That '70s Show S5E12 Script

Misty Mountain Hop (2003)

j&j&

HERE YOU GO, RED.

BELGIAN WAFFLES. WHAT'S BELGIAN ABOUT 'EM?

THEY CRUMBLE AT THE HANDS OF THE NAZIS.

THIS BACON IS SO AMAZING.

IT MAKES ME REGRET CALLING GIRLS PIGS ALL MY LIFE.

WHY IS THE LOUD ONE EATING MY BREAKFAST?

WELL, HER FATHER'S IN PRISON, AND HER MOTHER'S IN MEXICO.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT I DON'T GET ABOUT YOUR DAD.

IF YOU'RE ARRESTED FOR BRIBERY, CAN'T YOU JUST BRIBE YOUR WAY OUT?

I MEAN, YOU'RE A BRIBER.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

MY DAD IS BROKE.

I MEAN, IN FACT, THE BANK FORECLOSED ON OUR SKI CABIN.

EVERYTHING'S GOTTA BE MOVED OUT THIS WEEKEND.

AND IT'S ALL UP TO ME.

AND I'M JUST SO VERY SMALL.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO HELP, BUT...

NOT AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE NOT TO.

TOO LATE. I ALREADY PACKED AN OVERNIGHT BAG.

KITTY, WHY IS IT WE ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO AND NEVER DO WHAT I WANNA DO?

IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

HA HA HA HA.

WELL, HAVE A FUN WEEKEND, POPS.

OH, YOU'RE COMING, TOO, PAL, AND THERE'S GONNA BE HEAVY LIFTING.

YOU BETTER BRING DONNA.

JACKIE, WHY CAN'T HYDE HELP?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.

I GUESS THAT'S PUNISHMENT ENOUGH.

NO. I'VE BEEN WITH STEVEN LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THE BEST WAY TO KEEP OUR RELATIONSHIP GOING SMOOTHLY IS BY NEVER ASKING HIM TO DO STUFF.

SO INSTEAD I TOLD HIM I'D BE OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEKEND FOR A BIG DOLL EXPO.

OH, THERE'S A DOLL EXPO?

MAN, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR JUNGLE-FIGHTING G.I. JOE.

HE'S GOT VINE GRIP AND POISON DARTS.

POISON NOT INCLUDED.

I LEFT MINE OUT IN THE RAIN.

HE GOT JUNGLE ROT.

I HAD TO AMPUTATE HIS FOOT.

HEY, SO YOU GOT PLANS THIS WEEKEND?

YES, I DO.

NO, YOU DON'T. NO, I DON'T.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD, 'CAUSE JACKIE'S AT A DOLL EXPO, SO I'M THINKING YOU, ME AND KELSO SNEAK UP TO HER CABIN, DRINK BEER TILL WE ALL LOOK PRETTY.

GREAT. LET ME GET RID OF THIS CUSTOMER.

NEXT!

READ THE TOP LETTER, PLEASE.

IT'S AN "E." NO!

FAIL. MOVE ALONG.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN? THAT'S AN "E."

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE.

READ THE TOP LETTER, PLEASE.

"E."

NO! DOUBLE FAIL!

DOUBLE FAIL? YOU MADE THAT UP.

THIS, MY BLIND FRIEND, IS A CAPITAL "E."

THE DOUBLE FAIL STANDS!

HEY, WAIT A SECOND.

AREN'T YOU THE GUY THAT GOT CAUGHT IN THE SCHOOL SHOWER WITH THE LOTION AND THE "PLAYBOY"?

PASS, PASS. DOUBLE PASS!

j&j&

NOW STAY WITH ME.

YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT ON YOUR BUMPER.

DON'T TAILGATE.

I'LL KEEP A SAFE DISTANCE.

DON'T LOLLYGAG.

WHAT DO I EVEN SAY?

JUST SMILE AND NOD.

