, I knew it. You do have potential.

Yeah. Imagine what I could do if I only applied myself.

Oh, well, guess we'll never know.

I just... I can't believe I got the lowest score here.

Oh, Eric, someone had to come in last.

There is no shame in that.

Well, there is a little shame.

Shame on you.

Hey.

You know, who cares what anyone got? It's just a stupid test.

You know what? You're right. I don't care.

I got 1030!

Yeah!

I did good on a test, man.

Something's happening to me. I'm blooming like a flower.

So the SATs proved it. Donna's the smart one.

Eric, on the other hand... Well, I don't wanna say there's a dumb one, but there's two, and he ain't the smart one.

That's where you're wrong, Bob.

Eric got an A-plus-plus.

Oh, um...

No.

See, Red, it turns out Eric still did very well.

It's just, some other people did better.

Donna? Yes.

Steven? Yes.

Not the foreign kid.

Yes.

Kelso?

Yes.

He did worse than Kelso?

I watched that kid glue his hand to his face.

You.

What happened on the SATs?

Okay, you know he's not good under pressure.

He can't pee in a public restroom because there's an audience.

You know what? This is a family thing.

I'll leave you to it.

What's wrong with you? I don't know. Maybe I'm not smart.

Who says you're not smart? You.

When? Always.

Your problem is you got your head up your ass.

Your father's afraid that you're spending a little too much time on a high school romance.

That's right. Donna gums up the works.

Whoa. It's not her fault, okay?

I was prepared for that test. I had three sharp pencils.

That's one more than recommended, by the way.

I remember sitting there, filling out the little bubbles...


Well, that was a blast. Sure was.

Now why don't you point yourself toward my villa and park this thing in my garage?

Oh, I'm planning on that, but what should I do with the car?

We better hurry. We only have five minutes.

Well, that's four more than I need, baby.

I repeat. There's only five minutes left in this section of the test.

Oh, my God. Donna does gum up the works.

See? Now use what little brains you've got and hit the books, dumb ass.

Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?

Reading.

I am reading.

'Cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?

Hi. Hey.

So I saw my dad in prison today.

Oh. How was it?

Well, at first it was a downer but then I realized that I'll be okay without my dad.

Because the SATs prove that there's another man who could take care of me.

You better be talking about Santa Claus.

No, Steven, I'm talking about you. Because you have potential.

He doesn't have potential. I have potential.

Like, I'm reading Moby Dick, and I'm not even halfway through and I can already tell you the ending. The whale is a robot.

Steven, just imagine what your life would be like with the love and support of a good woman.

Oh! Thank God for your strong SATs. Now we don't have to be poor.

Not poor, indeed.

Basic math and verbal skills are the ticket to great wealth and therefore great happiness.

Poor person! Bring me a fancy cocktail.

It is my privilege to wait on you, madam.

Oh, quite so, quite so.

All right, enough with the idle chatter. Go be poor.

Wait. Someone's playing the harp in the corner?

'Cause if I'm rich, I'm hiring, like, Jethro Tull.

Who cares? It's the same thing every time.

I'm a butler, I'm a bellhop, I'm a stable boy.

Well, I've had enough!

I will not wait on you people anymore. Got it?

Good.

Now who wants a Popsicle?

Wow. Here's something I did not know.

They number every page.

Hey. You guys. You know how Red's always telling me I need to buckle down?

Well, turns out he's right. I do have to buckle down.

You sure do. He's got an 800. There's your butler.

Man, how can I ever marry Donna?

I mean, I'm an idiot around her now, and we're only engaged.

What?

Oops.

You're engaged?

No.

How could you give her that ring?

You're in high school, man, and according to the SATs that's about as far as you're gonna go.

Look. Just don't tell Donna I told you, okay?

She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret.

Of course she wants it a secret.

"I'm marrying dumb guy." Who wants that spread around?

You know, maybe Eric's bad score is a blessing.

It'll be a good story when he's a senator.

Senator?

The word you're looking for is "janitor."

Okay, see? That's why Eric did so poorly on that test.

It's because you're too hard on him.

I have to be hard on him 'cause you always baby him.

Because you're so hard on him.

You babied him before I was hard on him.

You were hard on him when he was a baby.

Hey, I just found out, I can take the SATs again.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna take it again, and I'm gonna nail it.

I just gotta buckle down. I'm gonna kick a little SAT butt.

Attaboy! Good for you!

Think he'll do any better? Nah.

Yeah.

Hi. What are you doing?

Studying.

I'd love to hang out, but I've really gotta buckle down.

All right. Can I raid the fridge?

My dad wrote "Save for Bob" on all the food at our house.

Oops. I dropped the margarine.

Butterfingers.

It's so slippery I can barely get my fingers around it.

I gotta go.

Ground me. What?

I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.

You got it, pal.

You're grounded.

One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen.

I need you to get rid of her for me.

Do I have to be nice about it? No.

This is the happiest day of my life.

Hey. Hey, Steven. Great news.

I found a couple of savings bonds and I can cash them in to help you pay for college.

Jackie... You're going to college?

I am so happy!

