That '70s Show S5E14 Script

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (2003)

Okay, let me get this straight.

After my grandpa's funeral, Kelso and Annette are making out.

Jackie sees them and yells, "Get off my boyfriend"?

Right in front of you?

Yeah, it brought the whole funeral way down.

Hyde, that's horrible, man.

You know what's even worse? I totally missed it.

Yeah? Well, nobody else missed it.

Half the freaking town was there.

Man, today at The Hub, you know that kid Jimmy with the headgear?

He said he felt bad for me.

Jimmy Headgear felt bad for me!

I knew it was a mistake hooking up with Jackie and I did it anyway.

You know why? 'Cause she makes you stupid.

I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before her.

Hyde. Man, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, 'cause what Jackie did to you was embarrassing.

I mean, you must be so embarrassed.

I told a lot of people what happened and they all agreed that it was just really embarrassing.

Kelso, now is not the time.

No, I just wanna buck our boy up, 'cause what happened to him was so embarrassing!

That's it. I'm gonna kick your ass. Forman, hold my...

Whoa, whoa! Okay, you know what? Why don't we go upstairs?

We got that new J.C. Penney catalog.

There's a full-color section on bras.

Word has it the airbrush guy totally missed a nipple.

I don't know why he's so mad. I was just being sensitive!

Well, be sensitive to me because I'm upset, too.

If you expect me to go to the Valentine's dance tonight, you're gonna have to do a few things for me.

For you, or to you?

Shut up! One. You will not speak to Jackie.

Two. You will not speak to girls who have brown hair like Jackie.

Three. You will not speak to Jackie.

Wait.

I got messed up.

Yeah, baby, whatever you want. Just...

Man, it's great being under someone's thumb again!

What did your mother do to you?

Man, I just feel bad for Hyde.

I mean, Annette wants me. Jackie wants me.

I mean, my good looks are ruining people's lives.

Well, Hyde seems pretty mad.

Whatever, man, I'm not afraid of him.

He got away!

Help me!

So, have you talked to Hyde about the whole "Get off my boyfriend" disaster?

No. And why is everyone making such a big deal about it?

It's like every time I walk into a room, people look at me funny.

Donna, how do you deal with it?

Jackie, the reason people are making a big deal about it is because it sounds like you still have feelings for Kelso.

Well, I don't.

I think the only reason I said it was because I was having an allergic reaction to the Formans' cheap generic soda.

Oh, no! A giant redhead!

Please don't crush me! Please!

Fez, would you stop screwing around?

Now, did you finish the balloon walkway of love yet?

You bet I did.

When Nina sees it, she's gonna be so impressed, her balloons will become my walkway of love, if you know what I mean.

Fez, that's disgusting.

Oh, no, the giant's angry!

Run for your lives! Run! Run!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Mrs. Forman, this chili is great.

Thanks.

Daddy used to love my chili. Remember, Mom?

I remember it gave him the toots.

Well, that's a nice place to start the reminiscing.

So, Eric, are you excited about your big Valentine's dance?

Yeah. I'm just glad it's in the gym.

There's nothing like celebrating the most romantic night of your life in the room where I got my first wedgie.

It meant I liked you, Eric.

If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about my father.

Well, Kitty, we can dwell on what was, or we can talk about what is.

If I've learned anything from losing my Burtie Bear, it's that all that really matters is making sure that the people we love know we love them.

Mom, that was wonderful.

I mean it.

Eric, I love you.

Oh. Well, thanks, Grandma.

Kitty...

I think I'll go for a walk.

Well, this was fun.

I'm gonna go to bed for a few days.

Oh, no.

She hasn't done this since Elvis died on the crapper.

Now I've gotta sit by her bed for four days and tell her that she's beautiful.

It's hard to say that to a cold-cream-smeared loony in bunny slippers.

I remember that week. The shades were drawn.

The food supply ran low.

We were sucking on bouillon cubes just to stay alive.

Yeah, but did you hear what your grandma said about love being the only thing that matters?

Eric, we should tell her that we're engaged.

What?

Well, she could be the one person who'd be happy for us.

We're gonna need someone on our side when we tell our families.

Yeah. And you know what?

