That '70s Show S5E11 Script

The Girl I Love (2003)

Why would Sports Illustrated even publish an issue that's not a swimsuit issue?

You know who should do a swimsuit issue? Playboy.

Why would you put clothes on a centrefold?

Sometimes I get tired of all the complete nakedness and I like to be teased a little.

Yeah, there's a lot more going on up here than you know about.

I think there's some stuff going on in there that you don't know about.

You guys should have come to the arboretum with us.

We saw plants and trees from all over the world.

There was a bush from Morocco.

Smelled like chocolate chip cookies.

Ah, that is the perfect bush.

Thanks for taking me to the arboretum. It was really fun.

Yeah, what a great day.

What a horrible day!

I don't mind looking at some trees, okay?

But when they put little signs on them with little Latin names, it makes me want to harm myself.

So the missus took you out for some girl fun, huh?

See, Donna is hot, but she is mean.

My girlfriend Nina? Just hot.

You know, Fez, you talk a lot about this Nina chick, but none of us have ever seen her.

Yeah, we're actually starting to suspect that she's some creepy alter ego you visit late at night in front of the mirror.

Oh, no, I don't do that anymore.

But Nina is the real deal. Kelso saw her at the DMV.

There were a lot of girls there.

She could have been the one with the lazy eye that does the vision test.

Lazy-eye Lizzie? No way. She wouldn't even look at me.

Nina, my friends don't believe me that you're my girlfriend, even though I frenched you.

Girlfriend? I don't know if we're there yet.

I mean, I like you and all, it's just that all the guys at the DMV seem great until you find them in your apartment wearing your hot curlers.


I want to get to know you better, meet your friends, make sure they're not puppets.


So, if they are not puppets, then would you be my girlfriend?

Mmm, it would definitely help.

Are these lines open or not?

Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.

That was very unprofessional.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street

j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

So, we're finally gonna meet the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina.

Fictional? Does this hickey look fictional?

Huh, looks too small to be from the vacuum cleaner, like last time.

Wait, let me see.

Small, blotchy and uneven. Ah, this girl's an amateur.

Let me see. Small, blotchy and unpleasant. Yeah, this girl's a Jackie.

Well, Fez, I am thrilled that you found a girl

'cause I was starting to worry.

But you've proven me and the experts from Reader's Digest wrong!

When I introduce her to everybody, I just want it to be special.

Oh! Let's have a formal dinner party tomorrow.

You know, it was at a dinner party that I first realised Red Forman was more than just a boy with great hair.

Sounds good, Miss Kitty.

You might be a little past your prime, but your mind is still sharp.

Oh, actually tomorrow night's not gonna work.

I thought we might go see Laser Floyd.

Well, you tell this fellow Floyd that you have a dinner party.

No, Mom, Laser Floyd's not a guy.

Laser Floyd is Pink Floyd music with lasers.

Lasers, like in Star Wars.

Mrs. Forman, we'll be here.

Wait. You'd rather go to a formal dinner party?

Sure. Sounds great.

And don't forget, Mrs. Forman, you can count Steven and me in.

Yeah, I've been looking for an excuse to buy him a shirt with buttons.

And since it's a special occasion, you're all allowed one sip of wine.

Great! It'll be like Communion, but without the fun of church.

So, Steven, you know, I was thinking of getting you a pair of beige corduroys and maybe a blue blazer for the party.

Oh, don't forget the matching scarf and gloves.

This way, I'll be nice and toasty when hell freezes over.

Uh-oh, Jackie. Looks like Steven doesn't wanna wear his big-boy clothes.

No, I just don't wanna go.

You know, you should have asked me before you said I would.

Steven! I am your girlfriend. I speak for you now!

Well, then, tell yourself I said to bite me, 'cause I'm not going.

Oh, you are so going! So just bite yourself!

Man, do you believe that crap?

Tell me about it.

Donna wants to go to a dinner party, we go to a dinner party.

If she wants to go to the arboretum, bang, I'm in a room full of trees.

God, I hate trees.

So tall and arrogant.

So why don't you just not go?

Oh, it's just one day.

Not for you, man. You're engaged.

It's Latin for "screwed for life."

Oh, my God, you're right.

And I have no choice. I have to do what she says or she won't let me touch her naughty places.

Hyde, this is extortion!

You're telling me?

I'm being shaken down by a 95-pound brunette with pink toenails.