DON'T SMILE AND NOD. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

YOU KNOW, I'M KIND OF EXCITED ABOUT THIS ROAD TRIP.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOOLING AROUND AT SOMEPLACE NEW AND DIFFERENT.

YOU AND ME ALONE IN A CAR ON A COUNTRY ROAD AFTER DARK?

YEAH, AND, HEY, IF I DON'T GET LUCKY WITH YOU, WE'RE BOUND TO RUN INTO A FARMER'S DAUGHTER.

HMM.

THIS IS GREAT.

NO BROADS, JUST US GUYS.

WE CAN REALLY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

FEZ, YOU TRY AND LURE ME IN THE HOT TUB, AND I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.

I'M JUST SAYING WE'RE ALL SO TENSE.

WELL, WE WON'T BE FOR LONG.

LAST TIME I WAS HERE, I HID A STASH.

JUST GOTTA REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT.

I KNOW IT'S SOMEPLACE I COULD FIT MY HAND.

WELL, THAT RULES OUT YOUR FACE.

WHAT?

UHH!

j&j&

AM I DISTRACTING YOU, MY BIG, STRONG DRIVER MAN?

NOT AT ALL, MY LONELY HITCHHIKER.

WELL, HOW DID YOU GET YOUR FOOT ALL THE WAY OVER HERE?

YOU CAN THANK MY DAD FOR THE BALLET LESSONS.

I WILL BE SURE TO SEND HIM A FRUIT BASKET.

WAIT A SECOND.

DONNA, WHEN DID THAT U-HAUL WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING TURN INTO AN ICE CREAM TRUCK?

OH. OH, MAN. WE LOST RED.

NO WAY. WE CAN'T BE THAT FAR OFF TRAIL.

LET'S LOOK AT JACKIE'S DIRECTIONS.

OKAY, "I-43 TO HIGHWAY 60.

"HEAD EAST WHEN IT GETS DIFFERENT."

WHEN IT GETS DIFFERENT? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

WAIT. LET ME SEE THAT.

"GO A WAYS PAST THE... FANCY THING, "AND TURN LEFT AT THE UGLY HOUSE."

OH, WELL, IF THE FANCY THING'S A DEAD COW, THEN WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

HEY, KELSO, YOU FIND THE STASH YET?

NO, THERE'S NOTHING IN THE KITCHEN I CAN FIT MY HAND IN, YOU KNOW, EXCEPT FOR THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

AAH!

WELL, I'M GOING TO THE CORNER TO BUY SOME BEER.

DO NOT GET IN THE HOT TUB WITHOUT ME.

MAN, IT'S LIKE...

THAT STASH IS PROBABLY STARING ME RIGHT IN THE FACE.

OH! AHH!

YEAH, IT WASN'T SOMEPLACE I COULD FIT MY HAND.

IT WAS SOMEPLACE THAT COULD EAT MY HAND.

HA HA.

HEY, THERE'S A TRUCK PULLING UP TO THE CABIN.

OH, IT'S RED!

IS IT A FIRE TRUCK?

THE TRUCK'S NOT RED. THE GUY IS RED.

MAN, IT'S RED FORMAN.

NOT IT.

NO, I SAID NOT IT!

IF PLAYGROUND RULES AREN'T IN EFFECT, THIS IS ANARCHY.

OKAY, JACKIE'S DIRECTIONS SAY, "PASS THE PLACE I BOUGHT A GREEN SWEATER.

"DON'T STOP. THE COTTON HAS POLYESTER IN IT."

THIS IS GREAT. WE'RE LOST.

NO, WE'RE NOT LOST.

WE JUST NEED TO FIND OUR BEARINGS.

WHERE WOULD YOU GO AROUND HERE TO FIND A GREEN SWEATER?

WHY, THE GREEN SWEATER STORE, DONNA. GOOD THINKING.

HEY, WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR URGES.

IF YOU'D HAVE KEPT YOUR BIG FOOT OUT OF MY BEANBAGS, WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS.

WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR READING "COSMO"

AND TRYING A LITTLE SOMETHING.

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GETTING THE TOPLESS NACHOS NOW, YOU'RE CRAZY.

WHATEVER.

OH, MAN. NOW I'M HUNGRY. I WANT MY TWINKIE.

YOU PACKED TWINKIES?

I PACKED A TWINKIE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT, AND IT'S MINE.

WHOEVER PACKED IT SNACKED IT.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO IT ALL DAY.

OH, YOU HAVE?

THAT'S NICE. THAT'S VERY LADYLIKE.

YEAH, YEAH.

JACKIE AND THE FORMANS ARE HERE, AND WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

AND THIS IS ILLEGAL. WE'RE BUSTED.

NO, YOU'RE BUSTED. I'M OUT THE BATHROOM WINDOW.

GET OFF OF ME!

WELCOME TO THE CABIN!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YES!

WELL, YOU SCARED ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROBBER.

NOW I REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YEAH, THERE'S NO WINDOW IN THERE.

STEVEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?

OH, MY GOD. YOU HEARD ABOUT THE FORECLOSURE, AND YOU KNEW I LIED ABOUT THE DOLL EXPO, SO YOU CAME UP HERE TO HELP ME MOVE MY STUFF!

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID.

AND YOU FOUND ME OUT.

OH, STEVEN, I COMPLETELY MISJUDGED YOU.

I MEAN, SOMEHOW YOU'VE BECOME THE BOYFRIEND I ALWAYS HOPED YOU COULD BE.

AND SHAME ON YOU FOR DOUBTING ME.

HEY, I GOT BEER AND PIXIE STICKS. LET'S PARTY.

HEY, WE SAID NO BROADS!

j&j&

WHY DO YOU NEED ALCOHOL?

IS THAT BEER REALLY GONNA MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER?

NOT IF YOU DON'T LET US DRINK IT.

SHUT IT.

NOW LET'S CLEAR THIS PLACE OUT.

IF WE HURRY, I DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP HERE.

I HATE NATURE.

OH, GOD, STEVEN, YOU KNOW WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT BEING A COUPLE IS ALL ABOUT.

WELL, WHAT IS BEING A COUPLE?

IT'S ALL ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE, YIN AND YANG.

IT'S A PHILOSOPHICAL PARADOX, LIKE A TREE FALLING IN THE FOREST WITH NO ONE AROUND TO HEAR IT.

DOES IT MAKE A NOISE? WHO'S TO SAY?

OKAY, YOU'RE JUST CONFUSING ME.

YOU SEE? IT'S MURKY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M UP AGAINST.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

WHO'S TO SAY WHAT CRAP IS?

HERE, PULL MY VASE.

OH, I KNOW THIS ONE. NO, THANK YOU.

NO! MAN, IT'S STUCK.

I PUT THE STASH IN HERE, AND NOW I CAN'T GET MY HAND OUT.

OH. I CAN HELP.

OH, DAMN. I GUESS I LEFT MY BABY OIL IN THE OTHER PANTS.

THIS VASE SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE.

REALLY?

AAH!

YOU CAN'T SEE IT, BUT I'M FLIPPING YOU OFF RIGHT NOW.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, JUST A CLASSIC CASE OF HAND STUCK IN VASE.

WELL, GET IT OFF, OR YOU'LL HAVE A CLASSIC CASE OF FOOT STUCK IN ASS.

HEY, WHAT'S THE TEENY WRITING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE VASE SAY?

WHAT TEENY WRITING? AAH!

STOP DOING THAT!

GET SMARTER! j&j&

STEVEN, WOULD YOU BE CAREFUL?

THAT'S MY TROPHY FOR PRETTIEST BALLERINA.

OH. BUT THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT STUFF THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIED AND SAID YOU WERE GOING TO A DOLL EXPO.