You were an orphan, and we took you in, and now look at you.

I'm proud of you.

And that money that you've been paying in rent?

I put it in a bank account for college.

Or bail. But this is better.

Okay, enough.

Jackie, college is a waste of time, and I'm not going, okay?

So just butt the hell out. No. No, Steven, I won't butt out because you need to be pushed, and we need to think about our future.

Look. Even if we have a future, it's not gonna be what you wanted.

It's gonna be more like...

Steven, do you think I'm fat? I know you're fat.

Go get me a beer.

Oh, my God. Yeah. It ain't pretty.

Please tell me they won't be living in our basement.

Well, we'll be dead by then.

Oh, good.

You grounded yourself?

What? Why would I do that?

Well, apparently, I "gum up the works."

Oh, good. So someone filled you in.

Yeah. Red. When he kicked me out of your kitchen.

And then he locked the sliding door, and stood there laughing and waving.

Eric, why are you freaking out about this test?

I'm not. I'm gonna take it again, and I'm gonna nail it.

Anything less than a 1240 is unacceptable.

A 1240?

Hmm. That's 10 more points than I got.

Really? That's weird.

You're threatened because I got a better score than you.

I just... I have to do better than you. Why?

Because I'm the man, and the man's the man, and that's just the way it is.

What did you say?

I'm grounded. Dad, Donna's up here!

That's it. What's it?

This chapter just helped me figure out the answer to you and Donna's problem, vis-a-vis your crappy score.

"Vis-a-vis"?

It's a PBS word, Eric. Stay with me here.

Yeah, I liken your situation to that of Pavlov's dog.

You see, Pavlov was this science guy, and every time his dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.

Are you sure it was the dog who rang the bell?

Yeah. I mean, who else would it be?

Pavlov?

Well, that wouldn't be a trick, Eric. What man can't ring a bell?

Anyway, every time that dog would ring that bell, old Pavlov would eat, and then he would drool.

You just read that chapter two seconds ago.

Do you even want my help? No!

Your loss!

Okay. So what's wrong with you and Donna?

She did better than me on that test, and I'm sorry, but that is just not gonna fly, because I am the man, and the man's the man, and that's just the way it is.

Well, honey, everybody has different skills.

I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders.

And since we've been married, how many tests have I taken? None.

How many spiders has your father killed?

Hundreds.

But, Mom, spiders freak me out.

We all have different qualities.

But the thing to remember is how you do on some silly test is much less important than how you behave in real life.

I'll take a dummy over a jackass any day.

So am I a dummy or a jackass?

Well, honey, right now you're both.

Okay, Steven, about your vision of our future with you swilling beer and me being fat?

That's not gonna happen, because I'm not gonna be fat.

It's genetic.

That's true.

Her mother drinks two bottles of wine a day and she looks damn good.

No, I've seen her vacuum in her underwear.

So what's your point? My point is she's freaking hot.

Not you.

Steven, all I'm saying is that I've become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and if you would just live up to your potential...

I don't know why you're talking to 950 guy over there.

I got 1030. I got 80 more potential.

Yeah, but Steven has my heart.

Which is why I want him to be rich.

I mean, think about all the stuff you could buy for me.

Jackie, why don't you earn your own money and buy those things yourself?

Myself?

And I'm not like Forman. I have no problem mooching off your success.

You know, you leave the room, I steal some money from your purse.

You pretend I didn't, but we both know I did.

That's the future I see for us.

Oh, Steven, that's beautiful.

Oh, wait. So you don't even care that I did better than him?

Not really.

Well, if being smart isn't gonna help me impress the chicks then I want no part of it.

I'm gonna go back to coasting through life on my good looks.

Hey, and my brains will always be there, so if I ever need them, I'll just whip them out and use them like a secret emergency rocket pack.

That's a good plan, man. Hey, it beats the hell out of reading.

Okay, Donna, look. Don't worry, Eric.

I'm only reading the funnies.

Business section's for the man, right?

Donna, the thing is, I'm a jackass and I know it.

Well, I know it, too.

Look. Okay, the only reason I said what I said is, you agreed to marry me before the facts were in, right?

So now I'm thinking that maybe, you know, you might want to trade up.

That's so stupid.

Okay, I swear to God, if one more person calls me stupid today...

Eric.

Eric, my entire life, everywhere I've gone and everything I've done has been better because you were there with me.

And no test score is gonna change that.

Wow. That was amazing.

Did you come up with that yourself?

Well, I saw Mr. Ingalls say it to Mary on Little House on the Prairie.

I just made it a test score instead of blindness.

But I still think it's true.

So, you're still glad we're engaged?

Of course.

Good. Hey, speaking of Little House, did you ever see that one where Laura accidentally told Kelso, Hyde, Fez and Jackie that she was engaged to Donna?

Eric, are you kidding me?

God. You can't even keep a secret?

Hey, Donna, I got an 800. We're lucky I can wash myself, okay?

Poor person! Where's my drink?

Where's your drink? What about my drink?

Next time you ask where your drink is, it will be in your ass.

It's so hard to get good poor people these days.