Kitty? I know this change of life has upset you but we just bought wine the other day.

What are you doing, brushing your teeth with the stuff?

Red, it's not for me.

Well, this one is.

We're having a dinner party tomorrow night.

No, can't do it. Battle of the Network Stars is on.

See, once a year, they make TV stars compete at things they're not good at.

I look forward all season to watching Ed Asner try to paddle a canoe.

Makes me feel superior.

Well, you shouldn't feel superior, because you know what I know about Ed Asner?

Ed Asner would come to my dinner party, 'cause he knows how to treat a woman.

Did you say "dinner party"?

See, I thought you... Oh, screw it, I'll be there.

What's this about a party?

Oh, well, we're having a party tomorrow night for Fez and Nina.

I invited all the kids.

I'm a kid.

Well, it's for couples only. You can come if you bring a date.

Well, it's too late to find a date. I mean...

Yeah, I'm sweet looking, but I'm no miracle worker.

Well, maybe if you stop jumping from girl to girl, you wouldn't be alone.

You're no Frank Sinatra, you know!

You know, you used to be nice, but you've changed, lady!

Guys, I really want Nina to like me, so, please, avoid the following topics,

my addiction to candy,

the fact that I have needs,

and my use of Alberto VO5 Hot Oil Treatment.

Wait. Fez, what does she care what you use on your hair?

Oh, I do not use it on my hair.

Well, heard about your secret couples party.

And I'm glad I'm not going, 'cause I hate parties.

Hey, man, I'm only going 'cause Donna's making me.

At this rate, the only way I'll see Laser Floyd is if they project it on a leaf canopy at the arboretum.

So, don't go to the party. Act tough, Forman.

I'm not tough.

That's why I said "act."

No one's making me go, that's for sure.

Oh, that is it, Steven. As your girlfriend, I am ordering you to go to this party.

And as your boyfriend, I'm ordering you to take your bossy mouth and flap it elsewhere.

If you flap it at me, I'll go with you.

Do you hear that, Steven? Michael wants to go to the party with me.

I'm not going to the party.


Michael, I would love to go to the party with you.

Kick-ass! I love parties!

Okay, now. These are called after-dinner conversation cards.

Let's try one.

"If you were a bird, where would you fly?" Donna?

Um... South?

I don't know. I'm nervous. I feel like I'm on Jeopardy!

If I were a bird, I'd fly to Laser Floyd.

I'd fly to Tahiti, 'cause the girls there don't wear tops!

Wait, but then I'd want to change back into myself because no lady wants to make it with a bird.

Wait, can I be a monkey?



I'd fly to my favourite place, the DMV.

I was just going to say that.

Red, we haven't heard a peep out of you.

If I was a bird, I'd fly into a ceiling fan.

Steven, you came, just like I thought you would.

You buckled!

No, I got hungry.

You're in my seat.

Damn, Hyde, now everyone knows it's a clip-on!

Since you two work at the DMV, how about you make this parking ticket disappear?

We can't fix this. You parked in a fire lane.

Oh, Nina, please.

We're his guests. I'll take care of it, little buddy.

No, Fez, he broke the law.

Broke the law?

I was just getting some milk.

But what if there was a fire?

Then I'd pour my milk on it.


Okay, let's try another card.

"If you could be anyone's shoe, whose shoe would you be?"

I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe, 'cause I think it's about to go in someone's ass.

That's it! I'm watching Battle of the Network Stars.

I'm with you. Have fun with Mr. Clip-on.

Yeah, you know what? Me, too.

Wait, you're leaving?

There are lasers going off right now!

Perfectly synchronised lasers!

And all of a sudden, you're like Lady Dinner Roll, shaking me down with her naughty places!

I'm going, too.

Apparently we can eat a man's food, but we cannot fix his ticket!

Well, what happened to my dinner party?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman, but Marilu Henner only gets on the trampoline once a year and I'm not gonna miss it.

Where the hell does Eric get off acting like I make him do stuff?

I mean, it's not like I wanted us to come to this dinner party either.

I only did because, well, you're all menopausey now and you scare me!

Right, you came for me.

Just like I slaved over a pot roast for all of you.

You want a definition of hell?

Try opening a 400-degree oven while you're having a hot flash.

We're all here for someone else.

And you know why? It's right there in front of us, girls.

Women are giving.

I'm not giving!

I'm here for me.

Steven is the one who should think about others.