Even if she's not on our side, the minute Grandma thinks it's a bad idea, my mom will be booking the big room at the Holiday Inn just out of spite.

So, it's a win-win. Yeah.

We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do.

Use the dark side to our advantage.

Eric, if we're gonna be married, you've really gotta ease up on the Star Wars stuff.

All right? It doesn't apply to everything.

I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.

My favorite song?

The Most Beautiful Girl In The World.

The light I look best in?

It's a tie between 20-watt, soft-pink bulbs and mid-summer sunset.

Very good, Michael.

God, I missed this.

Oh, hey. Have you guys seen Steven?

I hear a weird, piercing noise, but I don't know where it's coming from.

Do you hear anything, Michael?

Yeah, it's just Jackie.

Jackie, I'm sorry you have to see me in this T-shirt.

I know how it emphasizes my hunkalicious bod.

Shut up, Michael, okay? I made a stupid slip. It meant nothing.

Right, because Michael is my boyfriend.

I know he is, skankwad.

Oh, I'm a skankwad?

Girl fight! Let's get it on!

We are not gonna fight.

Well, maybe you should kiss and make up.

Let's get it on!

What? What? Wait.

Ah, I'll go with the blonde.

Kitty, I'm just going to the corner to get you some soup.

I'm not leaving you for somebody younger and less dramatic.

This is your fault.

If I wanna get my wife out of bed, I gotta tie a rope around her and attach it to my bumper and pull her out like a stump.

So, what were you saying, dear?

Well, I was saying that I'm getting married.

Oh, honey, how wonderful!

So, who's the lucky girl?

Well...

Donna. Oh.

Well, I guess this is a small town.

Okay, what the hell did that mean?

That, my friend, is the seldom heard but much feared Grandma burn.

Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Bengay.

Well, you and Jackie are certainly a mess.

I remember before Nina, when my love life was a mess.

It's perfect now, though. Not like yours, which is a mess.

Steven, I've called three times in the last half-hour.

Yeah, I figured it was you 'cause all the calls came during the commercials in The Newlywed Game.

So, what? Now you're not taking my calls?

Why are you making such a big deal about this?

Because it is a big deal when you yell, "Get off my boyfriend," to a girl who's on someone who's not me.

Steven, I cannot be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth.

It didn't mean anything.

So, that's your story? "It didn't mean anything?"

Right. Right. So, you just need to get over it.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry, I'm over it.

In fact, I'm over you.

Wait, Steven, what are you saying?

He's saying he's breaking up with you. Are you not paying attention?

Because I'm on the edge of my freaking seat here.

Steven?

So, I have a girlfriend and you don't.

So, my grandma doesn't think Donna's good enough for me.

How great is that?

Finally, someone thinks Donna's the lucky one.

No more, "Hey, how'd he get her?"

Or, "Oh, that skinny guy must really be rich."

Yeah, that's right. I heard the whispers. I just pretended not to.

Who was whispering? We said it right to you.

Well, I'm done with Jackie, and I feel like a guy who had a 95-pound mole removed.

A 95-pound, Donny Osmond-loving, shoe-shopping, Ice Capade-attending mole.

Hyde, I know that's just coming from a place of deep, deep pain.

And I really do feel bad that my foxitude broke you and Jackie up.

And I'd tone it down, but I just don't know how!

Guys, I'm worried there's some unfinished business between Michael and Jackie.

When they were together, did she make him happy?

Well, she totally dominated him and made him feel bad about himself.

I guess what I'm asking is, was she ever fat or anything?

Eric, how can your grandmother not like me?

Ooh! Maybe I should wear my Catholic school uniform around her more.

You know, people like me in that.

Well, guys mostly.

But, hey, give it a shot. Grandmas have secrets, too.

Donna, Steven broke up with me.

Oh. Jackie, I'm sorry.

Hey, maybe he just wanted you to be able to spend more time with your other boyfriend.

Shut up, Eric!

Oh!

It's you.

Didn't know they let slutballs in here.

Well, I've seen you in here, so I figured it was okay.

Oh, you don't know it, but you just burned yourself.

Oh, I know it. The question is, do you?

I just said I do.

So do I, so you are, too.

Donna, you following this?