YOU SHOULD'VE JUST TOLD ME WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU.

NO, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU, OKAY?

YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW.

SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO MAGICALLY KNOW THAT "I'M GOING TO A DOLL EXPO" IS JACKIE-SPEAK FOR "MY PARENTS' CABIN IS BEING FORECLOSED ON

"AND I NEED HELP CLEANING IT OUT"?

YES.

STEVEN, MY FAMILY IS FALLING APART, AND YOU'VE NEVER, EVER EVEN ASKED ABOUT IT!

IF YOU CARED, YOU'D FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME AND FIND A WAY TO HELP.

JACKIE, THAT'S CRAZY.

THE ONLY TIME PEOPLE I KNOW FIND A WAY TO HELP IS WHEN THEY'RE CUTTING A DEAL WITH THE D.A.

WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU'RE DRIVING HER BACK.

SHE TALKED SO MUCH ON THE WAY HERE, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO STRAP HER TO THE HOOD OF THE VAN LIKE A DEER.

BOY, JACKIE LOOKS MAD.

YEAH, I CHEATED ON HER LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES, AND SHE NEVER LOOKED THAT PISSED.

COME ON, KELSO, GRAB THAT END OF THE COUCH.

I'VE HAD IT WITH THAT VASE. I'M GETTING A HAMMER.

COME ON.

WHY WON'T THIS THING COME OFF?!

LIKE, MY HAND WOULDN'T BE SO BIG IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO HOLD THIS STUPID BAG.

YOU'RE HOLDING THE BAG?

JUST LET GO, YOU MORON.

FINE.

WOW, IT'S LIKE THE WORLD'S COOLEST PIŅATA.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

STEVEN...

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

THE PACKERS WIN IN NEXT YEAR'S SUPER BOWL, THAT'S WHAT'S IN THE BAG!

IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?

IF YOU MEAN PAPRIKA, YES, SIR!

HONEY...

HONEY, PAPRIKA IS RED.

IF YOU MEAN GREEN PAPRIKA, YES, SIR!

GREEN PAPRIKA?

HYDE, WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR HERE?

OREGANO.

IF YOU MEAN OREGANO, YES, SIR!

DID JACKIE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DAVIS STREET?

NOT UNLESS IT'S

"THE STREET WHERE I DROPPED MY GUM THAT TIME."

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. WE'RE GOING HOME.

AND, DONNA, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOUR URGES.

I LOVE YOUR URGES.

THEY'VE BEEN... VERY GOOD TO ME.

WELL... THANKS.

THEY DO WHAT THEY CAN.

UM...

I'M WAITING FOR MY APOLOGY.

FOR WHAT?

FOR THAT TWINKIE YOU INHALED.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

OKAY, I'M SORRY I ATE YOUR TWINKIE.

YOU ROLLED YOUR EYES.

IT DOESN'T COUNT IF YOU ROLL YOUR EYES.

OKAY. I'M SORRY I ATE YOUR TWINKIE.

YOU ROLLED YOUR EYES AGAIN!

IT WAS JUST A STUPID TWINKIE!

IT'S MY TWINKIE, DONNA!

IT WAS MY TWINKIE.

DO YOU IDIOTS REALIZE HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'RE IN?

HOW COULD THAT BATHROOM NOT HAVE A WINDOW?

WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, APPARENTLY, HYDE HAD A STASH THAT NONE OF US KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT.

ESPECIALLY ME.

BUT I THINK FEZ KNEW, TOO.

THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT, FINE.

YOU HAVE TO SLEEP SOMETIME.

OKAY, SHUT IT.

I'M CALLING YOUR PARENTS.

I'M CALLING IMMIGRATION.

AND YOU.

I WARNED YOU ONCE ABOUT THIS CRAP.

NOW I HAVE NO CHOICE.

YOU'RE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

NO, WAIT. LOOK, THAT STASH WASN'T HIS. IT WAS MINE.