I mean, how could he just ditch me?

Well, Jackie, it might have something to do with you trying to boss him around and then showing up with Kelso.

She's right.

I know she's right.

But you're not a part of the group, and I don't like you, so zip it!

Man, look at you guys, all forced to hide in the basement because of your women.

Hey, I'm not hiding from anyone.

I finally set Donna straight.

Alls you did was babble about lasers and naughty places.

Man, I thought you were having a stroke.

Whatever, man. You caved just like Jackie wanted.

I didn't cave.

Just wanted to make sure Don Juan el Tardo here kept his hands off her.

Then how do you explain the necktie?

I just came from a business meeting.

At least he's putting up a fight. You just gave up.

Like France.

Oh, get off his back, little buddy. You were at the party, too.

Hey, I fought the good fight for 30 years.

Now I just agree with what Kitty wants to do, so I can go to sleep.

And I'm not your "little buddy."

Yeah, you're all doomed. That's funny.

No, we're not all doomed.

One man here still has a chance.

One man can take a stand for all of us.

And that man's name is...

Well, we can't pronounce his real name, so we call him Fez!

I don't want to take a stand, I just want Nina to be my girlfriend and give me nooky!

Fez, come on. Give it a try!

It'll be like Battle of the Network Stars. Think about it.

Welcome back to the Battle of the Gender Stars, where it's the gals with 50 points!

And the guys with zero.

But the guys still have a chance

'cause our final event is conveniently worth 51 points.

You guys are pathetic!

Wow, that's some tough talk, Jamie Farr.

I'm switching to the gals' team.

I can do that, because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.

Okay, now let's meet our contestants.

Representing the gals, the lovely Nina!

And representing the guys, the lovely Fez!

Fighters, go!

Make that tart eat some mud!

Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're going antiquing all weekend!

Oh, like hell we are.

I hate antiquing. Let's do this thing!

That's right. Gentlemen, let's go get our cojones back!

I gotta see this.

Hey, man, you coming?

No, I still have my cojones.

My lonely, lonely cojones.

Oh, look who it is. You bake a brownie, and the bastards come running.

I'm afraid your brownies are powerless now.

Fez has something to say. Fez?

Can I have a brownie?


Right, right, right, right.

Nina, I insist you take care of Red's ticket because I am in charge.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.


Man, what the hell?

I have needs.

Nina, if I do everything you want, would you be my girlfriend?

Can't say no to that!

I cannot believe it!

I have a girlfriend!

So when do we do it?

I am not speaking to you.

Well, at least it'll be quiet enough to go to sleep.

Okay, Donna, when we came up here, Fez was supposed to... Donna?

Oh, crap.

Hey, Steven, look.

Remember how you said that I was bossy? Well, I think you were right.

So, from now on, if I want you to do something, I'll ask first.

Well, I just... Wait, shh, I'm talking!

I am so sorry. There I go again.

Okay, here's what I wanted to say.

Would you like to go with me to the Girl Scout Alumni Pancake Breakfast?

Jackie, I'd rather put on a dress and slow dance with Kelso on Soul Train.

But since you asked nicely, I'll go.

Yay! Oh, Steven, don't forget to bring a spatula because I signed you up as a flipper.

Hey, the flipper better be the guy who judges the Alumni Bikini Contest!

It's not.


Wait, let me guess.

Laser Floyd, Laser Floyd, arboretum, dinner roll, Laser Floyd.

Okay, listen. No, you listen.

I don't know what's wrong with you, if it's genetic, or if you took a pill from your mother's cabinet.

But I'm through doing stuff for you, because you don't appreciate it.

Whoa, whoa, wait. You're doing stuff for me?

Yeah! I went to that dinner party to make your mother happy, and I went to the arboretum because you wanted to.

I wanted to? All I said was, "Look, the arboretum."

Well, it sounded like you wanted to go.

I hate trees!

I mean, "Ooh, show me trees!" Does that sound like me?

No. Look, I'm sorry.

I just... I thought you were gonna make me do girlie crap for the rest of my life.

Eric, come on. You know me way better than that.

Yeah, you're right.

So, would you like to go see Laser Floyd next weekend?

Oh, we can't. I signed us up for this class, Quilting for Couples.

I'm kidding!

It's just for men.

And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is Red Forman!

My team!

Thanks, Jamie Farr.

And I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner.

Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl.

Where's your spunk now, you big pansy?