I think one of them's a slutball and one of them knows it.

I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.

Fine. I'll try to use small words so you can understand me.

That's not gonna be good enough.

Hey, Grandma.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Sigurdson.

Nice day, huh?

No. It's raining, and my arthritis is kicking up.

What a coincidence. Mine, too.

Boy, am I getting old.

Not too old, you know. Whatever you are.

Wow. Hey, Grandma, Donna brought you some salsa.

Yep, Donna makes the best darn salsa outside of your beloved Arizona.

It's a reflection of her long-time love affair with the Southwest.

Much like your own. Go, Grand Canyon!

So, Eric, who are you seeing these days?

Okay.

Okay, Grandma, you have got to give Donna a chance.

And I know you two will get along famously.

You have so much in common.

Right. Like I love eating dinner at 4:30, too.

Look, Mrs. Sigurdson, I love Eric with all my heart.

And I know that when you give me a chance, you'll see that we're great together.

Well, that's very sweet. And you're right.

I'm sure you're the nicest girl Eric's met so far.

She is just so good at that.

See?

Isn't it better to be up and about than stuck in your bed for a week?

Well, this is better.

Why did I even let that woman get to me?

I'm gonna go get out of this robe.

And take a shower. I mean, that's the spirit!

Your mother is a nutbag!

What did she do?

That thing where she pretends to be nice, but she's really insulting you?

Yes! Frigid witch!

I'll get the bed ready.

How could she not like me?

How can she not like me?

You know what? Maybe she just can't handle strong, healthy women.

And I am strong and healthy.

I bring home the bacon, I fry it up in a pan and...

I never, ever let Red forget he's a man.

Yeah.

Well, I am not giving up on her.

Oh, why are you worried?

I'm the one who has to live the rest of my life in the same family with this woman.

Yeah, but so do I.

In the sense that we're all part of the human family.

Steven, I have to tell you something.

Well, if it's, "Get off my boyfriend," don't worry, 'cause I already heard it.

No. Look, I have to tell you, you were right.

When I said that, it did mean something.

And I thought it didn't, because sometimes I just want things because other people have them.

Like once, I made my dad buy me a pet rat because my cousin had one.

But then the rat got so disgusting, I made my kitty cat hunt it.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Who's the rat? Am I the rat?

No.

No. Steven.

Look. Okay, I spoke to Annette.

And she made me realize that, okay, you know, maybe I do have some left-over feelings for Michael.

And then she said that if I wanted him, I'd have to fight for him.

But, Steven, I know in my heart the only person I wanna fight for is you.

Really? Oh, boy!

You like Kelso, but you like me a little bit more?

What a bunch of crap! You know what I think, Jackie?

I think the only reason you were with me in the first place was to get back at Kelso.

Steven, how can you say that?

Okay, fine, you know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael.

But what am I supposed to do? He was my first boyfriend.

And you know what? You're gonna have to learn to deal with it.

And if you can't, and you're gonna have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you, but I think it's a real waste, because I love you!

I'm not saying it back!

I don't care.

Damn it!

So, are we gonna go to the dance or what?

Oh, Steven.

Well, it looks like I'm just in time for makeup sex.

Don't mind me. You'll barely hear me.

If you prefer, I can hide in the shower.

Fez, get out of here.

Okay, here I go.

So, earlier today I mentioned that I would like your balloons to be my walkway of love.

And you said, "Okay."

Do you know what I meant?

Because I don't want to surprise you with this one.

Well, I think you meant...

That's it!

Hey, look who's back together.

What the hell?

Come on, Jackie, let's dance.

How can she be with him when she's so clearly not over me?

I think the question is, how can you be with me when you're so clearly not over her?

Wait, is this a riddle? Start over.

You're obviously still in love with Jackie.

I'm going back to California.

Baby, no! I'll prove that I'm over her.

I'll bet you 50 bucks that if we do it, I'll be into it.

Good-bye, Michael.

Wait, but you win either way!

Oh, I feel so much better.

I am a strong, healthy woman who doesn't need to go to bed every time some mean old lady gives her a cross look.

That's right.

Good evening, Mother.

Going out to dinner.

Oh.

Is that what you're wearing?

I'll be in bed.