JACKIE... LET ME TALK.

YEAH, HYDE, LET HER TALK.

OKAY, LOOK, IT'S JUST...

OKAY, I'VE BEEN HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME SINCE MY DAD'S BEEN IN JAIL THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR ANYTHING THAT JUST MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

MRS. FORMAN, IT'S LIKE YOU WITH YOUR MENOPAUSE AND ALL THAT WINE YOU'RE ALWAYS DRINKIN'.

WELL...

YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.

NOW, STEVEN, YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW.

IS THIS YOURS OR NOT?

MRS. FORMAN, I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. IT'S NOT MINE.

OKAY. FINE.

WELL, I DON'T CARE WHOSE IT IS. I'M THROWING IT IN THE LAKE.

I PAID 20 BUCKS FOR THAT.

YOU GOT MY PARENTS' NUMBER.

THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO SELL ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

SO I SNUCK UP HERE BEHIND YOUR BACK, WE HAVE A HUGE FIGHT, AND THEN YOU DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME.

IT'S LIKE WHEN THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, BUT ALL THE LITTLE WHOS SANG ANYWAY.

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST WHAT PEOPLE DO FOR THE PEOPLE THEY CARE ABOUT.

NOBODY I EVER KNEW.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU WERE POOR, AND POOR PEOPLE ARE BAD.

BUT... LOOK, IT'S LIKE WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT BEFORE.

I SENSED YOU WERE IN TROUBLE, AND I LOOKED FOR A WAY TO HELP YOU WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO ASK ME.

JACKIE, TO BE FAIR, YOU HEARD RED SAY, "HYDE, YOU'RE OUT OF THE HOUSE,"

NOT "HYDE, YOU'RE GOING TO A DOLL EXPO."

WELL, ANYWAY, THANK YOU.

OH, SO YOU CAN YOU HELP ME MOVE THE MIRROR IN THE BATHROOM?

WHAT MIRROR?

THE ONE COVERING UP THE WINDOW.

WELL, THAT WAS A GREAT TRIP.

YEAH, CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN.

OKAY, OKAY.

DONNA, I THINK I MAY HAVE OVERREACTED A LITTLE BIT.

I MEAN, THERE ARE PLENTY OF TWINKIES IN THE WORLD.

I MEAN, SURE, THERE WAS ONLY ONE IN THE CAR, AND YOU DID GO GODZILLA ON IT.

BUT...

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

WELL, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, IT DIDN'T TASTE VERY GOOD.

I THINK IT WAS A KNOCKOFF.

YEAH, MY MOM BUYS TWONKIES.

LOOK, DONNA, WE HAD A GOAL AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS TRIP.

WE WERE GONNA BE ROMANTIC IN SOMEPLACE NEW AND DIFFERENT, AND I AM A MAN WHO LIKES TO FINISH WHAT HE STARTED.

SO MAY I SUGGEST...

ON MY KITCHEN TABLE?

YOU KNOW WHAT? OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, YOUR PARENTS WON'T BE HOME UNTIL TOMORROW.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE GOING FOR THIS?

OKAY. OKAY.

GREAT.

WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT TWONKIE?

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT KID?

FIRST, HE DOESN'T SHOW UP, THEN HE BLOCKS THE DRIVEWAY.

WELL, I WILL JUST BE HAPPY TO GET BACK IN OUR NICE, QUIET HOUSE.

OH, MY GOD!

ALL RIGHT! IT'S DONNA'S BUTT!

DAMN IT! THAT'S WHERE I EAT DINNER!

SCRUB, DAMN IT!

I AM SCRUBBING AS HARD AS I CAN.

THIS CLEANSER ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH.

KITTY, IT'S BLEACH AND LIGHTER FLUID.

THERE IS NOTHING STRONGER.

WELL, IT IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH!

NOPE, NO GOOD. WE NEED A NEW TABLE.